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iairallie
Topic Author
Posts: 2326
Joined: Thu May 20, 2004 5:42 am

Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:01 am

Question for the overwhelming guy population of Anet. What are your thoughts on the following scenario?

A guy asked me out last week for an event today. I said "Sure you have my number right?" and he responded "Yes, I'll call you". Well, He did call 30 minute prior to the event to get directions to my house (which is at least 30 minutes drive to the event venue). I'd given up on hearing from him and was having dinner with some friends. After listening to his message I texted back that I was going to have to bail on him because my Mum had just had knee surgery (she really did and just got home yesterday from the hospital) and that my dogs are both ill (also true).

Am a jerk for bailing on him or is he a jerk for waiting until the last minute to call?
Should I have just told him look the main reason I'm ditching you tonight is that you didn't bother to call until the very last minute? The reasons I gave him did play a role but were not the main reason.
 
ZBBYLW
Posts: 1627
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2006 8:17 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:09 am

I would have just been honest and be like, Hey look I did want to go out with you today but you never ended up calling me, I thought you had bailed on me. After that try and set up another date and tell him he has to be more direct about stuff like that, do not assume that you know what is going on.
 
iairallie
Topic Author
Posts: 2326
Joined: Thu May 20, 2004 5:42 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:26 am



Quoting ZBBYLW (Reply 1):
Hey look I did want to go out with you today but you never ended

If I'm being completely honest I wasn't all that enthused about the date in the first place so it would be lying to say that I wanted to go out with him.
 
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HAWK21M
Posts: 30184
Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2001 10:05 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:27 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Am a jerk for bailing on him or is he a jerk for waiting until the last minute to call?

Did he give you a reason why he called late.From a Guy point of view...this is what I think could have occured.Probably busy with official jobs to make time for this event,wants to meet up but not sure if the jobs will be completed on time,finally finishes the pending jobs & calls up to inform about directions.I could be wrong.

Guess best was to confront the person with the reason for calling so late & maybe the answer would be known.

Could be the guy is irresponsible or just very responsible & wants to go out with you but had personal works/emergencies to attend & not wanting to disapoint you by calling off the event.

Its best to state facts & get the best answer in my opinion.

regds
MEL
 
ShyFlyer
Posts: 4698
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:38 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:34 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
He did call 30 minute prior to the event to get directions to my house (which is at least 30 minutes drive to the event venue).

Um, yeah, he messed up big time there. If I'm going to pick up a woman or even meet her somewhere, I like to get those details (time, place, how do I get there?) settled at least a day prior.

Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Am a jerk for bailing on him or is he a jerk for waiting until the last minute to call?

Jerk is probably too strong a word here. He was definitely inconsiderate though. You, on the other hand, shouldn't be expected to put your life on hold waiting for him. It might have been a good idea to have sent him a message asking "are we still on for tonight?"

Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Should I have just told him look the main reason I'm ditching you tonight is that you didn't bother to call until the very last minute?

Had it been me, I would have preferred this. When I screw up, I want to know it so that I know what not to do again.

However, from what my friend tells me, many guys don't react well to the direct approach. Some get argumentative, trying to lay the blame on you for their own mistakes while others may even take far too personally and start crying.
 
DCrawley
Posts: 328
Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 3:18 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:49 am

I would say he should have called much earlier if he didn't know where your place was. I think the best way to ruin a first date is to not be punctual (in any aspect) and not have a darn good reason. It takes some serious personality and swagger to recover from that one! Don't feel bad about canceling: if he wasn't serious about it, why should you be? The only thing that I would recommend changing is the text message. If someone calls you and leaves a message for an event like this, do them the justice of returning their call and explaining to them why you can't go.

Best of luck in future dates!  Smile
 
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MillwallSean
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RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:27 am

First all blokes are different.
But blowing a date doesnt make him a jerk. Its just his loss.

But I must say that anyone that really cares would make sure they had the details earlier than 30 mins before pick up time unless he really misunderstood your conversation.
I must also say that most men that I know treats a woman that they bring to a date with a lot more style and finesse and if he wont, just move on to the next one.

A bit of a chicken reply from you though. You should have told him you had been expecting his call for a week and when it hadn't come you made other plans. Straight talking and not using your mum as an excuse. After all you were annoyed with the lad and its always better to give him an honest reply and a chance to make it up to you.

Was the bloke really keen on dating you that night though?
If I was keen of a date I would definitely get such details earlier and I think most men would.
Even more importantly, if girl you have asked out for a date says "you have my number right."
That is an invitation to you, an invitation for a sms after a day or so. Just s simple slightly flirty touching base sms asking about details and followed with s small extra question to see what the response could be.
These days you can do so much with phones...

