Here's Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's. Imagine Jackie
Mason's voice as you read ..............
You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But
at Starbucks, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier:
$4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word,
another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee
make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the
cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty-
million people are walking around in coffee shops with
jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's
still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's
called "coffee."
You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in
a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you
want. Do they ask you for more money because it's
cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your
coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's
it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's
Cinnamonnier - $9.50.
You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll
give you all the refills you want until you drop dead.
You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here,
you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do
you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A
refill is a dollar fifty. two refills, $4.50. Three
refills, $19.50 So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00.
And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks,
let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a
coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom
of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot.
But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a
blend. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The
bean is in your head.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead,
they have these high stools. You ever see these stools?
You haven't been on a chair that high since you were
two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and
climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they
get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because
there's 12 people around one little table, and
everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old
Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off
this thing?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor
neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a
cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service.
And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias
didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave
coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you
paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid
less. It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no
service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in
Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the
time they give you nothing, it's worth four times much.
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in
Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You
can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole
cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have
to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50.
And you can't put butter on it because they want extra.
Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for
cream cheese in Starbucks?
Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on,
32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel
costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or
the cream cheese. They don't actually give it to you.
They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's
over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is
here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around
with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter?
The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream
cheese is there."
You walked around for an hour and a half selecting
items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass
in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on
tables for an hour, and you owe him money? Then there's
a sign that says please clean it up when you're
finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now
you've become the janitor. Now you have to start
cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around
cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait,
I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour
and a half.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business.
I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new
type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50,
$3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no
tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean
it up for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you
say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I
ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the
world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
Starbucks can only get away with it because they have
French titles for everything, those s.o.b. s.
And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't
like to talk about people."
