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Cadet985
Topic Author
Posts: 2244
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2002 6:45 am

Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 5:40 am

Tuesday night, 6/23, I lost my dad. He had been in the hospital for about a month dealing with multiple organ failure. Just that evening...he was out of bed, sitting in a chair and eating dinner. I was getting ready to go out for the night when I got a call from the hospital that I better get over there. They tried to bring him back for over an hour, to no avail.

I’m so lost. I’m an only child. My mother is in a nursing home, but will be moving back home to help me. I’m completely numb. I don’t know what to do.

I have a gofundme to try to raise money to cover the funeral, as we are a poor family. If interested/able to help, let me know and I’ll post it.

I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’m going to live without him.

The last thing I said to him was, “Enjoy your dinner, and call me when you’re done.” I never even got to tell him “I love you” one last time. If you have your parents (and are on good terms with them), do yourself a favor and never forget to say those three little words.

If anyone has advice on coping, I’ll gladly listen.

I have to go cry again.

Marc
 
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Dutchy
Posts: 11652
Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 1:25 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 5:44 am

Condolences. Always sad to lose a loved one.
Many happy landings, greetings from The Netherlands!
 
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seb146
Posts: 22336
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 5:54 am

I lost my father-in-law a few years ago. I posted an odd thread here. We all grieve different. I have no advice for you but grieve. The ones standing beside you saying nothing, doing nothing, just being with you are just there knowing you are going through something.

The whole grieving process is just that: a process. Nothing to "cope" with. Nothing to just have there. Deal with it. Those around you may not understand. Do not apologize for breaking down. Take a break when you need to.

This sounds harsh and I apologize. That is not my intent.
You bet I'm pumped!!! I just had a green tea!!!
 
LOT767301ER
Posts: 121
Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:14 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 6:49 am

You should post your gofundme.
 
anrec80
Posts: 2759
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:50 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 9:16 am

My sincere condolences. I lost my Dad when I was 14, so I have an idea what it is. Take your time to grieve, but the time comes when you accept the new reality, and regain your life. You will realize that you are to go out into the world, meet new people, new friends, maybe new partner, have new accomplishments. With which you realize - that would have made my dad proud of me.

And for now - my condolences, and remain strong! And one more important point - no alcohol ideally, it will make it harder and worse.
 
anrec80
Posts: 2759
Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:50 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 9:18 am

Cadet985 wrote:
The last thing I said to him was, “Enjoy your dinner, and call me when you’re done.” I never even got to tell him “I love you” one last time. If you have your parents (and are on good terms with them), do yourself a favor and never forget to say those three little words.


Yepp - this is why we got to pamper our aging parents here and there.
 
johns624
Posts: 2737
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:09 pm

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 12:37 pm

When my Mom was in assisted living, I made sure to hug her and tell her I loved her on every visit, which was about every other day.
 
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Revelation
Posts: 23959
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2005 9:37 pm

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 12:48 pm

seb146 wrote:
I lost my father-in-law a few years ago. I posted an odd thread here. We all grieve different. I have no advice for you but grieve. The ones standing beside you saying nothing, doing nothing, just being with you are just there knowing you are going through something.

The whole grieving process is just that: a process. Nothing to "cope" with. Nothing to just have there. Deal with it. Those around you may not understand. Do not apologize for breaking down. Take a break when you need to.

This sounds harsh and I apologize. That is not my intent.

Well said. It's hard to give advise to anyone since we all grieve differently. Whatever way we do it, it's our own way, no better or no worse than anyone else's way.

If the sense of loss is strong, it shows that person was a great presence in your life, and that presence will be with you a long time.

I lost my father without warning. He had a big heart attack with no signs in advance, and was gone. It hurts a lot to this day decades later, but the hurt is what lets you know that person meant a lot and is still with you decades later.
Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
The heart has its seasons, its evenings and songs of its own
 
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Braybuddy
Posts: 6724
Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2004 8:14 pm

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 1:39 pm

Sorry to hear about your dad. It's always hard losing a parent - I lost mine at 14, but at least I had a brother and sister, so being an only child must make it particularly difficult. There's no magic cure for grief, but it does go away -- eventually. The first year is the worst, with all the missed celebrations and then the first anniversary. You won't even notice it easing, but six months or a year down the road you'll have a better perspective. The person will stay very-much alive in your mind, and you will always have many happy memories. You will get through this, and remember him very fondly.
 
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casinterest
Posts: 11321
Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2005 5:30 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 2:03 pm

My condolences on your loss. The loss is sudden and it hurts. You can probably expect to go through many of the below stages of grief even if the death was expected. In your case it seems it was not.

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance


You may spend many days, hours, weeks on some of these stages, and you may come back to some of them over and over. Just know that it is real and a way to cope. Always talk it out with others.

Losing a parent hurts, and eventually you will accept that hurt. For now, just grieve.
Where ever you go, there you are.
 
stratosphere
Posts: 1781
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:45 pm

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 4:35 pm

So sorry for your loss. I unfortunately know loss all too well...I lost my dad 27 years ago my mom 10 years ago my only sibling a younger brother to a Fentanyl overdose 10 months ago and just lost my best friend a few days ago to a drunk driver . As others have said you will go through the grief stages. It takes time I guess. The older you get the more you will be dealing with more death.
 
rfields5421
Posts: 6266
Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 12:45 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Thu Jun 25, 2020 5:55 pm

When my father died, I suddenly realized at age 63 that I had to grow up and be the leader of the family. Being the oldest of six, my siblings looked to me to make decisions. Heck, they hadn't wanted my opinion since they were about five or six.

Sorry that he's gone. While you will think of things you never said, my beliefs are that he's only someplace different, and you can still talk to him. If I listen closely in the quiet, I will hear my father, either just saying, I love you and miss you, or trying to figure out what to do such as the loss of my first greatgrandchild three months ago. (She died in the womb at about 6-7 months).

His quiet advice was essential to let me help my daughter, and my granddaughter.

You mother has a different loss, but she needs your support. Even if you are clueless what to do. Just being there is what she wants for now. Maybe later that will change.

Best of luck, and come back.

(My advice is worth exactly what you paid for it, nothing. But I hope my experience helps you a little.)
Not all who wander are lost.
 
Cadet985
Topic Author
Posts: 2244
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2002 6:45 am

Re: Coping with Loss

Fri Jun 26, 2020 4:06 am

LOT767301ER wrote:
You should post your gofundme.


If not allowed, please remove:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/alan-eichlers-final-expenses

We’re grateful for any help.

Marc
 
ltbewr
Posts: 15124
Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2004 1:24 pm

Re: Coping with Loss

Fri Jun 26, 2020 11:10 am

One of the saddest things about the Covid-19 pandemic is that traditional mourning for our dead didn't or cannot take place.
Fears of infecting others with the virus at funeral ceremonies as did happen early on in a few places in the USA. Overwhelmed funeral homes in some locations (like Queens, NY) delaying processing of remains and unable to hold services or timely burials/cremation. The pages and pages of death notices in the hard hit spots in Italy. Financial hardship as many just don't have an estate and relatives cannot afford to pay for even the most minimal of processing of remains. That others cannot be around you in the days after the death.to help you grieve or with day to day needs. All of that causes significant psychological affects that will linger.
Hopefully some delayed closure will be happen, many will hold memorial services in 2021 when it is 'safe' again from being infected by Covid-19.

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