1. People who take literally weeks to check in (I am always done in 1 minute)
2. People who leap to their seat after seatbelt sign is switched off even though they cant go anywhere for 10 minutes
3. Captains who think their funny
4. Heathrow airport (just the 27 planes in front of us before takeoff!)
5. People who take over 2 pieces of hand luggage (check-it you muppetts)
6. The wellbeing video
7. People who recline their seat on shorthaul
8. Stem Ginger biscuits (I over did it in the lounge once)
9. Lounge staff that chat or tap keys for a gratuitous X seconds before even acknowledging your presence
10. Gate staff that DONT police the J/F boarding line (on a recent flight the line for J/F was snaked half way around the gate... I just went ot the head of the line and said 'are all these people travelling F/J?'... as I went straight down I overhead an arguemnt with the next person "This is the J/F line" "but you haven't annouced it properly... blah balh")
11. 2 out of 7 'security' machines open at the busiest time of day
12. Fastrack security that takes longer than Plebtrack
13. People that can’t count and stop at every second row to see if they have reached 99Z yet
14. People who walk down the aisle with a large rucksack hanging of one shoulder bang every seat and person in it without noticing it.
15. People that put their bags under their seat so that the person behind has no leg room. (Sorry to the lady in front of me from Billund on Thursday, I guess your kid has new flat lego to play with)
16. Crisp packets! In the lounge and on the plane. I hate the noise of people eating one at a time for a bout half an hour
17. People that don’t know where they are going and just stop at the end of every moving walk way, escalator to look around.
18. Knobs who think that it is just find and dandy to read write text messages walking up the bridge form the ac whilst walking at 1mph in the middle oblivious to those stuck behind them.
19. They YEH I HAVE JUST LANDED AT LHR
, YEH I HAVE BEEN AWAY crowd how shout this down the phone as soon as they land.
20. People who shout at their phone in the lounges.
21. Parents with 4 6’4” 16 year olds who pre board.
22. People with so much hand luggage or hand luggage that is so heavy the expect others to help them with it. If you can’t carry it then check it in please.
23. People who sit in your assigned seat and then say well it doesn’t matter just take mine back 6 rows…..
24. Cabin crew who think the first 2 lockers are for them.
25. Mr 99Z who puts his bags above 1A and wonders to the back of the plane.
26. Idiots who put their passports away in the inside pocket of their wallet and then put it in the secret inside pocket of their bag and look all surprised when asked for it at the gate.
27. Idiots who like to remove the actual ticket from the boarding pass and have to rummage around for it before they are allowed on.
28. "Do you mind filling out this form survey please, Mr Davidson?"
29. "Sorry, we don't have any more of those left, only 3 were loaded on. How about the beef instead?"
30. "Sorry Ladies & Gentleman, it appears that our stand is being used. We are going to have to use a remote stand and get a bus to the terminal."
31. "Sorry Ladies & Gentleman, there is still an aircraft on our stand, if you could remain seated with your seatbelts fastened we shouldn't have to wait too long." 10 minutes later. "Shouldn't be too much longer."
is a particular horror. No concept of putting everything in a bag or a coat and putting that through. So you rapidly run out of time for the flight only to get through security to remember that the BA
pier is still a train ride away.
33. Staff at the entrance to the F checkin queue who assume you can't possible be in F
34. Parents with children in WT
/WT+ who let them run up and down the Club aisles
35. People who use headphones as loudspeakers (how DEAF can they be??)
36. Americans that SHOUT
37. CSDs that dont switch the laptop power on until halfway through the flight
38. Invisible CSDs (seems to be more and more common lately...)
39. People who try and blag their way into lounges when they have no right
40. People who seem to drag everything out of their bag to find their well hidden BP
and passport despite the fact the boarding announcement asks for people to have them ready
41. Flying in premium classes and stand around waiting while everyone elses luggage but yours appears
42. The remote stand factor. I swear one day after a couple too many Newcastles in the lounge my knee is going to get embedded in the steps on the way up to the aircraft
43. The endless circling somewhere near LHR
on an early morning
44. The grand cell phone turn on and pointless phone calls
45. People who just fanny about in general. In particular I prefer not to dawdle from the plane to immigration, after all you can save yourself around 150 places if you hurry up. People just seem to idle about in the middle of the damn walkway or corridor
46. No newspapers / magazines on baord for a 2 hour + flight
47. Not having my jacket hung up
48. Cabin crew announcements in completely mangled French / German / Spanish
49. Fat people sitting next to me
50. People who want to talk to you just because you're sitting next to them
51. People who start knocking back the free piant stripper disguised as champagne just becuase they're in business
52. Grim airport lounges (why would I want to sit in a broomcupbard with no spare seats and hundreds of sweaty middle managers just to enjoy a free glass of tepid Highland Spring and yesterday's newspapers?
53. "Flight closing" showing on the monitors when they haven't even started boarding yet
54. People who don't realise that row 20 is just after row 19 and is followed by row 21
55. Getting bussed on arrival and ending up at the back of a huge queue for immigration
56. Middle seats
57. Middle seats
58. Middle seats - especially on BA
Club Europe. I didn't pay a £300 premium to sit in a middle seat!
59. People who stand still on aiport travelators (usually with a roll-on piece of hand-luggage the width of a 747). I have to suppress the urge to inform them that there are no fluffy animals playing instruments or other entertainment while on the ride.
