Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 4:55 am

It has been a long while since the movie Airplane and it's less successful sequel but I would love to see another comedy set on an airplane.Does anyone out there know of funny movies involving airliners? Will there be another one anytime soon? Would you see it?

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 6:53 am

Have you ever seen a grown man naked? And don't call me Shirley.
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 6:57 am


Posts: 8210
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 7:25 am

Do you like watching gladiator movies?
fly Saha Air 707s daily from Tehran's downtown Mehrabad to Mashhad, Kish Island and Ahwaz

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 8:21 am

We came in low over Nacho Grande...
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 8:28 am

What was that vector Victor.......roger Roger.
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 8:36 am

Roger Over.

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 9:03 am


No thank you...I take it black, like my men.

or better yet...I like my coffee like my women...bitter.  
Posts: 346
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2000 7:58 pm

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 9:25 am

Got our clearance Clarence?

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 9:26 am

so you were over Under and I was under Done.
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 9:55 am

Surely you cant be serious? I am serious, and don't call me Shirly.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Choke Gasp ha ha

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Joined: Mon Jun 26, 2000 5:56 am

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 10:03 am

A Hospital? What is it?

-It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now....

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 10:11 am

Spoken by a little old lady....

"Juz hang loose blood. She gonna catch you on da rebound wid da medicaid"
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 10:18 am

nothing like the autopilot
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 10:41 am

Never eat the fish...
Stop drop and roll will not save you in hell. --- seen on a church marque in rural Virginia
Posts: 1677
Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2000 9:56 am

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 11:02 am

"What was for dinner??"

"Steak or fish" (or "fish or steak")

"That's right, I had the lasagna".


jonathan d.
"my soul is in the sky" - shakespeare
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Joined: Mon Jun 26, 2000 5:56 am

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 11:09 am

Would you like some whiskey ma'am?

Old woman:
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 11:43 am

Turn on the runway lights

But then they'll see us!
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 4:05 pm

Haha oozabooza...... nice
BTW avoid Turkish Jails...  
Watch the Midnight Express and you will understand.

And something funny:

I don't remember the name of the movie (it was with Wesley Snipes, who was an airline safety specialist or something, I thing it was called Passenger 30 or something like that)

An FBI agent aboard a plane looking at the gorgeous female f/a and saying to his colleague:

hmm. she can be my next ex-wife   

With all the respect to the f/a's
Best Regards

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 5:26 pm

Posts: 418
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 5:36 pm

Boy`s life, Nunn`s life  

I love this
Posts: 418
Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2000 7:42 pm

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 5:40 pm

Boy`s life, Nunn`s life  

I love this
Posts: 418
Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2000 7:42 pm

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 5:49 pm

Boy`s life Nunn`s life.  
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Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2000 7:42 pm

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 6:12 pm

Sorry for 3 posts. I had some problem with my PC.
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RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 6:23 pm

"Tell me what happened from the beginning."
"Well, first the earth cooled, and then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they died and turned into oil..."

**propeller sound as Boeing 707 model bobs up and down in the sky**

**Elaine reinflates the autopilot in midair**
Posts: 340
Joined: Thu May 20, 1999 9:52 pm

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 6:25 pm

Good luck, we are all counting on you.
OK boys let's take some pictures.

I just love the humor in the movie "Airplane".

Any of you seen "Top Secret". Same instructor.

Posts: 383
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 1999 12:04 pm

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 8:34 pm

"Boy, I sure picked the wrong time to stop sniffing glue."

R.I.P. Lloyd Bridges
Posts: 1962
Joined: Tue May 18, 1999 8:32 am

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Fri Jul 28, 2000 9:10 pm

This is one of my favorite movies. Every line is funny. So here it is:

Script supported by Movie Scripts Online

OPEN: Theme from Jaws, plane busts out of clouds like Jaws...

Voiceman: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading

of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red


Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading

of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red


Voiceman: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading

of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red


Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading

of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red


Zealot#1: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the

religious consciousness church, would you care

to make a donation?

Elaine : No, thank you anyway.

Voiceman: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading

of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white


Voiclady: NO! The white zone is for immediate loading and

unloading and there is no stopping in the red zone.

Voiceman: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading

there is never stopping in a white zone.

Voiclady: Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone

is for loading.

Voiceman: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit


Zealot#2: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the

religious consciousness church, would you like

to make a donation?

????????: No thanks, we gave at the office.


Security: Would you put all of your metal objects into this dish

please ( Man first removes all of his jewelry, etc.

then his prosthetic arm and leg)

Voiceman: There's just no stopping in a white zone.

Voiclady: Oh really, Vernon, why pretend, we both know perfectly

well what it is you're talking about. You want me to

have an abortion.

Voiceman: Its really the only sensible thing to do. If its done

properly, therapeutically, there's no danger involved.

Someguy : Taxi!

Striker : I'll be back in a minute. ( sets cab's meter running)

Zealot#3: Hello sir, we'd like you to have this flower on behalf

of the church of Religious consciousness, would you


Worker#1: Hey, Larry, where's the forklift? ( To worker#2 who is

busy guiding a plane into a hanger )

Worker#2: Forklift? Its over there by the baggage loader.

( Gestures the direction of baggage loader with

guide sticks causing the plane to go that direction

and to come crashing into the terminal)

People : ( In terminal ) LOOK OUT!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!


Striker : Elaine!!!!!

Elaine : Ted!

Striker : I came home early and found your note. I guess you

meant for me to read it later. Elaine, I've got to

to talk to you.

Elaine : I just don't want to go over it anymore.

Striker : I know things haven't been right for a long time,

but... It'll be different. Like it was in the

beginning. If you'll just be patient I can work

things out.

Elaine : I have been patient and I tried to help, but you

wouldn't even let me do that.

Striker : Don't you feel anything for me at all anymore?

Elaine : It takes so many things to make love last. But,

most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live

with the man I don't respect.

Striker : ( To camera ) What a PISSER!

PA : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Cla


Oever, white courtesy phone.



Oever : Oh! ( picks up white phone ) This is Captain Oever!

Operator: One moment for your call from the Mayo Clinic.

