I just have to say, this is one of the funniest damned threads I've seen here... I love it!
Oozabooza: you also have a hilarious user name!
In addition to the depressurization technique you suggest, I would also recommend eating whatever they serve you on board. Especially if it's something in cream or butter sauce, because lord know it's not real cream or butter, and in fact cream or butter-flavored partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, and should definitely do the trick.
Also, the interiors of most NW aircraft are enough to make anyone lose some form of bodily fluid upon looking at them...
An unexamined life isn't worth living.