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User avatar
fraspotter
Posts: 2251
Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 8:12 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Thu Sep 13, 2007 5:18 pm

Why are black people such fast runners?

-Because all the slow ones are already in jail!


Why did the Mexicans create refried beans?

-Have you ever heard of a Mexican getting something right the first time?
"The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee."

— Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Sep 14, 2007 1:01 am

A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Sep 14, 2007 1:53 am

40 Scousers arrived at heaven's gates, St Peter said we've only got room for 12 so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in.
5 minutes later St Peter says to God,they've gone.
God says what, all 40 of them? No the f****in gates.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Sep 14, 2007 5:29 pm

A little old lady went into the Bank of England one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, £165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet. "£25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, okay," said the president, £25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She Replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of England's president's balls in my hand."
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
cumulus
Posts: 1003
Joined: Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:39 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:43 pm

Woman pulls a black man in a nightclub and says "Show me it's true about what they say about black men" - so he stabs her and steals her handbag.

Cumulus.
(Who's not Racist but loves the jokes!!!)
What Goes Up Must Come Down, Hopefully In One Piece!
 
A342
Posts: 4017
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 11:05 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Sep 15, 2007 5:13 am

God forgive me this one!


What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?







The pizza doesn't scream in the oven!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And a somewhat less offensive one:


A Mexican, an African American and a white American are walking on a beach. Then they find this lamp...

The African American rubs it. Genie appears and says: "I'll grant you one wish each." The African American says: "I wish that all Blacks like me shall happily live in Africa, where our roots lie." And Genie grants him the wish. All the African Americans suddenly appear in Africa and start dancing.
The Mexican says: "Oh, I also wish that all of us who came from Mexico can happily live at home". The wish is granted: All Mexicans suddenly appear at home and start drinking Tequila.
Genie asks the white American: "And what do you wish?" The guy asks genie: "Well, you mean to say that all the N***as and S**cs are outta here?"
Genie replies: "Yes, that's right...".
The guy says: "Oh well, then I'd have a Coke please..."
Exceptions confirm the rule.
 
YVRLTN
Posts: 2344
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 1:49 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Sep 15, 2007 3:48 pm

Quoting Femme (Reply 203):
>Thank f**k David Seaman was a goalie!!!!

This reminds me of one from a few years ago... Gary Glitter has been appointed the new England coach - he has already put Seaman in the under 16's...

Why do gays like ribbed condoms?? To gain traction in the mud.

My friend came running inside shouting 'there are 5 guys outside beating up your mother in law - arent you going to help??'' 'No' i replied '5 should be enough'

What do a blond and a Ford Escort car door have in common?? The more you bang em, the loser they get...
Follow me on twitter for YVR movements @vernonYVR
 
TBCITDG
Posts: 851
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2004 5:17 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Sep 15, 2007 5:48 pm

You know your Italian when:

* At some point of your life you where a DJ
* when you have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is "he soulda kept his big yap shut!"
* when your mum asks you for your shaving cream and razor
* if some one in your family grows above 5'6", it is presumed the mother had an affair
* your mechanic, plumber, travel agent, electrician are all blood relatives

:D
 
Confuscius
Posts: 3691
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2001 12:29 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:33 am

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?


A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.
Ain't I a stinker?
 
User avatar
BNE
Posts: 2925
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2000 9:37 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 9:56 am

Three newly married men were having a drink and telling each other about the duties they had assigned to their wives on their return from honeymoon.

Terry had married an American lady and bragged that he had told her she was going to do all the dishes and all the housework. He said he'd had to nag her for a couple of days but on the third day he had come home to a clean house and found that all the dishes had been washed and put away.

Jimmy had married an Australian and he boasted that he had ordered his wife to do the dishes, all the cleaning, and all the cooking. He said that nothing happened on the first day, but the next day was somewhat better, and by the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge hot dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He said that he had explained that her duties were to clean the house, to wash the dishes, to mow the lawn, to do the laundry, and to prepare and serve three hot meals a day. He went on to say that he couldn't see anything on the first day nor on the second day, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down, enough anyway for him to see out of his left eye so that he could fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call in a landscaper.


God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, 'Where have you been?'

