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Kunoichi
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Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 10:52 am

Okay, here's the deal...

My friend is in deep sh*t currently, and asked me to take care of her ferret for a few months until she's back on her feet. I asked my mother if this was okay, and she said yes, so when my friend called, I told her it was fine. I'm due to pick up the ferret monday.

My dad suddenly blew up today when he heard about the ferret thing. He told me that I'm not allowed to have anymore animals, to which I replied that I wasn't getting anymore animals- I'm only gonna take care of this ferret for someone else, probably just for a couple of months- and that I, by the way, had gotten permission from my mother. When my dad asked my mother if this was true, she just blatantly denied...  eek 

And the rant went on. I was told by my father that I should "get my a*s in gear and move out" (I'm on the list for an apartment and due to move in in November), that I've done nothing for the past few months than lying into their faces- and I just can't see when exactly I've lied to them or why I would do that... also, i was told that he doesn't "particularly care for me"... Ouch.

Well, to shorten things up, I've decided to move out earlier than November- if I tell the people that I really want to get out of here ASAP, they'll help me out.

I'm just wondering if I'm overreacting here? Things between my father and I have always been tense, and I just feel that I can't really deal with it anymore- I don't want to endanger my mother's and his relationship (she's always supportive of me, and he doesn't approve of it), so I feel it'd be the best to just let it be.

I just don't get those comments. Did I do something wrong?

I'm just writing this to get some imputs. And as this is one of the only forums I frequent, I felt it'd be okay.
"Do you speak fluent Canadian?"
 
ZBBYLW
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RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 11:00 am

Hi Kunoichi,

This happens more then you thing, in my house hold it is my mom and my sister, from our family neither side is 100% to blame nor 100% perfect. If I were you I would speak to your mother in private... ask her why she did not side with you when you were talking with your father, perhaps you can still work something out. As for moving out early, if you can afford it and want to do it great, I live on my own (get along well with my mother and father) but I love it. If you think you will enjoy living on your own then go for it, just know you can not go back  Wink anyways good luck with everything.
Keep the shinny side up!
 
LogansGirl
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RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 11:22 am

During my late to mid teen's, my Dad and I had a very adversarial relationship. He once told me if I was going to leave, I may as well not come back. I left that night and after a few weeks, I came back.
I thought it was all about my relationship with my Dad back then. I now know that it's my Mom who was jealous of Daddy loving me that put the spin on things. My advice would be:

1. You are living in your parents' house, follow their rules in general.
2. If your Mom is saying one thing to you, and another to your Dad, ask yourself, "Did I misunderstand, or am I being sabotaged?"
3. If you were renting from someone, would you respect the pet restrictions they imposed?

If you are in a position to be able to move out, do so and figure out for yourself the value of your relationships with your parents as individuals. You might be surprised.
Never lose your love for animals. That marks you as someone who loves the Silent Majority. Be their advocate.

The first lesson over the Temple at Delphi was "Love One Another." Do it even when you don't think you're receiving it.
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TedTAce
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RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 12:08 pm

If you were over 18, I'd say don't let the door hit you on the way out, but as I recall, you are not. These are your parents, love them or hate them. If your friends are so willing to take you, why not just take the ferret that would be accompanying you anyway? If you need to do your own thing fine, get out, but don't walk away in total from your parents, no matter how much you resent them. I wasted a couple of years of my life hating my parents and I regret it to this day even though I'm on good terms with them now. Don't waste your family life, no matter how difficult it is.
This space intentionally left blank
 
cxsjr
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RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 3:46 pm

Quoting Kunoichi (Thread starter):
my mother's and his relationship

I don't mean to sound cruel here but ....

If your mother says it's OK for you to keep the ferret for a few weeks then, when confronted by your father over the whole episode, she denies having given you permission, then the relationship between them is probably not as good as you'd like to think it is.

If your mother can't be honest with your father over what is in reality a minor matter, then what chance does she stand when it comes to more major issues?

Also, your mother hasn't done you any favours by saying one thing to you then lying to your father and dropping you in the crap. This would lead me to question your relationship with your mother too.

Quoting Kunoichi (Thread starter):
Things between my father and I have always been tense

Sounds like your father, especially, may have issues, quite probably dating back to his childhood days and his relationship with his parents. How well do they/did they get on?
The world is a book, those who do not travel read only one page ....
 
andessmf
Posts: 5689
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2006 8:53 am

RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 4:14 pm

Quoting Kunoichi (Thread starter):
that I've done nothing for the past few months than lying into their faces- and I just can't see when exactly I've lied to them or why I would do that... also, i was told that he doesn't "particularly care for me"... Ouch.

I am going to have to be a little blunt with you, Janni, but sometimes the struggles that you have gone thru can also be hard on your parents. They can question whether they did something wrong, or perhaps you did. But your father (is he your real father?) giving you that last line is just SHIT.

