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Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 8:36 pm
by FAhubs
My wife is a FA. I live the same lifestyle. I know it’s hard with marriages. We’re discussing setting different rules for ourselves on the road to protect us from certain situations. The idea is that what’s normal in this lifestyle isn’t necessarily good for us. Anyone done something similar and have any ideas for ones they’ve used? Thanks in advance.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 11:59 pm
by DarkSnowyNight
It would help if you were a little more specific. Are we talking about fidelity issues? Attendance? Being able to socialize?

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 2:58 am
by KFLLCFII
I'm going to read between the lines that all the "we"s and "us"s in your post should actually be "she"s and "her"s, and whether you realize it or not, you're trying to rationalize her irrational relationship demands by playing along.

No matter what "rules" you (she) decides to enforce, her end game will be to rationalize keeping what is yours ("you did go along with the other 'rules', after all, and it would only be 'right' of you to give me what I deserve"), and then proceed to monkey-branch onto the next man of her desire which she acquired incidentally to the "rules" you agreed to.

If I were you, I'd pull the "eject" handle ASAP and cut your losses before they have a chance to mount even greater.

You're already staring down the rabbit hole.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 3:05 am
by 910A
Odd topic for the person's first post.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:03 am
by jetero
Odd verbiage to begin with. “I live the same lifestyle.”

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:08 am
by afcjets
IMO the only way this post makes since is if same in the second sentence is a typo for swinger.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:27 am
by TTailedTiger
If I ever decided to get married then it would have to be an open relationship. I believe you can still be in love with each but still see other people occasionally. I like veal but I wouldn't want to eat it the rest of my life every night. I would still love my wife but wouldn't want to only sleep with her the rest of my life.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:55 am
by johnboy
TTailedTiger wrote:
If I ever decided to get married then it would have to be an open relationship. I believe you can still be in love with each but still see other people occasionally. I like veal but I wouldn't want to eat it the rest of my life every night. I would still love my wife but wouldn't want to only sleep with her the rest of my life.


My bf and I subscribe to this. Works out well AS LONG AS you’d communication between one another is excellent.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:25 am
by Zeppi
If you need any "rules" you have the wrong partner, but that's just my humble oppinion...

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:31 am
by aviationaware
I can only warn, open relationships don't work. It's like a plague in the gay community. Nobody wants a faithful relationship, everyone wants to keep hooking up and relationships are very weak and people totally neurotic as a result.

If you can't keep your dick in your pants you have the wrong partner.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 1:51 pm
by fr8mech
Zeppi wrote:
If you need any "rules" you have the wrong partner, but that's just my humble oppinion...



This! Right here.

If you’re setting rules and parameters, you’re on the wrong path.

I’ve been married for 22 years, and I used to travel a lot for work. We never set up “rules”.

I didn't spend money we didn’t have. I didn’t flirt with women...not because it was “wrong” to do so while married, it was because I didn’t, and still don’t want to. I never drank so much that my common sense couldn’t overrule what my alcohol addled brain contrived.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 1:51 pm
by DL717
FAhubs wrote:
My wife is a FA. I live the same lifestyle. I know it’s hard with marriages. We’re discussing setting different rules for ourselves on the road to protect us from certain situations. The idea is that what’s normal in this lifestyle isn’t necessarily good for us. Anyone done something similar and have any ideas for ones they’ve used? Thanks in advance.


If you’re asking this question, your relationship is already over. You just don’t know it yet.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 2:08 pm
by afcjets
I think some of the responses here are a bit extreme. IMO lust is a natural human condition for most people, some experience it more than others, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Having rules can limit your exposure to lust, but you can also have rules for yourself and encourage her to do the same if she feels she needs to. It might turn her on that you trust her and are confident enough not to impose rules on her and she would be less likely to want another man. If it’s fake though she will see right through it. My advice is work on yourself.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 2:52 pm
by FAhubs
afcjets wrote:
I think some of the responses here are a bit extreme. IMO lust is a natural human condition for most people, some experience it more than others, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Having rules can limit your exposure to lust, but you can also have rules for yourself and encourage her to do the same if she feels she needs to. It might turn her on that you trust her and are confident enough not to impose rules on her and she would be less likely to want another man. If it’s fake though she will see right through it. My advice is work on yourself.


