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DarkSnowyNight
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Thu Jan 23, 2020 6:31 am

BN747 wrote:

oh my friend, you have no idea how clueless 1st and 5 time newbie cheaters can be. They'll forget to rid of the most simplest of trace evidence.

BN747


I do not doubt this happens. But I do not see how.

Even all manner of evidence can be countered by simply not acting different to normal.

Anecdotally, I had to learn this on the fly. When I was married, that piece of unemployable junk used to fill her time throwing all manner of such accusations in my general direction.

I got to a point where I just was not longer outraged by these things and blew them off. Eventually, it got casual enough that she actually backed off.

About a year later, a lightbulb went off when I had a decent opportunity to build hours on another, less married, type.

That was a good friend of hers, by shear happenstance. I eventually mentioned this to my now ex-wife, post divorce. It came up that her friend had just broken up with some stiff; I inquired if that one might be available again...

I am still somewhat proud of my efforts, considering my old wife still does not believe this happened.

I really think this is easier than people make it, is all.
"Ya Can't Win, Rocky! There's no Oxygen on Mars!"
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Sokes
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Tue Feb 11, 2020 1:52 pm

Jouhou wrote:
Btw any single dudes out there attracted to and frustrated with a single lady who shows no sexual attraction to anyone, she might be like me and is staying on a birth control method that kills her libido intentionally because it helps her focus on her career. I noticed the depo shot does this to me but never asked to try anything else because I like the side effect. Guys take it really personally when I turn them down though, even though I make it clear I'm not strongly attracted to anyone at all.


Interesting.

Jouhou wrote:
...
It works out for some people, but more often than not it will end in disaster. I would advise from personal observation that he avoids this because more often than not it works out poorly. If she's really interested in leaving her husband she should leave him first to prove she's really open to someone else seriously instead of just straying and wanting a side fling that may end in severe drama.


A lot of things in life are a question of probability.

Jouhou wrote:
tommy1808 wrote:

Womans that cheat, there will be exceptions, have usually long decided to leave their partners behind.



...most of my female friends who cheated on their boyfriends and husbands didn't tell them, didn't leave them, and seem to be more influenced by cluster B personality disorders more than anything. Many others who don't cheat aren't neurotic enough to even consider wasting the amount of time involved in juggling relationships like that. It's just too much time and effort. A one night stand after a drinking binge is maybe normal, but nothing deeper than that.


I once met a man who travels half year and works half year. I asked him how he does with women. He said he has sometimes, but he gets easily bored.
Well: The truth will set you free.

I once met a friend. He brought two female friends. One told that she will marry in two weeks. Later that evening she said "Sex with the same man all your life, isn't that boring?". There was no flirt in it. Maybe she was thinking aloud if she should really marry.

My definition of attachment theory: "Somebody with the capacity for attachment can attach to a dust bin. Somebody without it won't be able to attach to a near perfect partner, whatever that may mean." It's typical for people with antisocial personality disorder that they can't attach. "Typical" means high probability. Similar people with narcissism have a high risk of being unable to be faithful.
Milan Kundera's 'The unbearable lightness of being" is about a nice character who loves a woman, but can't be sexually faithful.
Human behaviour shows all kind of variation.


Redd wrote:
Married women can be good for a shag, but not if you have any feelings for them. If a woman is willing to cheat on her husband/boyfriend, she'll cheat on you one day.

Considering your experience, and the fact that you have 'feelings', stay the hell away. Listen to Jouhou, that married woman will chew you up and spit you out, you'll end up worse off than ever before, and you'll end up with a very, very skewed idea of what a relationship should be.


As before: Many things in life are a question of probability, but I feel that sounds likely.


Aesma wrote:

Then again, you can't control your feelings.


Suppose that married woman would be the wife of your boss: you couldn't control your feelings?


LittleFokker wrote:

Thanks. Two months ago, when I had the courage of conviction to go through with separation was the first time I've genuinely smiled, and haven't looked back. I know I'm going to owe alimony and child support once we get the divorce finalized hopefully sometime later this year, and I really don't care. I lost all joy of being with her and I didn't want to model a bad marriage for my son. I've been on 4 dates, got laid once, and I'm finally back to looking forward to my days off from work. I've been using the following clip as my inspiration (I know what Louis Ck did, but he is still a damn good comedian):

https://youtu.be/85bfDKudxV4

Caliboy, I think you might benefit from memorizing this clip.