Anyway, what was his reaction when you couldn't make it?
Apologetic and saying I'll make it up for you or annoyed that you cancelled.

If he was the coolest cat out there he could have set it up so that it looked that you cancelled when he in fact was out dating someone he found more desirable.
But that requires one dedicated player to have such guts and pull it off.

Anyway good luck with your dating!
 
Superfly
Posts: 37705
Joined: Thu May 11, 2000 8:01 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:40 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):

IAirAllie:
Did you two already establish that you two were to meet up for this event?
It sounds like you two did unless you are leaving out some details.

Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
After listening to his message I texted back that I was going to have to bail on him because my Mum had just had knee surgery (she really did and just got home yesterday from the hospital) and that my dogs are both ill (also true).



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Am a jerk for bailing on him .......?

Yep!  yes 
For several reasons.
He called you back and you respond with a text message. Why couldn't you have just called him back?
Did you feel guilty for doing something else when you already had plans to see him and didn't have the courage to tell him verbally? Thus hiding behind a text message full of lies in which you yourself stated; "The reasons I gave him did play a role but were not the main reason". ?

Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
.....was having dinner with some friends.

 confused 

So you can go out to dinner with some friends while your mother is sick & recovering from knee surgery and your dog is sick but can't go out on a date with this man that was kind enough to ask you out on a date?
Something isn't adding up here.


That excuse is as bad as a school kid telling the teacher a dog ate his homework.

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 3):
.this is what I think could have occured.Probably busy with official jobs to make time for this event,wants to meet up but not sure if the jobs will be completed on time,finally finishes the pending jobs & calls up to inform about directions.

That is what I was thinking.

Quoting ShyFlyer (Reply 4):
It might have been a good idea to have sent him a message asking "are we still on for tonight?"

 checkmark 

She should have done that before making plans to go out to dinner with her other friends.


Personally I would have followed up with the lady I was asking out long before the 30 minute window but hey, stuff happens. I am sure this guy was honest and didn't resort to telling lies.

Sorry IAirAllie, I can't cut you any slack on this one.  no 
 
RussianJet
Posts: 5983
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2007 4:15 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:43 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
The reasons I gave him did play a role but were not the main reason.

It sounds like it was completely reasonable to bail on him in the circumstances. Calling 30 mins prior to event having previously maintained total radio silence is very bad form.

Having said that, it is a shame that, although I don't doubt what you are saying is true and I realise you say they are not your main reasons, your stated reasons sound really, really lame. Ill dogs? Mother's knee? I have to be honest and say don't be surprised if he takes that as a total brush-off.

Quoting ZBBYLW (Reply 1):
Hey look I did want to go out with you today but you never ended up calling me, I thought you had bailed on me. After that try and set up another date and tell him he has to be more direct about stuff like that

 checkmark  Honesty - definitely the way forward here.
 
RGElectra80
Posts: 423
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 5:40 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 2:00 pm



Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 3):
.Probably busy with official jobs to make time for this event,wants to meet up but not sure if the jobs will be completed on time,finally finishes the pending jobs & calls up to inform about directions.I could be wrong.

Well, we could hypothesize about his whereabouts all day but we only have her side of the story. He may be insanely busy but if he's truly interested, he'd find 30 - 60 seconds out of his hectic day to call or send someone a text just to say "hey, what's up? Sorry I didn't call but I've been busy and I'll talk to you soon."

Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
A guy asked me out last week for an event today. I said "Sure you have my number right?" and he responded "Yes, I'll call you".



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 2):
If I'm being completely honest I wasn't all that enthused about the date in the first place so it would be lying to say that I wanted to go out with him.

Then why did you agree to the date to begin with?
 
TSS
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Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2006 3:52 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 4:10 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Am a jerk for bailing on him or is he a jerk for waiting until the last minute to call?

He is a jerk for waiting until the last minute to call. If the date was official and the event was 30 minutes from your house, he should have been on your doorstep ready to go no less than 45 minutes before the event started. If the date wasn't official, he should have called the day before to confirm.

Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Should I have just told him look the main reason I'm ditching you tonight is that you didn't bother to call until the very last minute?

Yes. If your new puppy pooped on your carpet, where would you rub it's nose?

Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 2):
If I'm being completely honest I wasn't all that enthused about the date in the first place so it would be lying to say that I wanted to go out with him.

In which case you should have called him the day before and cancelled.

Quoting ShyFlyer (Reply 4):
Had it been me, I would have preferred this. When I screw up, I want to know it so that I know what not to do again.

