jafa39
Posts: 4320
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:14 pm

Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Thu Nov 16, 2006 6:11 pm

Quality of life is all about expectations, if you expect to fly round the planet in economy and you have this fantasy that it will be a comfortable and engaging experience….well, you’re probably going to piss and moan the whole time.

If you expect it to be horrible, it may well turn out to be tolerable.

I found myself approaching check-in for NZ2 AKL-LAX-LHR wondering if I should have waited a week and gone via HKG both ways.

But the first of many pleasant surprises were in store……

First up, the check-in queue was tiny.



The only minor inconvenience was that “security measures” at LAX meant that my long-haul survival kit couldn’t contain toothpaste and heaps of bottled water but that was no biggie compared to the hassles of carrying two suits (1 business, 1 “Black Tie”) in a hanging travel bag but the next pleasant happening was that I found the one and only mutant trolley at AKL that is tall enough to hang suits from!

So I wandered about, buying chocolate and muesli bars to keep me sustained between meals on the flight.

This being a 22:45 take off, with boarding at 21:50, AKL was almost deserted and time passed remarkably quickly as I sat deciding who was a good person and who should be staked out at low tide and covered in fish food, from my soon-to- be fellow pax.

Once through the 2 sets of X-Ray machines, where a testosterone laden lady security dudette rubbed me in nice places with a “bleepy stick” and asked to see where my socks and legs interfaced, followed by a quick scan of the inside face of my belt buckle, I wandered down the stairs to the gate.

I didn’t feel too violated but couldn’t understand why my empty water bottle was confiscated while others were allowed to pick up their duty frees at the gate.

Which would you use to hijack an a/c…an empty plastic bottle or a full 2 litre jug of cheapass gin???

Never mind, the gate areas have been made over in recent months and very nice they are too.



Among the people I had marked down for a watery grave and a fishy end was a woman who was travelling with her 6 year old son, a lively lad, excited and in possession of a die-cast ANZ 747, who was charging about the lounge going “Vrooooom, Shhhhhhh, Roooaaaar!”, as small boys are meant to.

Rather than let him burn off steam prior to the long ordeal ahead, the woman kept trying to calm him down, feed him apples and rub his back in very control-freaky way. As a parent with 23 years experience I wanted to go over and enlighten her as to the error of her ways, small boys are like over inflated tyres, best let some pressure off if you are intending to spend any amount of time in close proximity!
There was also a silly dude with a coke-freak “Look at me” grin. Hair the length of a European football star and a goatee beard the size of ones thumb, he just stood about, grinning inanely and slowly revolving like an organic lighthouse in a sea of pax.

Turns out he was a tour guide and was returning to the UK on the same flight as most of his wrinkly clients and was clearly the sort of person who would rather look a twat than be ignored.

Someone discovered the sign to the toilets and there was a brief flurry of activity as bladders were emptied, noses blown and discrete farting undertaken.

About 10 mins before our suggested boarding time there was a loud “Ziiiiip, ziiiiiip” noise, it was caused by the wheels of multiple rollaboards being dragged across the exit strips of the elevator, I looked up and spotted a gaggle of FA’s, our FA’s arriving at the gate.

I recognised one of them from my HKG-AKL run last December, pushing 50, in a very good state of preservation and with a haughty disdainful air that could only mean she was based in business and probably the boss-lady of the whole show.

I fought back the fantasies of chastisement and “Handy man meets bored housewife” by adding a grumpy looking Mature German Backpacker to my list of fish attractants…on the grounds that her trousers were too short and she was wearing a bum-bag.

I decided it was my turn to have a last, swift, terrestrial poo while the going was good but it was no easy task, I hate having to stand my laptop case in puddles of piss and there was no hanger for my suit bag so I had to improvise with a health and safety notice and a large dose of optimism.

The door kept talking, giving me advice on how to lock it, asking that it be left slightly open when I left the area, this was slightly disturbing but at least I didn’t feel lonely.

I wandered up to the window to check which 744 we were going to be on and discovered that it was ZK-NBW, the same a/c I flew to NZ on for the first time, back in Feb 2003, she looked very big and white in the dark…..reminded me of my first sexual encounter with that unfortunate girl in the graveyard 32 years ago…



But I digress, we all boarded and I was most impressed with the refitted interior, very smart and still with that NZ feel.



