Well, unfortunatly I couldn't laugh hard about it myself at the time. But upon hearing this a few of my friends almost died of laugh-induced suffication. I originally posted this to Reddit in the TIFU subreddit (TIFU = Today I F*cked Up) where you can share stories of the stupid things you did. It's a bit of a long read but I guess it's worth it. Otherwise there's an TL
;DR at the bottom. Enjoy.
(Original post; http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comment...y_getting_stoned_and_accidentally/
Not exactly today nor yesterday, more like 16 years ago. At the tender age of 17.... But as this is my only TIFU-worthy TIFU I guess it wouldn't hurt posting it. Also it's a pretty damn funny story (in hindsight...)
So me in high school in small city in the Netherlands. One of my best friends parents were pretty cool, he had this little attic room which we converted into a chill-out place for our little gang of friends. Playing the NES, watching Dragonball-Z and getting really drunk on the weekends. Also his parents were even so cool that we were allowed to smoke the occasional joint in the weekend. But ONLY on weekends!
Of course we smoked more than only on weekends. And even though the frequency of me smoking weed should have had influence on my tolerance levels, it didn't. One toke and I was shit-faced, as in completely not able to hold a conversation or act in any way normal.
Because of this we always avoided getting high when my friends parents were at home.
So this evening, a Wednesday (a fact that for some reason I can still remember vividly), his dad was out of the country on business and his mother and little sister were shopping in Amsterdam and planning on eating there as well. Long story short; let's smoke some weed!
It was only him and me, and just when we're enjoying all the glory of late 90s Cartoon Network while being blood-red-eye-stoned we hear the front door opening. Fucking shit fuck....
See, the thing is this is a very close family. And unlike my family were when a parent enters the house you just scream something like "I'M WATCHING CARTOONS", in this household you had to go downstairs for greetings and small talk. Something I dreaded more than getting kicked in the nuts at that exact moment. I was in no way ready to face sober people... But alas, my friend had a very high tolerance for weed and was always very happy to see his family.
So downstairs we go....
Arriving in the hallway the small talk commences, I'm keeping a low profile. This seems to be working pretty damn well and I'm hoping on an imminent return to the safety of the attic. But then the sentence I was very afraid to be uttered was in fact uttered;
"So I guess you boys will join us for dinner in 20 minutes?"
I face my friend with a look of absolute terror, but unfortunately the idea of eating with his mother and sister gets him almost giddy with joy (love this dude, but he treats his family as best friends which sometimes is a bit nauseating). So he misses my body language and almost screams on the top of his lungs; "Of course mom, we would love that!"
Fast forward 20 minutes. Sitting at the dinner table. Mom to the right, little sister on the corner to my left and best friend facing me.
So I tried desperately to act normal and sober. But in my case that always resulted in the exact and absolute opposite. Awkward comments, nervous stupid laughter, not getting sentences, losing the thread of a conversation. I was not doing very well and I knew it. Which, while stoned, made things exponentially worse. This was a train wreck in the process of crashing, and it would crash for quite a while from this point on (dinner in that family took a looooong time....).
I needed a solution and I needed it fast! The solution I was looking for was in the realm of distraction. I needed something to distract me from my own awkward stoned behavior. Luckily, there was Rascal. Rascal was the family dog. A short-haired mut that was always hungry. It shape was a cube, it was literally a square-shaped dog. It had short hair and was about knee high. Also, it was always hungry, did I mention that already? So hungry in fact that years later he would suffocate after trying to getting the last scrums out of a potato-chip bag. Poor Rascal.
Anyhow, Rascal was my way out! Because we were eating Rascal was very near by. He was executing his standard search-protocol for dropped food, walking in an 8-pattern under the table. Now there was one thing Rascal loved almost more than food, and that was petting. And I am the dog petting king.
So after a few seconds his search-protocol brings him close to me. This is my chance!
I started petting the fuck out of Rascal and immediately I feel the pressure dropping from my shoulders. Normality restored I think to myself. Rascal always loved the Behind-the-ear-Scratch, he was also very favorable to the Under-the-chin-Pet. As my blood pressure returned to less Intensive Care-rated levels I am beginning to enjoy the evening again. After giving Rascal ears, neck and chin a good rub I decide enough is enough. I'll give him a last Butt-patting to thank him for his services in avoiding a whole world of awkwardness.
But while I move my arm backwards in the direction of Rascal's backside I start noticing a deafening silence at the table. Also while my hand is in motion I see my friends mom slowly putting her utensils down. And while the reality of the situation starts sinking in she says, quite loudly;
LockstockNL, what the FCK are you doing?!
"No..nonononononoonon" my mind repeats while I see Rascal at the other side of the room. I wasn't petting Rascal. I was stroking the shit out of my friends mom knee and inner thigh. Also I was just making the move towards second or third base (I use the metric system, so I don't know which base, but it's the base that results in a fishy finger) when she decided this was becoming a bit rapy....
I muttered; "I...I...I am sorry....I thought you were the dog.."
Awkwardness returns like a Phoenix from the ashes and what followed must have been the most uncomfortable silence in the history of mankind.
tl;dr; got stoned, thought my best friends mother was a dog, started stroking her in very inappropriate places, most uncomfortable silence in history.