That's how it is supposed to be. If the married woman is fed up, which is assumed here without evidence from the OP, she can divorce.
I won't like to generalize if this is always better when children are involved.


BN747 wrote:
So when it 'great opportunity' presents itself, certainly cash in..but know ALL the unseen angles before you leap.

BN747


If the angles are unseen, how to know them all?


DarkSnowyNight wrote:

I am also not convinced the sex would be any good. It is worth noting that after years the marriage version of sex, she will be accustomed to doing a mediocre job, while being credited for better. This is a double whammy that will not likely result in increased performance values.



What is mediocre sex?
There can be sex which is not so passionate, but is build on deep trust for each other.
There can be sex which is very passionate, but has no deep emotion involved.

I guess the first version is not given to everybody.
To say that a long relationship makes sex mediocre is a bit of a generalization.
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aeromoe
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:18 pm

bennett123 wrote:
Fred,

You say she was unhappy in her marriage and that she was divorced.

Surely if she was divorced, then she was no longer married.


I have a feeling the word divorced is a verb in this sense, in that she then became divorced (after the comma), then they spent a year together.
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SteelChair
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Tue Feb 11, 2020 8:18 pm

No one has asked the obvious question: is she hot?

Next question: Hot, smoking hot, or hot like a cinder of coal eternally burning in the depths of hell hot? :rotfl:

Pictures or it didn't happen.

In all seriousness, there is too much complexity to answer in a message board format. I agree with many of the comments.
 
TSS
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 1:53 am

Jouhou wrote:
Btw any single dudes out there attracted to and frustrated with a single lady who shows no sexual attraction to anyone, she might be like me and is staying on a birth control method that kills her libido intentionally because it helps her focus on her career. I noticed the depo shot does this to me but never asked to try anything else because I like the side effect. Guys take it really personally when I turn them down though, even though I make it clear I'm not strongly attracted to anyone at all.


Wow. I'm reminded of two things:

1. The King of the Moon as portrayed by Robin Williams in The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen who is able to detach his head from his body with no ill effect. When the head is detached, the king indulges in all sorts of lofty, esoteric philosophical musings but as soon as the head attaches to the body the king becomes an insatiable horn-dog with sex and only sex on his mind.

2. A friend of mine who went from having a normal to slightly greater than normal sex drive to having none at all. Everyone in our group noticed it but no-one felt the need to say anything about it but me. In a private moment I raised my concerns not about his lack of sex drive specifically but about observing a dramatic change in a friend's behavior for no apparent reason. He said he had noticed it himself but wasn't concerned because he simply assumed it was part of getting older, to which I replied "Yeah, when you're in your sixties or seventies... you're not even 40 yet! You should still be out there having fun, or at least wanting to!". That seemed to put things in perspective for him and at his next checkup he told his doctor what was going on, his doctor tested his testosterone level and found it to be extremely low, and immediately put him on testosterone replacement therapy. The effect was instantaneous and dramatic- He felt like his old self again and his biggest regret was that he hadn't said something to his doctor sooner because he had lost and later outright avoided several potentially good relationships due to his low or non-existent sex drive.

Sokes wrote:
That's how it is supposed to be. If the married woman is fed up, which is assumed here without evidence from the OP, she can divorce.
I won't like to generalize if this is always better when children are involved.


The phrase "without evidence from the OP" seems to be the operative one here. The original post read-

caliboy93 wrote:
Hey, what can I do when I start having feelings for a woman who is taken or married?


... and at no point has Caliboy suggested in any way that the feeling is mutual, that she is aware of his feelings, or even that she knows he's alive beyond, I assume, interacting with him occasionally in a social or professional setting.

Sokes wrote:
DarkSnowyNight wrote:
I am also not convinced the sex would be any good. It is worth noting that after years of the marriage version of sex, she will be accustomed to doing a mediocre job, while being credited for better. This is a double whammy that will not likely result in increased performance values.


What is mediocre sex?


I can't speak for everyone, but for me "mediocre sex" would be when someone is obviously unenthusiastic about the act and is only doing it out of some misplaced sense of obligation. Listen, if you're really not into it, don't feel like you have to do your partner any favors by just dialing it in to get them to shut up because that is both insulting and dismissive and can lead to a lot of resentment and hostility.