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things,' God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'

'Ah,' God said. 'That's Washington state, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of airplanes, coffee, and software.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'

God smiled, 'There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there'.
Why fly non stop when you can connect
 
runway777
Posts: 192
Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 2:34 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 10:08 am

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 10):
What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start

What do you call a sedan that goes over a cliff and kills 4 lawyers?
A tragedy. It seats five.

whats with the hatred towards lawyers.. like i see it, but if i wasnt a pilot id easliy be a lawyer..
"kalli, be the best pilot you can be, who happens to be a girl" -Joe White
 
Blackbird
Posts: 3384
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 1999 10:48 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 10:53 am

This one's totally lame, but

"Confucious say -- Men who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger"


Andrea Kent
 
DeltaAVL
Posts: 1525
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:15 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 11:49 am

Quoting Blackbird (Reply 263):
This one's totally lame, but

"Confucious say -- Men who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger"


Andrea Kent

"We break, We bend, With hand in hand, When hope is gone, Just hang on." -Guster
 
thepilot
Posts: 1191
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 2:34 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 3:37 pm

Quoting BNE (Reply 261):
'Ah,' God said. 'That's Washington state, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of airplanes, coffee, and software.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'

God smiled, 'There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there'.

Being from Washington State, I love this one!  Smile

Here's a few good ones my Jewish friend told me today.

What's the difference between a canoe and a Jew? A canoe tips...

Why is it that Jewish girls only date circumsized men? Jewish girls won't touch anything that isn't 20% off...

Bear in mind, I am not anti-semetic. These were told to me by my Jewish friend.
From YVR
 
LAXspotter
Posts: 3227
Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 4:16 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 5:47 pm

Quoting Thepilot (Reply 265):
Here's a few good ones my Jewish friend told me today.

What's the difference between a canoe and a Jew? A canoe tips...

Why is it that Jewish girls only date circumsized men? Jewish girls won't touch anything that isn't 20% off...

Bear in mind, I am not anti-semetic. These were told to me by my Jewish friend.

LOL, ROTFL I'm writing these jokes down as we speak, what an awesome thread.
"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel" Samuel Johnson
 
User avatar
nighthawk
Posts: 4876
Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2001 2:33 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 9:30 pm

Quoting Femme (Reply 203):
>When David Beckham scores I drink 'Becks'
>
>When Paul Scholes scores I drink 'Skol'
>
>When Tommy Miller scores I drink 'Millers'
>
>Thank f**k David Seaman was a goalie!!!!

why do brazilians have such big dicks?
So they can lob seaman from 40 yards Big grin


Whats the difference between American Airlines and Pan Am?
American takes you straight to the office while Pan Am drops you off at home...
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 11:24 pm

Letter from Grandpa to Grandson:

"Dear Grandson, I am not as strong as I used to be, and since you are in jail, you are not here this year to help me dig the ground over to plant my potatoes. I'm afraid it won't be a very good potato crop next time."

Grandson replies by telegram:

"Grandpa. DON'T TOUCH THE GARDEN. That's where I hid the bodies"

No sooner has Grandpa read the telegram than the police arrive at his door, and proceed to start looking for bodies.

Telegram from Grandpa to Grandson:

"The police have dug up the complete garden. They didn't find any bodies."

Telegram from Grandson to Grandpa:

"It's OK. You can plant the potatoes now. Sorry I couldn't help more."
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
JAGflyer
Posts: 3566
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 5:31 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 16, 2007 11:45 pm

Confusious say: "man who stands on toilet is high on pot"
If you flew today, thank a Flight Dispatcher!
 
ShannoninAMA
Posts: 1211
Joined: Tue May 22, 2007 1:37 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 12:18 am

Not really offensive, but funny Big grin


A daughter has been set up with Four blind dates, and her (very protective) dad is interviewing each one before he takes her out.

"Hi, im bo, im taking her to the show, is she ready to go?"

He clears, and the next guy comes in..

"Hi, im Letti, im taking her out for some spaghetti, is she ready?

He Clears, and the next guy comes in..

"Hi, im chuck *Gunshot* Big grin

Quoting 747438 (Reply 254):

Q: How many Americans died in 9/11?
A: Who gives a fuck?

