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readytotaxi
Topic Author
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Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:09 am

Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 5:44 pm

With the world going to hell in a hand basket I thought we might have a little light hearted joke corner, and perhaps give you a smile at the end of a hard day. :)

"What do you call a blind dinosaur? - "Do you think he saw us"
"What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? - "Do you think he saw Rex?"

Over to you.
 
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Aaron747
Posts: 16029
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 5:50 pm

A man with no arms or legs was having a nice day at the beach.

A pretty girl walked up and he got her attention: ‘can I smell your hair? I never smelled a woman’s hair before’. She thought sure, why not? and continued on her way.

Soon after another young lady came by. He stopped her and asked for a kiss on the cheek, as he had never been kissed. She obliged and he was quite satisfied.

Not long after, a very attractive lady stopped by. He upped his courage. ‘Would you mind giving me a screw? I have never been screwed before!’ She promptly threw him the water, and now he had.
 
flipdewaf
Posts: 4194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2006 6:28 am

Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 6:05 pm

I feel my post count going up hugely through this thread.

I was hoping to see some fish jokes on here, if you know any could you let minnow?

Did you hear about the man who painted his wife twice with cheese? Double glossed her!

My wife was in a car accident with a guy who’d had seven bears and was texting at the time of the collision, the police said he was entitled to do what he likes on his sofa.

I told my wife I was posting that joke and she said “BNAG” I said “what do you mean”, she replied ”it’s bang out of order”

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2, but how did they get in there?

I think I’m quite good at these pun things so I entered 10 into a local pun competition hoping at least one would win, unfortunately no pun in ten did.

What happened when Jesus went to mount Olive? Popeye punched him.

Fred


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
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casinterest
Posts: 13945
Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2005 5:30 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 6:14 pm

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl in the bathroom? The "P' is silent.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What is an Astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The Space Bar
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I thought i would tell you a good time traveling joke....but you didn't like it.
 
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ER757
Posts: 4244
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:16 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 7:25 pm

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity - I can't put it down
 
johns624
Posts: 4071
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:09 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 7:50 pm

What parts of the body are the last to die? The pupils of your eyes....they dilate.
 
L0VE2FLY
Posts: 1304
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:54 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 9:15 pm

What did the farmer say to his family before dinner? Lettuce pray
 
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ER757
Posts: 4244
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:16 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 9:51 pm

If you go around the corner to buy a sausage in Germany, is that taking a turn for the wurst?

I'll show myself out........
 
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scbriml
Posts: 20127
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2003 10:37 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 10:06 pm

Will glass coffins ever be popular?

Remains to be seen.
 
petertenthije
Posts: 4300
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2001 10:00 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Wed Aug 04, 2021 10:24 pm

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
 
Airstud
Posts: 4949
Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2000 11:57 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 12:22 am

flipdewaf wrote:
My wife was in a car accident with a guy who’d had seven bears and was texting at the time of the collision, the police said he was entitled to do what he likes on his sofa.


I feel safe admitting I just didn't get this one...
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2899
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 1:18 am

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2899
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 1:20 am

"Lockdown Realities":
Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of working with your laptop in bed.
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2899
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 1:23 am

What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2899
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 1:25 am

What will the new generation be called that was born during the COVID-19 Pandemic? Quarantennials.
 
Elkadad313
Posts: 172
Joined: Thu Aug 20, 2020 12:55 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 3:10 am

If bad jokes were both viral and fatal, it would be a pun-demic.
 
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Aaron747
Posts: 16029
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 4:32 am

What do you call a spaceship that complains constantly? A Millenial Falcon.

How does Darth Vader know what you got him for Christmas? He felt your presence.
 
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N14AZ
Posts: 4235
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:19 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 6:21 am

Dieuwer wrote:
What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Good one!
The rest as well, of course.
 
flipdewaf
Posts: 4194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2006 6:28 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 6:29 am

Airstud wrote:
flipdewaf wrote:
My wife was in a car accident with a guy who’d had seven bears and was texting at the time of the collision, the police said he was entitled to do what he likes on his sofa.


I feel safe admitting I just didn't get this one...

It plays on the assumption that someone in a car accident who has been drinking and texting is likely to blame for the incident but actually drinking and texting is fine and it was was the other part who crashed into their house where they were.