I enjoyed some of the responses. Rules was probably a bad word choice. More boundaries to limit exposure long term as you put it. This isn’t about us putting demands on the other. It’s a mutual idea to protect ourselves. No ejecting to be done today. I guess I thought others might have similar ideas. I guess we’re the weird ones. Oh well. Thanks anyways.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:02 pm
by jetero
aviationaware wrote:
I can only warn, open relationships don't work. It's like a plague in the gay community. Nobody wants a faithful relationship, everyone wants to keep hooking up and relationships are very weak and people totally neurotic as a result.

If you can't keep your dick in your pants you have the wrong partner.


Huh, I don’t have that problem.

(Is that how you talk to your prospective boyfriends, AA? “You better keep your dick in your pants”? What a charmer as always!)

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:29 pm
by TSS
fr8mech wrote:
Zeppi wrote:
If you need any "rules" you have the wrong partner, but that's just my humble oppinion...


This! Right here.

If you’re setting rules and parameters, you’re on the wrong path.

I’ve been married for 22 years, and I used to travel a lot for work. We never set up “rules”.

I didn't spend money we didn’t have. I didn’t flirt with women...not because it was “wrong” to do so while married, it was because I didn’t, and still don’t want to. I never drank so much that my common sense couldn’t overrule what my alcohol addled brain contrived.


You're absolutely right, but the real trick is to not get hooked up with one of these types-

Image

A relationship-ending argument I had once began because I ran into someone I went to high school with while getting gas on the way home and spent +/- 20 minutes catching up with them, making me a similar amount of time later than usual getting home. To be clear, dinner wasn't waiting on the table and we had no particular plans that night, but you'd have thought I had disappeared for an entire weekend without explanation by the reaction I got. Uh-uh, no more: Your partner either trusts you or they don't, and if they don't then they need to break it off with you and go hassle somebody else. Life is too short to put up with that BS.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2019 10:03 pm
by johnboy
aviationaware wrote:
I can only warn, open relationships don't work. It's like a plague in the gay community. Nobody wants a faithful relationship, everyone wants to keep hooking up and relationships are very weak and people totally neurotic as a result.

If you can't keep your dick in your pants you have the wrong partner.


Speak for yourself, not the "gay community."

My partner and I realize we like to have sex with others, and play together with others, or less frequently by ourselves with others. We realize that "lifelong fidelity" isn't for everyone (probably not for anyone), and I'm willing to bet there are a few apps on your/your bf's phone that belie your public declaration.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2019 11:07 pm
by usflyer msp
You just have to sex each other so good that no onr else could compare. That is how my wife and I handle it. Why would you give up your rich delicious Gumbo to try some unseasoned tomato soup?

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 12:45 am
by DL717
jetero wrote:
aviationaware wrote:
I can only warn, open relationships don't work. It's like a plague in the gay community. Nobody wants a faithful relationship, everyone wants to keep hooking up and relationships are very weak and people totally neurotic as a result.

If you can't keep your dick in your pants you have the wrong partner.


Huh, I don’t have that problem.

(Is that how you talk to your prospective boyfriends, AA? “You better keep your dick in your pants”? What a charmer as always!)


I’m pretty sure he doesn’t consider you a prospect.

johnboy wrote:
aviationaware wrote:
I can only warn, open relationships don't work. It's like a plague in the gay community. Nobody wants a faithful relationship, everyone wants to keep hooking up and relationships are very weak and people totally neurotic as a result.

If you can't keep your dick in your pants you have the wrong partner.


Speak for yourself, not the "gay community."

My partner and I realize we like to have sex with others, and play together with others, or less frequently by ourselves with others. We realize that "lifelong fidelity" isn't for everyone (probably not for anyone), and I'm willing to bet there are a few apps on your/your bf's phone that belie your public declaration.