A lot of you may be going to hell, but this guy is driving the damn bus!



Shan Big grin
Shipwreck alert. Head on over to Airspaceonline.com.
 
astuteman
Posts: 7086
Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2005 7:50 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:11 am

Quoting Blackbird (Reply 263):
"Confucious say -- Men who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger"

"Confucious he say - Man who fart in church sit in own pew.........."  Smile
 
Duff44
Posts: 1561
Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2006 11:48 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:38 am

Quoting Astuteman (Reply 271):
"Confucious he say - Man who fart in church sit in own pew.........."

Confucious say: Man with holes in pockets feel cocky all day
I'll rassle ya for a bowl of bacon!
 
jamesbuk
Posts: 3712
Joined: Mon May 02, 2005 11:52 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:07 am

I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!


What's worse then having the McCanns take your kids on holiday?

Have Colin McRae take them in a chopper.




rgds --James--

[Edited 2007-09-16 23:09:51]
You cant have your cake and eat it... What the hells the point in having it then!!!
 
User avatar
fbgdavidson
Posts: 3872
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 6:25 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:19 am

Two similar ones...

The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole pit-crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area, can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 sec without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage.
However Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tyres in under 4 seconds but within 10 secs they had re-sprayed, re-numbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.

_____

In light of the recent terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport, Merseyside Police and a spokesman from Liverpool John Lennon Airport held a press conference to re-assure passengers that such an incident would not have occurred on their property. They guaranteed that within five seconds the wheels would have been removed, and the petrol siphoned out of the car thwarting such an attack. Within fifteen they'd have resprayed it, changed the number plates and sold it on removing any evidence of an incident.
"My first job was selling doors, door to door, that's a tough job innit" - Bill Bailey
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 11:35 am

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you, I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

Quoting ShannoninAMA (Reply 270):
Quoting 747438 (Reply 254):

Q: How many Americans died in 9/11?
A: Who gives a fuck?

A lot of you may be going to hell, but this guy is driving the damn bus!

Nah, this is airliners.net so it'll be a plane. And I'll add my own to ensure my spot in the co-pilot's seat.   

Q: How many Palestinians are killed by Israel each year?
A: Not enough.
(Or insert your own desired countries/nationalities to suite your needs.    )

Oh I felt what little is left of my soul shrivel up as I typed that one out.

[Edited 2007-09-17 04:38:49]
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
mal787
Posts: 477
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2007 4:25 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 3:16 pm

How do you save a drowning child

Take your foot of its head

I love kids
BN2 Metro, 402,404, Conquest, king air, 707,727.200, 732,733,734,735,736,738,757,762,763,742,743,744, MD11, DC9,Westwind
 
skidmarks
Posts: 6614
Joined: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:51 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 3:18 pm

Quoting Mal787 (Reply 276):
I love kids

Yeah, I love kids too, and babies.....................................................................








Couldn't eat a whole one though!

Andy  old 
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:29 pm

If the Glasgow terrorist attack had happened in a US airport.
Eyewitness accounts:
America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"
Glasgow "C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"

America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"F***** this fir a kerry oan, moan we'll get a pint in"

America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life"
Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire itwis like that"

[John Stenhouse] America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........john smeaton (these are real)

John just surpassed himself on the National ITV new
The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"

John done an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
Femme
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 4:55 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:08 am

Well fed up....

I have just spent £60 on a new computer game and it keeps crashing.

Bloody Colin McRae Helicopter Simulator is shite !





Whoops........  Wow!
Women don't have hot flushes, they have Power Surges....
 
deskflier
Posts: 525
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2007 9:59 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:19 am

When I went to the grocery store today I saw a flyer someone put on the noticeboard at the entrance. It was about baby bunnies for sale. Suddenly I got the urge to add a message to the flier, but to my dismay I wasn't wearing any pen. So I had to go home without adding my message: "Great for BBQ!" Laughed the entire way home though, then realized I will most surely go to Hell when the time comes, afraid though that they will turn me away at the gate. The Devil of course wanting to keep his place as the most evil being in Hell.
How can anyone not fly, when we live at a time when we can fly?
 
jamesbuk
Posts: 3712
Joined: Mon May 02, 2005 11:52 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:20 am

Quoting Jamesbuk (Reply 273):
I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!