I was pleased to find that loads were light and the seat next to me (I had pre-booked 66C) was empty as promised. This meant I had two seats to myself and also just over half a seat of empty space between me and the window which gave an impression of heaps of extra “personal space”.

In front of me were two very pleasant looking women, Blonde MILF and Red-Head MILF, Blonde MILF had the most amazing hair, platinum blonde, seasoned with a salt n pepper effect, very nice, very porn star and the fantasies kept me amused all across the Pacific.

There were Hispanic looking lads down the back who all got told off for grabbing any “empty” seats that looked nicer than theirs but not everyone had boarded and so they got offside with the FA’s and moved back to their allocated seats.

I noted an old couple in the seats behind me and hoped they wouldn’t be miserable or anti-reclining Nazis, stared out into the black, rainy night and retired into the Zen state that seems to intersperse with my more lucid moments, arranged my midnight snacks, adjusted my seat belt and felt the swaying jolt of pushback. On time, all good, lets go.

Nothing beats the thrust of a fully laden 747 as it claws its way skyward, that hanging moment just after rotation when you wait for the tail to hit the deck (which in a perfect world never does) and then that steady climb, in this case, away to the east, over Whitford.

I could see the lights of Whangaparaoa to my left and waved weakly in the general direction of my house, happy to be here for once instead of listening to the late night flight passing overhead.

With a lump in my throat and a sigh of resignation I settled back, arranged things around me for my comfort and waited for food, lovely airline food, one of my great passions, next to large-breasted red-heads and surly police women.

The food was worth the wait, something brown, some beige stuff and a few green bits, with that generic taste that I just can’t get Mrs J to replicate, a lovely cakey thing nestled in a sea of custard and a Kiwi Cab-Sav as a nightcap. Except for the MILFs in row 66 I couldn’t have wanted for anything more.

Swaying gently in the inky blackness I started to tour the IFE, watched a disturbing episode of Little Britain, listened to a Bic Runga album, relished the thought of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers later in the flight and nestled in to sleep after first visiting the lavs to wash my face in the excellent and delightfully whiffy T Tree and Manuka hand wash, checked my face in the mirror for any signs of inner conflict, necked a “No Jet Lag” and dropped into a semi pissed slumber, a contented man. Here I was, about to circumnavigate the world (via EDI) and all paid for by work! Another ambition realised.

I thought about this as I nodded off and wondered what I would have left to achieve if I ever realised my ambition of world domination, I reasoned that I would then have the ambition of being the first dictator not to meet a sticky and untimely end at the hands of his subjects.

There really isn’t a lot one can say of interest about a 12 hour flight at night, and as I resolutely refuse to photograph my food it narrows things down a bit but I can say that, once you get the hang of the rather odd buttons, the ANZ IFE is superb, the Air Show, which gives you all sorts of info about where you are, how high you are and when to expect daylight is wicked!! and the selection of music and TV is superb.

I managed to watch some dudes surfing a tidal surge in the Amazon at some point but I spent the rest of the time sleeping in 2 hour blocks, experimenting with my seats and at one point, sleeping on my back with my feet in the window! I think NZ are one of the few airlines that would allow such a decadent sprawl…KLM would have had me shot!!!

So, I slept, I drank water and I did my walks around the plane, always clockwise like a good closet Buddhist and with plenty of trips to the lav to make sure my poos and wees didn’t look odd or show signs of dehydration or moral decay.

Around the three quarter distance mark for the AKL-LAX leg I noticed bright light through a badly shut blind, I legged it down to door 5L and gazed out into the ferociously bright new day, marvellous and it was only an hour to breakfast…mmmmm, airline food!!!
The Red Bull “Snowthrills” doco kept me on task until the much awaited brekkie showed up and with all the blinds up I was keen to see the approach to LAX and in the event wasn’t disappointed.

With a gorgeous “all day” breakfast stashed away in my belly I stayed glued to the window and eventually we passed over an Island, the name escapes me but to the east was LA and there was rather a lot going on in the harbour and the seas betwixt island and continent.

Boats (fast) Boats (Large) Boats (Fahkin’ huuuuuge!!!) and Oil Rigs were dotted about the sea as we pulled a series of graceful turns in the clear, cloudless sky.

ZK-NBW stretched and flexed herself as she swung down to the south of LA to start her approach, glad of the chance to do something other than go “woooossshhhh” in a straight line, for the first time in nearly 12 hours. The weather was perfect and for once the sky wasn’t pink.

