Seattle-based plane-maker Boeing announced this morning that after nearly four decades of stretching commercial jetliners to make up for their insufficient ability to produce wholly new jets, they will be retiring from the business of making new planes given that their 777 jet is sufficiently popular currently. An anonymous spokesperson for the company reported that, “[the company] has found that the excessive cost and ____ nuisance of developing new jets is simply unnecessary. Rather, we prefer to modify existing airplanes to a ridiculous point.”
While many people are aware of Boeing’s 747 “jumbo jetliner”, they are generally unaware that the jet has been offered to airlines in a grand total of no less than thirteen variants, including two stretched models, one shortened one, and at least four with modified wings.
“As you can see,” the anonymous spokesperson commented, “we have found that it is possible to avoid making new jets by merely modifying older ones.” Boeing capitalized on this philosophy by merely renaming jets with no actual modifications whatsoever, as in the case of the MD-95 which Boeing cleverly renamed the 717. “At one point there was going to be a 717 produced, but we forgot how to build it and had to thieve someone else’s plans.” An act which, it is interesting to note, took a mere three decades since the 727 was introduced. The 727 is another stretched jet, offered to airlines as a modified -200 series after the original -100 had operated well.
But the next plane in the series, the 737, is the ultimate expression of Boeing’s ability to modify jets. Their 737 jet, threatened in it’s reign as world’s-most-popular by the more-luxurious Airbus A320 product, was modified so quickly that only about 20 of their original 737-100s were built. Though the 200 series sold well, Boeing stretched it only slightly to make the 300 and thereafter even further to make the 400. “After the 400 we had a bit of a headache. We thought about stretching it even further but the idea seemed unpopular with pilots who reported a maximum rotation of 1 degree on the 400 series.” Boeing’s solution was obvious, shrink not stretch. The 400 was cut to make the short 500 series, which in turn was very slightly re-stretched to make the 600 which in turn was stretched to make the 700 which in turn was stretched to make the 800 which in turn was stretched to make the 900 which in turn was stretched to create a funny computer graphic.
“Without going into detail, I’ll say simply that we’ve had incredible success selling stretches of jets, such as the 737-900, 757-300, and 767-400 – all of which have been outsold by the not-even-existent Airbus A380 product.”
Boeing’s decision came after hours of debate as to whether or not jet stretching could continue indefinitely.
“The longer we make ‘em, the taller we’ll stand ‘em,” said the spokesperson, noting that longer jets would have to be higher off the ground.
“…therefore, Boeing Commercial Airplane Group herewith resigns from the business of designing new jetliners.”
And, amazingly, it’s spreading. Airbus Industrie in Europe has just launched the entirely new A340-600 series jet to take the title of world’s-longest plane.
“They say it’s for more range and more passengers, but when you look at the fuselage, notice the very first word…”