My Mom Passed Away

dragon-wings · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:08 am

She passed away early Saturday morning after a 10 year battle with cancer she was 62 years old. She was given 6 months to a year to live but the cancer spread very quickly though her body. She spent the last 2 weeks of her life in hospice care until she could not fight anymore.

There is a silver lining in this, my family is getting together with family (aunt, uncle, and cousins) we haven't seen in years! I am hoping we stay in touch now!

I don't know why I am starting this thread, I guess I just needed advice. I don't really have a appetite and I haven't been sleeping good at night. My family thinks I should talk with someone, do you think they are right?

pilotntrng · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:15 am

I am truly sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing in Aug 07. You sound like you have a family like mine. We only get together when these things happen. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Stay strong and know that she isn't suffering anymore. That's what gets me by.

MadameConcorde · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:19 am

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through and the news of your mom's departure from this world. At least he will have to endure no more pain and suffering.

Her spirit remains. Another part of her has gone up to the stars. R.I.P.

It is always better that you have people you can talk to in your family and others. You have several hundreds friends right here on A.net. Our thoughts are with you right now.

Try to eat if just simple things if you don't feel like cooking. Nature has provided us with healthy foods such as apples and bananas. This is very important. Do not stay alone. Better to have people around you, the ones who you can talk to. We are all here.

[Edited 2008-09-19 00:20:46]

dragon-wings · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:30 am

Thanks guys. I guess it takes time for things to heal.

Quoting PilotNTrng (Reply 1):
You sound like you have a family like mine. We only get together when these things happen.

My Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on my dads side of the family are very close. We talk a lot and see each other every few weeks. It's family on my moms side we haven't seen in years. (there was a family fight years ago).

atrude777 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:58 am

Hey-

I am very sorry for your loss. I have not lost my mother, but have lost family members just as important and the pain and sadness if just as bad.

Grieve, in anyway you can. We all do it differently, whether by crying, driving, talking, writing it out. Whatever you want.

Cook if you want to, eat, it will be hard to sleep but try to get as much sleep as you can.

Glad you are able to see the silverlining with the family getting together Smile

Shoot a pm if you have to talk, we are all here!

Alex

EA CO AS · Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:08 am

I'm so sorry for your loss! I hope your happy memories will bring you comfort in the days ahead.

pilotntrng · Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:13 am

Quoting Atrude777 (Reply 4):

I agree 100 percent. talk to us if you need to. We are here for ya,

Brad

cumulus · Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:33 am

Sounds a odd thing to say mate, but there is nothing anyone can really say to make you feel any better.

But I'll give you two tips:-

i.) Time is a great healer, and it will take time. But as each day passes it will become more manageable.

ii.) For f*cks sake EAT!!!!! I know you don't feel like it, but making yourself ill in the process is not good, at all.

wilco737 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:35 am

Dear Dragon- wings,

I am really sorry for your loss... We all pray for you and your mother pray

WILCO737 (MD11F)
airplane

dragon-wings · Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:04 am

I don't ever want to forget my mom, but I'm getting real sad when I think about her. What should I do?

OA260 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:33 am

Quoting Dragon-wings (Reply 9):
I don't ever want to forget my mom, but I'm getting real sad when I think about her. What should I do?

Sorry to hear of your loss. When my Grandmother died it was a real turning point in my life. When my Mum was ill she looked after me and we got very close. I dealt with it by carrying on and being brave. Talking alot about her and making a large photo frame of all the time together and vacations etc. I put it in the hall and there is still not a day that goes by without me thinking about her. She had a major influence on my life. When you have to make tough decisions always think ''What would Mum have done'' !! It would be a fitting tribute to carry out everything she taught you and her values in life. Remember the good times and cherish them. Renew friendships and keep your family together.

More important dont be afraid to cry . You will get moments when you just break down and maybe for no apparant cause, sometimes you will see a photo or hear a song but its best to let it out.

