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signol
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Oct 10, 2009 3:45 pm

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five pounds for?"

Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you". He said, "Screw him. Give him five pounds."

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
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OA260
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Mon Oct 12, 2009 8:22 pm

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let it go Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:

Dave .................................,

Dave.................................,


YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN !
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Mon Oct 12, 2009 8:27 pm

A middle-aged couple, Joanne and Bob, moved to Texas. Bob had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"

Joanne looked him over. "Nope" she said.

Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Joanne, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Joanne looked up and exclaimed, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, Joanne?"

"Nope", she replied.

IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

Without changing her expression, Joanne replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. You shoulda bought a hat."

[Edited 2009-10-12 13:29:44]
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Oct 18, 2009 3:20 am

A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
Fly2HMO
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Oct 18, 2009 3:25 am

Lots of good gems here Big grin

Found this, sounds retarded at first but I busted up in the end:

 
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WildcatYXU
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:33 am



Quoting Aero145 (Reply 39):
Quoting LH459 (Reply 25):
Satan answers: "My dear fellow, you have to understand: Tourism is one thing, but immigration is quite another!"

Ouch, sounds like the NPD and Neo-Nazis here in Germany
. sarcastic

Bullshit. It ha nothing to do with neo-nazis. The sad part is that it's not even a joke. Pure truth. Believe me. I've experienced it first hand.
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elbandgeek
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Oct 18, 2009 6:41 am

My friend from back in high school band told me this the other day.

3 guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says to them they need to tell him how much money they made last year and what their job was. After that he would decide their fate.
First guy goes up and says "I made $65,000 as a high school principal." St. Peter says "Ok, you can go in."
Second guy says "I made $55,000 as a small time lawyer." Again, St. Peter contemplates and eventually decides "Ok, you can go in."
Third guys walks up and says "I made $8,000...." but before he could finish, St. Peter excitedly responds "Oh cool, what instrument do you play?"
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Oct 18, 2009 3:39 pm

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
Fly2HMO
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Wed Oct 21, 2009 3:28 am

This is soooo wrong  rotfl 

 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Wed Oct 21, 2009 3:37 am

A man was in a long line at Target.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

"Cleanup, Register 5"
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
YVRLTN
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Wed Oct 21, 2009 3:38 am

Hmm, to post this before or after this weekend......  scratchchin 

Ontario Judge makes unprecedented ruling

Another case of truth being stranger than fiction...

TORONTO, ONTARIO (CP) OCT.13,2009
A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the center of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents & the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents & he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family & learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references & confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Oct 24, 2009 12:03 am

A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair either way.”
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Oct 29, 2009 3:26 pm

Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 5:17 pm

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl.

They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time.

She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.

He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"


Edited to remove a previously posted joke.

[Edited 2009-11-05 09:57:43]
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
WrenchBender
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 5:34 pm



Quoting WrenchBender (Reply 8):
Apple Computer announced today a new product:

A computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Can't be original anymore Phoenix9 ?

WrenchBender
Silly Pilot, Tricks are for kids.......
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 5:56 pm

Quoting WrenchBender (Reply 64):

Can't be original anymore Phoenix9 ?

Oops! Sorry...didn't see that it was already posted. I've edited my post  

...and here's another:

A couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?", asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.. but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at The bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey.. at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...

"LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[Edited 2009-11-05 10:08:18]
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
aero145
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:33 pm



Quoting WildcatYXU (Reply 55):
Bullshit. It ha nothing to do with neo-nazis. The sad part is that it's not even a joke. Pure truth. Believe me. I've experienced it first hand.

You start with saying what I said was bullshit and then you say that I should believe you that you experienced it first hand.

.....right.....
 
WrenchBender
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:35 pm



Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 65):
And, SHE lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

There I fixed it for you

WrenchBender
Silly Pilot, Tricks are for kids.......
 
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WildcatYXU
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:49 pm



Quoting Aero145 (Reply 66):
You start with saying what I said was bullshit and then you say that I should believe you that you experienced it first hand.

.....right.....

OK, I'll explain it just for you. The neo-nazi comment is bullshit. And there is is indeed a huge difference between tourism and immigration, so the joke is much closer to the reality than many are willing to admit.

Do you understand now?
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Fly2HMO
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:34 pm



Quoting Aero145 (Reply 66):

You start with saying what I said was bullshit and then you say that I should believe you that you experienced it first hand.



Quoting WildcatYXU (Reply 68):

OK, I'll explain it just for you. The neo-nazi comment is bullshit. And there is is indeed a huge difference between tourism and immigration, so the joke is much closer to the reality than many are willing to admit.

Do you understand now?



 Big grin  duck 
 
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WildcatYXU
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:46 pm



Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 69):

 ouch   embarrassed   smile 
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YVRLTN
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Fri Nov 06, 2009 4:35 am

What do you get if you cross GPS with PMS??



