Welcome to Super High Intensity Travel (S.H.I.T.) Airlines! Home of the lowest fares - guaranteed!!
We absolutely positively guarantee that we will be the lowest fare on any route we fly, and we promise to (eventually) refund the difference if you find a lower fare on another airline.
To ensure that you NEVER pay more for your airfare than you have to, and because of a recent court ruling requiring us to do so, we are listing all the extra charges you may encounter when travelling. Keep in mind, all of these charges are optional, and you are not required to utilize any of these services:
1) Ticket Purchase Fee. To book your flight via the phone, there will be a $10 fee. To book your flight via the internet, there will be only a $5 fee. To book your fee at the airport, there will be a $15 fee, plus an additional $10 talk-to-a-real-person fee.
2) All tickets are non-refundable and non-changeable. If your plans change, you must buy a new ticket. If we screw up and leave you stranded, there will be only a modest $25 we-screwed-up fee, plus the $10 talk-to-a-real-person fee added to your ticket. Notice the fee is discounted if it is our mistake (which it never will be!)
3) Check-in fee. To check-in on-line and obtain your boarding pass, there is a $5 fee. Checking in at the airport will be a $10 fee if you use the kiosk, and $15 for checking in with one of our helpful personnel, plus the $10 talk-to-a-real-person fee. All additional chit-chats are $1.99 per minute, so keep those gabby old people in check!!
4) Baggage fee. First bag is $25, second bag is $100, and the third bag will require you buy a separate ticket. If you wish the bag to actually be loaded onto the plane, this will be an additional $50 per bag.
5) Carry-on Fee. Each carry-on bag is $15, including purses, briefcases, laptop computers, books, and any other items you bring onto the plane. All passengers travelling without any luggage whatsoever will be assessed a $10 no-bag fee, assuming that TSA lets you through.
6) Concourse fee. If you should wish to wait in our airport waiting area around our gates, there will be a $10 fee per person, per hour. Passing through our area on your way to the jetbridge counts.
7) Jetbridge fee. These things are expensive to maintain and operate, so passengers will need to swipe their credit cards when heading through the turnstile to board the plane. There is a $15 jetbridge fee, payable both on entry and departure from the plane.
SPECIAL NOTE: For those passengers who wish to bypass the jetbridge, repelling equipment can be rented for a mere $10. Any damage to the plane from grappling hooks, however, must be paid for by the passenger. You are not permitted to use your own equipment.
In the event that a Star Trek-style transporter system becomes available, a fee will be assessed for all travellers enterting and deplaning via this system. More on that when it becomes available.
8) Aisle Fee. If you wish to access your seat by the aisle, there is a $5 fee for each time you walk down the center of the aircraft. This includes trips to the lavatory as well as standing up to stretch your legs.
9) Overhead Compartment Fee. If you wish to place anything in the overhead bin, space is available for a mere $5. Swipe your card to open the door. There is a $10 fee for each time the door is opened, which also includes arrivals. If you cannot pay to open the compartment at the end of the flight, then all materials automatically become property of Super High Intensity Travel Airlines, Inc.
10) Underseat Storage Fee.The storage space under the seat in front of you is available for $10.
11) Seat Fee. The use of our seats requires a $25 rental for aisle or window and $22.50 for middle seats.. Standing is not permitted for any passenger.
12) Seat Belt Fee. The FAA mandated use of seat belts is $10 per seat.
13) Bodily Functions Fees. Pay toilets are available for your convenience. Please note that the fee is $5 for each 60 seconds!! At the end of that time, the door will open, exposing you to the line waiting, so make it quick!
Flushing Fee: $2 Not Flushing Fee: $5 Water to wash up $3 Soap: $2 Towels to dry: $3 each.
There is no fee for holding your bladder until the end of the plane, but there is a $20 cleaning fee if you are unable to make it until that time.
14) Vomit Fee. There is a $5 barfing fee per passenger, per puke, plus an additional fee for vomit bags. The fee still applies if you use your own collection equipment.
15) Refreshment Fee Soft drinks are available for $6, water for $8, alcoholic drinks for $20. There is a $2 looking-at-the-cart-to-see-what-is-available fee.
Tray tables can be raised and lowered for a modest fee of $1 per lower/raising.
PLEASE NOTE: There is a $2 fee per item for bringing your own food and liquids onto the plane. Hamburger and fries, for example, counts only as two items.