I wish you well.

HowSwedeitis · Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:20 am

Damn man, that sucks. We all feel for you here. I think it's cool that even though we are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles apart, you have a sort-of support group here with Airliners.net.
If I were you, I would take a little R&R and maybe look at some model trucks online, or maybe build one or two. If you have the option to, you can maybe take a trip, and try to focus on aviation to get your mind off of things. Best of luck Bro.

-HSII

ZKSUJ · Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:46 am

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you

SUJ

sv7887 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:07 pm

Quoting Dragon-wings (Thread starter):

I don't know why I am starting this thread, I guess I just needed advice. I don't really have a appetite and I haven't been sleeping good at night. My family thinks I should talk with someone, do you think they are right?

I am so sorry to hear this sad news..I went through the same thing with my dad just a few months ago..

I made some mistakes, (and continue to honestly) and I'll list them so you don't make the same ones I did and continue to do:

1) Don't isolate yourself..Find people to talk to. They do have support groups at Cancer Centers.
2) Don't try to be Superman. It's okay to express your feelings, sorrow, anger, etc. Don't bottle them up
3) Do eat, drink, and continue to live life as you would have. That's what your mom would have wanted.
4) Family can sometimes get dramatic at times like this. People have often strange ways of expressing their sorrow. Be fully prepared for some to be in denial. Others will say insensitive things not out of malice but just ignorance. Do your best not to take it too seriously.

5) The Sleeping thing is normal. It took me 6 months to get back to normal. You'll find yourself without a lot of energy and just mentally exhausted.

6) That said, if it persists or gets worse you should talk to someone. I'm wary of shrinks but they do have grief counselors for this sort of thing.

7) Make sure you spend some time on you. I find keeping a journal helps. Do the things you would normally enjoy.

8) Depending on you, you might want to finish some projects your mom had or somehow get involved in a cause that she supported or loved. It might be a fitting tribute to her memory.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Feel free to PM me if I can be of any help

-Sam

lima · Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:33 pm

My condolence for you and your family sorry to hear. It is a process you have to go through to work the loss, be patient and keep up!

skidmarks · Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:43 pm

Quoting Dragon-wings (Reply 9):
I don't ever want to forget my mom, but I'm getting real sad when I think about her. What should I do?

You will NEVER forget your mum, don't worry on that score. And be sad, let it out and have a good cry. You're entitled to. Give it a few days and you'll be remembering the good times, maybe the bad too, but you'll start to feel better.

She's no longer in pain. No more suffering, no more hospitals and trauma. You, on the other hand, have to go on. You are healthy ( at least, I take it you are) and you will survive. Remember your mum with pride and affection and she'll live on in you forever.

Andy old

Kunoichi · Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:53 pm

Quoting Dragon-wings (Reply 9):
I don't ever want to forget my mom, but I'm getting real sad when I think about her. What should I do?

Keep thinking of her - let yourself BE sad. Angry, even. It feels awful, but let it all out - once you do, and you're through all the stages of grief, you'll start thinking of her and be happy about the memories you have. It'll take time, and life will suck for a long while, but after that (and that day WILL come), you'll remember the happy memories when you think of her instead of being sad. It just happens. There's nothing you can do to speed up the process apart from letting it all out and letting yourself grieve.

And talking about it is a great idea. It helps. Trust me. I went through the same when my grandmother died - during some of the sessions, I just sat in front of the psychiatrist and cried for the full hour and none of us said anything. But it helped! It doesn't NEED to be a psychiatrist. If one of your friends don't mind listening, that's just as good.

Take time off work and do stuff you LIKE when you feel like you need to get your mind of it - unless you like work, then, stay at work. But don't isolate yourself or stop eating, and don't "push it away" all the time... that'll just make everything worse.

And most importantly; take care. Smile

Even if it means that you eat solely to survive, you need food.

midcon385 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:56 pm

My sincerest condolences for you and your family!

