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Joined: Wed May 12, 2004 5:20 pm

Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Mon Feb 21, 2005 3:09 pm

Got a funny e-mail from a bussy in Qantas about their gripe sheet:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight . . .

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions
recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major
airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S:Took hammer away from midget
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RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Mon Feb 21, 2005 3:27 pm

Haha, some of those are pretty funny and witty.
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RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:14 am

I've seen this countless times... Always gets me laughing though.
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Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2004 8:55 am

RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:24 am

This surfaces every 8 months or almost an urban legand, funny stuff  Smile
Golf Foxtrot you are cleared for departure
User avatar
Posts: 30120
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RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 3:04 am

Stale Stuff.But always amusing to read.
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
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Joined: Wed Dec 05, 2001 8:24 pm

RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 3:10 am

Per Ardua ad Astra! ........ Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense!
Posts: 8908
Joined: Mon May 24, 1999 1:12 am

RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 3:32 am

Yeah, it's hardly Qantas: "P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode." Er, I don't think Qantas planes are fitted with IFF - "Identify Friend or Foe" (or "target radar"). Unless it's an add-on to TCAS that picks off Air NZ / Virgin Blue planes.

I don't know where this list started but it's been going round and round for years. In fact it's shrinking! It used to include a personal favourite of mine, "P: weather radar went apeshit. S: opened radome, let ape out, cleaned up shit."
fly Saha Air 707s daily from Tehran's downtown Mehrabad to Mashhad, Kish Island and Ahwaz
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RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 4:57 am

Oh the Qantas theme....

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF...
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Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 8:01 am

RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 8:26 am

The first time I saw it, Qantas was replaced by USAF - still makes me laugh though!
Ladies & gentlemen this is Captain Tobias Wilcock welcoming you aboard Coconut Airways flight 372 to Bridgetown Barbados
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Joined: Tue Oct 10, 2000 8:37 pm

RE: Qantas Gripe Sheet (Humor)

Tue Feb 22, 2005 8:44 am

haha thats great!

btw thats not true that Qantas never had an accident...A qantas 744 overran the runway in Bangkok because of aquaplaining...also she only used 2 of her thrust reversers (cause of overrunning runway) because it would safe fuel...



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