Quoting Kunoichi (Thread starter):
Things between my father and I have always been tense

See logansgirl response. There might be something there.

Quoting Kunoichi (Thread starter):
Did I do something wrong?

Never hurts to question yourself about that, as this allows to take control over a situation by assuming part or total responsibility over what happened.

Quoting LogansGirl (Reply 2):
During my late to mid teen's, my Dad and I had a very adversarial relationship. He once told me if I was going to leave, I may as well not come back. I left that night and after a few weeks, I came back.
I thought it was all about my relationship with my Dad back then. I now know that it's my Mom who was jealous of Daddy loving me that put the spin on things. My advice would be:

1. You are living in your parents' house, follow their rules in general.
2. If your Mom is saying one thing to you, and another to your Dad, ask yourself, "Did I misunderstand, or am I being sabotaged?"

Excellent speech.

I have one sister who insisted that my mother treated her wrong partly to deflect the attention she was getting from others (and therefore not directed at my mother), so I don't dismiss the theory offhand.
 
LOT767-300ER
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RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 4:21 pm

To put things into normal perspective.

My dad thinks 1 dog (golden retriever) in our house is enough (frankly, so do I)

Dont you have like 20 pets including 5 cats, 2 horses, 2 ferrets, fish, 2 dogs and stuff already?

I see people like that on episodes of Cops or Animal Planet....if I were youre dad id be pissed off at another smelly rodent entering my household.
 
jafa39
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RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Sun Apr 15, 2007 4:24 pm

Oooh dear....this is such a common scenario and you'd think men and women would have learnt by now but then your folks are probably my age.

Always, always, always get both parents permission, it just is easier that way.

Some men can't support any decision made in their absence, even it is was one they might have supported if you had asked them. Some women have to cave in and deny things if they suddenly find hubby isn't up for it.

We have a similar but opposite situation at home, we never believe The Hormones when she says "Dad said it was OK" or "Mum said it was OK" without cross checking, she isn't a liar in a malicious way but she does like to get her own way and has a variety of strategies...however, we don't have a Guinea-Pig and she pulled out all the stops on that one!!!

Now I'm not saying you've been doing this, just that family politics are often very complex.

I feel really sorry for you that your Dad said he didn't care for you much Sad

Anyway, you're not necessarily over reacting, it is time to get the hell out and make your own mistakes in life, the nest gets too small after a while and if there are tensions then it isn't going to do you any good at all, or them!

BUT....if you want some fatherly advice from an old hand.........Doing favours for friends is the easiest way to get in the poo......really, it is, and Mrs Jafa took 40-odd years to work that one out! Her Achilles Heel was taking in lodgers, always the same types of people, stoners who were "between jobs", hopeless fuck-wits that she got to know and felt sorry for....never again!!

She still gets the urge but understands why I say a big fat "NO!" Every time...Nathan the Surf Dude was the last and there will be no more.

Good luck!
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
Kunoichi
Topic Author
Posts: 743
Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2007 2:22 pm

RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Mon Apr 16, 2007 12:47 am

Hey everyone. Thanks for your responses. I'll just reply to a few quotes here:

Quoting Cxsjr (Reply 4):
Sounds like your father, especially, may have issues, quite probably dating back to his childhood days and his relationship with his parents. How well do they/did they get on?

That could very well be it. His parents were divorced when he was 15, and moved out on him (left him in the house) when he was 17 to fend for himself. He was okay with them when I was born, but they only lived till I was 6 or something... I still remember the day when the hospital called and told my father that grandpa died- it always phased me that he didn't even blink when he told me, but people handle grief differently- it just surprises me that he never handled it at all..

Then again, I know for a fact that it takes a psychiatrist to make my dad cry... We've been in family therapy once when I was going through a depression, and the psychiatrist "forced" my dad to cry because he claimed he had never done so since he was 17.

Quoting LogansGirl (Reply 2):
1. You are living in your parents' house, follow their rules in general.

First- thank you so much for that post. It's a great one! Onto the quote:
I do. I've never gone against their will, but this time around, I kinda have to- I won't let my friend (or her ferret) down.

Quoting LogansGirl (Reply 2):
2. If your Mom is saying one thing to you, and another to your Dad, ask yourself, "Did I misunderstand, or am I being sabotaged?"


My mother's response to the request wasa loud and clear "Yes you can"- exact words used, no misunderstandings. The sabotage thing is possible, but I choose to believe she just does it to not fall out with my dad.

Quoting LogansGirl (Reply 2):
3. If you were renting from someone, would you respect the pet restrictions they imposed?

Yes.

Quoting LOT767-300ER (Reply 6):
Dont you have like 20 pets including 5 cats, 2 horses, 2 ferrets, fish, 2 dogs and stuff already?

I see people like that on episodes of Cops or Animal Planet....if I were youre dad id be pissed off at another smelly rodent entering my household.