Tim

TylerDurden · Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:26 pm

Don't know you. But that is horrible news.
Stay strong.

AirframeAS · Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:35 pm

My condolences to you and your family during this very difficult time.

And yes, you need to talk to someone...as well as grieve, too! That is your right!

Hope all is well!

dtwclipper · Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:26 pm

Quoting Dragon-wings (Thread starter):
My Mom Passed Away

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, I know too what it is like, my mom died in April of '07.

A.net is a odd thing, I came home and started a thread about her 'cause I needed a little outside of the box connection, and it was a good thing.

How is your dad doing?

babybus · Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:10 pm

Grief affects everyone in different ways. You'll have your own way of dealing with it.

I know what you're going through and it will take a while to readjust to the loss and come to terms with how you feel.

luv2fly · Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:22 pm

Sorry to hear about your loss. Death is never easy and especially when it is quick and sudden. Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions each and every day, though having said that there is really no way to prepare for it as it will happen when something triggers a reminder.

allstarflyer · Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:37 pm

Quoting Dragon-wings (Thread starter):
My family thinks I should talk with someone, do you think they are right?

Yeah absolutely. Someone who gives a rip about you and it shows - definitely not anyone on here, though. Someone who knows you. And that's awful your Mom passed, condolences.

dl021 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:39 pm

You have my deepest sympathies and my prayers.

I know what I felt when I lost a parent too early and I can only imagine it's at least as difficult for you. Knowing it's coming doesn't necessarily help.

It helped me to keep the good things in mind and remember the life together...in that way my father has been alive in my heart and mind for these last 18 years.

You're starting this thread because you need to share and lean on your friends.. do that....don't hole up inside yourself. Lean on us all you want.

Take care

Ian

pilotntrng · Fri Sep 19, 2008 5:53 pm

Quoting Sv7887 (Reply 13):

I did some of those very things.

One of the hardest things was coming back to flight training only two weeks after and being alone down here didn't help.

Definatly embrace some family or someone close to you and get all the help you need to mourn. I am still not over it. Saying this may not help, but maybe prepare for whats to come.
I woke up this morning after dreaming of my mom and I felt like she was still here with us, but once I woke up and realized it was just a dream, it felt like I lost her all over again.

sv7887 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 6:24 pm

Quoting PilotNTrng (Reply 25):
One of the hardest things was coming back to flight training only two weeks after and being alone down here didn't help.

For me I had just started a new job this February and he suddenly was hospitalized from side effects of his treatment. I had to pull the plug on him and was there when he died holding his hand and as he took his last breaths. He was sedated and on life support, his lungs completely destroyed by hemmoraging and the cancer.

Hindu custom also required I push his body into the cremation chamber and push the button to start the cremation chamber. It is the most painful memory of my life.

I went back to work in 3 days and these past few months have been painful.

Quoting PilotNTrng (Reply 25):
Definatly embrace some family or someone close to you and get all the help you need to mourn. I am still not over it. Saying this may not help, but maybe prepare for whats to come.
I woke up this morning after dreaming of my mom and I felt like she was still here with us, but once I woke up and realized it was just a dream, it felt like I lost her all over again.

Same with me. Sometimes I wake up and completely forget he's gone. Then I walk into the living room and see his picture framed over the mantel. Then it's like it happened all over again.

But...I know I have to go on...He would demand it and if I love him as much as I say I'll do just that. Life goes on, painfully at times, but it goes on.

Thank you for sharing your story.
Sam

pilotntrng · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:11 pm

Quoting Sv7887 (Reply 26):

That's a heart wrenching story as well. It's certainly a gut check. You have to move on and live your life the best way you can. That's what they would have wanted us to do.

I keep a picture of her and the program from her funeral in my logbook. I know she is always with me.

