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lamyl_hhlco
Topic Author
Posts: 596
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2000 8:28 am

Pilot Jokes

Fri Apr 04, 2003 6:41 pm

I don't know if you heard about them, but here we go:

plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"
-------
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
------
Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !"
------
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

------
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

------
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning
---------
Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting

(that's stupid but damn funny lol)
-----
On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "Fark I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self"
Pilot: "I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid"

-----
I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time."
ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN."

-----
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
----
A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."

------
ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.

-------
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

-----
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."

(I like that one too Big grin )

May be more coming if u like

Lamyl

http://www.jetkado-fly.com/index.html
 
User avatar
usair330
Posts: 705
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2002 12:48 pm

RE: Pilot Jokes

Fri Apr 04, 2003 7:58 pm

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago
and the son who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and
said. "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats. Why don't big
planes have little planes?" The mother who couldn't think of an answer told
her son to ask the stewardess. So the little boy asked the stewardess the
same question he asked his mother and the stewardess asked "Did your mother
tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said "Tell
your mother, it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

I think that's Funny lol.....

Fly US Airways!!! Send your Cargo UPS!!! :P
 
MidnightMike
Posts: 2810
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2003 10:07 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Fri Apr 04, 2003 11:56 pm


A pilot walks into a bar and orders a scotch, the bartender pours the scotch, using the cheapest brand on the shelf. The pilot takes a sip of the drink and spits it out.

Pilot: That was terrible, that has to be the cheapest scotch you have.
Bartender: You mean you can taste the difference?
Pilot: Damn right, I have been drinking scotch since my younger days, I am a pilot afterall and can afford the best.
Bartender: Well lets have a quick test.

(The pilot pours "3" different scotch brands into "3" different glasses to see if indeed the pilot can taste the difference)
In true fashion the pilot gets everyone right.
A drunken crew scheduler sitting in the corner watching the whole event, then hands the pilot another glass.

Crew Scheduler: Here taste this.
Pilot: Takes a sip, and then spits it out, "Oh my god, that taste like piss!"
Crew Scheduler: "I know that, but whose?"
NO URLS in signature
 
Qb001
Posts: 1923
Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2000 12:42 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 12:43 am

A British Tornado is shut down over Iraq. Saddam Hussein goes on TV and says: "The aggressors will be defeated, we shot down a British plane".

Then George W. Bush goes on TV and says: "Saddam Hussein is a liar. WE shot that plane down".
Never let the facts get in the way of a good theory.
 
raggi
Posts: 886
Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2000 4:34 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 4:18 am


How do you know if there is a pilot at a party?
-he will tell you...



raggi
Stick & Rudder
 
XFSUgimpLB41X
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2000 1:18 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 9:01 am

How do you know a party is half over?


When the Delta pilot says "that's enough about my airplane, let's talk about me."
Chicks dig winglets.
 
User avatar
airzim
Posts: 1490
Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2001 7:40 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 9:25 am

What's the difference between a jet engine and a pilot?

The engine stops whining when it gets to the gate.
 
APP
Posts: 507
Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2000 7:11 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 9:30 am

When we were taxiing to our gate after a BA flight from NCL-LGW, the captain thanked the passengers for flying BA and that he hoped we'd fly with them again, you know the usual stuff.
Then he proceeded to warn us, 'If you're leaving Gatwick by car please be aware of Police speed cameras which are plentiful at the moment, If you are caught speeding by one of these cameras you will be liable to a £100.00 fine, and for that you could fly with us to Venice or many other beautiful European cities!'
I thought this was excellent.

Also overheard a lovely understatement, Pilot stood by his Cessna 340 while it was being refuelled, referring to a starboard wing tank 'that's a 30 gallon tank, and you just put 30.14 gallons in there, I must have ran her pretty dry last night!'

