Airliners.net

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they decided that they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. "Cool", they thought! Each one in a separate room,
thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?





One day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Quoting ORFflyer (Thread starter):

Good ones!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, a couple of drops of engine oil, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your car is about to throw a rod. Go see an automotive technician.
6. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Great Jokes, here is one I heard,

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.

The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''

The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - ".. If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...".

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with sugar sprinkles. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home" '.

"Well, that sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common Doc?'

"It's not unusual"

13.A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What, because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

14.Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

15.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I think its Colin.

19.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

22.A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Quoting IFEMaster (Reply 3): Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

        

That's perfect for this forum.

Three knuckleheads died in a car accident and landed in heaven together. God addressed the first one, "Before you are allowed to enter heaven you must answer a question. What can you tell me about Easter?"
The first one looked puzzled for a moment then said, "Oh, I know. That's the holiday in the fall when you pig out on Turkey and watch football games all day."
"Wrong!" said God and the first one disappeared in a puff of smoke. God turned to the second one and asked him about Easter.
"Isn't that the holiday in December when you get gifts and decorate a dead tree?"
"Wrong!" said God and the second one disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The last one looked nervous as God turned to him.
"What can you tell me about Easter?" God asked.
"Well that's the holiday that occurs in early spring. It begins on the day Jesus was hung on a cross between two criminals and made to wear a crown of thorns. He dies and they bury him in a cave and roll a rock over the entrance to seal it. On the third day, Jesus is supposed to rise from the dead. So they roll the stone away from the cave entrance and if Jesus pops his head out it means six more weeks of winter."

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

Oh god this jokes is so fun. 

It was a typically busy, crowded, chaotic Friday before a holiday at ATL. Travelers, friends, relatives, airport personnel, pilots, flight attendants, the handicapped and infirm being transported through the throngs of shoulder to shoulder people.

At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him. Thank you".

Flyorski - those were good. But I gotta question that last one, I mean come on, no way it could have gone that way, I mean look at the first line.....

Quoting Flyorski (Reply 8): Delta ticket counters all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.

DELTA ticket agents - politely & quickly???

    

An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States."
The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence.
"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Frenchman.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S."
"And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American.
"We throw them away, of course," replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look.
The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France.



The Bible Says It Like It Is...

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would search for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."




Thanks Officer!...

An Irishman, quite drunk, is driving wildly through the streets of Dublin. A cop, spotting the car weaving violently all over the city's roads, races after him and pulls him over.

"So, might I ask," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Well constable, I've spent a fine evening at Patty's Pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few pints."

"I did all right, holding my own and all," the drunk says with a smile.

The cop, now standing straight and folding his arms, says sternly, "Did you know that back at the intersection of Clare and Moyasta, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens!" sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



The Three Samurai...

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!



So an electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are debating what type of engineer god is.
The electrical engineer says, "Look at the way the blood flows, the way the electrical charges in the brain cause function. He has to be an electrical engineer"
The mechanical engineer says, "But look at the joints, the way the muscles work. No doubt about it, god was a mechanical engineer"
The civil engineer says, "You are both wrong. God is absolutely a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal system right down the middle of an entertainment area"

Q: Whats the difference between a Congressman and a dogfish?

A: Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder, the others a fish.


Not quite a regular joke but here goes.
Clear Day Plan to save bankrupt airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin'
strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and
haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol
consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of
course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start
flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline
industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton




MILITARY WISDOM
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it
That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't
ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being th e only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
---- --------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear
No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ....
The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck;
three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying
his plane to its maximum"
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime"
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
-------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
---------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees
and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail
in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks
"What happened?". The pilot's reply:
"I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Quoting Miamiair (Reply 10): An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth. "Of course!" The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States." The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Frenchman. "Of course!" The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S." "And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American. "We throw them away, of course," replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look. The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France.

         That was Great! 



Shan 

My new favourite joke at the moment
Q. What is the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist

A kid runs up to a policeman crying:
"Please help me! A guy is fighting with my dad!"
The officer goes with the kid to check the situation out and observes two men beating the crap out of each other.
"Which one is your dad?" The policeman asks.
"I don't know" answers the kid. "That's what they are fighting for"

A boy and a girl that just met are making love. Suddenly she asks:
"Are you a doctor?"
"Yes..."
"Anesthesiologist?"
"Yes...but how did you know?"
"It's just that I don't feel anything."


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I hope these two jokes weren't too old...

Cheers!

Motif1