PanAm747
Topic Author
Posts: 4713
Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2004 4:46 am

Next Airline "Take-Away"?

Tue Nov 25, 2008 9:54 pm

In response to the airlines' desperate attempts to "encourage new revenue", many things that used to be included in the price of the ticket are now extra (with one airline a noteable exception).

Virtually all airlines now charge for booking a ticket over the phone, checking a bag, and in the case of USAirways, charging for any liquids on the airplane. Other "freebies", such as meals, are a thing of the past.

In my mind, when the airlines started charging for a first bag, it indicated that there are no sacred cows at all - nothing will NOT be considered for an additional fee.

What will be the next "fee" associated with air travel? What is left for the airlines to charge extra for?

Other than the remaining legacy carriers doing the USAirways thing and charging for drinks, my guess is some sort of additional fee for a window or an aisle seat - the lowest fare would be for a middle seat, but there would be a surcharge for any others. Flight attendants - already having to be vicious about overhead storage space - would have to become monitors as to who paid for what seat.

If someone had told me a year ago that the first bag would be charged $15, I would have thought the idea crazy. But it's here to stay, and I'm sure the bean counters are looking to squeeze the last bit of change from customers after the ticket purchase (rather than include it in the price).

No idea is too crazy - throw it in!!
Pan Am:The World's Most Experienced Airline - P(oor) S(ailor's) A(irline): San Diego's Hometown Airline-Catch Our Smile!
 
B747forever
Posts: 13815
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 9:50 pm

RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

Tue Nov 25, 2008 10:14 pm

Well how about a fee of using the lavs?? Like 50cents?? That would be crazy.
Work Hard, Fly Right
 
grozzy
Posts: 129
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 2:49 am

RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

Wed Nov 26, 2008 4:54 am



Quoting B747forever (Reply 1):
Well how about a fee of using the lavs?? Like 50cents?? That would be crazy.

I can just picture the little old ladies collecting the money outside!

What about an interior you can hose down between flights? Passengers can by a chamois or BYO towel to dry their seat.
 
PanAm747
Topic Author
Posts: 4713
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RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

Wed Nov 26, 2008 5:55 pm

Welcome to Super High Intensity Travel (S.H.I.T.) Airlines! Home of the lowest fares - guaranteed!!

We absolutely positively guarantee that we will be the lowest fare on any route we fly, and we promise to (eventually) refund the difference if you find a lower fare on another airline.

To ensure that you NEVER pay more for your airfare than you have to, and because of a recent court ruling requiring us to do so, we are listing all the extra charges you may encounter when travelling. Keep in mind, all of these charges are optional, and you are not required to utilize any of these services:

1) Ticket Purchase Fee. To book your flight via the phone, there will be a $10 fee. To book your flight via the internet, there will be only a $5 fee. To book your fee at the airport, there will be a $15 fee, plus an additional $10 talk-to-a-real-person fee.

2) All tickets are non-refundable and non-changeable. If your plans change, you must buy a new ticket. If we screw up and leave you stranded, there will be only a modest $25 we-screwed-up fee, plus the $10 talk-to-a-real-person fee added to your ticket. Notice the fee is discounted if it is our mistake (which it never will be!)

3) Check-in fee. To check-in on-line and obtain your boarding pass, there is a $5 fee. Checking in at the airport will be a $10 fee if you use the kiosk, and $15 for checking in with one of our helpful personnel, plus the $10 talk-to-a-real-person fee. All additional chit-chats are $1.99 per minute, so keep those gabby old people in check!!

4) Baggage fee. First bag is $25, second bag is $100, and the third bag will require you buy a separate ticket. If you wish the bag to actually be loaded onto the plane, this will be an additional $50 per bag.

5) Carry-on Fee. Each carry-on bag is $15, including purses, briefcases, laptop computers, books, and any other items you bring onto the plane. All passengers travelling without any luggage whatsoever will be assessed a $10 no-bag fee, assuming that TSA lets you through.