PA : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence

Oever, white courtesy phone.

Oever : I'VE GOT IT!

PA : Thank you.

Operator: Go ahead with your call.

MayoDoct: Uh, this is Doctor Brody at the Mayo Clinic. There's a

passenger on your Chicago flight 209er, a little girl

named Lisa Davis, en route to Minneapolis. She's

scheduled for a heart transplant, we'd like you to tell

her mother we found a donor an hour ago. We have the

heart here, ready for surgery. . . We must have the

recipient on the operating table within 6 hours. I

want you to make sure she's kept in a reclined position

and that a continuous watch is kept on her IV. Also,

its very important that she remain calm. . .

Operator: EXCUSE ME, This is the operator Captain Oever, I have

an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm.

Oever : Alright, Give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.

Striker : Look, you'll be back in town tomorrow night, we'll...

have dinner. We'll talk things over.

Elaine : I won't be back, I've requested the Atlanta run.

Striker : Elaine, I promise, I can change.

Elaine : Then why didn't you take the job that Louis Neds

offered you at Boeing?

Striker : You know I haven't been able to get near a plane since

since the war. Even if I could, they wouldn't hire

me because of my war record.

Elaine : You're war record ??? You're the only one keeping that

alive, for everyone else, its ancient history.

Striker : You expect me to believe that?

Elaine : Its the truth. What's hurt you the most is your record

since the war. Different cities, different jobs and

not one of them shows you can accept any real


Striker : Elaine, if you just give me one more . . .

Elaine : Its too late, Ted. When I get back to Chicago, I'm

going to start my life all over again. I'm sorry.

Zealot#4: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower from the

Church of Religious Conscious. . .PUNCH . . .


Attendnt: Hi! Well, good evening. Oh, there you go.

You just follow all the way back. Hello.

Victor : Any word on that storm lifting over Salt Lake


Oever : No not likely, Victor. I just reviewed the area report

for 1600 hours through 2400.

Victor : Uh, huh ...

Oever : There's a front stalled over the Dakotas, backed all

the way to Utah.

Victor : Yeah, well, if she decides to push over to the great

lakes, it could get plenty slippery.

Oever : Uh, huh.

Victor : What about the southern route, around Tulsa?

Oever : I double checked the terminal forecast and winds aloft

and I had cloudy ceilings all the way.

Victor : Where do they top out?

Oever : Well . . . there's some light scattered cover to 20,000

icing around 15. . .

Worker3 : Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

(falling off ladder from washing plane's windows)

Victor : Boy looks like the original plan ought to be the

best bet.

Oever : Denver it is.

Murdock : Sorry Clarence. Latest weather report shows everything

is sopped in from Salt Lake to Lincoln.

Oever : Oh, Hi Roger! Glad to have you aboard! Victor, this is

Roger Murdock, Victor Basta.

Victor : How do you do Roger?

Murdock : Nice to meet you!

Oever : Roger, I was telling Victor that I reviewed the area

report for 1600 hours through 2400 there'sa front

stalled over the Dakotas. . .

Ticketer: There you go, thank you.

Striker : Can you tell me if Elaine Dickenson is on this


Ticketer: Well, the whole flight crew has boarded. Let me see.

Oh yes, she is on board.

Striker : I'd like one ticket to Chicago. No baggage.

( Guy still waits in Taxi for Striker)

Ticketer: Smoking or non-smoking.

Striker : Smoking, please.

Ticketer: ( Hands Ted a ticket which is literally smoking) There.

Have a nice trip.


VOICE: Striker, this is red leader 4. Primary target

covered by fog. Decision to proceed is yours.

decision to proceed IS YOURS. IS YOUUUURRRRS...


Jiveman1: Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady

got to be runnin' col' upsihd down his head!



Jiveman2: Hey Holm, I can dig it! You know he ain't gonna lay no

mo' big rap upon you man!


Jiveman1: I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get

the same ol' same ol.



Jiveman2: Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got

perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'.



Jiveman1: You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac

lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em.



Together: Col' got to be! Yo!

Subtitle: HOW TRUE!

Together: Sheeeeeeet!

Subtitle: GOLLY.





¹ ¹




Oldlady : Nervous?

Striker : Yes.

Oldlady : First time?

Striker : NO, I've been nervous lots of times.

Elaine : Hi, we'll be taking off real soon. SO I'd better

fasten you in tight.

Dyingirl: Thank you. Oh, mother this is so exciting.

Mother : I know, but you must get some rest.

Elaine : That's good advice. You relax and I'll be back right

after we take off.

Lovelorn: God Bill. I am going to miss you so much.

Leaving : Oh, I'm gonna miss you too. Promise you'll write??

Lovelorn: SIGH . . . Every day. Bill...

Conductr: Better get on board son. All aboard!!!!!

Oever : 209er to ground control. We're loaded and ready to


Lovelorn: Goodbye Bill!

Leaving : Goodbye darling. I love you darling.

Tower : 2-0-9er, taxi to runway 1-9er.

Leaving : Goodbye darling.

Lovelorn: Have your picture taken the minute you get there. And

send me one, alright?

Leaving : Okay, here, hurry. ( he throws her his watch as she

runs along the side of the taxiing plane. )

Lovelorn: Oh, but your watch, but you shouldn't. You're gonna

need this!

Leaving : Its alright. It doesn't work.

Lovelorn: Bill!

Leaving : Goodbye darling.

Lovelorn: Bill! ( Knocks over light tower while running ) Bill!

Bill! I'll keep it with me all the time, I swear to


Leaving : I know darling, take care of yourself, goodbye.

Tower : Flight 2-0-9er, you're cleared for take off.

Oever : Roger!

Murdock : Huh?

Tower : L.A. departure frequency 1-2-3 point 9er.

Oever : Roger!

Murdock : Huh?

: Re-quest Vector, over!

Oever : What?

Tower : 2-0-9er clear for vector 2-3-4.

Murdock : We have clearance Clarence.

Oever : Roger, Roger. What's our Vector Victor?

Tower : Tower's radio clearance, over!

Oever : That's Clarence Oever! Oever.

Tower : Roger.

