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treeny
Topic Author
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Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:18 pm

All Good Day to you.

I am hoping that you guys could give me some constructive advice about a problem I am having with my son, aged 2 1/2 years and some behaviour he is showing.

Some details:- One son 2 1/2 yrs old who has a sister of 7 months. Living with Mum and Dad. No problems at home. No history of divorce etc in the family.

Basically I am concerned about some of the violent behavior he is showing to us at home. He has become very violent towards both myself, his mum and sister routinely lashing out with fists of kicks. This also sometimes happen with gran and granddad which is even stranger because there is also a perfect relationship with them. Also if not lashing out at us, he strikes his head with his hand and kicks and stamps his feet.

However, he does not do this with stangers, when in play school - basically to all the world he is a little saint (which he generally is but just not all of the time) but with us, he can literally in the space of a second go from little angel to wild animal with, (another worry of mine) no real reason.......one side of the coin to another.

I would love to hear any comments you could share with me on this. My theory is that he is suffering with jealousy due to his sister but I cant work out the nature of his behaviour.

Also, what would you advise me to do punishment wise. The last worry is that he doesnt seem to learn. He gets sent to his room, VERY light smacks to try and show is has mis behaved and caused upset and other times a talk in a raised voice......he stops, shows remorse then 5 mins later he is doing it again. What I am trying to stress here is that we actively true to help and control him, not just let him run wild.

Thanking you all as always in advance

Mark
 
LASoctoberB6
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:32 pm

A couple of whuppin's from the belt should start to improve his behavior (not the light smacks, the ones he'll remember). It worked my siblings and I.. Just don't be afraid to assert your authority. I'm seeing that in way too many parents nowadays. He has to have the discipline to know what he did/does was wrong. If it's jealousy, then explain to him that babies her age need that attention, the same he got when he was that age. If you don't want to use "The Belt", then grab a hold of him until he is out of energy. All this commin' from a 16 year old... lol Hope this helps any..  Smile
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kmh1956
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:34 pm

They don't call them the 'terrible twos' for nothing!! Add to that the fact that there is a baby in the hosue, and you've got a real handful.

Set aside a small area to be used as sort of a 'naughty zone.' Don't put anything in that area like toys, and don't have it near the tv or anything that will otherwise distract him. The severity of the behavior decides the amount of time he spends in the naughty zone. Start with 5 minutes for a minor thing, 10 for smacking etc....and no matter what, do NOT interact with him while he is in the zone. Let him know why he's there, put him there, ignore him. When he's been quiet for whatever period you decide, then he can come out.

Above all, praise him when he behaves well.....no rewards, just praise.

If that doesn't work, sell him to gypsies. (kidding!)
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treeny
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:51 pm



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
Set aside a small area to be used as sort of a 'naughty zone.' Don't put anything in that area like toys, and don't have it near the tv or anything that will otherwise distract him. The severity of the behavior decides the amount of time he spends in the naughty zone. Start with 5 minutes for a minor thing, 10 for smacking etc....and no matter what, do NOT interact with him while he is in the zone. Let him know why he's there, put him there, ignore him. When he's been quiet for whatever period you decide, then he can come out.

That is something that I would like to try actually. What do you advise me about keeping him in there? Should it be behind a closed door or should it just be a zone as you say and me or mum patrolling it so he doesnt get out?

Thanks a million guys - really appreciate the help.
 
LASoctoberB6
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:14 pm



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
Set aside a small area to be used as sort of a 'naughty zone.' Don't put anything in that area like toys, and don't have it near the tv or anything that will otherwise distract him. The severity of the behavior decides the amount of time he spends in the naughty zone. Start with 5 minutes for a minor thing, 10 for smacking etc....and no matter what, do NOT interact with him while he is in the zone. Let him know why he's there, put him there, ignore him. When he's been quiet for whatever period you decide, then he can come out.

