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CaptainJon
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Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 11:47 am

I just got this in my email today...I found quite a few of these funny, I hope this is the appropiate forum for it.

Enjoy?

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
 
Cory6188
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 11:58 am

I've definitely seen these posted here on a.net at least once or twice before a while back, but they're still funny nonetheless. I particularly like the WN one about the "broken clouds".
 
Boeing744
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:50 pm

Haha, I haven't seen any of those before, so thanks for posting them. Some of those are hillarious!

Quoting CaptainJon (Thread starter):
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."



Quoting CaptainJon (Thread starter):
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."



Quoting CaptainJon (Thread starter):
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 rotfl  rotfl  rotfl 
 
SJCRRPAX
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 1:02 pm

You probably had to be there..., but I think the hardest I ever laughed on a WN flight was in SJC after a male Mexican-Amerian FA gave the safety speech, he pointed up to the exit signs ( <- Salida Exit -> ), and said, "The Mexicans are to exit on the left side, and the White People on the right." The Mexicans will be like pushing and shoving, and taking pictures, and standing in the door way, and saying Hi Maria,! Yoo Hoo..., and the white people will be all lined up politely, "After you sir, no I insist after you... " anyway, like I said you probably had to be there but it put a smile on my face all the way to SAN.
 
edelag
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 1:42 pm

Quoting CaptainJon (Thread starter):
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

My personal favorite.
It's not just the destination, it's the journey.
 
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N405MX
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 2:41 pm

Quoting CaptainJon (Thread starter):
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

It happens  biggrin  hyper 
Life is what happens when you have other plans.....
 
F9Animal
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 3:34 pm

Let me see if I get it right! Last week, my FA had me in tears!

"In the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. Although it is scary, be sure to assist yourself first by strapping the mask on your nose and mouth and adjust the straps. Be sure to help yourself first before assisting children. If the adult sitting next to you is acting like a child, again, help yourself first!"

"If you find yourself needing a cigeratte, please do so after takeoff. You can step outside over the exit on the wing, and puff away. No smoking in the cabin."

Nothing like a little humor! Gotta love the FA's that enjoy entertaining. Flight Attendants have one of the most thankless jobs. I certainly love to have them, especially when the going gets tough.

To this day, I still get nervous in moderate turbulence. When I have a Flight Attendant smile and show calm, I feel so much better. Amazing what the little things they do can make one feel better.

When I was a kid, I could not get the flight attendants to leave me alone when I was flying unaccompanied. I wish I could get away with that today! Damn!
I Am A Different Animal!!
 
aviationfreak
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 7:46 pm

Quoting F9Animal (Reply 6):
"If you find yourself needing a cigeratte, please do so after takeoff. You can step outside over the exit on the wing, and puff away. No smoking in the cabin."

I wouldn't be surprised if there are people actualy stupid enough to try that after such an anouncement.

Airliners World published a couple of funny announcements not to long ago.

I personaly heard this one after arriving 10 minutes early at LTN with EZY:
"We arrived 10 minutes ahead of our schedule. Please remember next time you fly Easyjet and have a delay you have a 10 minute credit."

So far I find English crew have always a good sense of humor....

Sander
I love both Airbus and Boeing as much as I love aviation!
 
n272wa
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 8:07 pm

source: http://ireland.iol.ie/~dkane


The Italian newspaper “La Republica” reported an incident on an Aer Lingus flight EI426 from Dublin to Venice on February 13th.

They say a stewardess pressed the wrong button for the recorded announcements in Italian. Passengers were told, in Italian only, "Stiamo per effettuare un atterraggio di emergenza. Levatevi le scarpe e puntate i talloni contro il sedile", which essentially mean “Ladies & Gentlemen, please prepare for an emergency landing”….

The stewardess was meant to inform the passengers that inflight shopping would be taking place!!

The Italian speakers on board prepared from an emergency landing but were surprised to see all the Irish quite relaxed, talking and laughing….
 
B747-4U3
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 8:09 pm

Last May I was flying BA026 from HKG to LHR. It leaves HKG at 2325 and arrives in LHR at 0432. So, a long night flight.

When the CSD introduced himself he said "Welcome on board ladies and gentleme, my name is.......... We have managed to gather together a team of insomniacs to serve you throughout the night on this flight to London Heathrow. Just after take off we will serve you with dinner, and then breakfast before we pass over the sunlit boulevards of Hounslow"

Another flight was from FCO to LGW with BA. The CSD said, "In ecomomy Erika von Trapp, our on board beautician will be giving her rendition of the Sound of Music."
 
