One day a man returns home from work to find his wife in bed with another man with his head between her breasts. He cries, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" The young man replied, "Listening to music." The husband pushes the man aside and puts his head between her breast and listens. "I don't hear any music!" says the husband. To which the man replies, "Your not plugged in."

--------------

So an Irish guy walks out of a bar........

  Yeah, I know. Corny, stupid and offensive to our Irish friends but hey, I'm of Irish decent so HA!

Lady loves Tofu so much she wants it on her License Plate, so she goes to the DMV to pay the fee to get it, however they refuse it.

ILVTOFU

(True story)

A bunch of Psychiatrist/Psychologist/Schizophrenic jokes

--------------------

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?

--------------------

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

--------------------

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

--------------------

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

--------------------

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello."
The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."

--------------------

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.
The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!"
The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"

--------------------

Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.

--------------------

What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
You're never alone.

--------------------

What's the worst thing about schizophrenia?
Paying more than once for everything.

--------------------

A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity
problem..... So do I."

--------------------

Statistically every 2 in 1 people are schizophrenic.

--------------------

Yesterday, the doctor said: "You have Schizophrenia."
Obviously, we were shocked.

--------------------

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

--------------------

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

--------------------

Man alone in Psychiatrist waiting room.......
"What are you here for?"
"I'm a schizophrenic"
"So am I , that makes four of us!"

--------------------

A dyslexic walks into a bra ...

Quoting Golfradio (Reply 4): A dyslexic walks into a bra ...

What do you get when you have a dyslexic who is agnostic and suffers from insomnia?

A guy who stays awake all night wondering about the existence of Dog.

Three guys are standing at the bar wanking. "What are you doing???!!" asks the bar girl. They point to a sign on the wall behind her - first come first served.

FOR SALE GREAT PRICE ALMOST A GIVE AWAY !!!!!

AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE
Cabinet for Sale - details below

Features

Fine timber details
4 leadlight options
4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
Halogen down lights
Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom.
To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:

Rugby League World Cup
Rugby Union World Cup
International Rules Trophy
Tri Nations Trophy
Super-12 Trophy
Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
Davis Cup
Hockey World Championship Trophy
Various Cricket Trophy's
Ashes
Bledisloe Cup.
2008-2009 SA / Aust Cricket Tests
2009 SA/Australia One Day Series
All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.

To make an offer call R Stuart, R Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented "...the Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"

They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT


WrenchBender

Apple Computer announced today a new product:

A computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
--------
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
--------
One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman.

With that, she reached over and un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Halo' said the Scotsman, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scottish whiskey' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the cast-away replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the Gods!' stated the Scotsman. 'Tis truly fantastic...!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed... 'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!


WrenchBender

I know it is a joke thread, but I myself am Schizophrenic, and like ALL Schizophrenics, I have only one personality. And yes I am offended by this, we have seen far too much of this crap as it is. Thanks for spreading it. Sheesh.  

Mother Superior wa talking to the rest of the nuns. "We have a case of Chalmydia in the convent."

One elderly Nun at the back replies "I hope it's better than the Chardonnay we had last week."

-------------

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves claimed they weren't Happy.

------------

The three dolls in a man's life:
1. His daughter - "Baby Doll"
2. His mistress - "Barbie Doll"
3. His Wife - "Panadol"

Quoting KAUST (Reply 9):

For what it's worth, I think there are plenty of jokes/humor out there that can be posted without having to offend someone somewhere. I'm sure people can do better than what's posted here.

Quoting KAUST (Reply 9): I know it is a joke thread, but I myself am Schizophrenic, and like ALL Schizophrenics, I have only one personality. And yes I am offended by this, we have seen far too much of this crap as it is. Thanks for spreading it. Sheesh.

Sorry, Kaust if I've offended you or anyone else!
Feel free reporting to mods and deleting them.

Kind regards,
Fatmir

Received this one from an American friend. I will erase names so i do not get into big problems.


Why our country is in trouble

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a xxxxxx Congresswoman (xxxxxxxx) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a xxxxx Congressman's (xxxx) staffer (xxxxxx), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa "
his response -- click.

