So lets hear some. It's been a while for this type of thread:


1. An A380 pilot was bragging to a Boeing 747 pilot about how great his aircraft was and how wonderfully it flew. The Boeing pilot turned to the Airbus pilot with a smirk and said, "Well, at least my plane doesn't call me a retard every time I attempt to land it."

2. A child was seated with his mother on a Southwest Airlines flight at LAX. He noticed that other airlines had small planes and big planes. He asked his mother why, and she didn't have the answer, but suggested he ask the flight attendant. When the flight attendant came by, the child asked, "Why do other airlines have baby planes and big planes and Southwest only has big planes?" The flight attendant replied, "Because Southwest always pulls out on time."


Looking forward to hearing more!

UAL

Here's a particular favorite of mine:

A US airline's crew overheard the following ATC exchange at MUC.

LH pilot (in German): "Ground, what's our start clearance time?"

MUC ground (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English."

LH pilot (in English): "I am a German pilot flying for a German airline in Germany! Why must I speak English?"

Unknown British person in a nearly aircraft (in English): "Because you lost the bloody war."

I think the biggest joke in the aviation world right now is Spirit Airlines...

Quoting Flight209 (Reply 1):

Nice one.

Related (and I'm going to butcher it)
It's 1952 and A BOAC flight has landed at MUC and it's obvious that they're a bit lost. Tower has had to redirect them two or three times.

Tower (in thick German accent): BOAC, have you ever been to Munich before?
BOAC: Many times, but we never landed.

A 747 is halfway through a transatlantic run when they run into engine trouble. They radio in that they are continuing on 3 engines. A couple hours later, another engine fails. "We should be able to make it there on two engines," the pilot radios to LHR. Shortly after that, the third engine fails. By now, they're just a couple hundred miles out. About 50 miles before hitting land, the 4th engine fails. The pilot gets on the radio, "Okay guys, we now have all four engines failed. Do you have any suggestions?" After a couple minutes, a controller replies, "Repeat after me. Our Father who art in Heaven....."

EDIT: spelling

[Edited 2010-08-03 16:54:39]

Quoting Cadet985 (Reply 4): After a ceouple minutes, a controller replies, "Repeat after me. Our Father who art in Heaven....."

Or perhaps they BA ops tells them to glide on in....all of this has been done before. 

Some oldies:


What seperates flight attendants from the lowest form of life on earth?

The cockpit door.



What do you call a cockpit with an all female flight crew?

The box office.



How far can you go with multiple engine failures?

To the scene of the accident.



That's all for now. I'll be in the area all night.

Not exactly a joke, but pretty funny...

Q: How do you know there's a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you

Q: How do you know your date with a pilot is half-over
A: He says "Enough about me. Let's talk about my plane".

Q: What's the difference between a pilot and a jet-engine?
A: Jet engines stop whining when the flight is over


Why Airplanes Are Better Than Women:

You can ride in an airplane any time of month.

You can still ride a 50 year old airplane.

Airplanes don't care how many other airplanes you've been in before and won't get jealous if you ride in someone else's airplanes.

Airplanes don't get jealous if you look at other airplanes or at airplane magazines.

Airplanes can be turned on with the flick of a switch

Airplanes have strict weight & balance limits

Widebody airplanes are more attractive, and your friends won't make fun of you for riding one.

Mechanics can fix a broken airplane.

Airplanes have loud warning bells to tell you when somethings wrong and checklist to tell you how to fix it.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "Touch N' Go".

Aircraft allow thorough, pre-flight inspections which include looking at, feeling, and sometimes kicking key parts.

You can make an airplane stop whining.

You can install a hush kit on an airplane.



If I can think of more I'll add them later.

A woman goes to check in at an airport. She goes up to the lady at the counter and says: "I want you to sen done bag to Miami, one to Los Angeles, and one to Minneapolis." The ticket lady replies: "But we can't do that!" The passenger says back: "But you did last time!"

My apologies if you've all heard that one before. Deal with it  

Here's a video joke that I'm sure has been around the block but I only saw it for the first time today...
http://www.theonion.com/video/guatem...recording-parrot-holds-clue,17785/

Some conversations that I found on a 5 or so year old thread here.

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Control tower to a UA 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight.

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

This is good for a laugh, its standard maintenance practices at Qantas

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Quoting Dreadnought (Reply 7): Not exactly a joke, but pretty funny...

Believe it or not, the Russians actually had a pod that they could install underneath a Su-25 they could use to carry mechanics to forward air strips. Not sure it ever got much use, though - not even the Russians are that crazy.

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 8): Q: How do you know your date with a pilot is half-over A: He says "Enough about me. Let's talk about my plane".

   best joke I've heard in a long while.

This one is quasi-aviation related:

* * *

Once upon a time, there was this flea sitting on the beach in Mexico, drinking mai-tais, soaking up the sun's rays and enjoying all the scenery he could handle.

Along came this second flea who was obviously cold. His antennae were frosted and he was seriously shivering.