Down below was what I assumed to be Venice Beach; I may be wrong but behind the beach was a residential area with no roads, just canals and boats, so it’s good enough for me.

The approach took us over acres of houses with many swimming pools (by the goddamn beach already!!??) and I was lost in it all, amazed at how they pack ‘em in compared to NZ and amused to see that you could tell you were over the “projects” because all the lawns were dead and the houses were more than 1 storey high.

We got lower and lower, there were a fair few a/c about and the cabin, recently restless with bustle and anticipation was subdued, all pax strapped in and gathering their inner strength for ordeal by LAX, which basically amounts to being herded into a corridor for fingerprinting, and retinal scanning, if you’re really lucky someone might take umbrage at your protestations of innocence and stare up your botty with a torch, or even search your bra for concealed or even congealed “Weapons of Mass Destruction”.

I decided to play it dumb as the new “Immigration Waiver” forms now have a bit where you sign away your rights to any recourse against the TSA, no matter how barbaric their treatment of you.

We reconnected with mother earth with a skip and a roar and wandered over to gate 5..I think.





I recall seeing the usual stunning array of different liveries and a/c types but was concerned to note that all the South West planes looked a bit beat-up and scabby…much like some of their pax so I don’t suppose it matters.

In the gates opposite us were a SW 737 and a American West A319 and I wondered if HAL and Seven3Seven were idly sharing a joke, staring out of the window at ZK-NBW and wondering if Jafa39 was on the plane.

We lined up, took a collective deep breath and with a stoicism usually only found in Martyrs at their end, stepped into the airbridge to a (un)certain fate.

Only to be very pleasantly surprised yet again on this trip.

Maybe it was due to light loads and this may have been due to the impending opening of the LHR-HKG-AKL run, but it was very quiet and orderly in the corridor, the queue moved quite fast, there was no hustle and bustle and the scary TSA lady even brought us water to drink as we were told what corrections we needed to make to our waiver forms, in the manner of a schoolmistress, who at weekends likes to tie men up and whip them for money.

Our fingerprints were taken and our pics, as we passed quickly into the lounges where Air NZ provided fruit, Biccies, crisps, tea, coffee, fizzy drinks and (my choice) a fruit juice drink that tasted of pile ointment but did at least fulfil a need.

Dragging my suit bag with my bad finger (4 stitches out last week) I found a seat and sat idly munching and drinking, a bit dazed really as all this efficient quietude had quite taken me by surprise and without anyone to hate I sat once more dividing my fellow travellers into categories guaranteed to offend.

MILFs, closet Nazis, smelly people, control freaks, tarts, tossers and hoons. They were all there along with the obligatory “head down the toilet smoking a ciggie man” but all done in slow motion with the sound turned down as we sat there, blinking in disbelief while NBW had her needs met, out on the tarmac.



Another pleasant surprise! Called back to re-board in under an hour…O…M…G!!!

Considering what a shit-hole we had reduced the plane to during the previous 12 hours, the work of the cleaners is a miracle that makes loaves and fishes seem a bit of a sideshow by comparison, we got all settled in, threw our collective crap about the place and prepared for the next leg.



The Captain explained to us all that we would be taking a fairly southerly route, over Chicago and across the deep and briny sea (here be dragons) to swoop down with a vengeance and scare cows as they grazed contentedly in the Southern Oirish fields.

This should bring us to London Zoo…sorry Heathrow.. ..(there isn’t much to tell them apart, except that maybe one smells more of animal dung than the other) and into the arms of our loved ones, on time at 11am UK time.

The weather was doing weird as we took off, sunny as over LAX but with a big wall of low cloud rearing up from the beach, one second we were glinting our way through rotation and then…..nothing, could barely see the engines as we plunged headlong into the cloud, only to emerge a few minutes later out into the sunshine again.

NBW rolled to port with ecstasy, yearning to do something frivolous but was pulled into line by the Captain to transport us over South LA, a burgeoning drift of development, in parts understandable but, as we headed inland, over what must be the very newest of the development envelope, I was shocked to see clusters of houses just standing there in the desert, nothing around them but sand and seemingly far from the madding crowd, distanced, excommunicated and oddly juxtaposed amongst the coyotes, roadrunners, tumble weed and the whitening bones of Cowboys who were not quick enough on the draw.

