Told to me by Joe Hammond of Eagle's Nest, New Mexico.

A woman made a regular habit of going into a bar, drinking two pitchers of Coors and passing out. At that point the bartender would carry her in the back room, lay her out on the pool table and the patrons would have their way with her. This went on for some time.

One day she comes in and the bartender asks her "Your usual Coors, ma'am?"

She says, "No. I want two pitchers of Budweiser."

The bartender says "Why's that?"

She says "Every time I drink Coors my pussy hurts."

For British Columbians:

What marks the border between China and India?
The Fraser River.

Back when Jimmy Carter was prez this one made the rounds.

When the Vatican announced that the Pope was going to visit the US, Carter put his best and brightest people to the task of coming up with a suitable memento for the Pontiff's trip.

So, somebody said "Pontiff! Pontifex! What we need is a BRIDGE, and a bigger and better one than anyone's ever seen!"

So to commemorate the Pope's trip a bridge was built across the state of Arizona.

When Carter and the Pope attended the ribbon cutting, the Pope whispered to Carter "You know, this is a great insult to the Vatican and the papacy because even in Italy we know that Arizona's a dry state, and nobody builds a bridge across a dry state. You've got three weeks to tear it down."

So the Pope came and went, and three weeks after he went back to Italy he calls Carter: "Lissen' peanut boy. This is the Pope speaking. Have you gotten rid of that damn bridge yet?"

Carter: "I'm sorry, your Holiness, we could not tear the bridge down as you requested."

The Pope: "Why not?"

Carter: "Because we got about four million _________ fishing off it right now."

What's the difference between a circus and a brothel?
-One shows cunning stunts, the other, shows stunning c**ts.

What's the difference between a woman praying and a woman showering?
-One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.


Child: "Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma again."
Mommy: "Shut up and keep digging."

Child: "Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit Europe."
Mommy: "Shut up and keep swimming."

Quoting Xpat (Reply 105):

Q:How do you break the nose on a blond?

A:You show her a penis underneath a glass table

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up in the morning?

A: She puts on her clothes and walks home

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 braincells?

A: Pregnant

Q: Another word for taking off the clothes of a blonde?

A: Foreplay

[Edited 2007-08-20 18:11:35]

Quoting AirTranTUS (Reply 94): Or camping.

That would be two for me, they were both surprised as hell when they met!!!

Quoting AirPacific747 (Reply 106):

How do you drown a blonde?

Screw a mirror to the bottom of a swimming pool.

How does a blonde turn the light on after sex?

Open the car door.

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. (I'm going to hell for that one)

Quoting Xpat (Reply 105): What's the difference between a circus and a brothel? -One shows cunning stunts, the other, shows stunning c**ts. What's the difference between a woman praying and a woman showering? -One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

What the difference between finding a lost golf ball and lady Godiva?
-Finding the ball is a hunt on a course...

What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homo?
-The hunting dog sicks ducks...

whats the diffrene between a black and a pie of pizza?
a pizza can feed a family of 4

how do u no f a black womens pregnant?
stick a banana up her v*g*n* if it comes out half eaten the monkeys on its way

Quoting Helvknight (Reply 108):

Good ones  

Quoting MCOflyer (Reply 49): what do you call a hot shot on A-Net? a slacker w/o a life.

YEP!!! Jesus its just a damn website   

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter): -Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ? -No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Quoting Doona (Reply 7): Sorry to piss on your parade, but there actually is a Disneyland in Japan. The other ones were good, though. Cheers Mats

BTW last time I was in Japan most young people were pretty tall. But then again, I'm only 5'5".

Probably not that offensive, but I just got this in an email and had a chuckle....

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 Day /10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can
catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after
her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and
has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10lb, as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5 day / 20 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you
catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but
when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. The
next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth
day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as
promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb.
program."Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is
our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good
in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a huge, muscular, 6'6" hairy man wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads:, "I'm Leroy. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "See you next month!"


Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists.


Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.


Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.


Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.


Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.


Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Why are pubic hairs curly
So they wont poke you in the eye.


Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.


If god had not meant for man to eat P***y, he would not have shaped it like a taco!



Why women have TWO orifices back there together?
So when they get drunk at a party you can bend them over, pick them up like a 6-pack and take them home.