-- "What happened?" asked the first. "How did you get here?"

-- "I- I- I- got on this guy's m-m-m-oustache who rode his m-m-motorbike all the way to M-M-Mexico."

-- "Well, you should do what I do," said the first. "See, when it starts to get chilly back home up North, I find a nice pretty flight attendant. I climb up into her panties where it's nice and warm and I fly down here to Mexico. When I get down here in Mexico, I jump out and voilà! Here I am, drinking mai-tais and enjoying myself!"

-- "Wow!! T-T-That's a-a-a g-great idea. I'll h-h-have to t-try that-t-t n-n-next year!"

So a whole year goes by and the next year finds our first flea, lying on the beach, drinking his mai-tais as usual, soaking up the sun, enjoying the scenery just as he did the previous year.

Along came the second flea and just like last year, he's next to death with hypothermia. He is almost frozen solid.

-- "What happened? I thought I told you what to do last year!", cried out the first flea.

-- "You d-d-did!" said the second. "I- I- found a n-n-nice p-p-pretty f-f-flight attendant and c-crawled up into her p-p-panties just like you told me to!"

-- "Well, then what happened?!"

-- "I w-w-was getting all warm and r-r-r-ready f-f-f-for the trip when all of a sudden the next thing I knew,
I- I- was on this guy's moustache, on a motorbike, on the way to Mexico!

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

If the world keeps spinning round and round and all you hear is commotion from the cabin, things are not going according to plan.

Stay out of clouds. That silver lining everyone keeps talking about might well be an oncoming plane. Also, mountains have been known to hide in clouds.

Mountain goats do not fly. Pilots will do well to remember this fact. Might come in useful one day.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling it back, in which case they get bigger again.

Try to keep the number of take-offs and landings you do relatively equal.

The three most useless things to a pilot:
1) The amount of sky above you
2) The amount of runway behind you
3) 1/10 second ago

The purpose of a propeller is to keep the pilot cool. Proof: if you stop the propeller, you can see the pilot start sweating.

Helicopters cannot fly. They are so ugly that the ground repels them.

ATC convo:
There is a 43-plane line up at LGA at 6:30 PM on a Tuesday (as is typical). A thunderstorm rolls through and all arrivals and departures are stopped. In the middle of it a pilot says over the radio "I'm f--king bored."
Tower: "Who was that!? Identify yourself immediately!"
Pilot: "I said I was f--king bored, not f--king stupid."

Quoting Flight209 (Reply 1): A child was seated with his mother on a Southwest Airlines flight at LAX. He noticed that other airlines had small planes and big planes. He asked his mother why, and she didn't have the answer, but suggested he ask the flight attendant. When the flight attendant came by, the child asked, "Why do other airlines have baby planes and big planes and Southwest only has big planes?" The flight attendant replied, "Because Southwest always pulls out on time."

Oh man!  

Quoting StarAC17 (Reply 11):

Very Tempted to use those Rectification terms at work,but just can't  

Surprised I haven't seen this yet:

What does ETOPS stand for ?

Engines Turning Or Passengers Swimming.

Quoting DocLightning (Reply 14): The purpose of a propeller is to keep the pilot cool. Proof: if you stop the propeller, you can see the pilot start sweating.

This isn't a joke. I've actually used this in Civil Air Patrol to teach my Cadets about different parts of the plane. and I tell them that in addition to providing thrust, the propeller is a giant fan.

Marc

Tony Pinatiri (Italian) was having problems with his engine on a lake in New Zealand...
he gets on his radio and says: "Helpa helpa itsa me eh tony pinatiri I'm ona the lake am sinking"
Now back in the 80s Air NZ has Fokker Friendships... and they overheard this radio transmission so respond:
"This is Fokker Friendship 1XX, where are you?"
Tony replies: "Helpa helpa itsa me eh tony pinatiri I'm ona the lake am sinking"
The Air NZ Fokker replies: " I say again this is Fokker Friendship 1XX...''
Tony replies: "I don'ta wanta your Fokker Friendship! I WANTA SOME HELP!!"
:D

It's aviation related:
How to fly a 747

And the famous Pam Ann:
Pam Ann
British Airways
American Airlines
Terrorists *The F word is used and PG-13 scenes.

Fees for everything

That might be enough for anyone 

And oldie and mentioned on this forum several times before:

How to cheaply obtain a F-104 Starfighter; buy a field in Germany and wait.


RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!

When flying always try and stay in the middle of the sky. The edges of the sky can be recognized by the presence of planets or interstellar space, flying through either of these is extremely difficult.

Here are a few of my favorite youtube vids about pilots.

BBC spoof documentary/comedy about pilots (3 parts):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SwECTyXaA4

Australian comedians in a Dash 8 simulator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xE1rE2vxUyM&feature=related

Airline pilot practical jokes on Monty Python:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEIB4baOSd8&feature=related

In the longstanding battle between aluminum objects traveling hundreds of miles per hour and the ground traveling at zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.