Quoting Femme (Reply 279):
I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!

 Wink hehe  silly 

Its a sad day for British rally, first Richard Burns then so does Colin McRae.

Rgds --James--
You cant have your cake and eat it... What the hells the point in having it then!!!
 
ShannoninAMA
Posts: 1211
Joined: Tue May 22, 2007 1:37 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:28 am

Whats the difference between a black man and a bench?



A bench can support a family of four. Big grin
Shipwreck alert. Head on over to Airspaceonline.com.
 
Confuscius
Posts: 3691
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2001 12:29 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Sep 18, 2007 2:08 pm

Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?

A: Wipe your dick on the curtains



Q: And how do you make your wife scream louder?

A: Screw her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains.
Ain't I a stinker?
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:46 pm

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in West Virginia . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister!!! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

...and now one to balance it out a bit...

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived in a Las Vegas casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes
then quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
texan
Posts: 4070
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2003 2:23 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Sep 22, 2007 9:31 am

This isn't offensive, I just like it.

A woman goes into her doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm!"
The doctor says, "Well, are you taking anything for it?"
The woman replies, "Ground pepper."

Texan
"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
 
tercer
Posts: 137
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2005 11:55 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Sep 22, 2007 2:22 pm

What did Micheal Jackson love the most about having sex with little boys at Neverland?
--- Thier little hands made his dick look bigger!

What did Michal Jackson hate the most about having sex with little boys at Neverland?
--- Washing the blood out of his clown suit!
It's politically sensitive, but it's going to happen.
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Wed Sep 26, 2007 12:34 pm

Why do women get PMS?
They deserve it.

What the quickest way to a woman's heart?
Right through her ribcage.

What do you get when a mine caves in?
A flat minor.

2 Finlanders are walking back into town naked one night, when the first one says to the second one:
"Next time we tell the girls "Cock or walk", let's bring our own car!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
EI747SYDNEY
Posts: 686
Joined: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:28 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Sep 28, 2007 7:35 am

Why do women wear make up and perfume??

Because they are ugly and they smell.......... Big grin  Big grin  laughing   laughing   laughing 
''Live life on the edge, Live each and every day like it's your last, Hell you only live once''
 
charlienorth
Posts: 1069
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2006 6:24 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Sep 29, 2007 12:19 am

The shortest books on my bookshelf:
1. Polish wit and wisdom

2. Great Italian military victories

3. Negroes I've meet while yachting
Work hard fly right..don't understand it
 
User avatar
BNE
Posts: 2925
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2000 9:37 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sun Sep 30, 2007 10:24 am

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

***********************

Q. WHat does and Englishman do after his country wins the World Cup?

A. Puts the Playstation away and goes to bed.


**********************

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, it's the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the wiik!"
"Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Britain?..."
"No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
"What about Australia?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moolion condoms; ten enches long and eight enchesthuck! Thet way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thich, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and every one..............

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM

***************************

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

*****************************

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

***********************************

"Stewardess"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time
I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-
flight movie and there are no windows blinds so
I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

**************************

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a
sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

******************************

Harley Davidson and God
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise, pollutes and can't run off-road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention as well:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft or wobble too much;
4. The inlet is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God thought for a moment then smiled and replied.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed as well, but according
to my calculations, there are still more men riding my invention than yours."
Why fly non stop when you can connect
 
InbarD
Posts: 214
Joined: Mon Jan 29, 2007 2:46 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Oct 01, 2007 2:06 am

1. What did the black kid get for Christmas?
your bike

2. How long did it take an abbo to take a shit?
9 months

3. What can a pizza do that an abbo can't?
Feed a family of four

4. Why did the women cross the road?
Who cares what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen

5. Why don't women get bitten by snakes?
Because snakes don't live in the kitchen
 
deskflier
Posts: 525
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2007 9:59 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Oct 02, 2007 2:14 pm