Murdock : Huh?

Tower : Roger, over.

Murdock : Huh?

Oever : Huh?

Attendnt: DO you feel alright sir?

Striker : Oh, I haven't flown for a long time.

Oever : Good evening ladies and gentleman, this is Captain

Oever speaking. Well, be cruising at 36,000 feet

this evening. Our arrival time in Chicago will be

10:45 pm central time. The temperature there is

currently 62 degrees with a 20% chance of precipitation.

Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight.

Elaine : Would you like something to read?

Oldlady: Do you have anything light?

Elaine : Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... how about this leaflet, famous Jewish

sports legends?

Oldlady: Yes, thank you.

Elaine : Teeeeeeeeeeeed!?! What are you doing here?

Striker: Elaine, I've got to talk to you!

Elaine : Y-Y-Yo-You shouldn't have come, I don't have time now!

Oldlady: Stewardess . . .

Elaine : Excuse me!

Oldlady: No wonder you're upset! She's lovely! And a darling

figure. Supple pouting breasts. . . firm thighs . . .

its a shame you two don't get along.

Striker: Yes, I know, things used to be different. I remember

when we first met. It was during the war. ( Flashback)

I was in the Air Force stationed in Drambui, off the

Barbary coast. I used to hang out at the Magumba bar.

It was a rough place, the seediest dive on the wharf.

Populated with every reject and cut-throat from Bombay

to Calcutta. Its worse than Detroit. The mood in the

place was downright ugly. You wouldn't walk in there

unless you knew how to use your fists. You could count

on a fight breaking out almost every night. ( fight

between two women breaks out. Chairs are crashed . . .)

( Saturday Night Fever music starts to play when juke

box is clobbered I didn't go there that night to fall

in love I just dropped in for a couple of drinks. But,

suddenly there she was. I was captivated, entranced.

It hit me like a thunderbolt. I had to ask the

guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn't

dreaming. I was afraid to approach her, but that

night fate was on my side. ( The man Elaine is dancing

with gets a knife in his back. He tries to ascertain

help from Elaine by pointing with both hands at his

back, but Elaine thinks that this is a new dance move

and mimics him. He collapses and dies. Striker begins

to dance disco style with Elaine, soon a crowd gathers

to watch. Both Ted and Elaine dance in humanly

impossible ways. The crowd cheers. Next the bar is

empty, and its the end of the night. Ted and Elaine

are still there with the 2 fighting women. ( end

flashback ) We laughed, we talked, we danced I never

wanted it to end. I guess I still don't. But, enough

about me, I hope this hasn't been boring for you. Its

just that whenever I talk about Elaine, I get so carried

away, I loose all track of time. ( Oldlady has hung

herself )

Elaine : Would you like to order dinner now?

Father : Yes, Joey will have the steak and my wife and I will

have the fish.

Joey : When can I see the cockpit dad?

Father : Joey, I think the pilots are probably too busy flying

the plane for that.

Joey : Awww, geee whiz!!!!!!!!!!

Elaine : I'll tell you what Joey, I'll talk to the Captain and

see what I can arrange.

Joey : Gee, that'd be swell!

Elaine : Would you gentleman care to order your dinners?

Jiveman1: Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th'



Jiveman2: Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some

draggin' fruit garden.


littlboy: Excuse me, I happened to be passing and I thought you

might like some coffee.

littgirl: Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you. Oh, won't you

sit down?

Littlboy: Oh thank you. Cream?

Littgirl: No thank you, I take it black . . . . . . like my men.

Striker : Well, you see . . . ( to a different passenger --

new flashback, reminiscent of the Blue Lagoon. )

Elaine : Oh TED! I never knew I could be so happy. These

few months have been just wonderful. Tomorrow,

why don't we drive up the coast to that little

seafood place and . . . what's the matter???

Striker : My orders came through. My squadron ships out

tomorrow, we're bombing the storage depots at

Daiquiri at 18:00 hours. We're coming in from the

North, below their radar.

Elaine : When will you be back?

Striker : I can't tell you that? It's classified.

Elaine : Ted, please be careful. I worry about you so much.

Striker : I love you Elaine.

Elaine : I love you!

( Return from flashback, the passenger stabs himself to death )

Denver : Flight 2-0-9er, this is Denver flight control. You are

approaching some rough weather. Please climb to 42,000


Oever : Roger, Denver.

Elaine : We have a visitor. . .

Oever : Hello.

Murdock : Hi!

Elaine : This is Captain Oever, Mr Murdock and Mr Basta. This

is Joey Hammond. . .

Oever : Well hi Joey.

Murdock : Come on up here, you can see better.

Oever : We have something here for our special visitors ( takes

out a model airplane for Joey ), would you like to have


Joey : Thank youuuuuuu! Thanks alot!

Oever : Sure. You ever been in a cockpit before?

Joey : No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.

Oever : You ever . . . seen a grown man naked ?

Murdock : Do you want me to check the weather Clarence?

Oever : No, why don't you take care of it. Joey, did ya

ever hang around a gymnasium?

Elaine : We'd better get back now Joey!

Oever : Noooooooo, Joey can stay here for a while if he'd


Joey : Could I?

Elaine : Okay, if you don't get in the way.

Murdock : Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise

at 42,000. Will report again over Lincoln. Over and


Joey : Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar.

You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Murdock : I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with some-

one else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

Joey : You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got

season tickets.

Murdock : I think you should go back to your seat now Joey.

Right Clarence?

Oever : Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him

stay here.

Murdock : But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an

airline pilot.

Joey : I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't

work hard enough on defence. And he says that lots of

times, you don't even run down court. And that you

don't really try . . . except during the playoffs.

Murdock : The hell I don't!! ( grabs joey by collar ) LISTEN KID!

I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA.

I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your

old man to drag Walton and Denier up and down the

court for 48 minutes.

Oever : Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Striker : Elaine, just hear me out. I know things haven't been

right for a long time, but it'll be different. like

it was in the beginning, remember?

Elaine : I remember everything. All I have are memories.

Mostly, I remember the nights when we were together.

