Here are a few bits of ATC humor I got via e-mail. Some of these are *really* good!
Pleas excuse the funny spacing- this came via e-mail, and while I got rid of all the funny > and < marks, I'm not going to re-space the whole thing.
> >Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor?
(January 29, 2001)
The following are reported accounts of actual exchanges between airline
and control towers from around the world.
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale,
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming,
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie"
taxi way; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's
difficult to tell the
difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to
sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, US Air 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control"
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight
2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current
state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after
the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an
pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind
to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it
costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well... I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that
Fokker in sight."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign
"Speedbird 206") after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never
flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing.
I didn't stop."<<