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WesternDC6B
Posts: 785
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:47 pm

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looked them over, then asked "Is this some kind of joke?"
 
cskok8
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2017 3:37 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Mon Aug 09, 2021 3:11 am

As I sat drinking at the bar 3 rather large ladies walked in and started talking in an accent I have not heard before. So I asked them, are you 3 ladies from Scotland? One of them shouted back, it's Wales, you idiot. So I asked again, are you 3 whales from Scotland? That's the last thing I remembered
 
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WesternDC6B
Posts: 785
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Mon Aug 09, 2021 10:08 am

There was this dyslexic who walked into a bra...
 
User avatar
WesternDC6B
Posts: 785
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Tue Aug 10, 2021 4:57 pm

A monk declares he saw the image of the Lord in his margarine tub.

"I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
 
flipdewaf
Posts: 4185
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2006 6:28 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Tue Aug 10, 2021 9:55 pm

I went to buy some new underwear today, I saw some boxers shorts I liked and said to the sales assistant “excuse me, are these satin?”

“No” she replied “they’re brand new”

Fred


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
User avatar
WesternDC6B
Posts: 785
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 11, 2021 2:16 am

dlipdewaf, a variation.

I went to my favorite restaurant. A sign by the door said shoes and shirts must be worn. Everything I was wearing was in good repair so I went elsewhere.
 
Ken777
Posts: 10194
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2004 5:39 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 12, 2021 1:22 am

My favorite Engineer Jokes that I have had for years. Probably got them here!

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?

”The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.

"The first engineer nodded as he approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.”





Then:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, "Here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?”

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!”

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said "I am going to call a colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?

And finally

Two engineers … ???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
 
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WesternDC6B
Posts: 785
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 12, 2021 10:28 am

Four brothers owned a highly successful business, but, at times, loyalties came into question.

One day, one of the brothers passes away. At the reading of his will, they found out he had stipulated that each of the survivors, in order to demonstrate loyalty, were to place $5,000 in his coffin at the time of his burial.

Brother George duly placed $5,000 cash in the coffin, as did brother Hank. Brother Sam removed the two bundles of cash and put them in his pocket. He then wrote out a check for $15,000 and placed it in the coffin.
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2897
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 12, 2021 11:06 pm

A Russian and an American are in a bar talking about democracy
At one point, the American shouts “The problem with you Russians is, you don’t understand democracy!”. To which the Russian eloquently responded “What do you mean? We got Trump elected didn’t we?”
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2897
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 12, 2021 11:11 pm

An American and an Afghani sit in a bar and talk about democracy.
The American complains: "we really don't have democracy any longer. Politicians do whatever they like and ignore us!". Where upon the Afghani says: "I know what to do about that! Ask the army of the USA to invade you which will bring you regime change and a proper democracy!".
 
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readytotaxi
Topic Author
Posts: 8097
Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:09 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Fri Aug 13, 2021 10:10 am

A man walks into a Pet shop and asks how much are the wasps?
The owner say "I don't sell wasps"
The guy say "Well you've got one in the window."

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
 
Concierge
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 12:18 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 15, 2021 4:22 am

Since it's Airliners.net..

What's the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?

When you turn off the jet engine it stops whining.
 
Concierge
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 12:18 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 15, 2021 4:25 am

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit says 'I think I'm a typo'
 
User avatar
Revelation
Posts: 26710
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2005 9:37 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 15, 2021 5:06 pm

Ken777 wrote:
My favorite Engineer Jokes that I have had for years. Probably got them here!

Hey, Ken!

My favorite engineer joke, told to me by a female engineer:

Q: How do you know a male engineer likes you?
A: He stares at your shoes instead of his.

It hit pretty close to home for me, sigh.
 
Jalap
Posts: 688
Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:25 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 22, 2021 9:36 am

What does a snail say when it's on top of a turtle?