6) Concourse fee. If you should wish to wait in our airport waiting area around our gates, there will be a $10 fee per person, per hour. Passing through our area on your way to the jetbridge counts.

7) Jetbridge fee. These things are expensive to maintain and operate, so passengers will need to swipe their credit cards when heading through the turnstile to board the plane. There is a $15 jetbridge fee, payable both on entry and departure from the plane.

SPECIAL NOTE: For those passengers who wish to bypass the jetbridge, repelling equipment can be rented for a mere $10. Any damage to the plane from grappling hooks, however, must be paid for by the passenger. You are not permitted to use your own equipment.

In the event that a Star Trek-style transporter system becomes available, a fee will be assessed for all travellers enterting and deplaning via this system. More on that when it becomes available.

8) Aisle Fee. If you wish to access your seat by the aisle, there is a $5 fee for each time you walk down the center of the aircraft. This includes trips to the lavatory as well as standing up to stretch your legs.

9) Overhead Compartment Fee. If you wish to place anything in the overhead bin, space is available for a mere $5. Swipe your card to open the door. There is a $10 fee for each time the door is opened, which also includes arrivals. If you cannot pay to open the compartment at the end of the flight, then all materials automatically become property of Super High Intensity Travel Airlines, Inc.

10) Underseat Storage Fee.The storage space under the seat in front of you is available for $10.

11) Seat Fee. The use of our seats requires a $25 rental for aisle or window and $22.50 for middle seats.. Standing is not permitted for any passenger.

12) Seat Belt Fee. The FAA mandated use of seat belts is $10 per seat.

13) Bodily Functions Fees. Pay toilets are available for your convenience. Please note that the fee is $5 for each 60 seconds!! At the end of that time, the door will open, exposing you to the line waiting, so make it quick!

Flushing Fee: $2 Not Flushing Fee: $5 Water to wash up $3 Soap: $2 Towels to dry: $3 each.

There is no fee for holding your bladder until the end of the plane, but there is a $20 cleaning fee if you are unable to make it until that time.

14) Vomit Fee. There is a $5 barfing fee per passenger, per puke, plus an additional fee for vomit bags. The fee still applies if you use your own collection equipment.

15) Refreshment Fee Soft drinks are available for $6, water for $8, alcoholic drinks for $20. There is a $2 looking-at-the-cart-to-see-what-is-available fee.

Tray tables can be raised and lowered for a modest fee of $1 per lower/raising.

PLEASE NOTE: There is a $2 fee per item for bringing your own food and liquids onto the plane. Hamburger and fries, for example, counts only as two items.

16) Overhead Light & Ventilation Fee. SHIT Airlines planes are kept dark to be green and to save on power. To use your overhead light, swipe your credit or debit card for the modest fee of $5 per hour. To use your overhead ventilation system, swipe your credit or debit card for the modest fee of $5 per hour. Intensity changes are $1 per change.

PLEASE NOTE: The usual recirculation system, normally found on all major commercial aircraft, is left off by S.H.I.T. Airlines, in our effort to save the planet. Any air you wish to breathe must be paid for by you the passenger.

17) Trash Disposal Fee. The use our trash dumpsters is $3 per item. This includes vomit bags (in addition to the pukage fee). Carrying out your own trash is appreciated, and is only a modest $1 fee per item.

18) Emergency Oxygen Fee. In the event of a pressurization change (for which there are no fees!!), oxygen masks will drop in front of your face. Please swipe your credit card to start the flow of oxygen. The charge is $10 per minute.

19) Emergency Evacuation Fee. In the event that an emergency evacuation will be necessary, the same $15 entering/deplaning fee applies for emergency exits as does for the jetbridge fee.

20) Window Shades Fee. There is no fee for lowering or raising them when instructed by airline personnel, but should you wish to lower them if the sun is too bright or raise them to avoid paying the lighting fee, there is a $5 surcharge.