Treg
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Tue Mar 07, 2006 8:12 pm

Happened last week on LH BIO-FRA flight. Before landing to FRA:

Purser (male): Supercabbies - prepare for landing!
Unidentified flight attendant (male): Supercabbies are ready for landind! (giggles in the background).


No comments...  Wink
 
CaptainJon
Topic Author
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 4:25 am

You know, last time I was on CO, they dont even bother talking to you. They have a pre-recorded video explaining everything. Though the Captain did have his jokes. It was a LAX-EWR trip, the captain went on and said "Welcome aboard Continental Flight 90 to Boston"...then a few minutes later he goes somehting like ha i just got you on that one...this was after a recent blizzard here in the NY area and leaving la was around 83 F and going to EWR was like 10 F, so he mentioned the current temperature in NY was 80...then he mentioned he had us again. nice guy...even as we landed he joked with us by saying show of hands, who here on board is warm enough?
 
thepilot
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:07 am

Thanks for the posts, Captain John!
A few I have heard include...
Captain on flight between Chicago and Seattle...
"Today, my lovely first officer Amy will be landing us today. She is going to show you how to make the perfect combination of asphalt and rubber come together. And now, since Amy is flying this beautiful airplane, I feel kind of bored. Anyone know any good jokes?"
From same flight...
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking from the flight deck, the cockpit, the control room, pick your favorite description. Isn't it nice to know there is someone up here actually flying the plane?
On a WN flight...
Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to sing you a song to welcome you to your destination (a couple sing Sweet Home Alabama)
Finally...
And now, we need your full attention because we are about to go over some rocket science. To fasten your seat belt, insert the metal fitting into the buckle, and tighten by pulling on the loose straps. Additionally, time is relative and slows down as you approach the speed of light. Theory of relativity and seatbelts. They just go together. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure...

Great thread by the way.
Happy Flying!
From YVR
 
futureualpilot
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:17 am

I read this one somewhere:

On a regional aircraft some passengers were visibly nervous about flying a "small" airplane. Once in the air, the Captain, in an effort to comfort his passengers, announced over the PA system:

"I understand some of you are nervous, but I assure you, these aircraft are perfectly safe....in fact, if you all lean over to the right side and look out the windows.....we'll tip over! Ha, ha, just a little pilot humor for you..."


I got a chuckle out of it anyway.
Life is better when you surf.
 
GQfluffy
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:20 am

On a GQ flight right before Christmas-

Ok folks, just one more piece of paper work the we'll start engines so don't worry about those funky noises, it's just the squirrels getting warmed up....
This isn't where I parked my car...
 
superhub
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:20 am

Quoting F9Animal (Reply 6):
"If you find yourself needing a cigeratte, please do so after takeoff. You can step outside over the exit on the wing, and puff away. No smoking in the cabin."



Quoting Aviationfreak (Reply 7):
I wouldn't be surprised if there are people actualy stupid enough to try that after such an anouncement.

There was actually a case at CX where a French woman tried to open the cabin door in flight. She was seen by an FA who stopped her. The woman then explained she wanted a cigarette outside.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4456076.stm

[Edited 2006-03-08 01:21:26]
 
Bobster2
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:24 am

This one is probably a common joke, but it was new to me.

On a jetBlue flight from JFK to RSW, the F/A said:

"Welcome aboard Flight 701, non-stop service to San Juan, Puerto Rico [long pause] and now that I have your attention I'll begin the safety briefing."
"I tell you this, no eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn." Jim Morrison
 
andessmf
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:30 am

Thank you for the chuckles!

My own in an SMF-LAX WN flight was: "whoa, slow down baby!"

I still use it with the kids.

Have you guys ever checked out short finals on avweb? If you havent, you should.
 
Airbus_A340
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:51 am

Quoting Superhub (Reply 15):
There was actually a case at CX where a French woman tried to open the cabin door in flight. She was seen by an FA who stopped her. The woman then explained she wanted a cigarette outside.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asi...6.stm

I do think announcements like that are funny, there are loads on Virgin Blue which lightens the atmosphere  Smile Though I don't know if a funny announcement like that would have been made on Cathay Pacific, they are too focused on professionalism. Interesting article though!!
 
superhub
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 10:14 am

Quoting Airbus_A340 (Reply 18):
I don't know if a funny announcement like that would have been made on Cathay Pacific, they are too focused on professionalism. Interesting article though!!

No..CX would never make funny announcements. Their image of good service and professionalism would be tarnished if they allowed cabin crew to be "cool."

But if this woman thinks she can actually light up outside at CX, she would probably believe it if a crew actually says "you can smoke outside."

Some people can be THAT gullible.
 