Bongodog1964 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:18 pm

Speaking as a professional in this field (Funeral home owner for many years):

A funeral brings out the worst in families; they rarely seem to heal rifts. You are the next of kin, the nearest to the deceased, you come 1st; you haven't seen the relatives for years because they didn't care when your mum was alive; why should her passing make it any different ? such people often descend and cause havoc.

Eating and sleeping; this is one of the biggest events in your life, probably 2nd only to the death of a partner; not only do you have your mother's death to come to terms with, you have also been there for 10 years with her cancer. Its only natural that you have anxieties as a result. Yes time will be a healer, but the length of this will depend very much upon your mental makeup and other physical aspects of your life. If you have things to keep you occupied this may help.

There are grief counsellors and such like out there; they may be the thing for you, I will say though that the vast majority here in the UK steer well clear of them; they may indeed prolong the grieving process rather than assist it, navel gazing and group therapy is not for everyone.

Don't let anyone take advantage of your mental state for financial advantage; there are people out there who will take advantage of your grief for their own financial gain.
Unscrupulous funeral directors flogging expensive caskets and financial advisors looking to invest inheritances spring to mind.

Hope this is of help

sv7887 · Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:19 pm

Quoting PilotNTrng (Reply 27):
I keep a picture of her and the program from her funeral in my logbook. I know she is always with me.

But don't forget she's far more than a picture...That's what I've learned in these past few months. Yes our parents are physically gone but their ideals, principles, and passion lives on in all of us.

May all of our departed parents rest in peace.

dragon-wings · Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:19 pm

Thanks everyone. Reading through the responses in this thread certainly will help get through this. Smile

Quoting Dtwclipper (Reply 20):
How is your dad doing?

He has doing surprisingly well through all of this. I haven't seen much emotion from him through all of this. (he may be grieving when he is by himself)

Quoting HowSwedeitis (Reply 11):
I would take a little R&R

Quoting HowSwedeitis (Reply 11):
you can maybe take a trip

My cousin moved down to North Carolina about a year ago and when he was up here (New York) for the funeral he invited me to go down and visit him for a weekend. I might just take him up on his offer.

eicvd · Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:44 pm

Sorry to hear about your mom Dragon-wings. May she rest in peace.

Stretch 8 · Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:04 am

I am sorry for your loss; my mother passed ten years ago, and I think of her every day.

The grief will come in waves; so will the happy memories she made for you. The advice above is all very sound. The loss of a mother is very hard - no one on this earth loved you the way she did.

But she helped make you the man you are today, and as a consequence, you will get through it.

jetmech · Sat Sep 20, 2008 2:30 am

Quoting Dragon-wings (Thread starter):

Sorry to hear of your loss Dragon-wings

. It's not surprising that your natural rhythm has been affected by this sad event. Talking to others is an excellent way to facilitate the healing process. I often find that talking to a trusted close friend is an excellent source of strength in difficult situations. The mere fact someone is listening without judging nor offering advice is very helpful.

If it all gets a bit much, remember to take time out and enjoy the simple things in life. Something as simple as taking bath or shower, and concentrating on nothing but the feeling of the warm water is an excellent way to clear your mind and get some peace.

Regards, JetMech

[Edited 2008-09-19 19:35:56]

JAL · Sat Sep 20, 2008 3:14 pm

I'm sorry for your loss.

davestanKSAN · Sat Sep 20, 2008 11:24 pm

I'm real sorry to hear about your loss. It's just awful to lose someone you're close to. I'm sure your mom is very proud of you, and I'm sure you will make her more proud as the years go by. Remember all the fun times you've had together, and remember all the lessons she taught you, and apply them to your life everyday. My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope you can stay strong through all of this. And if you need someone to talk to, we are all here for you.

Take care,
Dave

Aeri28 · Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:47 am

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Take care of yourself.

stasisLAX · Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:35 am

Dragon-wings, you and your family have my heartfelt condolences. I lost my Mom to cancer when she was 62. She was (and will always be) my best friend.