We got put in a room like after we got our whuppin's.. lol
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AsstChiefMark
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:19 pm

He's jealous. He wants more attention. He subconsciously blames his sister for "stealing" away all the attention you once gave him. He doesn't like the fact that you to have to divide the attention, rather than giving it all to him like when he was younger.

How do I know? I was the same way after my brother and sister (twins) were born. Even the age difference is the same. I grew out of it after my siblings were toilet trained. Isn't psychology great?

For now, you should set aside time to spend with him alone. Tell him it's his "special time" just for him. It's best if you do it at least two times a day. Read to him, play games, or whatever else he considers unique to him. Don't let anything interfere with that time, especially if it has to do with your daughter. Also, never withhold "special time" as a form of punishment. That would make it look like your love is negotiable.

[Edited 2008-03-14 08:28:57]
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Queso
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:27 pm

A across the in the proper quantity should produce the results you are looking for.
 
yooyoo
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:39 pm



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
'terrible twos' for nothing!!

I've never experienced that, i must be lucky.  smile 

I think he may be jealous of his sister. I'm not sure if you do this or not, but try to include him in everything, get him to help mom and dad and praise him for his help and i don't think it would be too bad to give him a treat now and again even if it's a trip to a burger joint with a play gym to let him run free. Maybe you and your wife can do a special outing with him, take him to the movies a sporting event... a dad and son outing?

My wife and i have done the above and so far so good with my kids. No, they are not perfect and i do, very rarely, give em a slap to get them in-line ( i can't remember the last time, but i have done it)

Be strict, be stern, don't show weakness.

Details about my family....Girl 7 years old, girl 4 years old and another girl 6 months old. Again, we are not perfect, our house can be rather chaotic but hey, kids are kids.  Wink

I wish you all the best!!


i wanted to add......what's he watching on TV?
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Nimish
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:48 pm

The way we dealt with this 2 years ago was to keep the 2.5 yr old boy busy! Got him involved in coloring, playing cricket with friends, reading books, chatting with grand-parents etc. (this was my wife's good-cop routine - and luckily for me, she's a home maker and had the time to spend). Most kids tend to have so much of energy, and unless it's channeled in the right way, it can come out in the form of violence.

Of course, a no-tolerance policy for violence was my bad-cop routine. Anything that violates that rule would get dealt with in the following manner:

1. Catch the child and tell him that he's doing something that's not right.
2. Tell him that he will be punished for this (and for further occurences)
3. Punish him by sending him to a corner (or a bathroom) for a few minutes. All the while ignore him totally, but if he demands attention just let him know that he's under punishment for his unacceptable actions.

The combination of keeping him busy and firm punishments helped a bit. And at one stage my wife had to catch him and hit him rather hard on his bums to let him know that hitting is painful, and is not the right thing to do.

I now have my 2.5 year old girl going through a similar phase - only thing is that she bites instead of hits  Sad. Well - same routine - except that we found that just keeping her busy was the better bet, as she did not respond well to the punishments (in the sense that just punishment alone did not help change her mind, and she actually started playing with water while in the bathroom!!!!).
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mayor
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:55 pm

It's been too far in the past for me to give any relevant recommendations. I only had to spank (lightly, I might add) my daughter once and it was for lying to me. She had flushed my contacts down the toilet and then lied about what happened to them. She's now almost 30 with a 2 year old of her own and one on the way. I'd say she's turned out pretty well. I think a few well turned "looks" when she misbehaved, worked rather well.
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Tom in NO
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:28 pm



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
They don't call them the 'terrible twos' for nothing!!

Precisely.....both of our girls got through that stage with not a whole of issues, thank goodness...

Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
Add to that the fact that there is a baby in the hosue, and you've got a real handful.

Yep.....likely a bit jealous of the attention the baby gets...

Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
Set aside a small area to be used as sort of a 'naughty zone.'

We call it 'time out'.....usually works pretty well.