Very good idea, ShyFlyer. I'm the same way.

Quoting ShyFlyer (Reply 4):
However, from what my friend tells me, many guys don't react well to the direct approach. Some get argumentative, trying to lay the blame on you for their own mistakes while others may even take far too personally and start crying.

Oy. If a guy reacts like that to the simple truth that he messed up, kick him to the curb and don't look back. Life is too short to suffer either an a$$hole or a crybaby, especially on a date.
 
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ManuCH
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RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 4:47 pm

I quote TSS on everything he said.

Additionally - heck, if he's late and you don't tell him why you're not going out with him, he'll repeat the same mistake next time.

This is a typical woman thing: find an excuse and never say what really bothers you, because you hope Man will understand somehow anyway. Man doesn't get it, doesn't change his behavior, woman is still pissed, game starts over. Wow  Silly
 
18161
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RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:27 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):

This guy is fortunate, I guess  Wink
 
luv2fly
Posts: 11056
Joined: Tue May 13, 2003 2:57 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:03 pm



Quoting MillwallSean (Reply 6):
A bit of a chicken reply from you though. You should have told him you had been expecting his call for a week and when it hadn't come you made other plans. Straight talking and not using your mum as an excuse. After all you were annoyed with the lad and its always better to give him an honest reply and a chance to make it up to you.

I have to agree with the above.
 
iairallie
Topic Author
Posts: 2326
Joined: Thu May 20, 2004 5:42 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:04 pm



Quoting ShyFlyer (Reply 4):
It might have been a good idea to have sent him a message asking "are we still on for tonight?"



Quoting Superfly (Reply 7):
Why couldn't you have just called him back?



Quoting Superfly (Reply 7):
She should have done that before making plans to go out to dinner with her other friends.



Quoting TSS (Reply 10):
In which case you should have called him the day before and cancelled.

I didn't have his number he had mine. In fact I didn't even know his last name. I wanted to call several times that week to let him know what was up but my telepathy beam wasn't strong enought to reach him without having a phone number.

Quoting Superfly (Reply 7):
So you can go out to dinner with some friends while your mother is sick & recovering from knee surgery and your dog is sick but can't go out on a date with this man that was kind enough to ask you out on a date?
Something isn't adding up here.

Several reasons why this is different.
A) the dinner location was closer to home
B) it was a low key dinner with a couple of close friends who would understand if I had to leave suddenly.
C) I could have my cell on at my friend's house and be available to take any emergency calls that is not so kosher at a classical music concert.

It is the truth she had a full knee replacement, got home saturday after a 4 day hospital stay and the dogs both have kennel cough. One stopped eating yesterday and I have a vet appointment in half an hour (3rd one this week $$$$) to see if something worse is going on.

Quoting RGElectra80 (Reply 9):
Then why did you agree to the date to begin with?

Honestly, I was put on the spot, he caught me off guard and I thought I'd give it a chance even though my first impressions of him were lukewarm at best.

Quoting Superfly (Reply 7):
Did you two already establish that you two were to meet up for this event?

My perception of the conversation was that yes we established we were going to the event together and that he would call to hammer out the details.

Oh and I texted instead of calling because I was with company, midway through cooking fajitas and I didn't want to be rude to the friends who were polite enough to call me in a timely fashion. I would have waited and called later but given that there was only 30 minutes till show time I thought it was better to text that I was cancelling immediately than to call later partway through or after the event.
 
prosa
Posts: 5389
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2001 3:24 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:04 pm



Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 3):
Did he give you a reason why he called late.From a Guy point of view...this is what I think could have occured.Probably busy with official jobs to make time for this event,wants to meet up but not sure if the jobs will be completed on time,finally finishes the pending jobs & calls up to inform about directions.I could be wrong.

Another possibility is that IAirAllie wasn't his first choice to take to the event, but was his backup plan in case the woman he really wanted to take changed her mind.
 
luv2fly
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Joined: Tue May 13, 2003 2:57 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:49 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 14):
Oh and I texted instead of calling because I was with company, midway through cooking fajitas and I didn't want to be rude to the friends who were polite enough to call me in a timely fashion. I would have waited and called later but given that there was only 30 minutes till show time I thought it was better to text that I was cancelling immediately than to call later partway through or after the event.

It only takes a minute to excuse yourself and return or take a call. It sounds from reading your posts you were not really interested and treated it as casually as he did. So in the end neither of you really treated this date with any seriousness or tact.
 
