Spike
Topic Author
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ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:00 pm

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"



Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





_____



Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."



TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"



Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"





_____



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"





_____



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."





_____



A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."





_____



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."





_____



There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."





_____



A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:



Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"



Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."



Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"



Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"





_____



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"



Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the runway."



Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"



BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."





_____



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.



Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"



The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:



"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."





_____



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.



Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."



Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.



Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"



Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."



Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"



Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."







_____



While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.



An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"



Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"



"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.



Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.



Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"



>
 
crogalski
Posts: 477
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:13 pm

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

hahaha thats a great one

edit - im sorry, all of them are great!! thanks for the post!

[Edited 2005-10-05 06:15:41]
A319 A320 A321 A330 B717 B727 B737 B747 B757 B767 CRJ200 CRJ700 CRJ900 DC9 E145 E190 MD88 Q400 | AA AB B6 CO DL EI FL NK
 
Spike
Topic Author
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:40 pm

I found the BA at FRA most amusing and probably quite true..
 
Spark
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:48 pm

I've always liked both FRA stories.
 
SkyexRamper
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:49 pm

These "transcripts", wether they are totally made up or actually happened are quiet old and passed around.
Good Luck to all Skyway Pilots! It's been great working with you!
 
Spike
Topic Author
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:20 pm

Oh, the old "I saw it first" etc.. happy chappy aren't you.
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:03 pm

Good Ones.  bigthumbsup 
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
SA006
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:33 pm

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.

A United 727 at Gatwick?  scratchchin 

-SA006
Proudly South African
 
Spike
Topic Author
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:42 pm

SA006: Exactly what I thought. But it does sound like a UK woman though, or do we all sound like this?
 
flymia
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:45 pm

Yea these are funny. Some are real some are fake but these get posted just about every week. The same ones over and over.
Funny but again some thing over and over. Maybe someone can find some news ones or even make some up that would be fun.
"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
 
lijnden
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:21 am

In the early 90's United did have some 727's flying in Europe. I flew one from AMS to LHR to continue my flight to LAX
Be kind to animals! Next trip: ORF-ORD-NRT-IAH-ORF
 
Allessandro
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 5:17 am

Heard this one during IF R/T communications lessons...

[a charming female pilot with a real french accent] "Schiphol ground, Air France something, request pushback"
[English captian] "Come on chaps, give the lady her pussy back"
 
TinkerBelle
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 5:29 am

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

lol... That is just hilarious.

 rotfl   rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 
If you are going through hell, keep going.
 
RichardPrice
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 6:39 am

Not strictly ATC, but heres a few I came across a while back:

"Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing" - plaque at the entrance to the old SR-71 facility at Kadena, Japan.

"Whats the similarity between an air traffic controller and a pilot? If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the controller screws up, the pilot dies."

"When one engine fails on a twin engine aircraft, you always have enough power to get you to the scene of the crash"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers"

"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, then its probably a helicopter - and therefor unsafe"

"You have never been lost until you have been lost at Mach 3" - Paul F Crickmore (SR-71 Test Pilot).

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime" - Sign over squadron Ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.

"Progress in airline flying: now the flight attendant can get the pilot pregnant"
 
AJRfromSYR
Posts: 439
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:09 am

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

I thought speedbird was reserved for concorde flights.
-AJR-
 
RichardPrice
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:23 am

Quoting AJRfromSYR (Reply 14):
I thought speedbird was reserved for concorde flights.

It was origionally, then they started using it across the fleet.
 
AJRfromSYR
Posts: 439
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:24 am

When did that transition happen?
-AJR-
 
Mir
Posts: 19092
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 3:55 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:38 am

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A somewhat related story: An F-16 was flying formation with a B-52, and both were pretty bored. The fighter pilot decided to show off a bit, so he said "watch this" and went into a loop around the bomber. Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot said "oh yeah, well watch this," and continued to fly straight and level for five minutes. The fighter pilot, confused asked "what the hell did you do?". The bomber pilot responded "I shut an engine down."

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.