One notch further down the ladder is "bad sex", wherein one's partner just lays there like a starfish clinging to a rock at low tide and offers neither feedback nor reaction throughout. Anyone who claims to enjoy that has some serious issues they need to work through and should be avoided until they do so.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with some reasonable quid pro quo in the bedroom: For example, if your partner loves Activity #1 to which you are largely indifferent and you really get off on Activity #2 which your partner can take or leave, it shouldn't be difficult to come to a mutually enjoyable understanding. Of course it doesn't hurt if both of you also enjoy Activity #3 equally.

Sokes wrote:
There can be sex which is not so passionate, but is build on deep trust for each other.
There can be sex which is very passionate, but has no deep emotion involved.

I guess the first version is not given to everybody.
To say that a long relationship makes sex mediocre is a bit of a generalization.


Once again, open and honest communication would seem to be the key.
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DL717
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 3:01 am

NOT SAFE FOR WORK:

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/88ea8f42-6 ... 687905eca7

Just kidding though. That said, If she cheats on her husband, she’ll eventually cheat on you!
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johns624
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 3:52 am

I think that Caliboy has forgotten all about this thread and moved on to different infatuations. Maybe Pinkboy can set Caliboy up with his cousin in Puerto Rico...
 
Sokes
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 3:53 am

TSS wrote:
...
Once again, open and honest communication would seem to be the key.


That's a stereotype.

People with personaliy disoders have no insight. To discuss means to make them angry. You keep discussing, they will keep getting angry. There can be no open communication as they have no insight. They are simply bad thinkers, even if they are genius otherwise. There are few people who meet diagnostic criteria, but many who have some of the characteristics. Then the question is if these characteristics are weak or strong.
So many people are stuck with a partner with whom they can't speak. One possibility for such people is to back off. Detach yourself emotionally and you still can have passionate sex life. I'm not sure if that's also true if the partner lost attractiveness already. I guess for sex with an ugly person emotional attachment is necessary. Also for people with capacity for attachment I doubt that's fulfilling, even if the partner looks good.

I guess St. Paul had this kind of sex focused/ back off relationship in mind when he wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:
"Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."

Then there are people born to be disinterested:
"Schizoid personality disorder (/ˈskɪtsɔɪd, ˈskɪdzɔɪd/, often abbreviated as SPD or SzPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency toward a solitary or sheltered lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment and apathy. Affected individuals may be unable to form intimate attachments to others and simultaneously possess a rich and elaborate but exclusively internal fantasy world.[6][12] Other associated features include stilted speech, a lack of deriving enjoyment from most activities, feeling as though one is an "observer" rather than a participant in life, an inability to tolerate emotional expectations of others, apparent indifference when praised or criticized, a degree of asexuality and idiosyncratic moral or political beliefs."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_ ... y_disorder

In individualistic countries hard cases won't marry. However for one person meeting diagnostic criteria there are several persons having such character. Some of the mild cases will marry.

Then there is hyposexuality:
If the partner is a pain in the ass it's likely even a man will loose interest in sex. Change the partner and he's alright again.
Somebody who cheats on his partner may also loose interest in sex.
We humans have several contradicting characteristics.
1) We want to be superior to others (e.g. better car) and at the same time we need cooperation to be happy. We are better monkeys. Can everybody be superior?
2) We want to be polygam. But it doesn't do most of us any good IF we are in a functional relationship.
Then there can be hormonal reasons for hyposexuality.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypoactiv ... e_disorder

So "one has to discuss" and "one has to compromise" are brainwashs. Mental healthy people capable of attachment who have a partner with sound mental health don't need such advise. For those who have a partner with mental health problems the advise is harmful.
I'm not sure if there are people affected with personality disorders for whom that advise can be of help. I tend to believe "No".
.
If married sex life is bad I assume it mostly means the relationship is not functional. Bad sex is a symptom, not the problem.
Why can't the world be a little bit more autistic?
 
Sokes
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 4:04 am

johns624 wrote:
I think that Caliboy has forgotten all about this thread and moved on to different infatuations. Maybe Pinkboy can set Caliboy up with his cousin in Puerto Rico...


Why so critical?