16) Overhead Light & Ventilation Fee. SHIT Airlines planes are kept dark to be green and to save on power. To use your overhead light, swipe your credit or debit card for the modest fee of $5 per hour. To use your overhead ventilation system, swipe your credit or debit card for the modest fee of $5 per hour. Intensity changes are $1 per change.
PLEASE NOTE: The usual recirculation system, normally found on all major commercial aircraft, is left off by S.H.I.T. Airlines, in our effort to save the planet. Any air you wish to breathe must be paid for by you the passenger.
17) Trash Disposal Fee. The use our trash dumpsters is $3 per item. This includes vomit bags (in addition to the pukage fee). Carrying out your own trash is appreciated, and is only a modest $1 fee per item.
18) Emergency Oxygen Fee. In the event of a pressurization change (for which there are no fees!!), oxygen masks will drop in front of your face. Please swipe your credit card to start the flow of oxygen. The charge is $10 per minute.
19) Emergency Evacuation Fee. In the event that an emergency evacuation will be necessary, the same $15 entering/deplaning fee applies for emergency exits as does for the jetbridge fee.
20) Window Shades Fee. There is no fee for lowering or raising them when instructed by airline personnel, but should you wish to lower them if the sun is too bright or raise them to avoid paying the lighting fee, there is a $5 surcharge.
21) Speaking To Crew Fee. If there is anything we here at Super High Intensity Travel Airlines can do to make your trip more comfortable, please don't hesitate to call on us! Flight attendants can be spoken to for a mere $5 per visit. Should you need a blanket or pillow, those are available for $15 each, plus the cost of a fligh attendant visit, plus the cost of opening AND closing the overhead bins.
22) Retrieving Your Bags - The "Carousel" Fee. If you checked a bag, you will need to pick it up at one of our baggage carousels. Bags can be removed from the carousel for a mere $5 per bag.
PLEASE NOTE: Should we accidentally lose your checked bags, there is a $25 charge, payable in advance, to speak to a baggage person at the airport. If your bag can be located, there is a $50 fee per segment to get it back to you. If your bag can NOT be located, the $25 fee still applies.
S.H.I.T Airlines cannot be held liable under any circumstances for either the contents of your checked bags or the ability to get your bags to their final destination under the following hazardous conditions:
Temperatures above 75 degrees F (25 C)
Temperatures below 75 degrees F (25 C)
Actions taken by the TSA
We here at S.H.I.T. Airlines thank you again for your patronage, and we look forward to once again providing you with the best value for your travelling dollar. We are fully committed to providing you with the lowest cost transportation, so we know you won't mind all the extra fees - because you only pay for the things you absolutely need, saving you money in the long run!!
Cost of the ticket, LAX
: $198 on the "Super-Duper Extra Special Transcon Value Fare" ($99 each way, although a one-way ticket is $599)
Internet Purchase Fee: $10
Checking-In On-Line Fee: $5
First Bag Fee: $25
Two Carry-On Bag: $30
Concourse Fee: $10
Entering Plane Fee: $15
Aisle Fee: $5
Seat Fee: $25
Underseat Storage Rental: $10
Overhead Bin Rental: $5
Opening/Closing Bin: $20
Seat Belt Fee: $10
Lavatory Visit: $5 + $5 aisle fee
Flushing Fee: $2
Water, Soap, 2 Towels: $11
Disposal of the towels in the bin: $9
Returning To My Seat Using The Aisle Again Fee: $5
Bringing-My-Own-Food Fee: $6, plus the cost of cheeseburger, fries, and small diet coke ($17.99 plus tax)
Tray Table Usage Fee: $2 (once up, once down)
Ventilation Usage Fee: $25 (4½ hour flights @ $5 per hour or part thereof).
Food Trash Disposal Fee: $3 ($1 per item) (God willing there's a trash can in the airport!!)
Deplaning Fee: $15
Aisle Fee: $5
Carousel Fee: $5
Total Cost: $466
I am going to try to sit on an aisle seat and not look out the window, as well as avoiding talking to any personnel at all, barfing, or looking at the refreshment cart. Hopefully there will be no depressurization and no emergency exit needed AND
my checked bag made it!!
So how long until THIS is a reality?
Pan Am:The World's Most Experienced Airline - P(oor) S(ailor's) A(irline): San Diego's Hometown Airline-Catch Our Smile!