Fred


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
Airstud
Posts: 4949
Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2000 11:57 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 7:15 am

flipdewaf wrote:
Airstud wrote:
flipdewaf wrote:
My wife was in a car accident with a guy who’d had seven bears and was texting at the time of the collision, the police said he was entitled to do what he likes on his sofa.


I feel safe admitting I just didn't get this one...

It plays on the assumption that someone in a car accident who has been drinking and texting is likely to blame for the incident but actually drinking and texting is fine and it was was the other part who crashed into their house where they were.

Fred


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


For some moments I thought that might have been it, except I have trouble accepting "car accident" as referring to anything involving fewer than two cars.

Reasoned myself out of a chuckle, there.
 
Virtual737
Posts: 1212
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2016 6:16 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 8:20 am

There was a prize for the best contortionist at the pub last night so I entered myself and won.
 
vrbarreto
Posts: 418
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:22 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 12:12 pm

What's brown and sticky?

A stick..
 
Virtual737
Posts: 1212
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2016 6:16 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 12:25 pm

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
 
bpatus297
Posts: 219
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2016 4:51 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 1:40 pm

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out.
 
User avatar
Aaron747
Posts: 16029
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 2:09 pm

Nelson Mandela, Adolf Hitler, and Michael Jackson are on the deck of the Titanic during the sinking. Mandela says 'we have to save the children!' Hitler replies 'fuck the children!'. MJ, a little excited and confused, responds 'is there time?!'
 
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casinterest
Posts: 13945
Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2005 5:30 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 3:47 pm

I was told to add some wine to my cooking, but after four glasses I forgot why i was in the kitchen.
 
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readytotaxi
Topic Author
Posts: 8113
Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:09 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 4:42 pm

What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.

I finally decided to sell my old vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
 
L0VE2FLY
Posts: 1304
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:54 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 6:33 pm

L0VE2FLY wrote:
What did the farmer say to his family before dinner? Lettuce pray


Dieuwer wrote:
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.


Between my joke and yours we have both ends well covered with lettuce! :lol:
 
Airstud
Posts: 4949
Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2000 11:57 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 7:26 pm

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2899
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Thu Aug 05, 2021 7:29 pm

Oh, I like the last joke :)
 
User avatar
Aaron747
Posts: 16029
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Fri Aug 06, 2021 12:25 am

Airstud wrote:
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."


Classic :lol: Had not heard that one
 
Confuscius
Posts: 3735
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2001 12:29 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Fri Aug 06, 2021 6:18 am

Why do the French have only egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.
 
Elkadad313
Posts: 172
Joined: Thu Aug 20, 2020 12:55 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:21 pm

How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

You rocket.
 
User avatar
Aaron747
Posts: 16029
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:39 pm

My grandfather’s favorite on long California car trips:

Points at windshield bug splatter. “It took a lot of guts to do that!”
 
User avatar
ER757
Posts: 4244
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:16 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Fri Aug 06, 2021 7:04 pm

Aaron747 wrote:
My grandfather’s favorite on long California car trips:

Points at windshield bug splatter. “It took a lot of guts to do that!”

When I was a young child and we'd be on a family road trip, I remember when we'd pass a cemetery and I'd point it out - my Dad would say, "no, that's a marble orchard." Until I was old enough to figure out that was a joke, every time I'd see one again, I'd ask if it was one or the other :smile:
 
flipdewaf
Posts: 4194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2006 6:28 am

Silly daft jokes.

Fri Aug 06, 2021 8:27 pm

What do you call a dog with no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
wingman
Posts: 4174
Joined: Thu May 27, 1999 4:25 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sat Aug 07, 2021 2:52 pm

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know but it's not eight because the light in my basement is still out.
 
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Aaron747
Posts: 16029
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sat Aug 07, 2021 3:25 pm

What do you call a wavy-haired Kiwi who body checks you? A b-a-a-a-stard.
 
meecrob
Posts: 316
Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 6:15 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sat Aug 07, 2021 8:48 pm

Aaron747 wrote:
Nelson Mandela, Adolf Hitler, and Michael Jackson are on the deck of the Titanic during the sinking. Mandela says 'we have to save the children!' Hitler replies 'fuck the children!'. MJ, a little excited and confused, responds 'is there time?!'



Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and an Adobe Acrobat file?

One is a .pdf file, the other is a pedophile.

Edit: I think I read this one on this site years ago, so thanks whoever typed it first!

How do you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
 
Dieuwer
Posts: 2899
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sat Aug 07, 2021 9:24 pm

Aaron747 wrote:
Nelson Mandela, Adolf Hitler, and Michael Jackson are on the deck of the Titanic during the sinking. Mandela says 'we have to save the children!' Hitler replies 'fuck the children!'. MJ, a little excited and confused, responds 'is there time?!'


Rather unlikely situation.
 
L0VE2FLY
Posts: 1304
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:54 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sat Aug 07, 2021 9:37 pm

Why did the teenager lock himself in his room? 'cause he had a date with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters.

Actually this is not just a joke, having a date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 daughters is Australian/Kiwi slang for a guy spending quality time with himself.
 
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Aaron747
Posts: 16029
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 2:07 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sat Aug 07, 2021 11:06 pm

Dieuwer wrote:
Aaron747 wrote:
Nelson Mandela, Adolf Hitler, and Michael Jackson are on the deck of the Titanic during the sinking. Mandela says 'we have to save the children!' Hitler replies 'fuck the children!'. MJ, a little excited and confused, responds 'is there time?!'


Rather unlikely situation.


That's what makes it silly and daft.
 
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seb146
Posts: 23964
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 5:48 am

You can insert any three bordering states you want but the way I heard it:

Why is there so much wind in Oklahoma? Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows.

Again: insert any three bordering states.

My personal favorite (insert rival schools):

What does a Boise State grad say to a University of Idaho grad?

You want fries with that?
 
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ER757
Posts: 4244
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:16 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 6:01 pm

Why didn't John Denver take a shower before his final flight?
He figured he'd just wash up on shore

too soon?
 
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readytotaxi
Topic Author
Posts: 8113
Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:09 am

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 6:19 pm

If toothpaste was going to travel across London, would it go by Tube?
 
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WesternDC6B
Posts: 790
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:32 pm

L0VE2FLY wrote:
L0VE2FLY wrote:
What did the farmer say to his family before dinner? Lettuce pray


Dieuwer wrote:
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.


Between my joke and yours we have both ends well covered with lettuce! :lol:


Lettuce not take things to extreme, at least in not what romaines of our salad days.
 
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WesternDC6B
Posts: 790
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:38 pm

Elkadad313 wrote:
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

You rocket.


Speaking of jokes about babies... The late Fred Allen of radio fame was always known to start his walk down Allen's Alley with a pun. One pun (not his) that I worked out years ago, playing on an old expression for "now it's your turn...

"As the woman with the screaming baby remarked to the judge, 'Your Honor*, the bawl is in your court!'"

For our UK cousins: "M'Lud".
 
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WesternDC6B
Posts: 790
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:42 pm

L0VE2FLY wrote:
Why did the teenager lock himself in his room? 'cause he had a date with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters.

Actually this is not just a joke, having a date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 daughters is Australian/Kiwi slang for a guy spending quality time with himself.


I am not sure this is true; it might be another variation on the "No va" story about Chevrolets in Mexico. Still, here goes: The reason Buick marketed its LaCrosse sedan in Canada under the name Allure was due to French Canadian slang. It seems that "playing lacrosse' is their slang for taking matters into your own hands.

To my great neighbors up north: any truth to this?
 
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WesternDC6B
Posts: 790
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:46 pm

seb146 wrote:
You can insert any three bordering states you want but the way I heard it:

Why is there so much wind in Oklahoma? Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows.

Again: insert any three bordering states.

My personal favorite (insert rival schools):

What does a Boise State grad say to a University of Idaho grad?

You want fries with that?


When I was in the Navy, the Great Lakes Naval Training Center was described thus: "Chicago is the a..hole of the world, and Great Lakes is 40 miles up it!"

I knew a woman so naive she thought the San Diego Naval Training Center was a belly-dancing school.
 
User avatar
WesternDC6B
Posts: 790
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: Silly daft jokes.

Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:46 pm

readytotaxi wrote:
If toothpaste was going to travel across London, would it go by Tube?


During peak hour it might be a tight squeeze...

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