Someone sent me this through the e-mail. Thought you guys might have a kick reading through them.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when Confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, But I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public Address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too."
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated infront of me. "What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That’s nothing. He should see the back of
This came from a group of "real" flight attendants!
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other nnouncements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights to enhance the appearance of your
flight attendants. "
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. "
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. "
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA! "
A flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted. "
From a Southwest Airlines employee. . . . "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YY! Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised. "
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend From the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask beforeassisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child. . . pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. "
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children. . . or other adults acting like children. "
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. "
"Last one off the plane must clean it! "
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault . . . it was the asphalt! "
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate! "
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XY zairline. " He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? " "Why no, Ma'am, " said the pilot, "What is it? " The little old lady asked, "Did we land or were we shot down? "
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Anyone else have any more????