TSS
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Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2006 3:52 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:04 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 14):
I didn't have his number he had mine. In fact I didn't even know his last name. I wanted to call several times that week to let him know what was up but my telepathy beam wasn't strong enought to reach him without having a phone number.

I'm sorry to get all "Dad-like" on you, but were you actually thinking of getting in a car with someone who's last name you don't know and who's cell phone number you don't have?!?
There are a lot of psychos out there, and contrary to what the movies would have you believe most of them look and act quite normal. Be cautious and don't be a statistic.

Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 14):
B) it was a low key dinner with a couple of close friends who would understand if I had to leave suddenly.

That modifies my previous rant slightly, but not much.

Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 14):
Honestly, I was put on the spot, he caught me off guard and I thought I'd give it a chance even though my first impressions of him were lukewarm at best.

I suspected as much. I've been in the same situation more than once. Sometimes it works out okay, but more often than not it doesn't.
 
lincoln
Posts: 3133
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:22 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 8:31 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Am a jerk for bailing on him or is he a jerk for waiting until the last minute to call?

Gut reation: He's the jerk.

But then again I'm still single, so what the heck do I know.

I'm of the "people's time is a valuable resource that should not be wasted" / "in a polite society if you are merely 'on time' you are already late" mentatlity. If you hadn't heard squat from him before T-60, regardless of everything else I think it's more than a fair assumption that he was going to bail -- especially if he didn't even how how to get to where you were going to meet.
 
vikkyvik
Posts: 12736
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2003 1:58 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 8:42 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Am a jerk for bailing on him or is he a jerk for waiting until the last minute to call?

I would have bailed on him (or her as the case may be) as well.

Quoting IAirAllie (Thread starter):
Should I have just told him look the main reason I'm ditching you tonight is that you didn't bother to call until the very last minute?

Yes. But frankly, it doesn't much matter. If he didn't care enough to call you till 30 minutes before the event, then he probably doesn't much care why you can't go, either.

Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 2):
If I'm being completely honest I wasn't all that enthused about the date in the first place so it would be lying to say that I wanted to go out with him.

Eh. Oh well. It happens.

Quoting Luv2fly (Reply 16):
It only takes a minute to excuse yourself and return or take a call. It sounds from reading your posts you were not really interested and treated it as casually as he did. So in the end neither of you really treated this date with any seriousness or tact.

If he's not going to call until 30 minutes before on the day of, then I wouldn't blame her one bit for not taking his call. He had his chance, and he blew it.
 
Fly2HMO
Posts: 7184
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:14 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:04 pm

Well I'd say he's either too clumsy to call you throughout the week to begin with or he just was as "blah" about it as you were.

I like to be more of a gentleman though and even on my "blah" dates I at least check up with the lady a day in advance. It's just common courtesy.

Another mistake was not getting his number...

At any rate, you obviously know better than me, given how much you love to harass me in my own woman-problem threads  

[Edited 2009-01-12 13:12:00]
 
Superfly
Posts: 37705
Joined: Thu May 11, 2000 8:01 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Mon Jan 12, 2009 10:26 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 14):
I didn't have his number he had mine. In fact I didn't even know his last name. I wanted to call several times that week to let him know what was up but my telepathy beam wasn't strong enought to reach him without having a phone number.



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 14):
Several reasons why this is different.
A) the dinner location was closer to home
B) it was a low key dinner with a couple of close friends who would understand if I had to leave suddenly.
C) I could have my cell on at my friend's house and be available to take any emergency calls that is not so kosher at a classical music concert.



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 14):
My perception of the conversation was that yes we established we were going to the event together and that he would call to hammer out the details.

Ok, Ok, Ok, I'll let you off the hook this time.  Smile
Yes this guy could have handled it a lot better than he did.

Quoting TSS (Reply 17):
I'm sorry to get all "Dad-like" on you, but were you actually thinking of getting in a car with someone who's last name you don't know and who's cell phone number you don't have?!?
There are a lot of psychos out there, and contrary to what the movies would have you believe most of them look and act quite normal. Be cautious and don't be a statistic.

Girls do that with me all the time and I am not a psycho, am I?  Silly
 
iairallie
Topic Author
Posts: 2326
Joined: Thu May 20, 2004 5:42 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:54 am



Quoting TSS (Reply 17):
I'm sorry to get all "Dad-like" on you, but were you actually thinking of getting in a car with someone who's last name you don't know and who's cell phone number you don't have?!?

No, I actually wasn't, I was expecting to hear from him sooner to hammer out details. I was actually thinking I was going to meet him there (geographically it made more sense). Since he waited so long to call we never had that conversation. He goes to my church (which doesn't make him any less of a risk I know) I have mutal friends who all know him and saw him ask me out. They would have known who I was with. Thanks for your concern it is a scary world and it pays to be cautious.