Why blonds wear panties.....
to keep their ankles warm


whats a blonds mating call?
I'm drunk.

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 113):

                    

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.


One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the
birds and discovered that the cock was missing.


He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he
decided to question his parishioners in church.


During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got
a cock?"


All the men stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"

All the women stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody
seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!


"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really
really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"


Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of five.

-

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?

All of them.

-

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

-

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

The winner of last year's hide and seek competition.

The ultimate Jewish dilema: Free pork.

Quoting Xpat (Reply 121): The ultimate Jewish dilema: Free pork.

You mean Muslim dilemma?

50 years ago they called 20 white guys chasing a black guy the KKK, now they call it Formula 1.

 

rgds --James--

Quoting Jamesbuk (Reply 123): 50 years ago they called 20 white guys chasing a black guy the KKK, now they call it Formula 1.

Or the PGA Tour.  


Why are they called a wife?








All the other four-letter words were taken.

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 113):

An oldie but a goodie.

     

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter): Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ? -No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

In fact, There is one!!! (since 1.983)

[Edited 2007-08-21 16:46:33]

(I was going to select one of the non-av wingnuts but decided I don't want a ban just yet ....  )

There was a neo-conservative that went to the hair salon wearing headphones.

Before the barber started cutting his hair he told him "Make sure you don't knock the headphones off my head".
So the barber was sure not to.

The next time, the neocon said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told.

The third time he went, he told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off.

As soon as the headphones fell off, the neocon dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened. He heard a looped recording of Rush Limbaugh's voice which said: "Breathe in ...breathe out ... breathe in ... breathe out...."

Q: What do Hiroshima, Nagaski, and Tehran all have in common?
A: Nothing yet.

Q: What´s the difference between argentinians and terrorists?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: What´s the similarity between a humble argentinian and Superman?
A: None of them exists.

There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when one of them told the other one he had to take a dump. Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles, he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business but there was only one problem...he didnt have any toilet paper.He asked his partner if he had some paper.He didn't have any paper, but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar. The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business. He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand so his partner asked him what happened and he replied,"Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"

What language does a Jewish Homo speak?
Heblew



Isn't it ironic that the square root of 69 is 8-something? 

I'm sorry for this....

What do you call a black priest?

Holy S**t

Quoting COEWR737 (Reply 135): What do you call a black priest? Holy S**t

Hahah i heard that on before.

What do you call half the blck population on the moon...............a problem

what do you call 3/4 of the black population on the moon...............a problem

what do you call the entire black population on the moon..............problem solved 

  

What has two legs and eats ants?







Uncles.

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

*The Englishman*: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away .

*The American*: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

*The Chinese*: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

*The Japanese*: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra at no charge.

*The Israeli*: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.

*The Palestinian*: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.

What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

What did Abraham Lincoln say after he woke up from a three-day drunk?





I freed who!?




I am so going to hell..........

How do you get a Puerto Rican Girl Pregnant?
Come in her shoes, let the flies do the rest?

What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?
Sometimes the garbage gets picked up.

What does a Puerto Rican girl and hockey players have in common?
They both change pads after three periods.

Little boy goes to a whorehouse and knocks on the door.
The Madame opens up and looks at him, "What do you want?"
"I want hooker that has everything; crabs, the drip and the clap," answers the little boy.
"Why would you want that?" inquires the Madame.
"I want to get even," is the boy's answer.
The Madame ponders for a moment, "And just how are you going to get even?"
"You see," says the boy, "after I'm done here, I am going to go home and boink my babysitter. After that my dad is going to screw the babysitter; my dad will do my mom, and my mom is going to screw the mail man, and THAT IS THE SONUVABITCH THAT RAN OVER MY PET FROG!"

Little boy goes to a whorehouse and knocks on the door.
The Madame opens up and looks at him, "What do you want?"
"I want hooker that has everything; crabs, the drip and the clap," answers the little boy.
"Why would you want that?" inquires the Madame.
"I want to get even," is the boy's answer.
The Madame ponders for a moment, "And just how are you going to get even?"
"You see," says the boy, "after I'm done here, I am going to go home and boink my babysitter. After that my dad is going to screw the babysitter; my dad will do my mom, and my mom is going to screw the mail man, and THAT IS THE SONUVABITCH THAT RAN OVER MY PET FROG!"