I remember how you used to hold me and... how I used

to sit on your face and wiggle and...afterwards how

we'd watch 'til the sun came up. When it did, it was

almost like . . . like . . . each new day was made

only for us.

Striker : That's the way I've always wanted it to be Elaine.

Elaine : But it won't be . . . not as long as you insist on

living in the past.

( Striker flashes back -- )

Voice: You're too low Ted . . . YOU'RE TOO LOW!

( Now in military mental hospital. Random mental hospital

conversation has been skipped. Striker is painting a picture of

a guy in the middle of an explosion )

Doctor : Okay Robert, slip em down, this won't hurt much . .

Elaine : You got a telegram from headquarters today.

Striker: HEADQUARTERS?!? What is it?

Elaine : Well, its a big building where generals meet. But

that's not important right now. They've cleared

you of any blame for what happened in that raid.

Isn't that good news?

Striker: Is it? Because of my mistake 6 men didn't return

from that raid.

Elaine : 7, Lieutenant Zip died this morning. . . ( Striker

spits out drink ) The Doctor says you'll be out in

a week, isn't that wonderful?

Striker: Wish I could say the same for George Zip.

Elaine : Be patient Ted, nobody expects you to get over this


Subject: Hey Striker, How bout a break, I'm getting tired.

Striker: Yeah, alright. Take 5. ( We see that the subject

has been standing in a contorted stance with an

explosion backdrop exactly mimicking the painting

Striker has been working on )

Elaine: I have found a wonderful apartment for us. It has

a brick fireplace and a cute little bedroom with

mirrors on the ceiling and . . .

Jeleen: Red leader, Red Leader . . . I'm goin' down (

makes gunner noises )

Striker: Captain Jeleen. He thinks he's a pilot still

fighting the war.

Jeleen : I've found the tunnel Johnson!! Its this way $25

for a cigarette is too much!

Herwitz: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Elaine : What's his problem?

Striker: Its Lt. Herwitz. Severe shell shock. Thinks he's

Ethel Merman.

( We cut back to herwitz, but he is now replaced with the

real Ethel Merman )

Herwitz: You'lllllll be swell...

You'll be great...

Gonna have the whole world on a plate.

Startin' here.

Startin' now.

Honey, everything's coming up rosseehhhhhhhhsss.

( He ( she ) faints )

Striker: War is hell.

( Meanwhile back on the plane )

Attendnt: Would you like some coffee before we serve dinner?

Striker : No, no thank you.

Attendnt: Would either of you like another cup of coffee?

Mother2 : I will, but Jim won't.

Father : I think I will have another cup of coffee.

Mother2 : ( To herself in an echo voice ) Jim never has a

second cup at home.

Attendnt: Excuse me sister . . .

Nun : Yeahhhs?

Attendnt: There's little girl on board up front who's ill and ..

Nun : Oh, yes. I saw, poor child.

Attendnt: Could I borrow your guitar . . . I think maybe I could

cheer her up.

Nun : Of course.

Attendnt: Ohhhh.... thank you. ( She drags guitar across the

passengers heads )

Attendnt: Hi!

Mother : Hi!

Attendnt: Do you mind if I talk to your daughter?

Mother : No I think that'd be nice.

Attendnt: Hi, I'm Randy.

Dyingirl: I'm Lisa . . . YOU HAVE A GUITAAAAR!

Attendnt: Uh, huh! I thought maybe you'd like to hear a song.

Dyingirl: I'd love too!

Attendnt: Okay. Let's see, uh... this is one of my favorites!

I've traveled the banks of the river of Jordan

To find where it flows to the sea

I looked in the eyes of the cold and the hungry

And I saw that I was looking at meeeeeee.

And I wanted to know if life had a purpose

And what it all means in the end

In the silence I listened to voices inside me

And they told me again and again.

There is only one river ( Knocks IV out of Lisa's

arm with guitar but doesn't notice )

There is only one sea

And it flows through you

And it flows through me ( Lisa is having conniptions

about her IV as if about to die )

There is only one people

We are one in the same ( The whole plane begins to

clap along )

We are all one spirit

One naaaaaaaaaaaammmme.

We are the father

We are one.

We are one.

We are one.

Oever : Little late tonight. We've been waiting for you.

Elaine : Who wants to be first?

Murdock : Go ahead Clarence, I got 'er.

Elaine : How's the weather?

Murdock : Not so good. We've got some heavy stuff ahead of us.

It might get rough again unless we can climb on top.

Striker : ( To a guy in a turban ) Yeah, after the war, I just

wanted to get as far away from things as possible.

Elaine and I joined the Peace Corps. We were assigned

to an isolated tribe: the Malumbos. ( Flashback to

African tribe ) They'd never seen Americans before.

Striker : It was really a challenge during the year

introducing them to our western culture.

At first they didn't know what to think

of us, but soon we gained their trust.

Elaine : It will help you better prepare and store

foods for the up and coming Monsoon months.

Also, Supperware products are ideal for storing

leftovers to help stretch your food dollar. This

2 quart Sealz-em Right container will keep hot dog

buns fresh for days.

Striker : You must understand, these people had been

completely isolated from civilization. No one

had ever outlined a physical fitness program

for them and they had no athletic equipment.

I started them on simple calisthenics and slowly

worked them up to rudimentary game skills. And

finally, advanced competitive theory. I was

patient with them and they were eager to learn.

they seemed to enjoy themselves. It was probably

due to the advanced American techniques that we

were able to bridge the generations of isolation

communicate so successfully with Mulambos.

( The Mulambos start to play basketball like pros)

I think they're finally getting the hang of it

when we re-enlist, I'll teach them baseball.

Elaine : Ted, I don't want to stay here, its time for us

to go back home to the plans we made before the


Striker : Alot of people made plans before the war . . .

like George Zip. It was at that moment that I

first realized Elaine had doubts about our

relationship. And that as much as anything else

led to my drinking problem ( He pours his drink

on himself.) We did come back to the states, I tried

a number of jobs . . . well, I could go on for hours,

but I would probably start to bore you. ( Guy in

turban pulls out knife and points it to his heart )

I really couldn't blame Elaine ( Guy stabs himself

and moans ) she wanted a career.

