A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

---------

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository...it's up to you!"

How do you hurt Lady GaGa?

Quoting Swiftski (Reply 1): How do you hurt Lady GaGa?

Poker Face!!!

2 blondes walk into a building.

You think one of them would have seen it!

*****************************************************

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said , "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back
and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... "Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

I've just been on the phone to the NHS help line to find out more about swine flu. But all I'm getting is crackling.

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says "I've got a problem and I really need your help".
He asks what the problem is.
She replies "I really need to get petrol, and I'm scared of catching swine flu!"
He says "You silly cow! Its in Mexico, not bloody Texaco!"

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 6): The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

:D   now thats smooth!

Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 6): The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

  

The only time you have to much fuel is when you're on fire.

They said pigs would fly before the US had a black president. After Obama's 100 days, pigs flu.

Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 6): The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

I might have to try this in a bar....

What do you call a smart blonde?

- A golden retriever   

Why did God give women 2 more IQ points than cows?

So they don't pi$$ on the floor when you play with their...

Can I get a flame suit, please? Extra crispy.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?


One you can smash to a million pieces with a hammer and the other's a watermelon.


What's black and at the top of the stairs?



A paraplegic in a house fire.      



A baby seal walks into a club......  

Three blonds get into an elevator, suddenly the elevator comes to a halt and the lights go out.

First they try and call for help by using their mobile phones… but no luck. The phone's have no signal.

After a couple of hours being stuck with no sign of help, one blond says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by shouting together."

The others agree, and they take a deep breath and begin to shout "Together, together, together."

A man calls his wife and says "Hey hon! They just released the Olympic condoms! I'll be bringing home the gold tonight!"

His wife replies "Bring home the silver, and come second for a change!"

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ..... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Husband to his wife: Honey, I can't fall asleep...How about we have sex??

Wife's Reply: MotherF-----, what makes you think that my vagina is full of sleeping pills??


----------


Prostitute asked Plastic Surgeon to make another hole for her.
Surgeon was surprised and asked why?
She answered: Business is good, so opening a new branch!

----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies, Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh--! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'

The woman yelled back, "Yeah??? Then why were you running.... you Son of a B---- !!"

And that folks.... that is how the fight started.

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts," and are things people actually said


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________ _________ __ ____________ _________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _ ____________ _________ __ __________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ ________ ____________ ____


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________ _______ ____________ _________ ___


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

____________ ______ ____________ _________ __


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________ _____ ____________ _________ ______


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________ ____ ____________ _________ _______


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

____________ ___ ____________ _________ _


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ __ ____________ _________ ___


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

____________ _ ____________ _________ _______


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____________ ____________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

___________ ____________ _________ _________ ___


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

__________ ____________ _________ _______

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..


This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

================================================================

BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
==========================================

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings
are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.
===========================================================

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennessians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

========================================================


An old man goes into a drug store and says
'Can I have 6 Viagra tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

============================================================








Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.




The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know!
=====================================================

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
===============================================

A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fu**ing party, you're lucky you don't bark!
==============================================================

Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 6): A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

I have heard this one before but the confident man is James Bond and it is implied that the watch is one of his new gadgets made by Q.

Here is my joke.

A man is hanging out with his paraplegic friend at his house when his friend asks him to go upstairs to get his slippers because his feet are cold.

The man goes upstairs and on the way to his friends room he peaks into his friend's 18 year ols daughter's room and sees her and her best friend pillow fighting naked. He walks into the room and says to the daughter that "Your father sent me up here to have sex with both of you." The daughter replies "I don't believe you." So the man yells down to his friend, "Do you want me to get both of them!!"

No SEX since 1955.....

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of idealistic, young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be in an extremely serious mood. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action?"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?

"1955," he replied.

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955??!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 11): - A golden retriever

Another great one, Phoenix!

Quoting Don81603 (Reply 19): Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennessians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

        

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Scroll Down. --->























<----- Scroll Up.

[Edited 2009-05-12 21:38:04]

Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives.
Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night."
"Well, really," says Bob. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"

----------


One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.

"You have been porking my wives," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful chief.

"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."

"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."

-----------

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other so no sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

--------------------

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

--------------------

(Caution, this one has foul language, not for minors or anyone offended by swearing)
There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

--------------------

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

That's all for now, folks!
Nik

I better put on my flamesuit and bulletproof vest before posting this:


Question. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer. None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.               

Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 18):

I’m so getting that book!

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful am I for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

-----------------------

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked.

"We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

[Edited 2009-05-18 10:15:43]

Quoting Swiftski (Reply 1): How do you hurt Lady GaGa?

Quoting Swiftski (Reply 1): Poker Face!!!

Rofl! I love that one.

How do you make her happy again?

Just Dance

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Big Bad Wolf said
"I'll Huff and I'll puff and I'll Blow Your House Down"

And The little Piggy replied
"Fuck Off or I'll Sneeze On You!!"

JG  

An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Yorkshireman are discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Italian says, "When I've-a finshed-a makin' da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats-a da 6 inches above-a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The Yorkshireman says, "That's nothing! When I've finished fookin' my missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my di*k clean on the curtains. She hits the fookin' roof!"

Not so much a joke but really made me laugh....It is long but worth it...

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Finish laundry, fix dinner, have a glass of wine, e-mail the grandkids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours. 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet before I go to bed'

So I headed to the site of my demise 'the bathroom'. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax...all you do is just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or whatever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss....how hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I can follow directions and I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK !?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius 'kicks in' so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, 'Yeah right') I Lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

IT WORKS!   O.K., so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't tooooo bad. I can do this, I say to myself with a proud smile. Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am SHE-RA, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of the smooth skin (Extraordinaire)!