First off- my dad and my mom usually take in pets too. Not all of them are mine, although I do most of the work with taking care of them.

In the house, we have 2 dogs (one is mine), 3 cats (two are mine) and a ferret (mine- in my room. Parents don't interact with it). The horse is not even living at home but is placed in a barn around 8 km away and my parents don't have to interact with it.

Comparing me to the people you see on animal planet is offensive- these people NEGLECT their animals- I'll have you know mine are properly taken care of and my family and I WORK for the RSPCA- they're usually the ones sending foster-pets our way and even check the home to make sure we're fit for being a foster home. My dad even SUGGESTED this back in the days.

So if my dad "didn't want another smelly rodent in his household" (and none of them smell if you clean properly- I take it you don't like taking care of animals properly), he probably wouldn't invest free time in helping out the RSPCA with rehoming animals, would he?

Please watch your mouth.

Quoting Jafa39 (Reply 7):
Reply 7

Thanks Jafa.

Quoting Jafa39 (Reply 7):
Doing favours for friends is the easiest way to get in the poo

I normally don't really... But when an animal's life is at risk because my friend is in a shitty situation, I figured it'd be okay to help her and the animal out.

Well, apart from all of this... I talked to my mother, and I'm going to get the apartment before November, hopefully. It'll be a 2 or 3 room apartment, around 500 meters from where my parents live.  Smile I won't waste time hating my parents- frankly, I hope our relationship will improve when they don't have to spend time with me 24/7/365. Thanks for all of your help.  Smile

[Edited 2007-04-15 17:51:28]
"Do you speak fluent Canadian?"
 
QANTASforever
Posts: 5791
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2001 6:03 am

RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Mon Apr 16, 2007 12:58 am

Quoting Kunoichi (Thread starter):
My friend is in deep sh*t currently, and asked me to take care of her ferret for a few months until she's back on her feet.

Hang on...am I the only one who caught this bit? When you say "she", do you mean the ferret or your friend? Do you have special ferret-healing abilities?

Quoting Jafa39 (Reply 7):
Oooh dear....this is such a common scenario and you'd think men and women would have learnt by now but then your folks are probably my age.

Ah yes, the ole' ferret-as-third-wheel story. It's timeless really. Advice concerning it is passed down through the ages and now constitutes a unique generational bond between fathers and sons.

I have a question. What sort of "sh*t" can someone be in that they have to fob off a *ferret* (of all things) to someone else? I'm struggling to visualise a situation in which a ferret owner has to give up ownership of their beloved pet due to a "few bumps on the road".

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
Kunoichi
Topic Author
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Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2007 2:22 pm

RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:10 am

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 9):

Hang on...am I the only one who caught this bit? When you say "she", do you mean the ferret or your friend? Do you have special ferret-healing abilities?

I meant my friend  Silly The ferret is okay (and male)  Wink As for the healing abilities, I'm not so sure Big grin

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 9):
I have a question. What sort of "sh*t" can someone be in that they have to fob off a *ferret* (of all things) to someone else? I'm struggling to visualise a situation in which a ferret owner has to give up ownership of their beloved pet due to a "few bumps on the road".

1) her boyfriend through 13 years left her and threw her out of his apartment w/ferret.
2) She has to live with her friends/sister/brother (not sure which- didn't ask) until she finds her own place (I'm not sure which)- who has 8 children and 3 dogs. No room for a ferret.
3) She has to find an apartment- and in the city where she lives, that's not a walk in the park.
"Do you speak fluent Canadian?"
 
QANTASforever
Posts: 5791
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2001 6:03 am

RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:15 am

Quoting Kunoichi (Reply 10):
1) her boyfriend through 13 years left her and threw her out of his apartment w/ferret.

Was this because of said ferret?

Quoting Kunoichi (Reply 10):
No room for a ferret.

How biblical.

Quoting Kunoichi (Reply 10):
3) She has to find an apartment- and in the city where she lives, that's not a walk in the park.

Is this because of said ferret?

It's just - I don't know if you've already noticed (perhaps it's venom has placed you in a trance-like state?) but ferrets are awful.

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
Kunoichi
Topic Author
Posts: 743
Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2007 2:22 pm

RE: Parent Problems - Am I All Wrong?

Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:28 am

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 11):
Was this because of said ferret?

No- they had had the ferret for 3 years- I'm not sure what the cause was.

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 11):
Is this because of said ferret?

No- you're llowed to have pets in most apartment buildings in denmark unless you wanna be in the middle of the city- and even if you don't have pets, it usually takes ages to get an apartment.

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 11):
It's just - I don't know if you've already noticed (perhaps it's venom has placed you in a trance-like state?) but ferrets are awful.

 rotfl  I quite like them- mine behaves more like a dog than a ferret and is absolutely sweet.  Smile
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