Farmer John was thinking that his rooster was getting too old, so he decided to replace him. It had been a long time coming, but now it was going to happen. Farmer John went to the livestock market and bought himself a young, lively, and powerful rooster. As he returned home he let the new rooster out on the barnyard. Soon after John had left them, the old rooster came up to the new and said:
- I know what this is all about, and I will gladly give up my position. If I am allowed to perform one last show of strength.
- Great, figured the new rooster and asked what to do.
- Well, the old rooster said, I want to run. Ten laps around the barnyard, and all you have to do is to keep one step behind me all the time.
The new rooster agreed, and they started running. Only a few laps into the race, a gunshot was heard and the new rooster fell dead to the ground. In the silence afterwards you could hear farmer John mutter:
- I can't believe my bad luck! Ten roosters in as many weeks. And everyone was a f*gg*t!

My apologies to the gay community.
How can anyone not fly, when we live at a time when we can fly?
 
CJAContinental
Posts: 343
Joined: Sat May 27, 2006 9:03 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Wed Oct 03, 2007 1:56 am

How do you sink an irish submarine?

Knock on the door.
Work Hard/Fly Right.
 
mhodgson
Posts: 4673
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 8:47 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:50 am

What is a curry-lovers favourite ring tone?

Red
No trees were harmed by this message. However, several million electrons were terribly inconvenienced
 
User avatar
nighthawk
Posts: 4876
Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2001 2:33 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:50 am

Quoting CJAContinental (Reply 291):
How do you sink an irish submarine?

Knock on the door.

what do you do if an irishman throws a grenade at you?

Pull out the pin and throw it back

Quoting BNE (Reply 288):
"Stewardess"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time
I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-
flight movie and there are no windows blinds so
I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

Alternate version:

"Stewardess"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time
I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-
flight movie and there are no windows blinds so
I can't sleep."

Michael O Leary: "Well what do you expect for 99c"!
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:16 pm

Why do gay men used ribbed condoms?
Traction in the mud.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
noelg
Posts: 2313
Joined: Fri Apr 26, 2002 11:39 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Oct 08, 2007 8:41 pm

What do gay people see hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps

Do you know Leicester is the home of the outboard motor?
Bud...bud...bud...bud....bud...
 
EWRCabincrew
Posts: 4314
Joined: Mon May 08, 2006 2:37 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:17 pm

Q. What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?

A. A flame thrower.
_________________

Q. Two gay guys and two lesbians are in a coast to coast race. Who wins?

A. The lesbians. They get there lickety-split while the gay guys are packing their shit.
_________________

A man walks into his doctors office wanting a brain transplant. His doctor tells him he has three available. A lawyer's brain for 100K, a doctor's brain for 200K and a flight attendant's brain for a cool million.

The asks why so expensive?

The doctor replies that the lawyer's brain contains all things related to law. The doctor's brain contains all things related to medicine and surgery.

As for the flight attendant's brain, he adds, it has never been used.
_________________

Q. What do you call a black man with a Ph.D on the side of the road?

A. Stranded.
_________________

At least in hell, I will be surrounded by friends. First one there, plug in the ice maker and make sure the beer is cold.
You can't cure stupid
 
RicciPettit
Posts: 200
Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2007 5:14 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:46 pm

Two old men with alzheimers go out for the day.

They end up in a park around midday and as the weather is sunny they decided to eat in the park. One says to the other... "John, there's a burger stall up there, go get us both a burger".

John trundles off to get the burgers.

2 hours later John returns and says "Here Pete, here's your ice-cream."

Pete then jumps up and screams at John "ICE-CREAM YOU SILLY OLD SOD!!?? WHERE'S MY CHIPS!!??"



(That sounded funnier last night but I was on the beer)
Elements of the past and the future combining to make something not quite as good as either!
 
EWRCabincrew
Posts: 4314
Joined: Mon May 08, 2006 2:37 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Oct 09, 2007 12:09 am

Two species of dinosaurs were discovered to be homosexual.

They were the megasaurass and the lickalotapuss.
You can't cure stupid
 
ORFflyer
Posts: 3142
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 2:42 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Tue Oct 09, 2007 12:23 am

When man and woman were being created - it was decided to cut the d%#ks off of the dumb ones.
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