"ELIZA is an early natural language processing computer program created from 1964 to 1966[1] at the MIT Artificial Intelligence Laboratory by Joseph Weizenbaum.[2] Created to demonstrate the superficiality of communication between humans and machines, Eliza simulated conversation by using a "pattern matching" and substitution methodology that gave users an illusion of understanding on the part of the program, but had no built in framework for contextualizing events.
...
While ELIZA was capable of engaging in discourse, ELIZA could not converse with true understanding.[8] However, many early users were convinced of ELIZA’s intelligence and understanding, despite Weizenbaum’s insistence to the contrary.
...
ELIZA itself examined the text for keywords, applied values to said keywords, and transformed the input into an output... as in a Rogerian therapeutic situation, the program had only to reflect back the patient's statements.
...
Some of ELIZA's responses were so convincing that Weizenbaum and several others have anecdotes of users becoming emotionally attached to the program, occasionally forgetting that they were conversing with a computer.[2] Weizenbaum's own secretary reportedly asked Weizenbaum to leave the room so that she and ELIZA could have a real conversation. Weizenbaum was surprised by this, later writing: "I had not realized ... that extremely short exposures to a relatively simple computer program could induce powerful delusional thinking in quite normal people."[15]

Image
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ELIZA

So if others enjoy a conversation with ELIZA, why shouldn't we enjoy a conversation with Caliboy?
Why can't the world be a little bit more autistic?
 
johns624
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 5:20 am

Step away from the drugs...
 
TSS
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 6:04 am

Sokes wrote:
TSS wrote:
...
Once again, open and honest communication would seem to be the key.


That's a stereotype.

People with personality disorders have no insight. To discuss means to make them angry. You keep discussing, they will keep getting angry. There can be no open communication as they have no insight. They are simply bad thinkers, even if they are genius otherwise. There are few people who meet diagnostic criteria, but many who have some of the characteristics. Then the question is if these characteristics are weak or strong.
So many people are stuck with a partner with whom they can't speak. One possibility for such people is to back off.


Another possibility is to extricate yourself from the relationship once you realize it's just going to be the same old arguments over and over again with no hope of resolution until you die. An even better solution is to not get romantically involved with someone who has a personality disorder, at least not one that doesn't mesh well with whichever personality disorder(s) you yourself may possess, in the first place. That's what dating is for: Spending time with a prospective mate in a variety of situations so you can see if you're compatible and get to know them well enough to decide whether you want to spend the foreseeable future with that person or not.
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Sokes
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 6:39 am

TSS wrote:

I can't speak for everyone, but for me "mediocre sex" would be when someone is obviously unenthusiastic about the act and is only doing it out of some misplaced sense of obligation.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAtYMn5qgWY&t=37

I assume she may be quite active in bed. In what position would you like to take her?

I agree what you wrote about dating.
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TSS
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 7:46 am

Sokes wrote:
TSS wrote:

I can't speak for everyone, but for me "mediocre sex" would be when someone is obviously unenthusiastic about the act and is only doing it out of some misplaced sense of obligation.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAtYMn5qgWY&t=37

I assume she may be quite active in bed.


I can see how one would think so, but in my personal experience the ones that are animated, opinionated, and outspoken in everyday life tend to be rather tentative and reserved if not actually withdrawn in the sack, i.e. you can't get them to stop talking outside the bedroom yet it takes an act of God to make them move a muscle or make so much as a grunt in the bedroom. The ones that are quiet in everyday life are the ones that like to swing from the chandelier while doing a Tarzan yell once you're alone together. Your mileage may vary.

Sokes wrote:
In what position would you like to take her?


None, as she's not at all my type on several levels. Also, I flatly refuse to play the "Guess what/where I really want to eat" game any more. I can find something I'll want to eat on any menu, anywhere. If I ask someone where they want to eat and they tell me to pick, I will suggest up to three restaurants I know for certain that they like. If they veto all three of those suggestions I will then go to the restaurant I want to, with or without them. Seriously, life is too short to waste playing that silly game.

I wouldn't mind getting to know the guy delivering the food in that video a little better, though.

Sokes wrote:
I agree what you wrote about dating.


Thank you, Sir.
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DarkSnowyNight
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 2:03 pm

Sokes wrote:

DarkSnowyNight wrote:

I am also not convinced the sex would be any good. It is worth noting that after years the marriage version of sex, she will be accustomed to doing a mediocre job, while being credited for better. This is a double whammy that will not likely result in increased performance values.