An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"



Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"



"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.



Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.



Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

I think this happened at LaGuardia - has US flights to FLL and UA 727s (well, it had those - not anymore). Plus, the NYC controllers can be legendary for yelling at planes when they make mistakes. Just recently a Korean Air flight at JFK got a long lecture over the ground frequency on what holding short meant.

-Mir
7 billion, one nation, imagination...it's a beautiful day
 
DCrawley
Posts: 328
Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 3:18 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 9:26 am

Quoting Mir (Reply 17):
A somewhat related story: An F-16 was flying formation with a B-52, and both were pretty bored. The fighter pilot decided to show off a bit, so he said "watch this" and went into a loop around the bomber. Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot said "oh yeah, well watch this," and continued to fly straight and level for five minutes. The fighter pilot, confused asked "what the hell did you do?". The bomber pilot responded "I shut an engine down."

Here's another version of this story..

A KC-135 and an F-16 were flying formation across the pond and the fighter got bored and said "watch this" and did a loop around the tanker. When he levelled out, the tanker pilot said "hey, you think that was cool? watch this". The KC-135 flew straight and level with no altitude gain or speed change for 5 minutes. Finally, the tanker pilot comes back on and says "what you think?". The fighter pilot said "you didn't do anything! anyone can fly a plane straight and level like you did!". The tanker pilot responded "no, I went and used the bathroom, got some coffee and a sandwich, and stretched my legs, and now I'm back."

lol..

-d
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
 
Electech6299
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Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2005 11:13 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 10:02 am

Don't know if these are old or not, but since we're on the subject...

========
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:"Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
========

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing: "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is."
========

LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"

Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
========

Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."

Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I
don't see the bear yet."
========

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."

Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

========

Air Traffic Control: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.

Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...

Air Traffic Control: Look again there's probably a plane behind that light.
========

Tower: "Height and position?"

Pilot: "I am 5'9" and I'm sitting.
========

========

From our "Don't get wise with us" file:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

===========================

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 rotfl   bigthumbsup 
Send not to know for whom the bell tolls...it tolls for thee
 
DeC
Posts: 535
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 10:11 am

hahaha excellent ones, all of them! Great topic  Smile
DEC
 
Indy
Posts: 3898
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 10:32 am

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Definately my favorite. But does this kind of off topic chatter really happen?
Indy = Indianapolis and not Independence Air
 
DCrawley
Posts: 328
Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 3:18 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 10:40 am

Quoting Indy (Reply 21):
But does this kind of off topic chatter really happen?

Oh yea.. you hear things on the radio that you might not even hear in public. I've heard a man yell at tower because he had just broke his sunglasses and they wouldn't give him the runway for a straight-in approach.. this man was told to contact the tower administrator right after he landed. After you're in the air for a while, you'll hear people talk without thinking first.

-d
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
 
bomber996
Posts: 412
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 10:41 am

On a note that's a bit more realistic, last night I was on a United flight from Denver to Boston. While watching the movie on the flight I got bored and switched to channel 9, and just at that moment the controller was talking to the pilot of my aircraft about football. This must have been from sheer boredom on both the hand of the controller and the pilot of the A320. It was afterall around 11:30. Cincinnati won. I thought it was quite humorous.

Peace  box 
Two biggest lies in aviation... "I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you." & "Traffic in sight."
 
atct
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:02 pm

Yea we talk to pilots in the wee hours of the night pretty frequently. Had a nice conversation about coyote's the other night. Always good times.

I do have a good one for ya (If you are reading this, dont worry, I'll keep your identity safe :P )


Tower: "Archer 921PA, You're following an Archer, left downwind turning right base."




ATCT
Trikes are for kids!
 
LongbowPilot
Posts: 526
Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 4:16 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:22 pm

Here is one from the Army.

A fellow IP in my unit told me this one.

Pilot, "Tower this is Army 12345, 5 miles out, VMC, Full Stop"

Air Force ATC (sexy female), " Army12345, roger clear to land and state your intentions after landing."

