This post is very long, and very personal. Please do not respond if you are not willing to take 15 or so minutes to read it all the way through.
A question that is frequently asked of me is "Matt...why are you so cold and self centered?"
Well, let me take a few minutes to explain.
I have been carrying a lot of demons inside of me for many years that I don't even really know where to start in terms of changing. I'm pretty sure I know how it came about. It wasn't a single life changing event, but rather, the sum of many things happening (and just as importantly, NOT happening) over the years.
For starters, I am a single child. I have no brothers and no sisters. My parents divorced when I was about 3 under circumstances that remain hidden from me to this day. Neither of my parents will tell me nor will any of the family.
So whatever it was, it was
My mother then proceeded to raise me pretty much on her own until I was about 14, when in the summer of 1988 I went to go live with my dad.
Now during those 11 or so years, I did see my father on a regular basis, mainly on weekends. Problem is, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, he was a horrible parent.
He wasn't horrible in the sense that he beat or neglected me. To his credit, he paid my mom child support all those years, always had his house, and always fed me and occasionally bought me things.
He was horrible because he was an alcoholic. I still have so many vivid memories of being basically marooned on the weekends at my dads house doing little more than listening to music, running my Lionel train set, or watching TV
and watching him get more and more intoxicated with his beer. We would occasionally go to family parties or gatherings. On more than one occasion, my dad was 86'd by his own brothers and sisters for getting too drunk and belligerent. I can still recall one instance where he was kicked out, and I spent the night at my aunt's house and a family friend took me back to his house the next morning and the whole night I heard everyone talking nothing but smack about him, and what a creep he was.
He didn't have a word to say. He basically just took me back to my moms house.
As a result of my dad being an at-home drunk, he never, not once ever did anything "fatherly" with me: he never took me to the park to learn how to play catch. He never showed me how to fix a car or make some kind of project from scratch. Although, he did take me to the Ontario Airport Airshow in Sept '83, which is the one event that sparked my interest in aviation. And once in a blue moon, he did take me out to LAX
to watch the planes on the roof of the Theme Building.
Now while all of this was going on, my parents fought like the Hatfields and McCoys. They never really told me what their fights were all about. But I wasn't stupid. I knew that someway, somehow I was in the middle of it all. At least, for the most part, they did try and keep me sheltered from it all. However, he once had a girlfriend serve my mom court papers (with me present).
Which leads me to my next issue.
From about 1984-1987, he was deeply involved with this one woman. They got pretty serious and were discussing marriage. (my dad finally sobered up and became a Christian in fall of 1986)
But I got screwed there too. You see, my dad did whatever Marie wanted. We ate what she wanted. Watched whatever movies she wanted. Did whatever activities she wanted.
I really, REALLY resented it.
Even after I moved in with my dad, him and I never really did get along very well. It wasn't after I was within a heartbeat from being killed in a car crash on October 23, 1997 that he finally came to me to forgive him for being the horrible father that he was.
We've gotten along great as adults ever since.
With all of that in mind, let me explain how all of that still haunts me to this very day.
Since my dad was a shut in, and my mom worked full time (and had, at the time a very active social life), and with no siblings, I spent almost my entire time-away-from-school doing little more than sitting at home doing nothing. If there was anything that I wanted to do, I pretty much did it myself.
Since I never had much interaction with other people, I was basically a teenage hermit. I had almost no friends because I had no social skills. And since I had no social skills-or sports ability ( would not address the latter issue until the end of my 11th grade year-and joined the swim team-and actually got really good at it), I was constantly being harassed at school. I still remember the day when I was in 7th grade wood shop, and I was leaning over to check on my project, one kid walked up behind me and poured the entire contents of a bottle of ink down my butt crack.
Name calling. Ridicule. Getting jumped for my $2 in lunch money. the tires let out of my bike. Someone pouring milk over my lunch. You name it. I endured it.
And I didn't know how to defend myself because no one ever showed me. And I had no one to turn to for help. It tore me up inside day in and day out. Week in week out. Year after year. I dreaded going to school, or even out of the house.
Then one day, two things happened:
1. I passed the 6' height mark and 2. I had had enough.
One day, in 1988, when I was in 10th grade someone made an offhand comment about the "Body Glove" shirt I was wearing that day.
Without saying a word, I walked over to him, kicked the back of his ankle, and he fell to the ground. As soon as he did, I stepped on his face, and grabbed his leg, and with as much strength as I could muster, stepped in his kneecap as hard as I could, effectively snapping his leg in half.
From that day forward, no one has ever picked a fight with me.
But the damage was done. I refused to let anyone push me around.
You know how they says ones personality is usually set by the time they are a teenager?
Well I never did acquire any people or social skills. From the time of my birth until I got my drivers license (7/10/90), I never spent nights at friends houses, went on overnight trips, went to parties or dances, or camp, or whatever.
I did not attend my first school extra curricular event (Homecoming game/dance) until November 1989, my 11th grade year. And that was because one of the very few friends I had (whom I still love like a sister and today lives in New York) set me up with a girl who, for whatever reason, took interest to me. And I took her. Of course, we didn't last long as a couple, as few teenage couples last more than a couple of months anyway
All I had known was solitude and ridicule. And while ridicule is something I no longer deal with, being solitary and not taking any grief from others are things I still struggle with to this day. I never got any help from anyone. Everything I did, I did myself and my way. I never had to worry about sharing anything with anyone or "taking turns".
Those words meant nothing to me.
So with all of that in mind, let's move on to the next issue.
The fact that I was a teenage geek with no social skills did nothing to supress my interest in girls, and later women.
This still haunts me to this day.
Many people who don't know me think I'm either gay, asexual, or a mysoginist, or all of the above.