60. The fact that all the edible sandwiches are gone from the tray in the lounge when I get there (turkey with cranberry sauce, anyone?)
61. All day deli (a deli should be a place to buy cold meat, not a pathetic excuse for a meal)
62. Captains who fail to explain or apologise for a long wait on stand before departure (plus crew who retire to the galleys to gossip during said wait)
63. Check-in staff who refuse to allow you to go to the gate in spite of the fact that the flight hasn't closed
64. The birdsong in the loos in BA
UK lounges (am I the only one who finds this a bit weird?)
from LHR T4
????!!! Remote stands 70% of the time plus frequent lengthy waits, first to cross the active runway (if landing on 27R) and then to taxi on to stand behind a slow moving 747
66. Lack of a separate bus for premium pax and BAEC golds/silvers when remote stands are used (esp. on arrival)
67. Baggage handlers who play catch with premium tagged bags before unloading them last
68. Parents who fly F, stick the kids in J and the nanny in 42EF (this on a 747) and then expect said maids to cater for childrens/parents every whim throughout the flight....much to the annoyance of the passengers in 42 D & G and the cabin crew.....
69.The asshat who walks round the lounge with his boarding card sticking up out of his shirt pocket. The one with 1A clearly displayed.
70. Babies and small children in J/F
71. The announcement to look at the new BA
72. Audio channels at wildly differing volumes - this is a QF
speciality. You are listening to the 1 decent track you have finally found on one channel, turned up a little so you can hear it over the roar of the jets and the screaming children, when inevitably the crap next song (or mindless chatter of the DJ
) comes on so you go channel surfing and have your eardrums implode because the next channel is at least twice as loud. (Then when you whip the headphones off in shock looking like you've just been stung by a bee, your seatmate will look at you in horror, like you have some sort of involuntary twitch or spasm...
73. Dumbos who block the aisle when they're trying to stuff their bag in the overhead bin.
74. Captains who tell us that we're gonna be on time when they know we're probably gonna land on 09L for Terminal 4 - and, worse, when they tell us that "we've landed ahead of schedule" when we're not anywhere near the gate yet.
75. People who take half an hour to check in (especially if they are in one of the few business queues) - I always manage to do it within 3 minutes...
76. Anywhere (check-in/lounge/supermarket/corner shop/sports centre) where people cannot acknowledge your presence quickly and pollitely, even if it will be a few minutes until they can actually help you...
77. Parents who stuff thir offspring with so many crisps and sweets and other junk, that they throw up during the night on a red-eye (right across the aisle from you)
78. Anybody from another class who comes through your cabin to use the toilets (because there is too much fo the queue to use theirs...).
79. When sitting in economy, anyone behind who has to LEVER themselves up by grabbing hold of and hanging off of the back of your seat. Or people who walk to the lavatory by grabbing hold (and releasing) each seat either side of the aisle as they go...
80. FAs who talk/gossip/laugh in the Business Class galleys in the middle of the night.
81. the "middle""middle" seat on a 2-5-2 configuration - arrrrggghhh!!!
82. US immigration when they mess it up and enter you details incorrectly and stamp your passports incorrectly, so you have to go through secondary immigration/screening for your next 5 or 6 trips to the US...
83. Your "priority tagged" luggage that comes out last.
84. "Charity" collectors who pounce on you when you first step out of the terminal door at LAX
85. Porters in Romania who confiscate your suitcases from the taxi when you arrive, take them 10ft to the terminal door and then require a handsome tip...
86. Being woken up by QF
inbound to LHR
around India at about 0030 UK time for breakfast because the Australians are hungry
87. People who do not take everything out of their pockets prior to getting to the x-ray machines and spend 5 minutes seaching each pocket to get it all out
88. Watching people spending ages getting their hand luggage into the overhead lockers and just oblivious to everyone behing them waiting to get into the plane
89. Adults who strole down the aisle with oversize bags banging into you whilst you're sat in an aisle seat
90. Rock-hard, refrigerated bread rolls on board. QF
are you listening?
91. The overpriced, disgusting pap that passes for food at BAA airports.
92. The new trend to build airports about 50 miles away from the cities they serve.
93. The inevitability of an Adam Sandler film playing on every flight I board.
94. Discovering that you have the only 'window seat' on the aircraft that does not in fact have a window.
95. Incredible vanishing seat pre-assignments.
96. Headphones that will only work in one ear, unless you hold the plug into the socket just so...
97. People who tell me I should never fly BA
because they are such a ripoff only to found out I paid less for Club Europe than they did for some ripoff Ryanair flight
98. O'Leary. Probably one of my biggest hate figures of all time.
99. The passenger at SFO
who while waiting in his 300 person line for World Traveller decided to tell lean into the J line as I approached and tell me that I was in the wrong line and that was for business class passengers only....maybe it was the flipflops, shorts and sailing club T-shirt that got to him....Maybe a slightly disgruntled business traveller whose company didn't think him worthy enough to fly in J.
100. Students who think it is their right to fly in J and as such turn up wearing all kinds of crap like flipflops, shorts and sailing club T-shirt. They then snarl at the people not flying in the same cabin
Other than that I rather enjoy flying!
"My first job was selling doors, door to door, that's a tough job innit" - Bill Bailey