Topic Author
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2000 6:31 am

The Secret Life Of Tools

Tue Feb 20, 2001 7:21 pm

I've had this for quite some time and thought I would share it. It was sent to me while I was with Trans States working on their J-32s, so it's slanted that way. But it sheds some light on what we in the maintenance dept. actually use all those shiny tools for. Enjoy!
When working on the Jetstream (a.k.a. Wigglepig) it's always important to
have the right tools at your disposal. The following is a comprehensive list
of what will be needed.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive unstocked
parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to the hangar; works particularly
well on boxes containing seat cushions and windscreens.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great
for drilling holes near control cables and pulleys.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those
stale toolbox cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
Whitworth socket drawer (What thieving co-worker would think to look in
there....?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for
the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Huachuca.)

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-
month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them
away for no good reason. Not used for the Jetstream only due to the
Geneva convention.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks
you in the chest and flings your Pepsi across the hangar, splattering it
against the babe-filled, "SNAP-ON TOOLS" calender over the bench

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Jimi Hendrix."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Jetstream to the
ground after you have installed a left main tire, firmly trapping your
toolbox under the oleo-strut.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used for levering the Jetstream
upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling St. Louis to see if they will reimburse you
for your toolbox.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dogcrap off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TWO-TON TURBINE ENGINE STAND: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground wires and hydraulic lines you
may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large engine
mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end instead of a handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin", which is not otherwise found while doing a graveyard shift.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the tops of defective
Pepsi cans, can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips
screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Snap-On Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty airframe bolts last tightened 10
years ago by some three fingered drunken pubcrawling bastard
in Prestwick, Scotland 10 years ago.

Thou shalt mind thine altitude,lest the ground reach up and smite thee.
Posts: 1989
Joined: Mon Jul 10, 2000 4:51 am

RE: The Secret Life Of Tools

Fri Feb 23, 2001 7:18 am

That is a classic, Crjmech! It is all too familiar ( and sad!)

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