3. A senior xxxxxx Congressman (xxxxxxx) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (xxxxxxx) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member ( xxxxxx) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An xxxxx Congresswoman (xxxxxx) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A xxxxxx lawmaker, (xxxxxx) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator xxxx aide (xxxxxx) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, xxxxx from xxx who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator xxxxxxxx
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. xxxxxxxx. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A xxxxxx Congressman (xxxxxx) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
As a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
He sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
Funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
Kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
First, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
House. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
Her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
You might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A man is driving down the highway when he see's a sign.

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parki ng lot is a stone building with a small sign next to th e
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who ask s, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'


He puts $100 in the cu p, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN F**KED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 13):

No one would get in trouble, thats an old joke just reworked from calls made to travel agents.

How come, when your wife is pregnant, all her friends rub her tummy and say congratulations, but none of them rub your cock and say well done !

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Tom.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Barb. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Barb to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Barb.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Tom

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Tom died suddenly on Septemebr 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Barb was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Tom, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

---------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished,and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of b oth Prozic and Val u m scriptins, the res s of the Chesescke an a box a choclits. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel l . , [eas sen dis on to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr PISS .........


WrenchBender

Quoting KAUST (Reply 9): I know it is a joke thread, but I myself am Schizophrenic, and like ALL Schizophrenics, I have only one personality. And yes I am offended by this, we have seen far too much of this crap as it is. Thanks for spreading it. Sheesh. Yeah sure

Quoting 757GB (Reply 11): For what it's worth, I think there are plenty of jokes/humor out there that can be posted without having to offend someone somewhere. I'm sure people can do better than what's posted here.

Quoting YVRtoYYZ (Reply 19): Which one of you is speaking?

Ouch!!!      

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 20):

Good to see you smiling...

Four Catholic men and an atheist were having coffee.

And, this is how the conversation went:

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Holiness'.

Since the atheist was sipping his coffee in silence, the four men give him a subtle, 'Well...?'

He replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, pretty, tall and 36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, ....... 'OH, GOD' !!

Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 22):

That's a good one! haha.

I dont know if this is the right place to post this, but AF announced a fleet-wide aircraft exterior cleaning programme today.

        

A man dies and goes to heaven. Upon his arrival, he notices there is a mysterious door which is never open. After a few days St. Peter comes by to see how he's settling in, and the man says "Everything is great, but I just have to ask: where does that door lead?"
St. Peter answers "That is the door to hell," but doesn't offer any further explanation.
After a few weeks, the curiosity gets the better of him, and the man again approaches St. Peter.
"St. Peter, I can't stand it, I have to see the other side of that door!"
St. Peter answers "God knew that this would happen, so He has arranged everything for you. You are to have a personal tour of hell, guided by Satan himself. However, you must realize that upon your return to heaven, you can never go through that door again. If you do, you will have to stay in hell for all eternity."
The man agrees, and waits with bated breath for his tour of hell. Finally the day arrives, and St. Peter takes him to the door and lets him through. Satan and several minions greet the man and usher him into a fine club where a huge party is taking place. The man is given a fine Italian suit, Cuban cigars, single malt scotch, pure cocaine, the best pot...you name it, it's offered to him and he accepts. He spends the entire night drinking and gambling with Satan, having a great time. Finally, his allotted time is over and he has to return to heaven. Satan himself sees the man off.
Several weeks go by, and the man is getting bored with the usual routine in heaven. He informs St. Peter that he's decided to cross into hell, to spend eternity partying with Satan. St. Peter acquiesces, and takes the man to the door. As soon as he enters hell, he is seized by a horde of demons, his skin is stripped, and molten lead is poured all over him. The man cries out "But Satan, why, why are you doing this to me? I thought we were pals!"
Satan answers: "My dear fellow, you have to understand: Tourism is one thing, but immigration is quite another!"

After a long life, Peyton Manning dies a peaceful death and goes to heaven. Once he gets to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter who shows him to his new home in heaven. It's a modest size home painted in Colts blue and white with a small Indianapolis Colts flag flying from the front. Peyton is pleased. A few days later, however, he is walking around a sees a huge mansion painted New York Giants blue with Giants banners in the windows and has HUGE New York Giants flag flying a 100 foot flag pole. Peyton then seeks out St. Peter and asks "St. Pete, I don't mean to complain, but how come Eli and I both won a Super Bowl and received the MVP, yet Eli gets a much bigger house than me?" St. Peter than replies "Peyton, that is not Eli's house. That is God's house".   