Please consider making some time to talk with the Hospice counselors. Hospice is there as much for the family members as for the patients - I thank God that they were an available resource to counsel my family and myself through the grieving process after my Mother passed away. I was trying so hard to be "the rock" to the rest of my family, that I didn't allow myself to properly grieve - Hospice helped me to do that and helped me to understand the grieving process that we all go through when we lose someone that we love.

dragon-wings · Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:49 am

Thank you all for the kind words. Reading through all the responces really helped. And I think this week I will go and see the hospice counselors.

WunalaYann · Sun Sep 21, 2008 10:14 am

Quoting Dragon-wings (Thread starter):
My Mom Passed Away

Please let me extend my sincere condolences to you and your family.

The fact that your mother battled through this horrible disease for so long is both sad and inspiring.

ME AVN FAN · Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:39 pm

Quoting Dragon-wings (Thread starter):
I don't really have a appetite and I haven't been sleeping good at night. My family thinks I should talk with someone, do you think they are right?

-
Sorry to hear about your loss. And YES your family is right in encouraging you to talk with other people, both per internet and by getting out (restaurants, bars, etc).

vaporlock · Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:40 pm

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. You will have lots of moments when you'll remember all the good times and she will always be alive in your heart and mind.

My heart goes out to you!

Vaps

Superfly · Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:23 pm

Dragon-wings:
So sorry to read about the loss of your mother.
Best of wishes to you, your family, friends and all who were important people in her life.

Dougloid · Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:53 pm

I'm sorry to hear about it. I lost my father in 2001 to lung cancer and I still seem to have conversations with him inside my head. He's never really very far away.

I know he was tired of fighting. My sister was there when he died.

I think this is one of those things in life that says "you're a grown up now."

rfields5421 · Mon Sep 22, 2008 10:34 pm

My condolences.

I lost my mom on March 31 this year - she had just turned 83.

Even though she had Alzheimer's and had been 'gone' for 15 years, the last 13 1/2 in nurshing homes - I still miss her every day. I miss her more now than I did when that awful disease had her.

But I'm very luck to be part of a big loving family, including my 14 grandchildren, to share my grief, my stories and my hopes.

I was also very surprised to learn a lot about my mom at the service. Since I spent most of my adult life away from home, I didn't know her as an adult as well as many of my childhood friends. To learn how she touched their lives was wonderful.

Family and friends is how we deal with loss. Not only do you have them in your real world, but they are here on this forum.

ME AVN FAN · Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:17 pm

Quoting RFields5421 (Reply 44):
she had just turned 83.

Even though she had Alzheimer's and had been 'gone' for 15 years, the last 13 1/2 in nurshing homes - I still miss her every day. I miss her more now than I did when that awful disease had her.

I know this. My mother until September 07 lived in her own apartment but then had to go to hospital and in November those in charge said that due to her dementia, she had to go to a nursing home. She was still able to discuss matters in the restaurant until May, and finally passed away on 22nd June. I often think "ah, this I have to tell ....." and then stop short.

stasisLAX · Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:26 am

Quoting ME AVN FAN (Reply 45):
I often think "ah, this I have to tell ....." and then stop short.

My Mother has been gone nearly ten years, and I still have those moments on a fairly regular basis. Sometimes I just talk out loud to her when I'm alone - and that always helps to ease my mind yes

Toulouse · Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:50 am

Dragon-Wings, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. May you mother rest in peace.

As others have said time does heal. And also other advise is don't be afraid of crying, it helps. Of course, if you don't feel the need to cry, don't worry, we all react differently.

My dad's passing away in April 06 had a bad effect on me. I posted a long thread here on a.net which helped me, and got a wonderful response. If you'd like to read, I'll PM you a link, writing the whole thing helped me, and it may be good for you, whether you keep it to yourself or want to post it here or share it with somebody else, that is up to you.

Take care.

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