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### Starbucks

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2002 12:41 pm
As someone who doesn't drink coffee, and can't understand the fascination with Starbucks, I found this hysterical.

Here's Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's. Imagine Jackie
Mason's voice as you read ..............

You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But
at Starbucks, if it's Cafe Latte: \$3.50. Cafe Creamier:
\$4.50. Caffe Suisse: \$9.50. For each French word,
another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee
make it worth \$3.50?

Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the
cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty-
million people are walking around in coffee shops with
jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's
still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's
called "coffee."

a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you
want. Do they ask you for more money because it's
cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your
coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's
it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's
Cinnamonnier - \$9.50.

You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll
give you all the refills you want until you drop dead.
You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here,
you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do
you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A
refill is a dollar fifty. two refills, \$4.50. Three
refills, \$19.50 So, for four cups of coffee - \$35.00.

And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks,
let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a
coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom
of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot.
But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a
blend. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The

And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead,
they have these high stools. You ever see these stools?
You haven't been on a chair that high since you were
two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and
climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they
get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because
there's 12 people around one little table, and
everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old
Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off
this thing?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor
neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a
cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service.
And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias
didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave
coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you
paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid
less. It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no
service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in
Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the
time they give you nothing, it's worth four times much.

Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in
can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole
cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have
to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's \$9.50.
And you can't put butter on it because they want extra.
Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for
cream cheese in Starbucks?

Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on,
32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel
costs you \$312. And they don't give you the butter or
the cream cheese. They don't actually give it to you.
They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's
over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is
here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around
with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter?
The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream
cheese is there."

You walked around for an hour and a half selecting
items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass
in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on
tables for an hour, and you owe him money? Then there's
a sign that says please clean it up when you're
finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now
you've become the janitor. Now you have to start
cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around
cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait,
I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour
and a half.

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business.
I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new
type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge \$2.50,
\$3.50, \$4.50, and \$5.50. Not only that, I'll have no
tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean
it up for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you
say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I
ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the
world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.

Starbucks can only get away with it because they have
French titles for everything, those s.o.b. s.
And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2002 12:44 pm
LOL.... granted I am a big Starbucks person, and granted it IS a huge exaggeration, and granted they DO have chairs at Starbucks, and granted the coffee ISN'T burnt, it is a bitter blend (you want burnt? go to Tully's)... its still funny.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2002 2:02 pm
who is this Jackie Mason???? isn't he/she a bit subjective???

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2002 2:09 pm
He is a comedian, it is a joke.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2002 5:32 pm
Though it is exxagerated, I see where he's coming from. I don't drink coffee, so whenever I forced to go to a starbucks for something I usually get hot chocolate, and it costs me like \$3.00. And how their sizes aren't small, medium, large. They're in Italian or something.

I always laugh when I see the tip jar. Give me a break LOL

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2002 4:20 am
Customer: "I would like a small cappucinno."

Clerk:"I am sorry, we do not have small."

Customer:"Just get me the smallest size you have."

Clerk: "We do not have small, but we have tall. I think that is what you want."

Customer: "Yes, I would like a tall cappucinno"

Clerk:"Okay, how do you want it made?"

Customer:"Just the normal way."

Clerk:"And how would that be? Anyhow, the total is \$20.00"

Customer: "\$20.00!! I can go over next door and get the same thing for \$2.00!!"

Typical first time customer outbreak at Starbucks.

I am not a coffee drinker, but my dad goes there every morning for his daily cup for breakfast. They do however have good pastries and such.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2002 6:59 am
I HATE STARBUCKS!!!!! The only reason I ever go there is to get steamed milk at 11:30 at night. No place else is open that late that has steamers and it still costs me \$3.75! On NW 23rd, the fasionable area of Portland, there are 3 Starbucks in 10 blocks and within 10 blocks of Pioneer Courthouse Square, there are 12 Starbucks. Give me Tullys, SBC, or Coffee People ANY DAY!!!!

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2002 9:10 pm
Starbucks is one of my favourite places here in Hong Kong,although I can't find as many as in London and Canada.
The staff is very polite and nice.They'll help whenever you need and they can introduce the taste that you like most.It's also the place that you'll never rush to leave,no one will stare at you even though you've been sitting there for the whole afternoon.so relaxing...
More importantly,you'll be attracted by the woderful smell of coffee when you're approaching it.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2002 12:25 am
I always shake my head at work, when somoene has a coffee place right there next to them, but they'll rush off to Starbucks to pay some exorbinent amount of money for some fancily-names coffee. Sorry, but while I find that funny, I also find it kind of ridiculous.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2002 12:37 am
Funny post! haha.. got to be one of the funniest ones I've read in a while. Yeah, what's with the exorbitant prices at Starbucks? But coffee culture is now deeply engrained in Singaporean culture, and Starbucks can be found at every bend and corner, even in the suburbs.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2002 2:31 am
That's why here in Denver I go to Paris on the Platte. They have the best coffee in town, atmosphere is great, music is great, people are nice and a pitcher of house coffee is only 3.78.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2002 4:01 am
As a native of the southeast U.S., you can safely assume I was brought up on the .60 cups of coffee. However, my first Starbucks experience was, of all places, in Kuwait City! Still have a pic of me sitting with a couple of the locals. Pretty funny.

### RE: Starbucks

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2002 5:27 am
LOL Seb146-- I can't even begin to count the number of Starbucks in Belltown/Downtown Seattle. I know that quite a few are right across the street from each other. I gotta laugh when I am ordering my latte in one SBUX and I can see the baristas across the street in another.