A crazy bitch who will find you!
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Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Nov 08, 2009 1:40 pm

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

In the meantime, everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was ready for him, and quickly pulled him over. After stopping the driver, the officer read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0%.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
acjflyer
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Fri Nov 13, 2009 6:17 pm

I will have you all know that you have entertained my co-workers and I for the past hour or so. There are numerous of us that are laughing so hard that we have tears running down our faces. Well done!!!!!
 
Phoenix9
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:15 pm

A guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?

Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
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SOBHI51
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Mon Nov 23, 2009 12:33 pm

Country Preacher


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eyes, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna run for Congress!'
I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
 
sbworcs
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Mon Nov 23, 2009 5:53 pm

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... Go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... What ees it?

'Pepe... Ees not a bacon tree....




Ees







Ees







Eees a Ham Bush
The best way forwards is upwards!
 
thegreatRDU
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:34 pm

A guy visits his doctor....the doctor runs some tests on him.....the doctor calls his patient..and tells him "I have some bad news"...."what?" says the patient..."you have 24 hours to live"says the doctor...."whats the worse news?" says the patient...."I forgot to tell you yesterday" said the doctor!
Our Returning Champion
 
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SOBHI51
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:00 pm

Some blonde jokes  duck 

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

1/A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be
my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a
great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"
2/Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

3/A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"


4/There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
 
helvknight
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Nov 28, 2009 7:27 pm

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all, Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
to which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
helvknight
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RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Nov 28, 2009 7:32 pm

EXTRA HOT CHILLI !

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the veranda. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.

I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing
their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the dunnies which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh.

.....BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the mens room, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal arsplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b1tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

[email protected] claim they're going to have to repaint the store!!!
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2024
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Nov 28, 2009 7:36 pm

A young boy went to his father and asked, "what's the difference between "potentially and realistically."

The father answered,"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars.

Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean "Puffy" Combs for one million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!"

Then the boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Sean "Puffy" Combs for one million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my gosh! I'd be nuts to pass that up!"

The boy thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.

His father asked him if he'd found out the difference between "potentially and realistically."

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hoes."
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
WrenchBender
Posts: 1662
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2004 5:59 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Nov 29, 2009 6:13 am

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'


WrenchBender
Silly Pilot, Tricks are for kids.......
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:15 am

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
YVRLTN
Posts: 2345
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 1:49 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Tue Dec 01, 2009 6:41 am

Two hot blond lesbians moved in next door, and naturally we made friends. I was however surprised when they presented me with an expensive Rolex for my birthday. It seems the confusion arose from when I said 'I wanna watch" when asked what I wanted for my birthday...
Follow me on twitter for YVR movements @vernonYVR
 
Alias1024
Posts: 2707
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 11:13 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Tue Dec 01, 2009 7:03 am

This has been posted on other aviation forums before. Supposedly it is an actual irregularity report written by a captain at Great Lakes for a gate return:


After departing the gate on time, and subsequently waiting at 2E for approximately 20 minutes for substantial ground traffic, we began to taxi north on taxiway Mike. In the vicinity of "Echo Delta" I experienced what can be described as a gastro-intestinal "discomfort". The mild nature of this ailment coupled with my type-A personality and a need to complete our mission exactly to our scheduled time-on-target resulted in a PIC decision to press on.
Approximately 300 meters south of taxiway Zulu, I then experienced a second gastro-intestinal "grumble" of a signifigantly elevated magnitude. Instantly, my mind replayed visual renditions of the famous, albiet somewhat mythical, "Tyler Wojo" incident.
Approximately 100 meters south of taxiway Zulu, I then experienced what many have described as the "Meat Sweats". With persperation running down my forehead, and the statement "I didn't quite make it" (the exact words said to me by Wojo himself), I quickly evaluated my options. So it was now: stabbing pains, Wojo folklore, and #10 for takeoff. I then made perhaps the greatest command decision in my aviation career.
I directed the FO to ask Ground for a taxi via Zulu to the west side for a return to the gate to "get some new paperwork". The passengers were also informed of our "paperwork" requirement. Ground Control said "approved, contact the west side on 127.5". While in mid-clench, I managed a strained, yet still professional, "roger".
Abeam the Continental hangar I briefly considered the vast amount of commodes that must exist inside. It was then, as I contemplated a plausable explination to the passengers why we were going to park at the Continental Maintenance hangar, all of my ailments and "internal pressures" instantly vanished. It was at that moment that I knew I was going to make it! However, I did not want to succumb to the pitfal of being overconfident (i.e. the 2007 New England Patriots) and the almost always negative consequences of said over overconfidence. We continued to "taxi with a purpose", while still being safe and under control.
We were parked in Zone 5, and performed a normal, albiet, "brisk" shutdown. I then grabbed the clipboard (thus completing my "new paperwork" illusion) and then proceded to: 1-Open the cabin door. 2-Tell the passengers "I'll be back". 3-Smartly move down the airstairs. 4-Run at a speed normally observed only in sub-atomic particles to the nearest latrine, clipboard still in hand.
After a successful completion of "the download", I returned to the aircraft, bounded up the stairs, showed the clipboard to the passengers stating, "We're good to go". We then taxied out, departed, and arrived at North Platte with no further incidents.
It was not until I settled down in my hotel room that I allowed myself to bask in the introspective and glorious reccount of the successful outcome of the earlier events normally reserved only for athletes of Major Sports Championship teams. It is essential to illustrate that this was slightly tempered by the possible lapse in judgement to skip my "Noon Poop".
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems with just potatoes.
 