Quoting Luv2fly (Reply 16):
It only takes a minute to excuse yourself and return or take a call

I was cooking at the stove litterally stirring something to keep it from burning while my friends were gathered around chatting when he called. Small appartment no where to go and I couldn't let the food alone. By the time the meal was done it would have been too late.

Personally, I hate it when I am with friends and they take a call. I belive in letting them leave a message and then calling back when I have time to devote my full attention to the person on the other line. The people physically present have dibs on my full attention.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 20):
At any rate, you obviously know better than me, given how much you love to harass me in my own woman-problem threads  

Glad you have a sense of humor about that. I'm not trying to harass you I just think your expectations and perceptions of women are skewed. Once you get that straightened out I think you will do just fine. You actually sound very sweet and earnest.
 
David L
Posts: 8551
Joined: Tue May 18, 1999 2:26 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 1:24 am



Quoting Vikkyvik (Reply 19):
Yes. But frankly, it doesn't much matter. If he didn't care enough to call you till 30 minutes before the event, then he probably doesn't much care why you can't go, either.

 checkmark  "I'm no expert but"... He messed you around and you weren't too enthusiastic about the date in the first place. Quite frankly, it doesn't really matter what reasons you gave. Just make sure that if something similar happens with a date you are interested in, you make it clear that you weren't sure it was still on and that you need more notice.

Oh yeah, and if you're discussing it face to face, flutter your eyelashes a lot. You lot can get away with anything when you do that.
 duck 
 
lincoln
Posts: 3133
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:22 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 1:57 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 22):
Personally, I hate it when I am with friends and they take a call. I belive in letting them leave a message and then calling back when I have time to devote my full attention to the person on the other line. The people physically present have dibs on my full attention.

 checkmark  It's one thing if you warn the friend/colleague that you're expecting a call ("I'm having my car looked at...") and then excuse yourself if/when that call comes ("excuse me/do you mind if I take this?" then wrap things up quickly), but its another and wholy inexcusable when you're mid conversation and you whip out your phone and start chatting away.

The subliminal message it sends is "you aren't important to me" / "I don't really care about you".

Same reason why when I'm with a client the phone is _always_ on vibrate and I _never_ answer the first call. The client is paying for my time and is the center of my universe during the time I'm with them; if it's imporant you leave a message and I call you back as soon as possible

One of my friends has the "three ring rule". If you call once and he doesn't answer he's busy; if it's important call twice and if he's not super busy he'll answer the 2nd call . If it's life-and-death, call 3 times.
 
Fly2HMO
Posts: 7184
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:14 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 2:31 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 22):

Glad you have a sense of humor about that. I'm not trying to harass you I just think your expectations and perceptions of women are skewed. Once you get that straightened out I think you will do just fine. You actually sound very sweet and earnest.

Aww thank you  blush  No hard feelings.  Smile


Anyways, wanna go out?  Wink Big grin
 
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Zkpilot
Posts: 4705
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 8:21 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:15 am



Quoting ZBBYLW (Reply 1):
I would have just been honest and be like, Hey look I did want to go out with you today but you never ended up calling me, I thought you had bailed on me.

 checkmark 
If he had said previously that he would pick you up before the event then maybe thats a different story but since he said he would call and didn't then thats his stupid fault. Once you explain this to him (if you actually do want to see him again that is) then its up to him to apologise and make it up to you. If he doesn't then don't waste your time!
 
iairallie
Topic Author
Posts: 2326
Joined: Thu May 20, 2004 5:42 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 5:33 am



Quoting TSS (Reply 17):
I'm sorry to get all "Dad-like" on you, but were you actually thinking of getting in a car with someone who's last name you don't know and who's cell phone number you don't have?!?

No, I actually wasn't, I was expecting to hear from him sooner to hammer out details. I was actually thinking I was going to meet him there (geographically it made more sense). Since he waited so long to call we never had that conversation. He goes to my church (which doesn't make him any less of a risk I know) I have mutal friends who all know him and saw him ask me out. They would have known who I was with. Thanks for your concern it is a scary world and it pays to be cautious.

Quoting Luv2fly (Reply 16):
It only takes a minute to excuse yourself and return or take a call

I was cooking at the stove litterally stirring something to keep it from burning while my friends were gathered around chatting when he called. Small appartment no where to go and I couldn't let the food alone. By the time the meal was done it would have been too late.