Hills, dry as dust, browny-pink in the setting sun, came and went, a lake appeared and a massive City, Havasu Lake City, I think, again, a big slab of humanity, cast adrift in a sea of sand, bugger all to connect with. No wonder some US cities seem to be so inward-looking, no surprise that the road trip to a life of freedom and unrestricted movement is the core business of the “American Dream”, I’d be in the first Chevy Impala to God-knows-where if I lived there.

Darkness, airline food and slumped, dreaming, slumber became my world, that dream-state where here, now, then and otherness become myths and legends, there is only the aircraft, the whooosssshhh of progress, a gentle slap and judder of turbulence and that zen-like acceptance that nothing, only death or disaster, will separate you from the next 10 hours. You have no choice; your boundaries are defined, locked, armed and insurmountable.

The happy pax is the pax who retreats into himself, has muesli bars and chocolate hidden in his pockets and is blessed with room to change contact points from time to time.

I resumed my routine: swallow “No Jet Lag” pill, drink water, walk round plane, do stretching, pee, poo, flush, watch beard grow, settle down, sleep for 2 hours, wake, check airshow map, take pill. If a man can find peace and contentment with this he can survive long haul.

During one of my cabin circuits I found ADHD Boy with his 747 in hand, lying on the floor behind the wall that allows access behind the last row of seats to doors 5L & 5R and the blissful sanctuary of the lavs. He was lying there, writhing and thrashing, not epileptic, but in dire need of something other than his mother’s cloying control and the forced politeness of the FA’s as he ran about the corridor going “whooooossshh”, “Roooaaaarr” colliding with merino-clad buttocks or tripping over their (the FA’s) unwary feet.

We made eye contact as he writhed and squiggled on the floor, me wishing we could swap places, (I would have sold my boat for a few minutes of horizontal at this point) and he would, had he not been off his face with bliss and joy, most probably have swapped his 747 for just a little glimpse into the world of adults, stern, composed and worldly wise……..yeah right!!

And then….Chicago!!!! Huge, sprawling and brightly lit, I found myself very conscious of just how much energy gets used up each day and each night, pumping out the sodium photons into a deserted landscape, millions of dollars each year spent just for the pimps and hookers to count their money by, while god-fearing folk toss and turn, dreaming of that lottery win, a new fridge, dental plans and the simple joy of a bullshit free day.

There was a lot of air traffic over Chicago, a line of lights strung out across the sky on the approach; behind us I could see the tip of the horizontal stabiliser and the nav lights of an a/c that had been tailing us for yonks.

Choices! Choices! Look down! See the streets; you may never pass this way again!

Look up! Search the heavens for planes, guess the destination and wonder if you should tell the captain that there are planes heading straight for us!

Look out the other door! Take it all in, process, store and embed, try not to forget………..you may never pass this way again.

I was, as so often happens, reminded of Ozymandias:

“Gaze upon my works ye mighty, and despair”.

Some days I think I should just start the day with a handful of Ritalin and get a proper job……..

My 2 hourly routine took over again and there is very little to see from this point, not helped by thick cloud coming in but there was one place, who knows where, they were having a laser light show and it lit up the clouds from beneath, swirls and whirls of brightness…marvellous, maybe down there, in the realm of men, people were going “ooh, aaah, awesome” while clutching corn dogs, hamburgers and root beer, clad in thick plaid jackets with sheepskin collars and “Breakers” on their hats, ear flaps dangling like spaniel’s ears, having the time of their lives.

Or maybe a rock band was just finishing its encore, thoughts of booze, drugs and groupies already uppermost in their minds as the roadies got ready to wind up 50 miles of coaxial cable and drive across the state line to the next gig.

But even musings of such great importance couldn’t keep me awake, I slept until the call to arms, the announcement that breakfast was ready, the Emerald Isle was on the port bow and Great Britain was about to feature in my life again.

Invigorated by the harsh light from outside I attacked my breakfast with gusto, gazed out at the unbroken blanket of cloud and started to feel slightly disturbed about the prospect of seeing the UK again after 3 and a half years.

Would I like it? Was it as bad as I remembered? Did my friends still like me? Would my mother clasp me to her bosom and weep on my shoulder?

I was looking forward to spending a few days with The Muse.