The reality is that I am frustrated because as much as I love women, I still-to this very day-carry that phobia of being rejected and shot down solely on the basis of knowing that I am awkward and lacking in conversational skills in any kind of social setting, particularly when meeting someone of the opposite gender. It's the worst case of sour grapes you can imagine. Nothing would make me happier than to have some fine lady come up to MEA
Middle East Airlines (Lebanon)">ME and strike up a conversation. A few actually have. And the ones where I made it all the way to the bedroom with, almost all were either looking for the first guy who wasn't a prick they could find, I was drunk, or both.
So it's easy to seem bitter when discussing them, or looking for any chance to settle a score, so to speak. Remember that classic thread I had a couple years back involving the stuffed animal?
It wasn't that I was being obnoxious simply for the sake of being obnoxious.
I saw it as an opportunity to make some innocent woman feel how I've felt my whole life: rejected and unwanted. I know it was a mean, rotten, and cruel thing to do, and in looking back, I'm now ashamed I did it. Her only crime was crossing paths with me when I was in a bad mood.
And now I have a situation:
I have a woman living with me. And while I love her, I'm not sure she's what I would want in a wife, even though I know she'd make a fine one. She's never been anything but loyal, honest, and nurturing to me. And many times I've treated her like a heel because she's not (physically) who I would want to be my mate.
So here it is. She's not what I really want. And she is, in many ways, too good for me. I frequently have a hard time accepting what she has to offer. Too often I brush her aside, or just take off and do my own thing. Now, less than two weeks from my 31st birthday, I still feel compelled to have to do things my way, when I want, and how I want. You have any idea how many times she's called me on my cell phone wanting to know where I went? Well since I'm an early riser, my day is in full swing by 7AM. So if I have somewhere I want to go, I'll go with or without her.
Which leads me to my next issue.
One thing that really irks me more than anything is people who aren;t punctual. To me, 7 o'clock means just that: 7 o'clock. Not 7:05 or 7:30. Since I've never
had to wait for anyone before, I'm not about to start now. This is also why I always get so unglued over something as seemingly trivial as Burger King putting pickles on my burger when I asked them not to.
It's not the pickles that piss me off. It's the fact that it wasn't done "my" way (no reference meant to their slogan). To me, not giving what I ask for is tantamount to disrespect bordering on being challenged to a fight. Remember, I've always HAD things my way, and had to fend for myself, so when it doesn't come back the way I want, I feel that the person is somehow pushing me around, or worse, simply being rude.
Moving on, I always catch a lot of heat over the vicious tirades I post involving illegal aliens and single mothers.
Without going into too much detail (since I've already done it a thousand times), my issue with illegals is that they are demanding entitlements they don't deserve because they broke the law.
I never broke any laws and still had to work for everything I own.
Now let's take a closer look at single mothers.
You might think I'm being hypocritical for bashing them when I myself was raise by one. Perhaps that's true, but hear me out.
Remember what I said about my frustration about women in general? When I see a single mother enters my field of view, it immediately tells me beyond any shadow of a doubt that there IS
a guy in her life that's gotten "some" at least once.
Second, when I look back and remember how much my mother struggled to keep me fed, clothed, and sheltered, in infuriates me that so many of todays women
intentionally get themselves into that situation because they know that either a guy and/or the government will support them.
There is no responsibility anymore.
Third, I know firsthand the damage that can be done to a kid when there's only a part time-or worse-no father around.
I don't wish this on anyone.
And finally, my lifelong wish has been to meet a woman whom I can fall in love with, who would fall in love with me and we would get married and start a family.
while I love my current girlfriend, I would be hard pressed to say that I am
IN love with her, if that makes sense.
To me, getting involved with a woman who has one or more kids means that 1) there will be a kid that's not mine around, who to her, will always come first, and 2) there's a guy in the background somewhere who will, by default I will have to in some ways share my wife with.
My own selfishness and desire to start with a clean slate and not have any of that baggage is what prevents me from even considering dating a single mom, despite numerous offers and "set up" attempts.
I rejected every last one of them before even getting to know them, or even go on a first date.
Many people-especially family members are constantly asking me when I;m going to get married and have children.
"I don't know when or if that'll ever happen" is my reply.
I've been told that having a kid of my own will make me open my eyes and lose a lot of the self-centeredness that I have.
That's probably true. But I don't know if I'm ready to take that step.
And even if I did, who with?
I know I could marry Jen, and she would bear my children today if I asked her to.
But like I said, she's not 100% "my type".
So here's my quandary: I could get my wish for love and family fulfilled today if I wanted to, but it would be poisoned with the knowledge that I "settled" for a woman and didn't get what I really wanted.
Or I could keep looking. But with my age, and my personality, finding that one woman who is childless-and would reciprocate the same feelings towards me will only get harder and harder-if it could be done at all.
Although I have forgiven my parents for robbing me of a normal childhood, which in many ways, robbed me of a normal adult life, I am still somewhat bitter about it. I know nothing can give me those years back. And I know that now, I am so set in my ways and views, that I don't think I can change anything even if I tried.
I've thought about seeking professional counseling to address these issues. But I'm not sure what good it could do. Perhaps using hypno-therapy to actually erase those memories from my wking conciousness might be the way to go, but then I;d basically be back to square one personality wise. And there would be an awful lot of gaps in my memory record that would have to be accounted for.
And finally, I'm not trying to use my childhood as a crutch to explain my hard headed personality today per se, it's awfully hard to build a roof when there are no walls.
In other words, so many things all happened at the right time, in the right order that molded me into what I am today:
A hard working, responsible but insenstitve hardheaded person who struggles with basic human emotion and interaction with others and has a hard time seeing any other point of view besides my own, who demands nothing less than what he wants, since that's all I've ever known.
Thank you for reading this.