Personally, I hate it when I am with friends and they take a call. I belive in letting them leave a message and then calling back when I have time to devote my full attention to the person on the other line. The people physically present have dibs on my full attention.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 20):
At any rate, you obviously know better than me, given how much you love to harass me in my own woman-problem threads  

Glad you have a sense of humor about that. I'm not trying to harass you I just think your expectations and perceptions of women are skewed. Once you get that straightened out I think you will do just fine. You actually sound very sweet and earnest.
 
AKLDELNonstop
Posts: 323
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 5:04 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 5:54 am

Having gone through the whole thread, I think what you did was fine. That guy should have made a better effort to get in touch with you.

As a post earlier mentioned that, it might have been because you were probably not his first choice for the evening anyway.

Having said that there is every possibility that the guy might have had a genuine reason, but in that case he will probably try to clarify that with you.

Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 22):
Personally, I hate it when I am with friends and they take a call. I belive in letting them leave a message and then calling back when I have time to devote my full attention to the person on the other line. The people physically present have dibs on my full attention.

 checkmark  I'd ask you out just for that reason alone Big grin
 
iairallie
Topic Author
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:10 am



Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 25):
Anyways, wanna go out?   

I'm a little old for you... but if you call me to confirm details at least 24 hours out it's on.
Uh oh! TSS is going to dad-hat me for picking up anetters online if I say that.
 
Fly2HMO
Posts: 7184
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 7:54 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 29):
I'm a little old for you...

Pfsh!! We'll deal with the technicalities later. Gimme your digits. NOW.

Too old? nah... I'm 24.5 years. My personal limit is +10 years so we're good. I have dated a couple of 30+ year olds before. I can handle your age group. Kinda. Usually. I think  cheeky 

Question is, could you handle me?  mischievous   devil 

Plus, they say experience comes with age...  Wink  duck 
 
TSS
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:00 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 29):
Uh oh! TSS is going to dad-hat me for picking up anetters online if I say that.

No, I won't. I will, however, question the wisdom of initiating a relationship with someone who has been very open and honest (frequently in almost frightening detail) about his arguably self-inflicted wounds from past relationships.

But hey, I'm an optimist. You two might just make a great couple. As the saying goes, "The person who never did anything wrong never did anything at all"... and sometimes right and wrong aren't as clear-cut as we'd like for them to be.  Big grin
 
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MillwallSean
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:23 am

Answering the phone when he called was perhaps not possible even though you still sound like a bit chicken to me.
Its not like you couldn't wait wait five, ten minutes or what it takes to cook the food and then excuse yourself and hit the bathroom. You can always call from bathrooms.

So my assumption was that you took the easy way out and didn't call the lad by choice.

Never mind that move on to greener pastures
Just don't do one of those things you always will regret ie call him when you're drunk and excuse yourself.
 
iairallie
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:23 pm



Quoting TSS (Reply 31):
No, I won't. I will, however, question the wisdom of initiating a relationship with someone who has been very open and honest (frequently in almost frightening detail) about his arguably self-inflicted wounds from past relationships.

I'm actually in the process of initiating a relationship with a really great guy in my hometown (he calls me on a regular basis, BONUS) so while I'm not off the market officially but I am preoccupied with trying to make something work there. And like many gals I prefer my guys older by at least a few years. So, FLYTOHMO I guess it is not in the cards for us.

Quoting MillwallSean (Reply 32):
Answering the phone when he called was perhaps not possible even though you still sound like a bit chicken to me.

Fair enough I will freely admit I have a hard time saying no thanks. I hate doing the rejecting and I often take the coward route. I could have chosen to call him back after the text the next day but I chose to just avoid him altogether instead.
 
WellHung
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:24 pm

You are a jerk because you texted instead of calling back, especially when you made plans with that person a week earlier. I don't care who you are with - that is poor form. How many times do you expect him to reconfirm?

He is a jerk because if he wanted some of that sweet, sweet action, he should have called no later than the day before to tell you what's up.

But I have a feeling that you would have found a reason to flake anyway. And now you don't want someone to think you're a jerk and are looking for some validation here. Well, no matter what the people say here, he thinks you're a jerk.
 
vikkyvik
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:41 pm



Quoting WellHung (Reply 34):
You are a jerk because you texted instead of calling back, especially when you made plans with that person a week earlier. I don't care who you are with - that is poor form.

Personally, I think that form actually is perfectly valid, given that he didn't call her until 30 minutes before their supposed meeting time.

Hell, I probably would have already made other plans by then, if I was expecting to hear from someone and never heard from them.

You reap what you sow, or however that saying goes.