Aggieflyboi04
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 10:25 am

One of the funniest i have acutally heard was one my roommate did when where where working CLT-TLH a few weeks ago. We had a long day and where really slap happy at the end of the day. She is giving the saftey demo and goes

"If there is a loss of this cabins electrical power, We'll light candels and sing Cumbaya(sp)"

It caught me off guard and I had to stop demoing becuase, I was laughing so hard. Guess you probly had to be there though
 
RC135U
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 10:26 am

Remember when WN got sued by some pax who were "offended" because the
FAs were in a hurry to button up and depart and got on the PA and said "Eeney meeney miney moe, take a seat, we gotta go!"?

Common sense prevailed and it was thrown out of court.
 
nwafflyer
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 10:32 am

Again, and I've said this before -- my favorite -- from the worst Pinnacle flight attendant ever -- I'm not here to serve you, or to help you with any thing -- I'm here for safety only

And, my second favorite, again from Pinnacle - religious songs, sung by flight attendant -- we all had to pay attention too --
 
CaptainJon
Topic Author
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 11:04 am

just got a few more i found today on the internet...(all of these have the same general theme that government employees and flying dont fix  smirk  Wink

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I " looked into it", (I was laughing), I went back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smart-ass!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
 
smitty747
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 11:11 am

On a recent flight from SAN to IAD the captain came on and gave us a rather bleak report on weather and expected delays due to ATC. However he followed that up by stating.. "The good news is....I just saved on ton of money by switching my car insurance to GEICO"
 
Fly2CHC
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 2:18 pm

This is true....I was on a Kuwait Airways flight from JFK to LHR a few weeks ago, and had some of the most interesting crew I have experienced.

A senior looking Chinese flight attendant must have had it in for one guy in particular. He was trying to put his bag in the overhead compartment and she said "Sir, stop fighting your bag". A bit later he was standing up and she asked him to sit down. When he said "I am hungry", she responded "Yea?...well so am I...I'd like some Chinese food preferably".
 
sstsomeday
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 3:01 pm

Quoting Airbus_A340 (Reply 18):
Though I don't know if a funny announcement like that would have been made on Cathay Pacific, they are too focused on professionalism. Interesting article though!!

I see your point, although I think conditions on A/C these days, at least in coach, warrent a bit of humor.

Practically speaking, by the way, I would imagine that humor makes people pay attention to the safety announcements - a definite bonus.

A F/A once said to a bunch of us on Wn - LAS-LAX, "In the event of a water landing, your seat turns into a floatation device. Put your arms between the two straps, paddle to shore, and keep it as your free parting gift.

My experience is that WN has the most humerous F/As.

A Pinnacle F/A told a bunch of us about a month ago, waiting for the door to be closed, that he had a blind passenger come on recently as a pre-board with her seeing-eye dog. So they had been chatting and she lamented - "you know, my dog could probably really use a walk, he's been on duty all day." So the F/O stuck his head out of the cockpit and said, "I can take him." SO he took the lab by his special leash, put on his aviators, and stepped down to the tarmac to start his walk around. Concerned passengers asked - "Who is that walking around the plane?" "That's the first officer," the F/A replied." And THEN he had some quick explaining to do.

He maintained it was a true story.
I come in peace
 
WJ
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 3:11 pm

Some of these are really old but my favorite of all time has been on HP into SNA. The F/A says:

"Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Orange County, where the local time is 10:00. For those of you who smoke, please refrain from doing so until well outside the state of California..."
146,727,732,733,734,735,73G,738,739,742,743,744,752,753,762,763,764,772,300,310,319,320,321,330,343,DC9,D10,MD11,M80,E17
 
Midwest717
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 3:54 pm

Three that I've experienced that I find somewhat funny are:

At RFD, before NW pulled service for the last time, right before take off capt. says in a real mellow voice "uhhh looks like we are uhhhhh number 1 in line for take off." Everyone giggles and pax next to me says "well duh!!!"

On Skyway instead of "flight attendant please prepare for departure" it was "ok Betty, get ready for take-off" and then Betty just rolled her eyes and sighed.

On AC upon arrival in YUL at 11:30PM, Capt. "well it looks like there is a really big snow bank in front of our gate, so we're just gonna sit here until one of the snow plows plow comes over and moves it"
 
PanHAM
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 7:57 pm

I think it was Ansett, before arriving in sleepy ADL, the Captaoin said - set your watches back 30 Minutes and 50 years.

.
Was Erlauben Erdogan!!!
 
bennett123
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RE: Airline Announcements (jokes)

Wed Mar 08, 2006 8:05 pm

SSTsomeday

I heard a story once about the pilot getting on wearing his aviators and a white stick and the FA apparently leading him to the cockpit.

Is it true, who knows but it should be.

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