Some people are mildly scandalised by my relationship with The Muse but its all in their heads…truth is, if you meet and know as many people as I do, you will meet at least one person, who, for reasons you never look too deeply into, becomes a friend for life and regardless of age, culture, gender or ability, fills the little gaps in your heart that others have to fill with puppies or kittens.

My dearest wish for the muse is that one day some intelligent, articulate and wise soul will realise that in today’s mêlée of mixed-race, Vodka-swilling “Bearches” (with identikit features and pop-poster looks), there is a great deal to be said for pint-drinking strawberry blondes with a tenuous hold on reality and a genuine lo-maintenance psyche.



The Muse, mad, bad and dangerous to know

He will whisk her off to the shires, away from the sordid world of Lloyds brokers and 3-day liquid lunches, to settle down and inflict her own particular brand of insanity on him and keep him amused and bemused happily ever after.

I needed to see Scary Neil, to meet his new antipodean girlf and assess how well he had recovered from his unfortunate relationship with Miss Chloe-Rose, high maintenance, destructive and oh so very pale.

But we had to get there first, Joella would be meeting me at the gate, tall, a first-class shopper, gregarious yet intensely private and blessed with the ability to make smoking ciggies seem as glamorous as it was in the 1940’s.



Joella, elegantly wasted.

Yes, the Tangata I would enjoy seeing again, the Whenua is and always will be part of me but the govt, the weather and the crushing miasma of overpopulation…how would I cope?

After time with friends and Whanau would come 3 days of Training Workshop in Edinburgh with the Thin White Duke, followed by 5 days in the presence and (as it turned out) company of those who were born to their Dukedom, people of such nobility and power that even Jafa39 dare not debase their names…..

Our descent took us eastwards, the clouds started to break up and we circled a while, awaiting our place in the queue, NBW seemed out of place, white, jade and Kiwi, patiently circling above the English countryside. I was impatient now, like a WW1 soldier, waiting for the whistle to blow, maybe death, maybe glory but either is preferable to the wait.

We straightened up, aligned ourselves with the invisible runway, several miles distant and commenced the descent in earnest.

The first building I saw with any clarity, as we dropped below the clouds, was Windsor Castle……of all the buildings in the shires…Windsor Castle!!! There was a crowd of people in the car park, I waved, “Hellooooo Boss” I shouted. The olds behind me looked askance, “That’s where my boss lives” the explanation was greeted with as much belief as if I’d said “I have Dolphins on my lawn and they tell me secrets” but hey ho, who cares anyway.

Transfixed at the damp landscape, oddly uncomfortable, emotions tangled and confused I both accepted and rejected my position, as one, who on dying, is drifting up the corridor to the other side and at any moment will discover whether there are two doors, one marked “Heaven” the other “Hell”, for you can kid yourself for a lifetime but one day, you, me, the dog, whoever, we will know the truth in the end.

A congested motorway….Hell, a peaceful park…Heaven….a runway….Truth….now we face the truth.

A gentle bump, a colossal roar of reverse thrust and silence, just the idle whine as we bumped across the concrete, hung a left in front of a Virgin 747 and pulled in beside an AA 777.



Rain, wind, dimness…..yes, we are here, LHR is just as I left it and now it is time to get on with life.

Struggling down the aisle with my suit and my laptop I paused to say “Byee” with FA’s, entered the airbridge and out into the sprawling mass of LHR.

I felt caught between two parallel universes and struggled to find the context, a comfort zone and something to either love or loathe and as I passed through the formalities and out into arrivals I spotted Joella, her warm smile lit up the grey anonymity of LHR.

“Mornin’ Guvner”

We hugged, I grinned and was led away, dazed and confused but in good hands.

You can tell a true friend, you don’t see them for years and when you do its like you were never away.

Jafa

Pt 2 coming soon NWI-EDI-LHR Nodding, smiling and a first class blag.
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
ZKSUJ
Posts: 6808
Joined: Tue May 18, 2004 5:15 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Thu Nov 16, 2006 6:39 pm

Great report Jafa. Really enjoy your writing style.
 
LH526
Crew
Posts: 1960
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2000 2:23 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Thu Nov 16, 2006 8:40 pm

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
Choices! Choices! Look down! See the streets; you may never pass this way again!

You catch it! THAT's the spirit, Excellent report!