If you have to look somewhere else for fulfillment, why be in the relationship in the first place? You seem quite jaded with the “probably not for anyone” comment. Sad way to live.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 1:42 am
by KentB27
In my opinion if either you or your wife are talking about having permission to knock boots with other people outside of your marriage then either you're in the wrong marriage or marriage isn't for you.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 11:52 am
by johnboy
DL717 wrote:

If you have to look somewhere else for fulfillment, why be in the relationship in the first place? You seem quite jaded with the “probably not for anyone” comment. Sad way to live.


I had to unblock you for this kernel of wisdom, and I wasn’t disappointed. I love how you use “fulfillment” in your less than brilliant assessment as usual.

I want to do whatever I like to do. I’m pretty sure I’ve had more discussions and honest, open communication with my partner than ANY of you have ever had - so I’m quite pleased with my relationship and the direction it’s headed.

If anyone should be pitied, it’s you fine fellows.
Neutered and block back on.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 11:57 am
by KICT
aviationaware wrote:
I can only warn, open relationships don't work.

Maybe it's just you?

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 1:29 pm
by DL717
johnboy wrote:
DL717 wrote:

If you have to look somewhere else for fulfillment, why be in the relationship in the first place? You seem quite jaded with the “probably not for anyone” comment. Sad way to live.


I had to unblock you for this kernel of wisdom, and I wasn’t disappointed. I love how you use “fulfillment” in your less than brilliant assessment as usual.

I want to do whatever I like to do. I’m pretty sure I’ve had more discussions and honest, open communication with my partner than ANY of you have ever had - so I’m quite pleased with my relationship and the direction it’s headed.

If anyone should be pitied, it’s you fine fellows.
Neutered and block back on.


Fine job of proving my point. Sad way to live.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 5:25 pm
by bagoldex
DL717 wrote:
johnboy wrote:
DL717 wrote:

If you have to look somewhere else for fulfillment, why be in the relationship in the first place? You seem quite jaded with the “probably not for anyone” comment. Sad way to live.


I had to unblock you for this kernel of wisdom, and I wasn’t disappointed. I love how you use “fulfillment” in your less than brilliant assessment as usual.

I want to do whatever I like to do. I’m pretty sure I’ve had more discussions and honest, open communication with my partner than ANY of you have ever had - so I’m quite pleased with my relationship and the direction it’s headed.

If anyone should be pitied, it’s you fine fellows.
Neutered and block back on.


Fine job of proving my point. Sad way to live.


You're not doing a very good job of concealing your envy.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 7:44 pm
by B777LRF
Be honest. Be open. Don't be an arsehole. Talk to each other. Be honest.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 9:16 pm
by TSS
B777LRF wrote:
Be honest. Be open. Don't be an arsehole. Talk to each other. Be honest.

Good, solid advice in general, but in order for it to work those directives have to apply equally to both partners without exception.

The funny thing about "be honest" is that when most people say that, they're looking for agreement with or confirmation of a previously held thought or opinion, not actual honesty. If you're going to ask for honesty, you have to be ready to accept without rancor all, including the worst imaginable, answers to the question you just asked.

Re: Rules for married couples in this life?

Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2019 3:16 am
by DL717
bagoldex wrote:
DL717 wrote:
johnboy wrote:

I had to unblock you for this kernel of wisdom, and I wasn’t disappointed. I love how you use “fulfillment” in your less than brilliant assessment as usual.

I want to do whatever I like to do. I’m pretty sure I’ve had more discussions and honest, open communication with my partner than ANY of you have ever had - so I’m quite pleased with my relationship and the direction it’s headed.

If anyone should be pitied, it’s you fine fellows.
Neutered and block back on.


Fine job of proving my point. Sad way to live.


You're not doing a very good job of concealing your envy.


Well, feel free to think that, but it’s someone going to great lengths to prove the value of their relationship status to everyone that has an envy problem.