I thought I should post this here, and get advice and thoughts on this rather than telling anyone at school or my family. I know that all of you (most of you) are understanding.
Ok, about a year and a half ago, I had some "inklings" that I was attracted to guys. I never gave it too much thought. Being in 8th grade, I just thought it was a phase (puberty..etc) Then I started looking at guys differently, thinking about them, and just wondering what it would be like to be "close" to a male person. Anyway, about 5 months passed, and I went to Greece to visit family. I met a girl, there, and went out with her. I told everyone I loved her and cared for her, but deep down I knew that I never felt this for her. As I look back on it, and it was as if I was trying to trick myself that I wasn't gay. Then high school started, and I fully realized I was attracted to guys, it was as if it just hit me. I came home and just sat and cried in my room because I knew I would be different. And if anyone found out or thought that I was gay, I knew they would torment me with no mercy. Someone on the internet told me about a magazine geared for gay young teenagers, I bought it the very next day. Every article about feeling different, or knowing you are gay but not admitting it to yourself I related to. Finally, I felt that I could admit to myself that I was gay, and I did just that. That was about a month or so ago. And now after understanding fully who I am, I have realized that I will have to explain who I am to many many people. People who will just not understand. Even my family in Greece will not understand, and most importantly to me at this point in my life, my friends won't understand. I sometimes ask them what they think of gay people, and they nearly burst out laughing, or say eww they are gross. But what I think is that they are ignorant, and have no idea what I will eventually go through and what many of you have gone through.
When I was in Greece this past summer, we went out to dinner with a very good friend of ours who happens to be gay. Everyone looked at him, made stupid remarks about him, and even moved when they saw him coming. I cannot believe people would do this..it is disgusting.
I kept thinking for a long time, why me, why did I have to be this way. Surely, I won't have the easiest life, being gay in such a heterosexual geared society must be hard. But then I thought maybe I am this way because only the emotionally and mentally strong people are chosen to live this life.
For those of you who will say this is a learned "behavior" or that gays are just people who want attention...I say you are full of B/S. THIS IS NOT A learned behavior. I didn't want to be gay, nor did I learn to be gay, I developed into who I am, throughout my life. I have accepted this, and I am ready to go into this kind of life. People at my school sometimes call me gay or fag, or whatever, but if they had any idea how much it hurt from my point of view, they would stop in an instant. Do you think that I want to live like this? Being looked at, being labeled as "fag", or just scoffed at and regarded as strange. No I don't! But this is who I am, and I cannot change it, nor do I want to change it. If I was "destined" to be gay, there must be a reason why. I don't know what that reason is, but there must be.
Now, I have come to the decision to tell my friend Melissa, she is the ONLY one, that I KNOW will not tell anyone nor laugh or regard me as "different." She will listen, and be understanding of who I am. What I don't understand, is how people just shut out a person upon hearing that they are gay! Don't they understand that they are the same person, same views, same everything, they are just gay. People should shut their mouths, and listen to what we have to say, because I am sure they could learn a hell of a lot.
Well. this is who I am...This is me...