APP.
 
lamyl_hhlco
Topic Author
Posts: 596
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2000 8:28 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 10:04 am

"A British Tornado is shut down over Iraq. Saddam Hussein goes on TV and says: "The aggressors will be defeated, we shot down a British plane".

Then George W. Bush goes on TV and says: "Saddam Hussein is a liar. WE shot that plane down".

that one is excelent lol
 
AerMickey
Posts: 85
Joined: Mon Jan 13, 2003 12:55 pm

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 1:47 pm

How was the copper wire invented?

Two pilots found a penny...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is actuallly a true story from my boss who worked for United Cargo at ORD.

A Luftansa flight was departing ORD and was on a taxi way, while the aircraft in front of the Luftansa flight was asked to position and hold, the Luftansa plane did not move for about 5 minutes. The Luftansa plane was then cleared to position and hold. So ATC being inquisitive asks....

ATC: "Luftansa XYZ, is everything ok?"
XYZ: "Yeah, we are just trying to get our weight and balance finished. The flight attendents are doing another head count right now. We're trying to account for ten more passengers."
Anonymous aircraft : "Check your ovens!"
 
dripstick
Posts: 2320
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2001 9:43 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 2:23 pm

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Dripstick
What's another word for thesaurus?
 
KAL_LM
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Jun 29, 2001 8:58 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 3:25 pm

heard this one years ago...on the PDX ATC. Sorry I can't remember exactly what was said, but it was something like this:

ATC: xx123 heavy (an inbound MD-11), you're not clear to land, please go around (he was trying to land on runway 3/21, the shortest runway here)

xx123: OK, clear to land...

which he did, never thought I'd see a fully loaded MD-11F land in less than 6000 feet!

regards,
Tom
is that a light at the end of the tunnel or just a train?
 
flyingbronco05
Posts: 3484
Joined: Fri May 10, 2002 11:43 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 3:50 pm

AerMickey

That "joke" was just sick and tasteless.

BTW, there is no Luftansa. There is, however, a Lufthansa.

Have a good day.

FB05
Never Trust Your Fuel Gauge
 
Captain Moya
Posts: 64
Joined: Thu Jan 04, 2001 12:55 pm

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 6:58 pm

Don't take life too seriously Flyingbronco05, learn to laugh a little.

An airline pilot suspected his wife was having an affair with another airline pilot. He confronted her about it and she said, "I've told you one zero thousand times negative on the affair!"
 
User avatar
PW100
Posts: 4123
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2002 9:17 pm

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 10:20 pm

Great jokes and stories!
I don’t have a suitable story at hand , however I was E-mailed this true story yesterday. Although it is not really related to this thread, it is so damn good you just have to read it!

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio and the female interviewer was questioning his attitude towards guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you just gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio [NPR] interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

******************************************************************************************************************************

Female Interviewer: “So, General Reinwald, what are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

General Reinwald: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.”

Female Interviewer: “SHOOTING!!?? That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it!?”

General Reinwald: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.”

Female Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

General Reinwald: “I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Female Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers!”

General Reinwald: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended . . . . . . .
ROTFLMAO!!!!
You just gotta love those US Marines!


PW100
Immigration officer: "What's the purpose of your visit to the USA?" Spotter: "Shooting airliners with my Canon!"
 
XFSUgimpLB41X
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2000 1:18 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sat Apr 05, 2003 11:03 pm

Lamyl_hhlco - I do feel that joke was quite tasteless...
Chicks dig winglets.
 
danielbk
Posts: 184
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:20 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 12:00 am

guys (and girls)

lighten up.. a joke is a joke is a joke..

cockpit? it's that little room in the front of the plane where the pilots seat.. but that's not important now
 
MxCtrlr
Posts: 2312
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2001 11:22 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 2:08 am

Lighten up guys! Sick jokes and the airline industry have gone together for years. After almost every crash, there are the inevitable crash jokes that are sick (by some standards) but are merely "black humor" airline personnel use when dealing with bad situations. For example:

Q. What did one alligator say to the other after ValuJet 592?

A. For a low-fare carrier, the food's not bad!

(Another after VJ592) I tried to call ValuJet reservations but they were "swamped".