Mark also makes some very good points.....we make it a point to split the girls up at times, and one of us will take one of them away to a special event or do something fun (tonight I'm taking our nine-year old to the Lakers/Hornets game here.....took the six-year old to a game three weeks ago)...and spend some special one-on-one time with them.

Tom at MSY
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treeny
Topic Author
Posts: 270
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:29 pm



Quoting YooYoo (Reply 7):
i wanted to add......what's he watching on TV?

He tends to like films more than anything. The other interesting thing is that he likes films for an everso slightly higher age range.

For example he adores CARS, BARNYARD, FLUSHED AWAY, CHARLOTTES WEB.

Another thing of interest is his taste in kids tv / educational material.

He likes Balamory and Lazy Town.

The only very little childs things he likes are Thomas the Tank Engine and Postman Pat.

Mark
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:53 pm

I will be more concerned about the underlying issues for your child's anger. As a lot of A.netters have mentioned that it might be jealousy...but do not consider just that as an underlying issue.

Something that sets off alarm bells for me is the fact that your child is hitting himself. First thing I would do is seek medical attention just to rule out any possible medical conditions since this type of behaviour is also seen in children that have an onset of certain conditions such as ADD/ADHD and Autism. If the doctor gives you an all-clear then its time for good-ol' @ss whopping as many of A.netters have suggested.
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767Lover
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:13 pm



Quoting Treeny (Thread starter):
Also if not lashing out at us, he strikes his head with his hand

Hopefully he won't bruise himself, as you'll have all sorts of "well meaning people" calling the authorities on you for child abuse.
 
GerbenYYZ
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:57 pm

You want to make sure that whatever punishment you give, keeping in mind that what works for one child won't work for another, that you keep the consequences of his actions consistent. Your son needs to know where the boundary lies, no exceptions. If you make the rules, but only sometimes follow them then he'll be trying it each and every time, just to see if this is one of those exceptions. You are his father, You set the rules, and there can be no doubt in his mind that if he breaks those rules he will get punished for it. Also make sure that everyone involved in his care follows the same rules and consequences. My daughters are 2 and 5, and while they will try every once in a while to see if the rules still apply, all it takes (most of the time) is a look and they know...
 
andessmf
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 8:32 pm



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
They don't call them the 'terrible twos' for nothing!! Add to that the fact that there is a baby in the hosue, and you've got a real handful.

Indeed, the behavior seems quite normal. But it would be upsetting. I told myself that it was much harder going from one kid to two, than from two to three.

Quoting AsstChiefMark (Reply 5):
He's jealous. He wants more attention. He subconsciously blames his sister for "stealing" away all the attention you once gave him. He doesn't like the fact that you to have to divide the attention, rather than giving it all to him like when he was younger.

Pretty much so. Kids want attention, and they will get it from you either the right way or the wrong way.

Quoting Tom in NO (Reply 10):
both of our girls got through that stage with not a whole of issues

Frankly, same sexes close together seem to do better than different sexes. My sister gave me a welcome slap when she first saw me.

Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 12):
Something that sets off alarm bells for me is the fact that your child is hitting himself.

Not really. He is already reinforcing in the kid that hitting others is not OK, hence the path will go to hitting himself.

Quoting GerbenYYZ (Reply 14):
You want to make sure that whatever punishment you give, keeping in mind that what works for one child won't work for another, that you keep the consequences of his actions consistent. Your son needs to know where the boundary lies, no exceptions.

Pretty much what I would say.

We had a heck of a hard time when our son was born, including a hellish first month. My daughter was so jealous that she got physically sick at the beginning, and my wife had to hide to feed Jr. Even after a few years, we caught her kicking him just for the heck of it. Welcome to the world of multiple kid parenting and the baptism by fire that it entails.

Just keep the discipline up, don't give up, and eventually things WILL get better. I myself enoy when they get to be about age 4. They call that 'the age of reason'. Eventually, all of this will be nothing but a distant memory.
 