A baby seal walks into a club......



  

A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...seems she can't get them to turn red.

She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door has a garden full of big red tomatoes.

She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."

This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next few days standing nude in her garden.

A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...

"have your tomatoes turned red?"

"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."

There once was an Eskimo who, while fishing around the Aelutian Islands in his kayak, shivered for the cold. Too impatient to wait to get back to shore, he built a fire in the middle of his kayak. Within a few minutes, a hole was burned through the keel and the boat quickly sank. The Eskimo was barely able to swim to shore in the gelid water. Once he pulled himself onto dry land, he shivered and said to himself: "I guess that proves it. You can't have your kayak and heat it too!" 

A man mulled over the menu at a diner. When the waitress asked him what he wanted to eat, he said, "I suppose I'll have the eggs benedict." A seraphic smile crept over the waitress's face, "Oh, you'll love the hollandaise sauce that we smother the eggs and bacon with, sir." "Fine, fine," the man responded contentedly. Several minutes later the waitress returned with the meal. When she placed it in front of the man, he looked with surprise at the plate that the food was served on. "What's this?!" the man gasped, "You serve your food in a hubcap?" "Oh no, sir," she replied, "we only serve the eggs benedict in a hubcap. The other meals are served on regular plates. "Why is that?" the man asked incredulously. "Well, sir, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"   

  

[Edited 2009-09-25 07:02:17]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

What's that mean? asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 13): Received this one from an American friend. I will erase names so i do not get into big problems.

Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 13): Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB? YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around

Um you are pretty gullible if you believe these things were actually said by US lawmakers. This joke has been around for ever the lawmaker twist is new though.

BRITISH SURVEY

A recent survey in the United Kingdom asked
the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answer:

38% said: YES

62% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شنط

Quoting OA260 (Reply 34):

ROLFMAO!!

MIAspotter

Quoting OA260 (Reply 34): BRITISH SURVEY A recent survey in the United Kingdom asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now? Answer: 38% said: YES 62% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شنط

  

معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شنط = World Security Institute BOIS! Bags
using google translate ofc 

Petros was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his of life, had saved all of his money and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.Just before he died, he said to his Greek wife... "Voula, when I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."And so he persuaded Voula to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. Petros was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there - dressed in black,(what else) and her best friend Tasia, was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket,the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"Voula put a small metal box into the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away... So her friend said, "Voula!, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with him!.

""Listen" Voula said, "I'm a Greek Orthodox wife & I cannot go back on my word. I promised Petros that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You are telling me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."AMEN!

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you bitch.” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. “I've asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I'll give you a slap.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard.”

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In Britain: A Royal Air Force pilot returned to active duty after getting sex change surgery to become a woman. There were no problems in the air. But for some reason—after landing—the pilot no longer knew how to parallel park the plane.

Quoting LH459 (Reply 25): Satan answers: "My dear fellow, you have to understand: Tourism is one thing, but immigration is quite another!"

Ouch, sounds like the NPD and Neo-Nazis here in Germany.   

This was actually sent to me by one of my Pakistani Muslim friends !!

Quoting Aero145 (Reply 39): Ouch, sounds like the NPD and Neo-Nazis here in Germany.

That joke actually originated in Latin America. I first heard it in Spanish. Seems you took the punch-line out of context?

The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her"

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?'"

The man replied, "Get in line."

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Quoting LH459 (Reply 42): That joke actually originated in Latin America. I first heard it in Spanish. Seems you took the punch-line out of context?

Well I never said it originated from the neo-Nazis, this ist just an attitude many neo-Nazis have.
If I took the punch-line out of context, it would be nice to see how I did it. I just cannot see it myself - one cannot learn from one’s mistakes, when one doesn’t know one did a mistake.  

D

Australian rugby scrum practice.

Two rednecks getting divorced, final hearing at the courts.
As the judge finally declares the divorce valid in law, the wife, Charlene, starts bawling her eyes out.
Her now ex husband Billy Bob snorts, what in hell is up with you girl? We'll still be cousins!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

"Done!" Replies the official.