Note: This is a Christmas fantasy, not to be taken seriously. It is a light hearted view of the coming of Southwest to DEN
Merry Christmas all.
HERB SKYWALKER'S CHRISTMAS DREAM:
Herb Skywalker was worried. Gary Solo had come up with a plan - they needed to establish a base within the Empire, at the Kingdom of Dia.
Herb admired Gary, but he thought Dia was dangerous. The Empire of the Legacy Apes was well established there. Herb had led the Rebels from the South West to do battle with them once before, but had lost and had withdrawn. The Rebels were bigger and more successful now, but Herb was still wary - the Legacy Apes were bigger, too. They had moved from their old stronghold to a new fortress.
The Legacy Apes were determined on conquest and had come close to succeeding, and Herb had led a lifelong battle against them, being both brave and crafty.
He did not know what to do now. He took several potions of Wild Turkey and tried to clear his mind. He fell into a restless sleep.
He woke to a golden light flooding the room, as Obi Wan Colleen floated in. She was the love child of Yoda and was Herb's most trusted teacher.
"Needs you, Dia does" Colleen said. "A great job the Earth Critters have done, but the Legacy Apes a massive counter offensive are preparing."
"But what if we fail?" Herb asked.
"Fail, we will not," Colleen insisted. "Wn we must." She held out her hand. Herb knew what was going to happen and grabbed her hand thankfully. He loved these night journeys with Obi Wan Colleen. It was as good as sex. Heck, at his age, it was better than sex.
They flew across the great plans and to the mountains until they came to the Kingdom of Dia.
Flying over over the massive stronghold, Herb was surprised to see scores of Earth Critter planes with animals painted on them all lined up, waiting to get gates, access to the city, but all the gates at the western end of the A tower were full.
Herb and Colleen flew inside. It was chaos. The Earth Critters were desperately trying to organise too much in too small a space. It was noisy and crowded and jolly, like Mexico City at rush hour.
"Why don't they get more gates?" Herb wondered.
"Gates, they can not," Colleen replied. "The Queen of Dia is in the thrall of the Legacy Apes.
They flew to the eastern end of the A Tower. Things were more ordered there, quieter, and Herb was not surprised. The eastern end was patrolled by a massive, over-muscled gorilla. He had a name tag around his neck - Ted, the Frontier Killer - and seemed to be in a permanent bad mood.
Herb had heard of Ted, a failed experiment. The Legacy Apes tried breeding with another species to order to conquer Planet Earth. It hadn't been successful. There had been several offspring but all had died. Ted was the last of his kind.
"Mock him not," Colleen warned. She could see that Herb was ready to test the enemy's strength. But Herb was brave, and would not be stopped.
"Frontier," Herb whispered to Ted. The great beast went into a fearful rage when he heard the word, pounding on his chest and sending out heart-rending cries to heaven. Then an enormous melancholy swept over him and he fell to the ground, weeping.
"Come" Colleen said, taking Herb's hand. They flew down over some escalators and into a great long hall, with a train running the length of it. Herb was impressed and wondered where they were going.
"Safe haven find we must," Colleen said. "One, there is."
"There?" Herb wondered, point to a sign that said Tower B.
"No", Colleen cried, dragging him away. "The heartland of the Legacy Apes, that is."
They flew fast now and up over some more escalators into the C Tower. Here was calm and peaceful, as if the Great War did not exist. But Herb could see some Legacy Apes, even here.
"Different factions, there are," Colleen explained. "Not all believe in conquest. Harmony with Earth, some want."
Herb looked around and was pleased. They could establish a base here, almost unseen, and build a strong, fortified camp. But could they become strong enough to do battle with the Legacy Apes?
"No need," Colleen said. "Use Prime Directive."
The Prime Directive of the Rebels was simple - Divide and Conquer, based on the theory that a house divided against itself, cannot stand.
"But how - ?
Colleen sighed and grabbed his hand. In trice they were in the belly of the beast - the B Tower. Legacy Apes in grey suits were everywhere, patrolling the fort, not allowing a word of dissent.
Protesters were whisked away, and Herb did not want to know where. How could they win against such a powerful, well-organised enemy?
Suddenly, a woman wearing a strange, tinfoil crown, rushed in.
"The Queen of Dia, it is" Colleen whispered.
Herb was in awe. The Queen of Dia ran to the leaders of the Legacy Apes and fell to her knees.
"You are the saviours of the world," she cried. "Legacy Apes are our past and our future. I shall do everything in my power to help you achieve the domination of Earth."
Lord Tilton, the leader of the Legacy Apes looked at her scornfully. "We are still weak from the last wars," he said. "How can we conquer the Earth Critters?"
"We cannot - yet" the Queen of Dia said. "But we can contain them, box them in., until you are ready to destroy them."
"That takes money," Darth Brace said craftily.
The Queen of Dia reached into her purse and pulled out a check, which she held up, triumphantly.
"184 million dollars will keep us for a while," she said. "There will be more, but I need to get the keys from the Bond Holders."
The Legacy Apes were impressed. Money was a great aphrodisiac to them. They gathered around the Queen of Dia, grunting their approval and pounding on their chests, testosterone raging.
The Queen of Dia was surrounded by and surrendering to the Legacy Apes. They were touching her hair, her face, her breasts...
Herb closed his eyes. He knew what would happen, and it wasn't an image he wanted in his head when he woke.
"I've seen enough," he said to Obi Wan Colleen. She nodded, and suddenly, they were back in the C Tower.
"This will do well," Herb said to her. "We shall be away from the fray."
"The Legacy Apes are obsessed with the Earth Critters - it is an unfinished war. They will spend their resources battling for control of the A Tower. They will not notice us."
"Win, we must," Colleen agreed. "We are Wn."
Herb could not think that the Earth Critters could survive a continued onslaught by the Legacy Apes. But the Legacy Apes could not see beyond them, to other rebel groups, and Herb knew the Virgins of Sfo were preparing for an assault on the west coast.
He was sad that the Earth Critters might be defeated, but perhaps they had to be sacrificed for the greater good. He and Gary Solo and the Rebels would bide their time at C.
And when the A Battle was done, the Souh West Rebels would emerge, tough and strong, to stop the Legacy Apes from taking control of the Kingdom of Dia.