Mario
LH526
Trittst im Morgenrot daher, seh ich dich im Strahlenmeer ...
 
noelg
Posts: 2313
Joined: Fri Apr 26, 2002 11:39 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Thu Nov 16, 2006 8:55 pm

Finally - I've been waiting for this series Mr Jafa!  biggrin 

Great trip report - loved your description of SW, but I can't believe there's no food pictures though, I feel cheated Sad

Looking forward to your next one!

Noel
 
buck3y3nut
Posts: 824
Joined: Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:38 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 2:14 am

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
Someone discovered the sign to the toilets and there was a brief flurry of activity as bladders were emptied, noses blown and discrete farting undertaken.

:D

Excellent report. Something very different and fun to read  Smile Will be reading the next report as well.
 
767747
Posts: 2126
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 10:08 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 3:06 am

Great report! Looking forward to Pt 2.

767747
I love to fly!
 
BWI757
Posts: 380
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:58 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 5:32 am

Ah, another great glorious and hilarious Jafa39 Report®!

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
stayed glued to the window and eventually we passed over an Island, the name escapes me but to the east was LA and there was rather a lot going on in the harbour and the seas betwixt island and continent.

Catalina Island

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
American West A319 and I wondered if HAL

HAL went back to drive for Hawaiian several months ago.

BWI757
I live in the US but my heart is in Jerusalem!
 
LH459
Posts: 793
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2005 2:41 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 6:31 am

Jafa, you have outdone yourself!
Though that pile-ointment comment begs the question, how on Earth do you know what the stuff tastes like??  Wink
Seriously, this was yet another thoroughly enjoyable report. I always enjoy your style, and your outlook, and I sincerely hope that if your travels ever take you to San Francisco you will let me know so I can buy you a pint!
"I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is temporary; the evil it does is permanent" - Ghandi
 
FlyKev
Crew
Posts: 1295
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:34 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 7:27 am

What a great trip report. I liked the humour too.

kev.
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only
 
User avatar
Zkpilot
Posts: 3698
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 8:21 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 7:48 am

OMG! This has got to be the most honest, take no prisoners TR I have read and I loved every minute of it and laughed my way thru!  rotfl 
Excellent mate! I'm lost for words but you most certainly aren't! Keep it up!
Welcome to my RU list!
 biggrin 
56 types. 38 countries. 24 airlines.
 
ScarletHarlot
Posts: 4251
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 12:15 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 1:07 pm

Quoting Zkpilot (Reply 9):
OMG! This has got to be the most honest, take no prisoners TR I have read and I loved every minute of it and laughed my way thru!
Excellent mate! I'm lost for words but you most certainly aren't! Keep it up!
Welcome to my RU list!

Welcome to the Jafa fan club...I think I am President, CastleIsland is VP, NoelG is Secretary and we don't need no stinkin' treasurer 'cause we ain't got no cash.  Smile

Andy, nobody writes TRs like you. I've missed you on A.net lately but this was well worth the wait!! Looking forward to part 2.

Hey, are one of those girlies the one we wanted to set up with Sir Stevie?
But that was when I ruled the world
 
jafa39
Posts: 4320
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:14 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 2:06 pm

Quoting ScarletHarlot (Reply 10):
Hey, are one of those girlies the one we wanted to set up with Sir Stevie?

That would be The Muse my dear....still available for those prepared to pay the price  Wink

Good to see you again, been busy as a beaver.

Pt 2 is partly finished, be done in a day or two XX

Quoting LH459 (Reply 7):
Though that pile-ointment comment begs the question, how on Earth do you know what the stuff tastes like??

Long story dude but take it from me...NEVER clean your teeth drunk in an unfamiliar house!!

Quoting LH459 (Reply 7):
let me know so I can buy you a pint!

So long as it isn't a pint of pile ointment we have a deal  Wink
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
777ER
Crew
Posts: 9855
Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2003 5:04 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 4:25 pm

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
Down below was what I assumed to be Venice Beach; I may be wrong but behind the beach was a residential area with no roads, just canals and boats, so it’s good enough for me.

That sounds like Venice Beach with some Canals as far as the eyes could see
Head Forum Moderator
moderators@airliners.net
 
User avatar
alaskaqantas
Posts: 856
Joined: Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:12 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 4:38 pm

nice report mate!
Laughed the whole way through... I haven't flown Air NZ international for a while, mayb e my next trip to NZ (just got back this week) will include NZ international.
~Cheers-
~~Kyle H.
to some people the sky is the limit, to aviation enthusiasts, its home!
 