Quoting WellHung (Reply 34):
But I have a feeling that you would have found a reason to flake anyway. And now you don't want someone to think you're a jerk and are looking for some validation here. Well, no matter what the people say here, he thinks you're a jerk.

Why, exactly, does his opinion matter? The dude decided not to call at a reasonable interval, for whatever reason. His opinion should be relegated to the trash heap.
 
WellHung
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RE: Date Etiquette

Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:50 pm



Quoting Vikkyvik (Reply 35):
Personally, I think that form actually is perfectly valid, given that he didn't call her until 30 minutes before their supposed meeting time.

Hell, I probably would have already made other plans by then, if I was expecting to hear from someone and never heard from them.

You reap what you sow, or however that saying goes.

Texting to break a date is classless. If the other person doesn't hold up their end of the deal, there is no reaon to stoop to their level unless you want to be held in the same regard.

Quoting Vikkyvik (Reply 35):
Why, exactly, does his opinion matter? The dude decided not to call at a reasonable interval, for whatever reason. His opinion should be relegated to the trash heap.

The person started this thread because she doesn't want someone who she doesn't care about to think she's a jerk. Or she knows he thinks she's a jerk and wants validation that she is not. You will have to ask her why his opinion matters.
 
WunalaYann
Posts: 2128
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RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:43 am

General comments:


1) I would have asked for his number. It is my personal preference, but I dislike giving out my number and not getting one in return. I believe it is a two-way street. If she (in my case) does not like it, then obviously the "relationship" does not start on the right foot.

2) Rude and inconsiderate of him not to call you not just the day before the date but maybe a couple of days after he asked you out. Better yet, if I were him, I would have texted you my number immediately, and then called you a couple of days before the date to confirm/arrange details.

3) If I were you, I would have been been straightforward, even more so since you had a very valid reason to "cancel" - he was rude and inconsiderate not to call you in advance, therefore you got on with life. Simple.

4) If I were you again, I would avoid putting myself in complicated situations such as going on a date with someone while you are trying to get a relationship going with someone else. Or did I get the timing wrong? Did you start the "relationship with the bloke in your hometown" after the failure of the date with the guy who called you 30 minutes before the date? Or at the same time?

 

[Edited 2009-01-13 19:45:27]
 
iairallie
Topic Author
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RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:23 am

Timing is slightly off. However, I believe that we tend to date too exclusively too soon in today's culture. People either hook up once or immediately start being serious. Whatever happened to casual dating with a variety of people and waiting a bit to get serious or exclusive?
 
WunalaYann
Posts: 2128
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 12:55 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:10 am



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 38):

Point taken. Although in your own words, you are "in the process of initiating a relationship with a really great guy", which generally indicates something more serious than casual dating. I must have misinterpreted your wording.

Otherwise, I see no problem with multiple casual dating as long as the rules are clear. In my case, that involves not having sex with the "multiple dates". The moment I jump into bed with one, then I will have a chat with the other and "terminate" the dating.

Unless the other indicates that she would like to have sex with both the other girl and me at the same time.  devil 
 
iairallie
Topic Author
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RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:11 am

No no LOL nothing physical yet (not even a lil'smooch action). I agree once one enters that phase the ground rules change. He's just someone I've got my eye on.
 
RussianJet
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RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:15 am



Quoting WunalaYann (Reply 39):
Unless the other indicates that she would like to have sex with both the other girl and me at the same time. devil

Does the first girl get a say in that as well though?  stirthepot 
 
UH60FtRucker
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RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:36 am

Solution to all problems, date-wise:

Stick it in her butt.
 
Fly2HMO
Posts: 7184
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:14 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:38 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 33):
So, FLYTOHMO I guess it is not in the cards for us.

Oh the pain! The agony!  cry 

Truth be told though, I'm too good for you anyways  snooty   Wink

Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 33):
I hate doing the rejecting and I often take the coward route.

THAT is something you HAVE to fix ASAP. Many self respecting guys like myself don't tolerate that. It makes things on our side way way more difficult to be guessing what are the woman's intentions because for all we know, she's playing hard to catch, when in reality we're being blown off or whatever. PLEASE be honest with us guys. My ex took the coward route, and you know how that messed me up very well from my other threads. Not to mention the fact that I want to slit her throat. Wait, I didn't just say that, did I?  angel 
 
vikkyvik
Posts: 12736
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2003 1:58 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:44 pm



Quoting WellHung (Reply 36):
Texting to break a date is classless. If the other person doesn't hold up their end of the deal, there is no reaon to stoop to their level unless you want to be held in the same regard.

Point taken.