Q. (After TWA 800) What in-flight movies is TWA showing now?

A. Splash and Forget Paris!

Q. (After Air Florida 90) What did the one Air Florida pilot say to the other?

A. We'll cross that bridge after we hit it!

Q. (After the Air France Concorde) Did you hear about AF's new Business Elite Class?

A. They'll have you off your plane and in the hotel in 2 minutes flat!

(Another after AF Concorde disaster) The French killed more Germans with the Concorde than they did in two world wars!

I could go on and on but the point is that this is normal.

MxCtrlr  Smile/happy/getting dizzy
Freight Dogs Anonymous - O.O.T.S.K.  Smokin cool
DAMN! This SUCKS! I just had to go to the next higher age bracket in my profile! :-(
 
lamyl_hhlco
Topic Author
Posts: 596
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2000 8:28 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 3:49 am

XFSUgimpLB41X - what joke ?
 
fspilot747
Posts: 3455
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 1999 2:58 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 4:31 am

He's got ya there, XFSUgimpLB41X...


FSP
 
Captain Moya
Posts: 64
Joined: Thu Jan 04, 2001 12:55 pm

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 5:36 am

MxCtrlr,

Loved your jokes!
 
XFSUgimpLB41X
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2000 1:18 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 6:49 am

Agh! thatll teach me to post without really looking. That was directed towards Qb001.


Sorry bro! But screw you for finding it funny.  Wink/being sarcastic
Chicks dig winglets.
 
danielbk
Posts: 184
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:20 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 7:41 am

Lamyl_hhlco - do you have any more? these are great!!
cockpit? it's that little room in the front of the plane where the pilots seat.. but that's not important now
 
deltairlines
Posts: 7222
Joined: Mon May 24, 1999 4:47 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 8:06 am

An aviation joke, but a good one nonetheless:

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA
examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got out his logbook and made sure all his paperwork was
in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous
payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his
seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner
hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun..

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but
you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Jeff
 
777guy
Posts: 476
Joined: Sun Sep 24, 2000 2:50 pm

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 8:22 am

A rather tired pilot while overhead Pittsburgh:

"Ladies and gentlemen we are pissing over Pattsburgh"
 
lamyl_hhlco
Topic Author
Posts: 596
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2000 8:28 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 9:28 am

here's a good one LOL

---------
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...

It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX
 
lamyl_hhlco
Topic Author
Posts: 596
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2000 8:28 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 9:33 am

Heard this one the other day: a BA flight, a gorgeous female pax asks to sit in the jump seat for landing. After arrival, she stands up and leaves.
As soon as the flight deck door closes, the FO takes the cushion from the jump seat, holds it to his nose and inhales deeply.
The captain is outraged. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"
"Sorry sir," says the FO. Hands the cushion to the captain. "You first!"
 
danielbk
Posts: 184
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:20 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 9:46 am

I think that some of the posts here prove how much psychological damage we all have here, but.. It's definitely worth every second of it! This is one of the most enjoyable threads in a while..
cockpit? it's that little room in the front of the plane where the pilots seat.. but that's not important now
 
lamyl_hhlco
Topic Author
Posts: 596
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2000 8:28 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 10:00 am

thanx Danielbk , laughing is the best medicine  Big grin
 
propilotjw
Posts: 520
Joined: Mon Mar 27, 2000 1:02 pm

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 10:36 am

awesome jokes guys. absolutely great! remember...these are JOKES...everyone should chill.
 
WMUPilot
Posts: 1428
Joined: Thu Jan 30, 2003 2:48 am

RE: Pilot Jokes

Sun Apr 06, 2003 11:45 am

Q: What do you call a pregnant Flight Attendent?

A: Pilot Error
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