while taxiing at laguardia the crew of a us air flight departing for ft. lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a united 727.
the irate female ground controller lashed out at the us air crew, screaming: "us air 2771, where are you going? i told you to turn right onto charlie taxiway! you turned right on delta! stop right there. i know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between c’s and d's, but get it right!" continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "god, you’ve screwed everything up! it'll take forever to sort this out! you stay right there and don't move ‘till i tell you to! you can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and i want you to go exactly where i tell you, when i tell you, and how i tell you! you got that, us air 2771?"
"yes ma'am,” the humbled crew responded.
naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of us air 2771. nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. tension in every cockpit at LGA
was running high. then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "wasn’t i married to you once?"
the controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
the pilot of the 727 complained, "don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
without missing a beat the controller replied, "roger, give me four thousand dollars’ worth."
a dc-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
san jose tower: "american 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. if unable, take the guadalupe exit off highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
it was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a piper malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at kansas city.
kc approach: "malibu three-two charlie, you’re following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
three-two charlie: "we've got him. we'll follow him."
kc approach: "delta 105, your traffic to follow is a malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. do you have that traffic?"
delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "well... i’ve got something down there. can't quite tell if it's a malibu or a chevelle."
unknown aircraft: "i'm fucking bored!"
ATC: "last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
unknown aircraft: "i said i was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
tower: "eastern 702, contact departure on 124.7."
eastern 702: "tower, eastern 702 switching to departure. by the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
tower: "continental 635, cleared for takeoff. did you copy that report from eastern?"
continental 635: "continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; we copied eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
the german air controllers at frankfurt airport are a short-tempered lot. they not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
so it was with some amusement that we (a pan am 747) listened to the following exchange between frankfurt ground control and a british airways 747, call sign "speedbird 206":
speedbird 206: "speedbird 206 clear of the active."
ground: "guten morgen. you vill taxi to your gate."
the big british airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
ground: "speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
speedbird 206: "stand by a moment, ground, i'm looking up our gate location now."
ground (with arrogant impatience): "speedbird 206, haff you never flown to frankfurt before?"
speedbird 206 (coolly): yes, i have, actually, in 1944. in another type of boeing, but just to drop something off. i didn't stop."
o’hare approach: "united 329 heavy, your traffic is a fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
united 239: "approach, i've always wanted to say this... i've got that fokker in sight."
a pan am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in munich overheard the following:
lufthansa (in german): ground, what is our start clearance time?"
ground (in english): "if you want an answer you must speak english."
lufthansa (in english): "i am a german, flying a german airplane, in germany. why must i speak english?"
unknown voice (in a beautiful british accent): "because you lost the bloody war!"
a sr-71 was crossing the control-zone of london center. it seems that the controller didn't know the service ceiling of this aircraft:
: radar, good day, sandy 67 request FL
ATC (amused): sir, if you can reach, you are cleared FL
: sandy 67 is out of FL
800 descending FL
in his book sled driver, sr-71 pilot brian shul writes, "i'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as walt and i were screaming across southern california 13 miles high. we were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered los angeles airspace. though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. i heard a cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" center replied. moments later a twin beech required the same "120 knots" center answered. we weren’t' the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an f-18 smugly transmitted, 'ah, center, dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout'. there was a slight pause then the response, “525 on the ground dusty.” another silent pause. as i was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, i heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. it was at that precise moment i realized walt and i had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. center, aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?...there was a longer than normal pause. "aspen, i show 1742 knots." no further inquiries were heard on that frequency
ginger 33: "paul, wanna do a fly-by of the tower?"
ginger 35: "we can get into trouble for that."
ginger 33: "wouldn't be the first time."
ginger 35: "ok, let's go."
ginger 33: "edwards tower, ginger 33 is flight of two, 18 miles out requesting option.
edwards tower: "ginger 33, traffic is a blackhawk helo on the south ramp. maintain visual separation and cleared for the option.
edwards tower: (two minutes later) "if i had known you two were going to do that i would have never cleared you! this isn't top gun son! when you land you two have an appointment with the installation commander.
ginger 33: (attempting to contain laughter) "roger, ginger 33."