WrenchBender
Posts: 1662
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2004 5:59 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Wed Dec 02, 2009 6:31 pm

Don't know whether to put these in thew Tiger thread or here.....

- Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

- His wife accused him of having an affair. Tiger said he was just playing a provisional.

- What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

- What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s wedge game and his driving? Woods can back up a wedge shot.

- If you're going to put two balls out of bounds when your wife is keeping score, count on her imposing a four stroke penalty.

- The police asked her how many times did you hit him with the golf club. She replied-three, maybe four--put me down for five.

- Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

- Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.

- Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

- This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

- Tiger drives his Escalade, hits a tree, hits a fire hydrant, goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn. So "Is Tigers' Caddie on the green in two? "

- Finally Tiger has found an unplayable lie!


WrenchBender
Silly Pilot, Tricks are for kids.......
 
User avatar
Aaron747
Posts: 12936
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Wed Dec 02, 2009 6:39 pm

One of my old favorites:

Guy goes into a bar and notices a sign: PASS OUR THREE CHALLENGES AND WIN A YEAR OF FREE BEER!

Excited at the prospect, and after a few drinks, he chats up the barkeep. "So, what do I have to do to win the beer for a year?"

"Well, you first have to drink a gallon jug of old tequila without wincing. Then you have to go out back to our very unfriendly dog and remove his bad tooth without getting a scratch. Last you have to screw the 80-year old woman upstairs and give her the orgasm she's never had"

"Wow, OK...well I'm game"

So the guy drinks the gallon jug and breaks a sweat but doesn't wince. A little tipsy he says "OK, next challenge" and heads out back, staggering a bit.

There's a loud commotion and angry barking but things quiet down after awhile. The guy returns to the bar, clothes tattered, and says, "So, where's the old woman with the bad tooth again?"

 Silly
If you need someone to blame / throw a rock in the air / you'll hit someone guilty
 
787seattle
Posts: 335
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:34 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Thu Dec 03, 2009 12:50 am

Here's some blonde jokes:

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

*******

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

******
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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<----- Scroll Up.
Student - KELN
 
SAflyer
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2009 8:37 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Fri Dec 04, 2009 3:50 pm

 
747438
Posts: 658
Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2007 5:45 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Fri Dec 04, 2009 6:56 pm

British troops have started wearing their Kevlar body armour back-to-front after it was announced 9000 US Marines are on their way to Helmand Province.
 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2024
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:00 pm

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
787seattle
Posts: 335
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:34 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Dec 05, 2009 5:43 am

This is kind of lame, but:

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
Student - KELN
 
elal 744
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2000 1:19 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sat Dec 05, 2009 9:51 am

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" the Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! That feels SOOOOOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you - with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
Vercere bracis meis
 
787seattle
Posts: 335
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:34 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:09 am

A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"

*****

John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Student - KELN
 
Fly2HMO
Posts: 7184
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:14 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Dec 06, 2009 3:47 am

 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2024
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Dec 06, 2009 6:41 pm

I better put on my flamesuit and a bullet-proof jacket  biting   flamed   fight 

Here it goes:


Question. Why did God give men penises?

Answer. So they’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Sun Dec 06, 2009 8:19 pm

A woman walks into a bar... hey, wait a minute... Why is she out of the kitchen??  duck   flamed 

The best part of oral sex is...?
5 minutes of silence...

Proof God is a woman: Men have a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time...

Why do men die before their wives? We want to!

What does wife stand for? Washing, Ironing F***ing, Etc.

Why did Adam and Eve have the best relationship?
She never had to hear about his mothers cooking, and henever heard about all the guys she could have married...

The male sexual cycles... tri-weekly, try weekly, and try weakly.

the difference between a wife and a prostitue is $50. the difference between a love and a husband is 50 minutes.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrasment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.99 a minute.

A woman caught hooking gets a $50 fine and time served. A man gets caught hooking it's a 2 minute penalty.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:38 pm

Michael Jackson arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter doesn't recognise him so he asks, "What exactly did you do on earth?"
"I dressed up in funny clothes and entertained people."
"And tell me, were you ever in trouble?"
"Well, I was accused of interfering with little boys, but we paid off some and won the other court case."
"I'm sorry, Father, I don't see your name down here - what parish were you in?"
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
Fly2HMO
Posts: 7184
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:14 pm

RE: Yet Another Joke Thread

Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:34 am

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