Hardkor
Posts: 227
Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2001 1:51 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 5:27 pm

Solid report, you're leading the way with your writing style! Look forward to the next one,
Hardkor
 
ba319-131
Posts: 8133
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 1:27 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Nov 17, 2006 9:47 pm

Great report!

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
If you expect it to be horrible, it may well turn out to be tolerable.

- I like that view,pretty true.

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
didn’t feel too violated but couldn’t understand why my empty water bottle was confiscated

- It is just amazing don't you think?

Quoting Jafa39 (Thread starter):
hate having to stand my laptop case in puddles of piss and there was no hanger for my suit bag so I had to improvise with a health and safety notice and a large dose of optimism.

- So funny!!

Look forward to tart 2.

Rgds

Mark
111,732,3,4,5,7,8,BBJ,741,742,743,744,752,762,763,764,772,77L,773,77W,L15,D10,30,40,AB3,AB6,A312.313,319,320,321,332,333
 
Indio66
Posts: 403
Joined: Sat Mar 06, 2004 10:22 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sat Nov 18, 2006 2:13 am

Easily the best TR I have ever read!!

(the island is Catalina).
 
CastleIsland
Posts: 3212
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 1:40 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sat Nov 18, 2006 6:28 am

Quoting ScarletHarlot (Reply 10):
Welcome to the Jafa fan club...I think I am President, CastleIsland is VP, NoelG is Secretary and we don't need no stinkin' treasurer 'cause we ain't got no cash.

Spot on. Smashing job as ever, you cheeky bugger. Now, a bit about the piss-up as a lead-in to part 2, eh?
"People don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent." - Dylan
 
jafa39
Posts: 4320
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:14 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sat Nov 18, 2006 7:04 am

Quoting CastleIsland (Reply 17):
Now, a bit about the piss-up as a lead-in to part 2, eh?

Funny you should say that............part 2 out soon!
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
kiwiandrew

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sat Nov 18, 2006 7:06 am

good man - am eagerly awaiting part 2 . then again ,I shouldn't be too pushy , I still haven't done my most recent trip report which is about two months overdue .
 
NZ747
Posts: 849
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:01 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sat Nov 18, 2006 8:19 am

Excellent! Big grin
Again another very well written trip report. Your TR's are like no other on this website. If there was a king of trip reports, I'd vote you!
Looking forward to part 2.

Cheers,
NZ747
 
JAFA
Posts: 740
Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2003 1:31 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sat Nov 18, 2006 8:55 am

I can appreciate the effort to write such an extensive trip report, but IMHO it was a bit over the top for my tastes.
 
ScarletHarlot
Posts: 4251
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 12:15 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sun Nov 19, 2006 3:32 am

Quoting JAFA (Reply 21):
it was a bit over the top for my tastes.

And that is why we love Jafa39. You see, the numbers on the end of his name are his OTT Quotient (tm). Obviously you, sir, have an OTT Quotient of zero since you have no numbers after your name. But Andy has an OTTQ of 39 (on a scale of 0-40). So it is no wonder it was not to your liking.
But that was when I ruled the world
 
BMIFlyer
Posts: 8065
Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 7:11 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Mon Nov 20, 2006 12:43 am

Great report man, can't wait to fly NZ one day  Smile


Cheers,


Lee
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
 
QANTASforever
Posts: 5794
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2001 6:03 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Mon Nov 20, 2006 5:46 pm

Jafa - what can I say??

Nobody can assasinate characters better than you, my friend.

I hope your sojurn to the Misery Isles was enjoyable.

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
united905
Posts: 157
Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2005 12:38 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Mon Nov 20, 2006 10:13 pm

Great report.Made me laugh in so many places.Long haul at its very best.
thank you for flying united
 
NZ560
Posts: 161
Joined: Wed May 17, 2006 3:46 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Tue Nov 21, 2006 3:49 pm

And finally part 2 is out. http://www1.airliners.net/discussions/trip_reports/read.main/89622/

These TR's must take a long time to write. May I ask if you have a life outside of A.Net??  cheeky   cheeky 
 bigthumbsup  to you jafa39. You are the man.  praise 
-OJL RIP Also to the 7 onboard
 
jafa39
Posts: 4320
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:14 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Tue Nov 21, 2006 4:08 pm

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 24):
I hope your sojurn to the Misery Isles was enjoyable.