Oldlady2: Uhhhhhhhh...... I can't stand it. Ohhhhhhh.

Elaine : Yes?

Oldlady2: Oh... its my stomach. I haven't felt this aweful since

we saw that Ronald Reagan film. uhh.

Elaine : I'll see if I can find some Dramamine. ( Goes to

cockpit ) Captain, one of the woman passengers is

very sick.

Oever : Airsick?

Elaine : I think so, but I've never seen it so acute.

Oever : Find out if there's a doctor on board as quietly as

you can. . . Joey . . . have you ever been in a, a

Turkish prison?

Father : Ohhhhhhhhhh, I shouldn't have had that second cup of

coffee. ( he vomits )

Mother2 : ( In echo voice ) Jim never vomits at home.

Elaine : I'm sorry I had to wake you, I'm just looking for a

doctor, there's nothing to worry about.

Woman3 : Stewardess, I think the man sitting next to me is

a Doctor.

Elaine : Sir, excuse me sir, I am sorry I have to wake you,

sir, are you a doctor?

Rumack : That's right.

Elaine : We have some passengers that are very sick, could you

come take a look at them?

Rumack : Yes, of course. . . ( To sick woman ) Let me see your

tongue. ( eggs begin to come out of her mouth. Rumack

cracks one and a bird flys out ) I'll be back in a

minute. ( To Elaine )

You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon

as possible, we've got to get them to the hospital. . .

Elaine : A hospital . . what is it?

Rumack : Its a big building with patients, but that's not

important right now. Tell the captain I must speak

to him.

Elaine : Certainly.

( Victor is getting sick )

Oever : Victor, we're running into some heavy weather . . .

can you ( Victor passes out ) Roger! Take OVER!

Rumack : Captain, how soon can you land?

Oever : I can't tell.

Rumack : You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Oever : NO, I mean I'm just not sure.

Rumack : Well, can't you take a guess?

Oever : Well, not for another 2 hours.

Rumack : You can't take a guess for another 2 hours?

Oever : No, no, no. I mean we can't land for another 2 hours

fog has closed down everything this side of the

mountains. We've got to get through to Chicago.

????????: What is it doctor?

Rumack : I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since

the Anita Bryant concert. What was it we had for

dinner tonight?

Elaine : Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.

Rumack : Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna. What did he


Elaine : Fish . . .

Attendnt: Doctor, there are 2 more sick people and the rest of

the passengers are worried.

Rumack : I'll go take care of the passengers. Find out what the

two sick people had for dinner.

Oever : This is Captain Oever speaking, been a little bumpy up

here, but we'll be past it in a couple minutes. A few

points of interest we are now flying over Hoover damn

and a little later on, we'll pass just to the south of

the Grand Canyon. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your

flight, okay? CHICAGO: THIS IS FLIGHT 2-0-9er. . .

We're in trouble, we've got to have all traffic below

us cleared. I want a priority approach and landing in


Mother2: Stewardess, my husband is very sick can you do

something please?

Elaine : Well, the doctor will be with you in just a moment.

One thing, do you know what he had for dinner?

Mother2 : Yes, of course, we both had fish. Why?

Elaine : Oh, its nothing to be alarmed about. We'll be back to

you very quickly.

Elaine : Dr Rumack, Mr Hammond ate fish, and Randy said there

five more cases and they all had fish too.

Rumack : And the Co-Pilot had fish, what did the navigator have?

Elaine : He had fish.

Rumack : Alright, now we know what we're up against. Every

passenger on this flight who had fish for dinner will

become violently ill in the next half hour ( Oever

notices he had fish and begins to come down with the

symptoms as they are described )

Elaine : Just how serious is it Doctor?

Rumack : Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and

dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the

red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy begins to

experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work

on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms

followed by the inevitable grueling. At this point,

the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by

uncontrollable flatulence ( Oever begins to fart )

Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a

quivering wasted piece of jelly.

Oever : Au--to--ma-tic pi-lot.

Elaine : ( Searches for button ) Automatic pilot, automatic

pilot, there it is . . . ( Otto begins to inflate)

Rumack : I'll go back to the passengers.

Chicago : Come in 2-0-9er, this is Chicago. Flight 2-0-9er,

come in.

Elaine : This is Elaine Dickenson, I'm the stewardess,

Captain Oever has passed out on the floor and

the co-pilot and navigator too. We're in

terrible trouble, over.

MCrosky : Roger, Elaine, Roger. I read you. This is Steve

McCrosky at Chicago air control, Back to you in

a minute ( To Tower ) Hold all takeoffs, I don't

want another plane in the air. When the 508

reports, bring it straight in. Put out a general

bulletin to suspend meal service on flights out

of Los Angeles. Tell all dispatchers to remain at

their posts, its gonna be long night. How bout

some coffee Johnny?

Johnny : NO THANKS!

MCrosky : I want the weather on every landing field this side

of the line, no matter what the size. Do you

understand? Anyplace, anyplace where there's a

chance to land that plane. ( To Siamese twins )

Stan, go up stairs to the tower and get a runway

diagram. Terry, check down the field for emergency


Airdude : Chief we got fog right down to the deck, every

place east of the Rockies. There's no possible

place to land, they'll have to come through to


MCrosky : Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

I want the best available man on this, a man who

knows that plane inside and out and won't crack

under pressure.

Johnny : How 'bout Mr Rogers?

MCrosky : Get me REX KRAMER! Elaine, right next to the throttle

is the air speed gauge. What speed does it indicate?

Elaine : 520 miles per hour.

MCrosky : Good now, check your altitude. That's the dial just

below and to the right of the air speed indicator.

Elaine : 35,000 feet. NO wait, 34,000 feet . . . NO WAIT,

its dropping. Its dropping fast, why's it doing

that? Oh my god, the automatic pilot, its


MCrosky : Don't panic, on the belt line of the automatic pilot

there's a tube, now that is the manual inflation

nozzle. Take it out and blow on it.

Passngr : What the hell's going on up there?

Rumack : Elaine?

Elaine : Yes, Doctor.

Rumack : Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face

a few unpleasant facts?

Elaine : NO.