21) Speaking To Crew Fee. If there is anything we here at Super High Intensity Travel Airlines can do to make your trip more comfortable, please don't hesitate to call on us! Flight attendants can be spoken to for a mere $5 per visit. Should you need a blanket or pillow, those are available for $15 each, plus the cost of a fligh attendant visit, plus the cost of opening AND closing the overhead bins.

22) Retrieving Your Bags - The "Carousel" Fee. If you checked a bag, you will need to pick it up at one of our baggage carousels. Bags can be removed from the carousel for a mere $5 per bag.

PLEASE NOTE: Should we accidentally lose your checked bags, there is a $25 charge, payable in advance, to speak to a baggage person at the airport. If your bag can be located, there is a $50 fee per segment to get it back to you. If your bag can NOT be located, the $25 fee still applies.

S.H.I.T Airlines cannot be held liable under any circumstances for either the contents of your checked bags or the ability to get your bags to their final destination under the following hazardous conditions:

  • Daylight
  • Nighttime
  • Wind
  • Rain
  • Sunshine
  • Snow
  • Temperatures above 75 degrees F (25 C)
  • Temperatures below 75 degrees F (25 C)
  • Actions taken by the TSA

    We here at S.H.I.T. Airlines thank you again for your patronage, and we look forward to once again providing you with the best value for your travelling dollar. We are fully committed to providing you with the lowest cost transportation, so we know you won't mind all the extra fees - because you only pay for the things you absolutely need, saving you money in the long run!!


    Cost of the ticket, LAX-JFK: $198 on the "Super-Duper Extra Special Transcon Value Fare" ($99 each way, although a one-way ticket is $599)
    Internet Purchase Fee: $10
    Checking-In On-Line Fee: $5
    First Bag Fee: $25
    Two Carry-On Bag: $30
    Concourse Fee: $10
    Entering Plane Fee: $15
    Aisle Fee: $5
    Seat Fee: $25
    Underseat Storage Rental: $10
    Overhead Bin Rental: $5
    Opening/Closing Bin: $20
    Seat Belt Fee: $10
    Lavatory Visit: $5 + $5 aisle fee
    Flushing Fee: $2
    Water, Soap, 2 Towels: $11
    Disposal of the towels in the bin: $9
    Returning To My Seat Using The Aisle Again Fee: $5
    Bringing-My-Own-Food Fee: $6, plus the cost of cheeseburger, fries, and small diet coke ($17.99 plus tax)
    Tray Table Usage Fee: $2 (once up, once down)
    Ventilation Usage Fee: $25 (4½ hour flights @ $5 per hour or part thereof).
    Food Trash Disposal Fee: $3 ($1 per item) (God willing there's a trash can in the airport!!)
    Deplaning Fee: $15
    Aisle Fee: $5
    Carousel Fee: $5

    Total Cost: $466

    I am going to try to sit on an aisle seat and not look out the window, as well as avoiding talking to any personnel at all, barfing, or looking at the refreshment cart. Hopefully there will be no depressurization and no emergency exit needed AND my checked bag made it!!

    So how long until THIS is a reality?
  • Pan Am:The World's Most Experienced Airline - P(oor) S(ailor's) A(irline): San Diego's Hometown Airline-Catch Our Smile!
     
    nqyguy
    Posts: 415
    Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2008 7:56 pm

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Wed Nov 26, 2008 8:08 pm



    Quoting PanAm747 (Reply 3):
    Home of the lowest fares - guaranteed!!

    You stole that from Ryanair.. psss!  Big grin


     duck 
     
    B747forever
    Posts: 13815
    Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 9:50 pm

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Wed Nov 26, 2008 10:25 pm



    Quoting PanAm747 (Reply 3):

    Man, what a fantastic post. Well think if we will see something like that one day  Wink
    Work Hard, Fly Right
     
    joeycapps
    Posts: 115
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    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Thu Nov 27, 2008 12:32 am



    Quoting PanAm747 (Reply 3):

    How much do I have to pay to become a S.H.I.T crewmember?
     
    acNDTTech
    Posts: 173
    Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:15 pm

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Thu Nov 27, 2008 5:27 am



    Quoting Grozzy (Reply 2):


    Quoting B747forever (Reply 1):
    Well how about a fee of using the lavs?? Like 50cents?? That would be crazy.