Let's just say I was soooo glad to get back, as you will find out in pt3.

Quoting NZ560 (Reply 26):
May I ask if you have a life outside of A.Net??

Only what is in the TR's mate!! I occaisionally do some work but that just entails flying to places and talking to people (tough life but someone has to do it) Just back from an AKL-WLG-AKL overnighter, I have flown 38 legs this year so far, mostly domestic.

.....and I go fishing as often as possible too.

A big TR like this takes about 2-3 hours to write and is usually written in one hit when the mood is right and Mrs Jafa has a CSI marathon to watch or is out with her Ho's.

Pt 3 should be up at the weekend as I have meetings all this week.
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
JAFA
Posts: 740
Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2003 1:31 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Wed Nov 22, 2006 5:13 am

Quoting ScarletHarlot (Reply 22):
Quoting JAFA (Reply 21):
it was a bit over the top for my tastes.

And that is why we love Jafa39. You see, the numbers on the end of his name are his OTT Quotient (tm). Obviously you, sir, have an OTT Quotient of zero since you have no numbers after your name. But Andy has an OTTQ of 39 (on a scale of 0-40). So it is no wonder it was not to your liking.

Good one. LOL! An acceptable explanation.

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 24):
Jafa - what can I say??

Nobody can assasinate characters better than you, my friend.

I hope your sojurn to the Misery Isles was enjoyable.

QFF

Geez, all I said wasn't to my tastes! I didn't say it was bad. Besides what one little review that says "its wasn't to my tastes, IMHO".

Whats the airport code for "Misery Isles"? I have never been there!
 
QANTASforever
Posts: 5794
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2001 6:03 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Wed Nov 22, 2006 7:00 am

Quoting JAFA (Reply 28):
Geez, all I said wasn't to my tastes! I didn't say it was bad.

There is, and forever will be only one Jafa - our friend Jafa39. If I convert to upper case, then my comments are directed at you.

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
jafa39
Posts: 4320
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:14 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Wed Nov 22, 2006 1:20 pm

Quoting JAFA (Reply 28):
Whats the airport code for "Misery Isles"?

LHR..LGW...NWI...to name but a few!  Wink
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
JAFA
Posts: 740
Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2003 1:31 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:46 am

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 29):
There is, and forever will be only one Jafa - our friend Jafa39. If I convert to upper case, then my comments are directed at you.

Perhaps you can find the time to tap those two extra keys " 3 and 9" and eliminate any further misunderstanding. Sarcasm intended!!
 
QANTASforever
Posts: 5794
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2001 6:03 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Wed Nov 29, 2006 5:39 pm

Quoting JAFA (Reply 28):
Whats the airport code for "Misery Isles"? I have never been there!

Lucky you.

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
ceo@afg
Posts: 178
Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2001 2:32 am

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Thu Nov 30, 2006 2:50 am

Thank you for sharing your trip with us, one of the most funny trip reports I've yet to read, I actually feel it should be sent to Airways magazine's coach flyer section, as it would do a lot better then the boring stuff you normally read in that section of the magazine.

I found myself comparing your report to a RTW trip done by Jeremy Clarckson on "Inventions that changed the world" when he looked at the jet engine.

Go here to see for yourself (6-8 parts):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOTfx0WVL_Y
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue." Steven McCroskey, Airplane!
 
AJ
Posts: 2295
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 1999 3:54 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Fri Dec 08, 2006 11:26 pm

Amazing good humour kept throughout! Nicely done.

I, on the other hand, have yet to open up to the shrink about the appaling experience that was NZ2 AKL-LHR in BusinessPremier......let alone internet forums. Fortunately the memories were lightened by the even worse experience of NZ1 two weeks later.

Disappointing that a country I love produced such a shocker!
 
jafa39
Posts: 4320
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:14 pm

RE: Around The World On ZK-NBW Pt 1 Trans Pacific

Sat Dec 09, 2006 5:01 am

Quoting AJ (Reply 34):
Disappointing that a country I love produced such a shocker!

Hey man, you can share here...we feel your pain! I would be most interested to hear about it, I choose NZ over any other airline as I have had such good experiences.

Admittedly flying NZ1 or 2 is an ordeal but that is due to the distances and the TSA involved.

What went wrong?
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google Feedfetcher, MattSYD and 27 guests