Rumack : Alright, unless I get those people to a hospital

quickly, I can't even be sure of saving their lives.

Now, is there anyone on board who can land this


Elaine : Well, no, no one I know of.

Rumack : I think you ought to know what are chances are. The

life of everyone on board depends on one thing:

finding someone on board who can not only fly this

plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.

Elaine : Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking

We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement

might have caused this is due to periodic airpockets we

encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope

you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there

anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?


( Back at Rex's house )

Paul : Hello, I am Paul Puree from the airline, I'm here to

pick up Captain Kramer.

MsKramer: Oh, yes come in Paul, Rex will be right out.

Dog : Ruff, Ruff ( starts to grab paul's leg)

MsKramer: Shep, sit. So, I understand you all have a real

emergency down there.

Paul : Yes, something like that, but as I said, they didn't

have time to ( tries to get dog off leg ) tell me

very much. Ahhhh.

MsKramer: Shep, no. I'll bet you have exciting things happen all

the time down there.

Paul : Well, the airline business does have its moments ( still

trying to get rid of dog ) but after a while you get

used to it.

MsKramer: Shep! Come. He gets so excited when new people are

here. Are you a pilot yourself?

Paul : NO, (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh) I am in a training program. . .

Kramer : Its unbelievable, just unbelievable, you know how many

times I've warned them about food inspection.

MsKramer: You'd think after all these years someone would listen

to you ( dog and Paul wrestling in background)

Kramer : Airport management, the FAA and the airlines. They're

all cheats and liars. Alright, lets get outta here.

Attndnt : I'm sorry to bother you, I was just looking for someone

with flying experience.

Striker : When they built those roads they had no thought of

drainage in mind, so we had to take a special jeep

up to the main road. In fact, we were lucky to even

get a jeep since just the day before the only one we

had broke down, had a bad axle. ( The passenger

next to him douses himself in gasoline and lights

a match, then pauses while stewardess talks to

Striker )

Attndnt : Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the

cockpit . . .

Striker : The cockpit . . . what is it?

Attndnt : Its the little room in the front of the plane where the

pilots sit, but that's not important now. You see the

first officer is ill and the Captain need someone to

help him with the radio. Do you know anything about


Striker : Well, I flew in the war, but that was years ago, I

wouldn't know anything about it.

Attndnt : Won't you go up, please? ( Striker agrees, passenger

next to him blows out match, but blows himself up

accidently anyway )

Striker : The stewardess said . . . BOTH PILOTS????????

Rumack : Can fly this plane?

Striker : Surely you can't be serious?

Rumack : I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!

Attndnt : Doctor, I've checked everyone. Mr. Striker is the

only one.

Rumack : What flying experience have you had?

Striker : I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force,

but this plane has four engines. Its an entirely

different kind of flying, altogether.

All Together: Its a entirely different kind of flying.

Striker : Besides, I haven't touched any kind of plane in six


Rumack : Mr. Striker, I know nothing about flying, but there's

one thing I do know: You're the only one on this plane

who can possibly fly it, you're the only chance we've


MCrosky : NO, that's right, that's what I said . . . tell them all

to acknowledge and stand-by. Get me every piece of

emergency equipment you can reach. Alert rescue units

every mile of the way, from here to the rockies.

Towergy : Chief . . .

MCrosky : We'll need a pre-landing flight check, tell 'em I want

it in the dispatch office and tell 'em I want it here


Towergy : Its your wife.

MCrosky : ( To wife ) I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog

fed, the yard watered and the gate locked. And get a

note to the milkman NO MORE CHEESE! CLICK! Where the

hell's Kramer?

Kramer : No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame out is too

great, leave 'em at 24,000 . . . no, feet. One of the

passengers is gonna land that plane.

Paul : Is that possible?

Kramer : Possible, its a 100-1 shot. ( Car hits a cyclist )

Kramer : I know this guy.

Paul : You do?

Cyclist : Asssss-hole!

Paul : Who is it?

Kramer : Name is Ted Striker, I flew with him during the war,

it won't make my job any easier tonight. Ted Striker

was a crack flight leader, up to a point. He was one

of those men who, lets say, felt to much inside, maybe

you know the kind. Went all to pieces on one particular

mission, lets just hope that doesn't happen tonight.

Striker : Lets see. Altitude, 24,000 feet... level flight, speed

520 knots. Course, 0-9er-0, trim, mixture, wash, rinse,

spin . . .

Elaine : Ted, what are you doing here? You can't fly this plane!

Striker : That's what I've been trying to tell these people.

Rumack : Elaine, I don't have time to say this gently so I'll be

very direct everyone on this plane is in a desperate

situation, Mr. Striker is the only hope we've got.

Striker : Those are the flaps, this is the thrust, this must turn

on the landing lights ( Plane starts to nose dive when

that knob is turned ) Mayday, mayday, mayday.

MCrosky : MAYDAY? What the hell does that mean?

Johnny : Mayday? Why that's the Russian New Year. You know,

we'll have a big parade, we'll serve hot hor'doevres . .

Oldlady : I can't stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here.

I've gotta get outta here.

Elaine : Calm down get ahold of yourself.

Gentlmn : Stewardess, please, let me handle this ( grabs her and

starts to shake her )

Gntlmn2 : Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of


Nun : Mr, your wanted on the phone . . . Everything's going

to be alright ! Please.

Gntlmn3 : Sister, I'll handle this.

( There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips

waiting to help the woman )

Zealot5 : Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower ( Kramer

punches the man )

Zealot6 : Excuse me sir, would you . . . ( Kramer pushes him out

of the way )

Zealot7 : Donations for the Reverend Moon? ( Kramer punches him )

Zealot8 : Jews for Jesus? ( Crack ! ) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Zealot9 : Read about Jehovah's witness? ( Kramer kicks him )

Zealt10 : How about Buddhism? ( Whack! )

Zealt11 : Help Jerry's kids? ( punch! )

Zealt12 : Scientology?

Zealt13 : Avoid nuclear power? ( Bap ! Bop ! )

Announc : Your attention please! No Frills passengers no arriving

please have your baggage claim checks ready to show the

attendant upon leaving the terminal. ( Passengers are

coming down the conveyer belt for luggage )

Kramer : I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all.