    I can just picture the little old ladies collecting the money outside!

    No, they can attach a coin operate device to the door knob......oh wait, the little old lady will still be needed, she can be there to make sure that nobody holds the door open for the next person. THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE! I can see the marketing people now, "Drop a deuce for a deuce." Does kinda have a ring to it.
     
    thegman
    Posts: 513
    Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:30 am

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Fri Nov 28, 2008 12:16 am

    Not sure what they can take away now, but the checked bag fees are killing non-rev travelers.
    We traditionally do not check bags because sometimes we do not know where we will end up. So now, pretty much everyone carries on whatever they can, and fill the overheads rather quickly. Then the non-revs finally get cleared to board and there is no room for our carry-ons.

    Granted, we can check as many bags as we wish for free, it is just a hassle when you don't have a confirmed seat.
     
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    DocLightning
    Posts: 21656
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    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:54 am

    My guess is that they will try to charge for the lavs. And that might finally spur some legislation on "minimum acceptable standards of service."

    Charging people for basic human needs (water, lavs, air) should not be tolerated.
    -Doc Lightning-

    "The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."
    -Carl Sagan
     
    FlyKev
    Posts: 1295
    Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:34 am

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:50 pm

    The Onion has covered AA and their new charges.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/90784

    Yes, Im aware its satrical humor

    kev.
    The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only
     
    Yflyer
    Posts: 1708
    Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2007 4:05 am

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Mon Dec 01, 2008 11:10 pm



    Quoting FlyKev (Reply 10):
    The Onion has covered AA and their new charges.



    Quote:
    "We are confident that these new measures will not discourage customers from flying with American Airlines," vice president Margaret Wilkinson said. "However, we'd like to remind our customers that there is a 'discouraged-from-flying-with-American-Airlines' charge if they do in fact choose not to fly with us."

     laughing  That line is one brilliant piece of comedy!
     
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    DocLightning
    Posts: 21656
    Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:51 am

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Sat Dec 06, 2008 1:44 am

    Well, as I see it, there is nothing else to charge for that isn't mandated for safety. Except the lavs.

    I could see them going Skybus and banning people from bringing their own food/drink aboard. But that would cause too much uproar.

    I could see charging people for sitting in a window/aisle. Like, if all the middle seats are taken then you have to pay a mandatory $15 fee extra.
    -Doc Lightning-

    "The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."
    -Carl Sagan
     
    ag92
    Posts: 1045
    Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 5:23 pm

    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Sat Dec 06, 2008 4:58 am



    Quoting PanAm747 (Thread starter):
    Virtually all airlines now charge for booking a ticket over the phone, checking a bag, and in the case of USAirways, charging for any liquids on the airplane. Other "freebies", such as meals, are a thing of the past.

    In my mind, when the airlines started charging for a first bag, it indicated that there are no sacred cows at all - nothing will NOT be considered for an additional fee.

    You must remember the situation is nothing like it in Asia and I think even in Africa/Europe
     
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    DocLightning
    Posts: 21656
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    RE: Next Airline "Take-Away"?

    Sat Dec 06, 2008 9:54 am



    Quoting Ag92 (Reply 13):

    You must remember the situation is nothing like it in Asia and I think even in Africa/Europe

    On BA from LHR to MAD I was given a sandwich and a drink free of charge. IB charges for food, but not for bag check.

    In Australia, on every single QF flight over 1.5 hours, I have been offered free meals, free beverages including wine, and even -get this- ice cream. And yes, this is in Y-class.

    In South America last I was there, I was also treated to excellent service from very friendly and professional crew.

    I'll be flying UA tomorrow from SYD to SFO and I guarantee you the service won't even come within 600 NM of the same flight on QF, IFE notwithstanding.
    -Doc Lightning-

    "The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."
    -Carl Sagan

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