Hals
Topic Author
Posts: 43
Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 2:54 am

Qantas Maintenance...

Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:49 am

Got this as a joke in an email from a mate of mine. See what you think...knowing the Aussie sense of humour I can well believe it... Big grin


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget


Anyone got any similar stuff, especially all you maintenance guysgals...  Cool
 
EMBQA
Posts: 7795
Joined: Sat Oct 25, 2003 3:52 am

RE: Qantas Maintenance...

Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:59 am

Quoting Hals (Thread starter):
Got this as a joke in an email from a mate of mine. See what you think...knowing the Aussie sense of humour I can well believe it...

Those jokes are far from new, and far from being from Qantas....especially since no Qantas or any commercial aircraft have IFF or Target radar installed. I've seen those listed as coming from any number of airlines and military services

[Edited 2006-02-13 23:02:47]
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog"
 
FlyboyOz
Posts: 1743
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2000 10:05 am

RE: Qantas Maintenance...

Tue Feb 14, 2006 11:50 am

yeah...we know that already looooooooooooooong time ago...I read this in 1998 or 1997
The Spirit of AustraliAN - Longreach
 
777STL
Posts: 2770
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2004 8:22 am

RE: Qantas Maintenance...

Tue Feb 14, 2006 3:32 pm

This is about as old as the internet....

And yeah, I've seen this listed for any number of airlines/countries.
PHX based
 
777ER
Crew
Posts: 9853
Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2003 5:04 pm

RE: Qantas Maintenance...

Tue Feb 14, 2006 4:12 pm

Boy I've totally lost count on how many times I've read those 'QF' jokes on a.net and on other internet sites (non aviation sites) now or via e-mail, but some of them still make me laugh
 
NumberTwelve
Posts: 1393
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2004 8:57 pm

RE: Qantas Maintenance...

Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:35 pm

Quoting FlyboyOz (Reply 2):
yeah...we know that already looooooooooooooong time ago...I read this in 1998 or 1997

Ok, I have seen that joke as PPS in 2003 , but there is a very good saying:
"There is no 'old' or 'new' joke, there are jokes you know or you don't know."

For people who hear them the first time, it's fun.
signature censored by admin - so check my profile
 
AirlineAV8tr
Posts: 187
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 4:20 pm

RE: Qantas Maintenance...

Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:44 am

Quoting Hals (Thread starter):
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget

Yes, very old, but they never become un-funny! Glad you posted them as I was just looking for them!
If we went into the funeral business, people would stop dying.-Martin S. (PanAm CEO)
 
dalb777
Posts: 1698
Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 9:35 am

RE: Qantas Maintenance...

Wed Feb 15, 2006 5:27 am

I've never read these jokes before. I got a good laugh out of them. Thanks for posting.
Geaux Tigers! Geaux Hornets! Geaux Saints! WHO DAT!!!