Pilot, " Roger, thinking about meeting a woman, getting married, having kids, maybe do a loop from a hover and crash in front of the tower..."

::cricket cricket::

Pilot, "Refuel and depart for (home base)."


All the pilots in the break room were on the floor crying from laughing so hard. It is just this IPs nature.
 
474218
Posts: 4510
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 12:27 pm

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Sun Oct 16, 2005 11:01 am

I think the most famous ATC story is the one about the new controller in the Palmdale ATC.

The new controller turns to his instructor and says "your not going to believe this but I have a guy that wants clearance to FL70." The instructor says "thats a SR-71 give him permission."

The new controller says "Air Force SR-71 you are cleared to FL70 if you think you can make it." The Sr-71 pilot says "roger descending to FL70."
 
stirling
Posts: 3897
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RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Sun Oct 16, 2005 12:22 pm

LGW could very easily be mistaken, or mis-typed for LGA...the "A" and "W" are very close.

Doesn't matter if these are old, tired, made up, or real, they still crack me up every time!
 crackup 
Delete this User
 
jamesag96
Posts: 2007
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2001 2:59 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Sun Oct 16, 2005 12:42 pm

A buddy of mine is a corporate pilot...and thinks it is funny to fart on the microphone to the delight of all that listen.
Why Kate, You're not wearing a bustle. How lewd.
 
wukka
Posts: 884
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 1:08 pm

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Sun Oct 16, 2005 3:47 pm

Quoting Bomber996 (Reply 23):
On a note that's a bit more realistic, last night I was on a United flight from Denver to Boston. While watching the movie on the flight I got bored and switched to channel 9, and just at that moment the controller was talking to the pilot of my aircraft about football. This must have been from sheer boredom on both the hand of the controller and the pilot of the A320. It was afterall around 11:30. Cincinnati won. I thought it was quite humorous.

On a note that's even a bit more realistic... Cincinnati lost that game.

I guess that your flight from Denver to Boston also distorted reality.

Watch out for the Langoliers.
We can agree to disagree.
 
reins485
Posts: 125
Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 2:50 pm

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:48 pm

I have one story that my dad has told me in the past. He was flying a 727 and I think it was TWA 727 he was neck and neck getting lined up to land.
Controler: AA727 and TWA 727, I have you neck and neck and I dont know who to put first.
AA727: Thats ok let American go first.
After that my dad said the other pilot was hollering about how that wasnt him who responded. In the end my dad actually had to go around so the TWA plane beat him to the gate.
 
SuperD
Posts: 88
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 7:58 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:13 pm

I'm a bit late, but I'll chime in.

I personally hear all the best ones on EWR ground. The guys that work it are fantastic, considering that there's only one ground frequency and EWR isn't exactly a low traffic airport. They still manage to have a sense of humor.

For instance, last week we were told to hold short of a taxiway intersection to let a large cargo plane cut in front of us. The guy was literally creeping along at a walking pace. As he finally got close the intersection, he called ground and asked what number he was for takeoff. Ground's sarcastic reply?
"Well, by the time you get down there you'll be number one."

About two weeks ago a CO 757 got applause on the radio. He was sitting in the ballpark and had been cleared to taxi. It took him a few moments to get rolling, and the conversation went something like:

EWR GND: "Hey, CO 123, are you moving?"
CO: "Yep. We're just a little heavy this morning."
EWR GND: "Ok, we just have a few people waiting on you."
CO: "Sorry about that. It can be hard to get it up when you're loaded."
(slight pause)
every aircraft on the ground frequency: "Amen."
 
mandargb
Posts: 188
Joined: Thu Mar 29, 2001 8:00 am

RE: ATC / Aircraft Dialogue

Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:50 pm

I have heard this @JFK.
===
Tower: United 123 Heavy, were you a military pilot in previous career.
United 123: Why are you asking this.
===
The tower person was lady and she did explain why she said that, and now I dont recollect the answer she gave.. I think this was sometime in 2002/2003.

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