              


I think I'll be able to clean the monitor, but you owe me a keyboard.

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

- - - - - - - - -

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're A United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Quoting ORFflyer (Reply 143): Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're A United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

        

Quoting ORFflyer (Reply 143): Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're A United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Have cordially to disagree, ORFflyer. There was a time - not SO long ago - when Hillary was the only woman in the whole of Washington DC who could never, under any circumstances, have been suspected of having a romantic involvement with Bill Clinton.

Quoting NAV20 (Reply 145): when Hillary was the only woman in the whole of Washington DC who could never, under any circumstances, have been suspected of having a romantic involvement with Bill Clinton.

And then there's Monica.   

But your point is duly noted.  

Quoting ORFflyer (Reply 140): What did Abraham Lincoln say after he woke up from a three-day drunk? I freed who!?

   Oh man that's rough.

Q: What does a blonde consider "safe-sex"?
A: Using a padded headboard

Q: How do you get a one armed blonde down from a tree?
A: Wave

Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: No one knows. It's never been tried.

Q: How many Frenchman does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Doesn't matter. If you're depending on the French to do the job, it's screwed anyway.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?
A: They couldn't find three wiseman and a virgin.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopuss?
A: I don't know either, but it could pick lettuce pretty good.

Q: What do Monica Lewinski and a Coke-machine have in common?
A: They both have a slot that says "Insert Bill Here"

Q: Barrack Obama, John Edwards, and Hillary Clinton jump off a cliff at the same time. Who wins?
A: Society

How did Helen Keller go insane?
Tried to read a stucco wall.

What does FIAT stand for?
Fix it again, Tony!

What does Ford stand for?
Fixed or repaired daily, Found on road dead, for Ontario's retarded drivers, f**ked up recycled dodge, etc. Spell it backwards, and you get Driver returns on foot

Why are most Italians named Tony?
When their parents put them on the boat, they stamped To N.Y. on their foreheads so they didn't get lost.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend France?
No one knows, it's never happened.

Why did the US get the blacks, and Canada get the Indians?
The US won the coin toss.

Why don't the blind bungy jump?
Scares the hell out of the dog.

How long does it take a woman to reach orgasm?
Who cares?

Why do Iraqi's smell?
So the blind can hate them too.

Why did the Germans lose the war?
They threw gernades, the Allies picked them up, pulled the pins and threw them back.

Why does Santa have a big red bag?
You would to if you only came once a year.

What do you do if you see an epeleptic in a jacuzzi?
Add some soap and your dirty clothes.

What do elephant use for vibrators?
Epeleptics.

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave smail tracks on the floor.

Why did the woman cross the road?
The question is irrelevant, what is she doing out of the kitchen?

What six words can an Indian say that will lower your property value?
Hey der, I'm yer new neighbour!

What do you get when you cross a redneck with a blonde?
Nothing, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

What do you get when you cross a draft dodger and a lesbian?
Chelsea Clinton

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix
was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the
sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the
streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can
rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one
million dollars to ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened
his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the
air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix
saw the blue pigeon and gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix
pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City
Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon
had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of
pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no
fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million
just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican"?

I have black guys on my family tree. They're still hangin' there.

No, but seriously, my grandfather's best friend was a black man...until he sold him.

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 10): Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car? Because she was a woman

That's one of my all time favourite jokes   

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 41): Did you hear about the new French guns for sale? Never been fired, only dropped once. Why is the best French fighter called the "Mirage"? Because it's never been seen in battle.

  

Q: What's the difference between toast and the French?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.

Quoting Dougloid (Reply 91): What's the world's shortest book? "Negroes I Have Met While Yachting"

  

Quoting Don81603 (Reply 148): What do you do if you see an epeleptic in a jacuzzi? Add some soap and your dirty clothes.

I don't get it.

Time for some more woman jokes. I haven't seen these ones in this thread, so here goes.

What did God say when he made man? 'I can do better than this.'
What did God say when he made woman? 'Then again I could be wrong.'

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn't need to be cleaned.

A woman is down at the police station, she is reading a blank piece of paper. What is it?
Her Rights.

What do you call the useless skin around a vagina?
A woman.



And to conclude:



One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.
"Where's Eve?" He asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.
"Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."