He's a menace to himself and everything else in the

air. . . yes, birds too.

MCrosky : Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice

have we got? That's the whole story there Rex,

everything we know.

Kramer : Alright Steve, lets face a few facts. As you know I

flew with this man during the war. He's going to

have enough on his mind without worrying about those

times when . . . when things weren't so good.

MCrosky : Right now, things aren't so good.

Kramer : Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a

top notch squadron leader a long time ago.

MCrosky : I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down

Now, you're going to have to let him get the feel of

that airplane, and you'll have to talk him on to the

approach. So help me, you'll have to talk him right

down to the ground. ( Crash )

Kramer : Very well, put Striker on the speaker.

MCrosky : Use my radio there. Looks like I picked the wrong week

to quit drinking. ( gulp )

Towergy : Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain.

Kramer : Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex

Kramer speaking.

Striker : YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear.

Kramer : Alright, its obvious you remember me. What do you

say you and I just forget about everything except

what we have to do now.

Striker : Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never

flown a bucket like this. I'm gonna need all the

luck there is.

Kramer : Standby Striker. Our one hope is to build this man

up, I've got to give him all the confidence I can.

Striker- have you ever flown a multi-engine plane


Striker : NO, never.

Kramer : ( TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off)

SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no

way he can land that plane.

MCrosky : (Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta

talk him down, you gotta.

Kramer : We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll

avoid killing innocent people.

MCrosky : You're the only chance they've got.

Kramer : Alright, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a

plane is no different from riding a bicycle, just alot

harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. Now, first

I want you to get the feel of the plane. Later, we'll

run down the landing procedure. Now, I want you to

disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't

make any violent control movements like you did in the

fighter planes.

Striker : Alright, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot.

Kramer : Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy

compared to a fighter. Don't worry about that its

perfectly normal. ( Plane starts to nosedive and

passengers begin to panic ) Now one more thing,

is there somebody there who can work the radio

and leave you free for flying?

Striker : Yes, the stewardess is here with me.

Kramer : Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat.

Striker : Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat.

Passengr: What's going on? We have a right to know the truth!

Rumack : Alright, I'm going to level with you all. The most

important thing now is that you remain calm. There's

no reason to panic ( his nose starts to grow ). Now,

it is true that one of the crew members is ill,

slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine,

they're at the controls, flying the plane, free to

pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

Striker : The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye on that

number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a

little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" )

Kramer : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something.

I know that right now things must look pretty rough

up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell

you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't

have complete confidence in your chances to come out

of this thing alive and in one piece. Striker, what

kind of weather are you in up there?

Elaine : Rain!

Striker : And a little ice.

Elaine : And a little ice.

Kramer : How's it handling?

Striker : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.

Elaine : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.

Kramer : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine.

Striker : Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate

his guts.

Elaine : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he

hates your guts.

Jivemn2 : Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Attndnt : Can I get you something?

Jivemn2 : S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.


Attndnt : I'm sorry I don't understand.

Jivemn1 : Cutty say he cant hang.

Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.

Attndnt : Ohhhh, good.

Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know

if you can help him.

Attndnt : Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as

soon as I can with some medicine.

Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`

rebound a de medcide.

Jivemn2 : What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I

dug her rap.

Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump

don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains


MCrosky : Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better

let her know what's going on.

Towergy : Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.

MCrosky : Johnny, what can you make outta this?

Johnny : This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a

pterodactyl. . .

( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. )

MSOever : Hello?

Towergy : Mrs. Oever?

MSOever : Yes, this is Mrs. Oever.

Towergy : This is Ed Masias calling from the airport. There's

some trouble on your husband's flight. We don't know

how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may

want to get down here right away.

MSOever : Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone )

I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself

out the back door. There's juice in the refridger-

ator. ( We see she is sleeping with a horse)

Horse : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll.


Elaine : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and

we`re running out of time.

Striker : ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate

oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate,

concentrate, concentrate. Hello, hello, hello.

Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau

Manny Motta, motta, motta.

Man : How're you doing honey?

Woman5 : I'm so hot, I'm burning up.

Man : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow

with wind. " Close the window " )

Striker : Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do

we start down?

Kramer : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now.

I don't understand it should have been in range 10

minutes ago. Genderson, check the radar range,

anything yet?

Gendrsn : ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief.

MCrosky : 2 more minutes? They could be miles off course.

Kramer : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass

ensemble begins to play )

MCrosky : This is going to be a real sweat. Genderson, let me

know when you get anything. Got a cigarette Nelson?

I can't take much more of this. Looks like I picked

the wrong week to quit amphetamines. Johnny, how

about some more coffee?

Johnny : NO THANKS!

Towergy : Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement.

Reportr : How much longer can those passengers hold out?

MCrosky : A, half an hour or less.

Reportr : Who's flying the plane?

MCrosky : One of the passengers. But, he's an experienced Air

Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no

cause for alarm. . . Here, take over.

Reportr : What kind of plane is it?

Johnny : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes,

curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like

a big tylenol.

Reportr : Okay boys, lets get some pictures. ( Take photos off

of wall . . .)

( Various reports from around the world are shown )

TVGUY : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner

approaches Chicago.

Countpt : They bought their tickets, they knew what they were

getting into. I say let em crash.

Man2 : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am?

Woman6 : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT! ( She the does

cocaine )

Striker : How are the passengers doing?

Rumack : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out

of time.

Striker : Surely there must be something you can do.

Rumack : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley.

Nun : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock

it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little

respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little

bit . . .

Attndnt : Booo-hooo ( she crys )

Rumack : Randy, are you alright?

Attndnt : Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared.

And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.

Rumack : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.

Woman3 : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?

Rumack : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?

Woman3 : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at

least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder )

Voice : Stay in formation, target's just ahead. Target should

be clear if you go in low enough. You'll have to decide

You'll have to decide...

Striker : oh rats! we lost number 4.

Elaine : What happened Ted, what went wrong?

Striker : The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure.