With my next strip I move north. I prep for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretch down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.......RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY OH MY!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the Strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted with bright stars. I think I may pass out...M U S T S t a y C O n S c I O U S...... M U S t- S t a y...... Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe ____ _______ ______ O.K..... Back to normal! I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There is NO hair on it!!!

Where is the hair???

W H E R E I S T H E W A X ?????

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... IT'S NOT! I touch--- I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

I found the Hair... I found the WAX!!! Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... IT'S NOT! I touch--- I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

I found the Hair... I found the WAX!!!

Then I make the next BIG mistake....remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut!!! My butt is sealed shut!!! SEALED SHUT !@!#*! (not even air can get in there)! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself.

P L E A S E-- PLEASE don't let me get the urge to poop! ..... 'My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax? WHAT MELTS WAX? My brain is scrambling. HOT WATER!!! Hot water melts wax. I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub... Get in. I immerse the wax covered parts and the wax should just melt and then I can gently wipe it off, right? Yeah that will work!

WRONG!!!

I get in the tub, the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water!!! Which, by the way........ doesn't melt cold wax!!! So - now, I am stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!!

God bless my adult kids who had convinced me a few months ago to bring my cell phone everywhere, even to the bathroom!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter....'So my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub! There is a slight pause....she doesn't know any secret tricks for hair removal under water but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the
wax is located. She says are we talking cheeks or hole or ho o-ha?' She is laughing out loud by now... I can hear her!!! There is no shame in her disregard for my pain ...she is rolling over with laughter. ....I wait. I give her the run down and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!! I say .. I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various possible solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.

N O T H I N G feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in cold wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub, in scalding hot water, and then - try dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I am pretty sure I am going to need 'Post Traumatic Stress' counselling for this event. My friend is still talking with me and then I finally see my saving grace...THE BOX.. .the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax! What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY -- OH - OH MOMMASITTA !!@*! The scream probably woke my husband and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. It feels like an earthquake is forcing my flesh apart. IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up laughing while trying to sound soulfully sincere. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair......THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.. ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color..................

Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 18): These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts," and are things people actually said

My favorite one from there . . .

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


Recently, The Denver Post held a pun contest. I entered ten puns in the contest, thinking that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Texan

Quoting Texan (Reply 33): Recently, The Denver Post held a pun contest. I entered ten puns in the contest, thinking that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Thats too bad...lets hear (read) 'em here...

Quoting Texan (Reply 33): Recently, The Denver Post held a pun contest. I entered ten puns in the contest, thinking that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

That was BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!   

Quoting NWADC9 (Reply 35): Quoting Texan (Reply 33): Recently, The Denver Post held a pun contest. I entered ten puns in the contest, thinking that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. That was BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!! knockout

A wise man once said: "The worse the reaction; the better the pun." In other words, this pun: ROCKED!  And how nice coming from a fellow Texan.  

Quoting KAUST (Reply 36): A wise man once said: "The worse the reaction; the better the pun." In other words, this pun: ROCKED! Big grin And how nice coming from a fellow Texan. Smile

You shouldn't have encouraged me  

Police today said that convicted mob hitman Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClellan confessed to once beating a cow to death in a rice field using nothing but two small porcelain figures. The police commissioner said he believes this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.


Rudolph the Reindeer died today in the skies over Barcelona. He was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses said that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

Texan

Ray dies and finds himself before the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Marcus replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman.
Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. Russell replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride up to a local tavern, and hitch the horses outside. The Lone ranger notices the horses seem a bit over heated, and asks Tonto to run around them, fanning them with a small blanket to cool them off. 5 minutes later a cowboy walks in, and asks "Who rides that filthy white horse out yonder?"
The Lone Ranger wheels around and replies "That's my horse! What's your problem?"
"No problem", the cowboy replies. "You just left your injun running."

     

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring."

Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio are walking together and they come upon a town and they see a sign that says "Beauty Contest. Winner gets $1000". So Snow White says "I have a shot at this. After all, I'm the fairest in the land". About an hour later, sure enough, she comes back waving a $1000 check.

So the threesome comes upon the next town and they see another sign that says "Strongest Man Contest. Winner gets $1000." Superman says "I'm more powerful than a locomotive. I have a chance at this." About an hour later, sure enough, Superman comes back waving a $1000 check.

So they then come upon the third town. And they see a sign "Lying Contest. Winner gets $1000." Pinocchio says "Well I think I have a shot at this. After all, with my nose, it's easy to tell when I'm lying."

About ten minutes later, Pinocchio comes back, all pissed off and says "Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?"   

Q. What is the ultimate rejection?

A. When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

----------

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"

The dad thinks for a second, "Of course son, we're a family."

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

------------------------
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny ?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

-------------------------

[Edited 2009-06-03 20:22:32]

One of the best jokes I"ve ever come across. It deserves a separate mention of its own.


Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear, "Your sister has a tighter twat than you", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

From the tabletop RPG community, the saga of the Dread Gazebo:

...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.

Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.

ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?

ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.

ERIC: How far away is it?

ED: About 50 yards.

ERIC: How big is it?

ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.

ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.

ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.

ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.

ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.

ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?

ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?

ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.

ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?

ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!

ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!

ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!

ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.

ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.

ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy knoll.

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