What is mediocre sex?
There can be sex which is not so passionate, but is build on deep trust for each other.
There can be sex which is very passionate, but has no deep emotion involved.

I guess the first version is not given to everybody.
To say that a long relationship makes sex mediocre is a bit of a generalization.


No, I mean in the strictest sense. There are a surprisingly large number of women out there that do poor jobs taking care of themselves and do not know which end is up when it comes to fucking. I feel like if one cannot do a competent job with that, the trust and passion things will not happen anyway. In my experience, the preponderance of those are married or pending divorce.

I do not attach excessive feelings to sexual operations anyway, and I feel that that has done me fairly well. So that really is not a thing to me. This is not to say that it is impossible to catch feelings this way, but I would have the same odds of that happening working out with a woman as with putting things into her.


TSS wrote:

I can't speak for everyone, but for me "mediocre sex" would be when someone is obviously unenthusiastic about the act and is only doing it out of some misplaced sense of obligation. Listen, if you're really not into it, don't feel like you have to do your partner any favors by just dialing it in to get them to shut up because that is both insulting and dismissive and can lead to a lot of resentment and hostility.


Certainly. Nothing worse than running into that after some partner has spent all evening talking herself up.

TSS wrote:
One notch further down the ladder is "bad sex", wherein one's partner just lays there like a starfish clinging to a rock at low tide and offers neither feedback nor reaction throughout. Anyone who claims to enjoy that has some serious issues they need to work through and should be avoided until they do so.


Yeah, I would have no patience for that. There is a way to do it politely, of course, but I would certainly not think twice about getting up and going home.

I actually feel like the world would be a better place if more people just reacted that way to things like that.
"Ya Can't Win, Rocky! There's no Oxygen on Mars!"
"Yeah? That means there's no Oxygen for him Neither..."
 
Sokes
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Wed Feb 12, 2020 5:15 pm

johns624 wrote:
Step away from the drugs...


What drugs?

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source: https://bombreport.com/yearly-breakdown ... las-vegas/
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N14AZ
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Thu Feb 13, 2020 7:25 am

TSS wrote:
I can't speak for everyone, but for me "mediocre sex" would be when someone is obviously unenthusiastic about the act and is only doing it out of some misplaced sense of obligation. Listen, if you're really not into it, don't feel like you have to do your partner any favors by just dialing it in to get them to shut up because that is both insulting and dismissive and can lead to a lot of resentment and hostility.

A good (female) friend of mine described it in a nice way: (i) „the kind of sex she will have forgotten five minutes after the act“ or (ii) „the kind of sex that does not bring back the past feeling of passion for each other“ (that’s how she described having sex with her husband, oops, actually a sad story).

Sokes wrote:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAtYMn5qgWY&t=37

I assume she may be quite active in bed. In what position would you like to take her?

I would TAKE her onto the street outside my house.
 
TSS
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Sat Feb 15, 2020 2:58 am

Apparently I'm not alone in my frustration regarding deciding on a restaurant:

Love Has No Boundaries | Gabriel Iglesias https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEdIPk1L1RU
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lightsaber
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Re: Having feelings for a married woman

Sun Feb 16, 2020 4:46 am

LittleFokker wrote:
BN747 wrote:
Great story, thanks for sharing!

I like how you accurately measured the consequences in the earlier tryst and how you got it together after a marriage collapse and bounced right back..that's confidence!

And you are noticing the 'upside' to #MeToo in the ever evolving turns of Human Sexuality's dating concepts...it is a rolling stone.

BN747


Thanks. Two months ago, when I had the courage of conviction to go through with separation was the first time I've genuinely smiled, and haven't looked back. I know I'm going to owe alimony and child support once we get the divorce finalized hopefully sometime later this year, and I really don't care. I lost all joy of being with her and I didn't want to model a bad marriage for my son. I've been on 4 dates, got laid once, and I'm finally back to looking forward to my days off from work. I've been using the following clip as my inspiration (I know what Louis Ck did, but he is still a damn good comedian):

https://youtu.be/85bfDKudxV4

Caliboy, I think you might benefit from memorizing this clip.

Divorce is expensive because it is worth it. Otherwise, none of us would divorce.

Good luck. Nothing wrong with dating when seperated. I'm old fashioned enough to believe if divorce papers aren't filed, then there are just too many potential complications, in particular with kids.

Lightsaber
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