When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit

the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan )

Kramer : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up

there? Striker, that plane can't land itself, it

takes a pilot that can handle pressure.

MCrosky : Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his

fault. It could happen to any pilot.

Johnny : It happened to Barbara Stanwick.

MCrosky : Don't push him too hard, give him a break. You gotta

remember who you're dealing with.

Johnny : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn.

Striker : He's right, I can't take the pressure. I was crazy to

think I could land this plane.

Elaine : Ted, you're the only hope.

Striker : I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't

have what it takes. They'd be better off with someone

who'd never flown before.

MCrosky : Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.

Johnny : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger.

Striker : I know what you're going to say, so save your breath.

Rumack : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the

best you could. You really have, the best you could.

You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell

you something I've kept to myself through these years.

I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late

duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded

pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk.

He looked at me and said " The odds were against

us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain

made the right decision. The pilot's name was George


Striker : George Zip said that?

Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime

when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating

the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all

they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't

know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell

too good, that's for sure.

Striker : Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.

Kramer : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit,

as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in.

Striker : I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack

says the sick people are in critical condition. And

every minute counts. We've got to land now.

Kramer : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like

this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you

to stay up there.

Striker : NO DICE CHICAGO. I'm giving the orders and we're

coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now,

isn't it Kramer?

Kramer : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a


MCrosky : I know, I know, but its his ship now, his command, he's

in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese,

Towergy : Captain, look at this!

MCrosky : Passengers certain to die!

Kramer : Airline negligent.

Johnny : There's a sale at Penny's!

MCrosky : Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower. You Newbower,

you Maceias. . .

Johnny : Me John! Big tree.

Kramer : Standby, Striker. We're going to the tower, good luck.

Johnny : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . .

Woman4 : Stewardess, how soon so we land?

Attndnt : It won't be long now, try not to worry.

Towerguy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain

Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain

Henshaw this is Captain Gatz, Captain Kramer, Captain

Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts.

MCrosky : Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all

air traffic within five miles, get that finger out of

your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy

smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels? Your husband

and the others are alive, but unconscious.

Johnny : Just like Gerald Ford.

MCrosky : Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can

get that plane down in time.

MSOever : That isn't much of a chance, is it?

MCrosky : I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything

we can, now excuse me huh?

Johnny : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and

those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz.

( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen )

Towergy : 8 miles. Looks like their heading 0-4-4.

Elaine : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent.

Kramer : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto

that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the

runway )

Towergy : Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er.

Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2. Civilian

equipment number 3. Air Force positions number 4

and 5. All ambulances go to number 3. Air

Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown

wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. )

Attendnt: In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions.

your life jackets are located under your seat. Place

the jacket over your head. And when I give the word,

pull the cord on the right side flap. Your seat

cushions are also equipped with a flotation device.

Radio : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane

knocks down station's transmitter )

Kramer : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic. You

can't come straight in. You've got enough fuel left

for two hours of flying.

Striker : I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer! We have

people up here who will die in less than an hour

let alone two. I may bend your precious airplane,

but I'll get it down. I'm putting the landing gear

down now.

Attendnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.

Striker : Thank you Randy. You'd better leave sweetheart. You

might get hurt up here.

Elaine : Ted,

Striker : Yes?

Elaine : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud.

Striker : Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land.

Elaine : The gear is down and we're ready to land.

Kramer : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights

except 9er.

Towerguy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights


MCrosky : No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do.

Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all

counting on you.

Kramer : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should

be able to see the runway at 300 feet. Aim the

touchdown a third of the way along. There's a slight

crosswind from the right so be ready for it. Land

too fast, use your emergency breaks. The red handle's

right in front of you. If that doesn't stop you . . .

( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the

four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head.

Do you see us now? You should be able to see the field

now. ( Dog barks )

MCrosky : It sure is quiet out there. . .

Kramer : Yeah, too quiet.

MCrosky : Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing

glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over )

Striker : There it is.

Kramer : There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast . . .

Striker : I know, I know.

Elaine : He knows, he knows.

Airdude : Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625,

he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down.

Kramer : Sound your alarm bell, now.

Attendnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The

passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash-

ed. )

Kramer : Put down 30 degrees of flap. Striker now listen to me

Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to fly it

out . . .

Airdude : He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . .

what an asshole.

Kramer : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . .

Johnny : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding.

Kramer : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings. You're

coming in too fast, watch your speed.

MCrosky : He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window )

Kramer : You're coming in too hot. Ease up on the throttle.

Watch for that crosswind. Aim for the numbers, you'll

have to dip your left wing. You're drifting, keep your

eyes on the far end of the runway. You're too low

damnit! Watch your stall speed. Ease her down, down.

The break . . . pull the red handle.

Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all

counting on you.

Voice2 : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10

Kramer : Push a button.

Voice2 : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . .

Johnny : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister,

its a twister.

Voice : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . .

( Plane lands safely )

Rumack : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all

counting on you.

Kramer : Striker, Striker, you alright?

Striker : Yeah, we're okay.

Kramer : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history

of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me

would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . .

and Ted I just want you to know that when the going

got rough . . .

Attendnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day,

thank you for flying TransAmerican.

Kramer : Lonliness, thats the bottom line. I was never happy

as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean

to you? It was living hell. Do you know what its

like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head.

With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does,

that never happens. Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question.

Attendnt: Have a nice day.

Kramer : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . .

the best investment in America.

( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off )


An optimist robs himself of the joy of being pleasantly surprised
Posts: 4138
Joined: Sat Jan 29, 2000 9:14 am

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Sat Jul 29, 2000 8:22 am


Nice scipt.
Posts: 744
Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 12:58 pm

RE: Have You Ever Been In A Turkish Prison?

Sat Jul 29, 2000 8:44 am

...and that's why most boards limit the size of posts...

oh well, i _did_ enjoy my favorite part (the T/O dialouge)


Sat Jul 29, 2000 12:46 pm

AIRPLANE! was the best ever!
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking"...
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking"...
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines"...
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue"...

"What kind of plane is it?"
"Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes,
curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like
a big tylenol."

Tropical Skies-
Fly to new horizons

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