YYYIIIIIHHAAAAAAAAA!
 
flipdewaf
Posts: 4185
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2006 6:28 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 22, 2021 12:08 pm

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani are all in a hospital whilst their wives are giving birth. Unfortunately there is a clerical mix up and babies aren’t identified correctly before being taken to be weighed and so they don’t know who’s is who’s.

The midwife on call explains the situation to the new fathers and they agree to draw straws, the one with the longest straw getting to choose his baby from the 3 first.

They draw straws and the Englishman gets to choose first. He walks in, picks up the brown baby and says “I’ll take this one”.
The Pakistani jumps up and shouts “Hey! What are you doing? That’s clearly mine!!”.
“I know” says the Englishman “but he’s definitely not Welsh.”

Fred


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
vrbarreto
Posts: 417
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:22 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Tue Aug 24, 2021 11:03 am

1950s, Soviet Russia. In a KGB office, an anonymus report runs in with the following:
"I have undeniable information that Ivan Ivanovich is an enemy of the State - he is smuggling diamonds in a pile of logs."
Officers soon raid his house, toss the logpile around, but just to be sure, they cut each and every log in half in case Ivan hid the diamonds in there. Since they find nothing, they excuse themselves and leave. Soon after, the phone rings in Ivanovich's house which he answers.
"Did the KGB visit you?"
"Yes."
"Did they cut all your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Okay, now you'll report me, I want to dig up my garden."

*******************************************************************************

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.

Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".

The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"

Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

*******************************************************************************

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly. They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can’t sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:
“Comrades, you shouldn’t joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know...”
“Nonsense! Who would listen to us?”
“Well, let me show you”
The man walks up to a socket and says into it:
“Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?”
Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.
“See, told you.”
The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.
He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.
“At 3 in the morning the KGB came and arrested them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time.”

*****************************************************************************************************************

Why do Stasi officers travel in threes?
One can read, one can write and the other keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

******************************************************************************************************************

Three men are sitting in a prison cell in Moscow.
They discuss why they were arrested.
"I showed up ten minutes late to work and was arrested for sabotage." said the first man.
"I showed up ten minutes early and was arrested for espionage." claimed the second man.
"I showed up on time and was arrested for owning a western watch." stated the third.

****************************************************************************************************************

A man in Soviet Russia calls the national education minister an idiot. He was sentenced to 15 years in gulag.
5 years for blasphemy, and the 10 years for revealing very important national security information.

****************************************************************************************************************

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.
Each is given the task to find a rabbit released in the woods.

The CIA uses spy planes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.
The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".
 
DH106
Posts: 668
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2005 5:32 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Tue Aug 24, 2021 2:26 pm

My favourite Tim Vine one-liner:
I met a farmer coming down the road and he said to me "I've 68 sheep,would you mind helping me round them up?".
"Sure", I said, "that's 70" :D :lol: :bouncy:
 
User avatar
ER757
Posts: 4242
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:16 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Tue Aug 24, 2021 5:48 pm

The company that makes yardsticks announced they refuse to make them any longer.
 
User avatar
WesternDC6B
Posts: 785
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Tue Aug 24, 2021 9:12 pm

Way back at the birth of Israel, there was - as typical for Israel - much disagreement going on in the legislative body, the Knesset.

Finally, one member storms out and meets with the waiting press. He declared, "Half of the members of the Knesset are IDIOTS!"

This was considered unacceptable and dangerous during the early and fragile days of the country, and demands rang out for him to apologize. He called a press conference. He offered is apology, and closed with, "I was wrong, ladies and gentlemen. Half of the members of the Knesset are NOT idiots."
 
User avatar
WesternDC6B
Posts: 785
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Tue Aug 24, 2021 9:14 pm

ER757 wrote:
The company that makes yardsticks announced they refuse to make them any longer.


Well, as they say down at the German appliance store, give them an inch and they'll take a Miele.
 
User avatar
readytotaxi
Topic Author
Posts: 8097
Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:09 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 26, 2021 10:19 am

My best friend is called Mushroom, cos he's a Fungi to be with.

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