KL773ER
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 9:51 pm



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 2):
Don't put anything in that area like toys, and don't have it near the tv or anything that will otherwise distract him. The severity of the behavior decides the amount of time he spends in the naughty zone. Start with 5 minutes for a minor thing, 10 for smacking etc....and no matter what, do NOT interact with him while he is in the zone.

I agree. Find what his most valuable reinforcerment is or what satisfaction he is getting at the time of behaviour and remove immediately and try not to make any eye contact. The fancy psych term for this is "extinction"

-KL
 
kmh1956
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:16 pm



Quoting Treeny (Reply 3):
What do you advise me about keeping him in there? Should it be behind a closed door or should it just be a zone as you say and me or mum patrolling it so he doesnt get out?

He should be in full view so that you can keep an eye on him, but remember that if he does get out of his zone it only adds to his zone time...and don't keep checking up on him. More than likely, it's a jealousy thing and he's wanting attention. If you constantly check up on him, he wins. You are the authority figure here, and this appears to me to be a challenge to that authority (sort of a 'how dare you bring another child in here! this is MY house, and I'm not going to rest until you send that baby back..)

Someone else suggested getting him checked out for ADD etc. Not a bad idea, but a lot of doctors seem to slap that label on a lot of kids these days who are really just acting out. I'd get more than one opinion if you can swing it...
'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Sat Mar 15, 2008 9:08 am

Just that the Kid is a bit Jealous & bored.
Get him involved in some hobby activity & spend some time with him.
Ignore the tantrums & praise the good work done by him.

Start a coupon system,where for every good deed the Kid gets one coupon & when the kids wants a gift the parents determine how many coupons the kids would need to hand over to get the gift.It encourages good deeds.

Not a serious problem,will solve in a few yrs.Just remember get the kid to be busy.

regds
MEL
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metroliner
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Sat Mar 15, 2008 11:22 am

Put the little monkey on a treadmill for an hour or so, then send him to bed...  Wink

Seriously, though, little boys need exercise, and if they don't get it (after a couple of rainy days or whatnot) they start getting frustrated. I was like that personally, had to be kept running around most of my childhood. Lots of behavioural 'problems' quickly ameliorate with regular workouts...

Not only in kids, in adults too...  Smile

Toni
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j_hallgren
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:28 am

Don't have kids myself, but from watching numerous episodes of "SuperNanny" (Jo Frost) on TV who seems to be able to tame 'monster' kids into angels, she would probably say some of what has been written:
1) Define a "naughty spot" where kid will be put
2) Put him there for 1 minute for each yr of age
3) If he moves, put him back without saying anything, and keep doing it until he stays there
4) Get down to his level and tell in a stern voice what he did wrong
5) At end of time-out, he must say he'e sorry for behavior, and gets a hug to show that he's still loved
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jcs17
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:13 am

Place him in a dog cage and deprive him of food for a week. The little bugger will learn his lesson.
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HAWK21M
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:57 am



Quoting JCS17 (Reply 21):
Place him in a dog cage and deprive him of food for a week. The little bugger will learn his lesson.

Interesting parentel tips.You speaking from experience?  wink 
regds
MEL.
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
iairallie
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RE: Child Behaviour - Advice Needed

Tue Mar 18, 2008 10:21 am



Quoting Treeny (Reply 3):
What do you advise me about keeping him in there?

My parent's used a kitchen timer and would put us at the top of the stairs (or one at the top one at the bottom if we were both acting up). If we left our spot they would start the timer over. We learned pretty quick not to move.

The suggestions for setting aside one on one time are all good. Praise when you catch him being good no matter how smal the action. Praise especially when he does something gentle.

My younger brother (21 year age difference) is one of those kids that needs a ton of attention. He responds really well to positive reinforcement. Also responds well to reason. I explain to him that if he is going to behave poorly then it is a waste of the time we have together and tell him that I love him but I'd much rather spend that time having fun with him. And ask him what he'd rather be doing having fun or not.

The most important thing is consistency. Once you chart a course be consistent in applying it.
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