In my opinion, however, the date was already broken. Like I said earlier, if I were in that situation, I'd have made other plans already.

Quoting UH60FtRucker (Reply 42):
Solution to all problems, date-wise:

Stick it in her butt.

You know this thread was started by a woman, right?

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 43):
My ex took the coward route, and you know how that messed me up very well from my other threads. Not to mention the fact that I want to slit her throat.

Maybe she took the coward route because she thought you might want to slit her throat.... scratchchin 
 
RGElectra80
Posts: 423
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RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:48 pm



Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 43):
It makes things on our side way way more difficult to be guessing what are the woman's intentions because for all we know, she's playing hard to catch, when in reality we're being blown off or whatever.

Don't guess or play games then. If you call a girl and she blows you off or doesn't call back or whatever, don't bother, move on.
 
Fly2HMO
Posts: 7184
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:14 pm

RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:00 pm

Another huge pet peeve of mine I just thought about: DO NOT pull the "just friends" card on anybody UNLESS you truly, really mean it. While yes I'm sure 99% of us guys know that 99% of the time that means we're getting blown off, it falls under the cowardly category.

Quoting Vikkyvik (Reply 44):
Quoting UH60FtRucker (Reply 42):
Solution to all problems, date-wise:

Stick it in her butt.

You know this thread was started by a woman, right?

 rotfl 

Quoting RGElectra80 (Reply 45):
Don't guess or play games then. If you call a girl and she blows you off or doesn't call back or whatever, don't bother, move on.

Well now that I'm a bit less green I take the hint much more easily. But I just much much rather have a girl say "no thanks" in a civilized manner. But that's just me.
 
DCrawley
Posts: 328
Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 3:18 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:08 pm



Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 38):
Whatever happened to casual dating with a variety of people and waiting a bit to get serious or exclusive?

That's pretty much the only way I fly at this point. I refuse to hop into a serious relationship at this point in my life, I'm much to selfish. So, my solution is to casually date.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 43):
THAT is something you HAVE to fix ASAP. Many self respecting guys like myself don't tolerate that. It makes things on our side way way more difficult to be guessing what are the woman's intentions because for all we know, she's playing hard to catch, when in reality we're being blown off or whatever.

You are correct when you say many self-respecting guys don't tolerate it: WE MOVE ON! If a woman's playing games, GET OUT. Seriously, there is a big difference between hard-to-catch and being blown off.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 43):
My ex took the coward route, and you know how that messed me up very well from my other threads. Not to mention the fact that I want to slit her throat.

You need to let that go. Holding on to those feelings will do you absolutely no good in any part of your life. Trust me, I was there at one point in my life. Making a statement like "I want to slit her throat" really shows your level of emotional maturity. LET IT GO! Your life will improve SO much if you can move on. Dwelling on the past will NOT change it.
 
jamincan
Posts: 589
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:28 am

RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:51 pm



Quoting WellHung (Reply 36):
Texting to break a date is classless. If the other person doesn't hold up their end of the deal, there is no reaon to stoop to their level unless you want to be held in the same regard.

I agree, and you aren't doing yourself any favours either. As far as the guy is concerned, you're the woman who broke off the date 30min beforehand and offered some lame excuse about your mothers knee and your dogs. That's not to say that him calling 30min beforehand is acceptable, clearly it's not. He was either clueless, or playing games and either way, you were right in breaking things off. Nevertheless, you should have called back in a few minutes when you had a chance and told him upfront that you had expected him to call and made alternate plans when he neglected to do so. If you found the time to text message him, you surely could have called him instead. Passing off excuses (true or otherwise) is just leading him on and that is either classless or cowardly.
 
dragon6172
Posts: 1142
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RE: Date Etiquette

Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:24 pm

Have to have a little faith in that woman's intuition. You were lukewarm about the date to begin with, and he gave a pretty blaring reason to be lukewarm when there is no contact until 30 mins prior. First dates can not be taken so lightly, and he should have given a call at least a day prior to the event to hammer out details. Also, he should have offered his number to you even if you did not ask for it. Two way communication is key in a relationship, and starting off without it is not good form.

Quoting IAirAllie (Reply 22):
Personally, I hate it when I am with friends and they take a call. I belive in letting them leave a message and then calling back when I have time to devote my full attention to the person on the other line. The people physically present have dibs on my full attention.

Totally agree on this. My only comments on your response to him is that the more direct approach would have been better. "I'm sorry but when I did not hear from you I made other plans". While it is not your job to teach this fella etiquette, I am sure the rest of the female population would appreciate it. And, I would say the more direct approach would keep him from asking you out again in the future.

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